Thank you to everyone who sent me suggestions for this chapter and to Andy for convincing me it made any sense.

Under The Influence

"Hey," Castle murmured, stepping up behind Kate, melding his back to her chest and pressing his lips to her hair. She was seated at a bar stool in the kitchen and the height difference allotted a perfect opportunity to engulf her with his arms, chin coming to rest on her shoulder as his warm body surrounded her.

"Hey," she replied softly, eyes lifting as she tilted her head back to seek out his lips.

"You're reading?" he asked in surprise as they separated, taking in the mug of coffee on her left, the journal settled on the surface in front of her.

"Yeah."

"Out here?"

She shrugged. "It was sitting right over there."

He turned his head, followed her line of vision to the other end of the counter. Right. Because he'd been drinking coffee this morning when he was overwhelmed with the sudden urge to write about their last case, so he'd dashed off to retrieve the journal and the nearest pen. Kate was still asleep and he hadn't wanted to disturb her on her one day to sleep in so in his haste he'd simply grabbed both journals rather than taking the time to discern the difference in the dark and taken them back to the kitchen. And there at the bar, with his steaming mug of coffee, he'd allowed the words to flow, rapidly scrawling his thoughts across the page.

"Yeah, I was writing earlier."

"Figured."

He nuzzled his nose into her neck, pressed his lips to her skin before settling in to read over her shoulder.

Dear Kate,

This last case really got me thinking. I guess that's normally what happens when we find the killer, find out why they thought murder was the answer. It usually makes sense… in a twisted way, of course, but at least there's a reason for it.

There was a reason this time, too, though it seemed ridiculous and petty to me. But no matter the reason, it still always makes me think about that person's character, their life, their past, how it all culminated in taking someone's life.

It's what I do in my books, too. I explore the characters, figure out what causes them to make the decisions they do, what makes them snap and resort to murder.

But what really got me thinking this time was not so much the murder as it was the robberies. The missing jewelry and the cell phone and the poor young kid who'd been pulled into a life of crime by a man he truly believed was looking out for him. An innocent boy whose life was being ruined because he didn't know any better and he didn't have anyone to guide him in the right direction. And I just kept thinking, what if he had someone?

What if whatever Esposito has said to him over the last few days actually makes a difference, helps this kid turn his life around.

Which then led to me thinking about the what-ifs in my own life. What if I hadn't found solace in writing at a young age? I very well could have ended up like Joey, young and naïve and roped into something of which I didn't understand the consequences.

Other things too. Like what if my father had stuck around? What if Meredith hadn't gotten pregnant when we were so young. What if I hadn't gotten married or hadn't gotten divorced? What if I hadn't become a writer, or you hadn't become a cop?

What if I'd never met you?

I could go on all day, which is why this is a dangerous train of thought. But I still can't help but think that no matter the what-if scenarios, I wouldn't go back and change a thing because in the end, every choice we made ended up leading us to each other. And being with you is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. The happiness you bring to my life, the love I feel for you... it's overwhelming and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Although I wouldn't mind regaining the time I lost the other night watching Valentine's Day. Seriously. I'm embarrassed on your behalf for liking that movie. Nevertheless, I still love you.

Now I can't help but wonder what you would say if I told you again...

Love,

Rick

Kate felt a pang of regret as she thought back to those first months of their relationship, all the words they were holding back. In retrospect she was surprised Castle had managed to keep his mouth shut for as long as he did. With her, he'd managed levels of patience Kate wasn't sure even she possessed.

"I'd say 'I love you too,'" she murmured, tilting her chin to press her lips to the underside of his jaw.

She felt his arm tighten around her waist, fingers of his left hand digging into her opposite hip as her lips brushed his skin.

"Even when you make me watch awful movies," she added teasingly, eyes sparkling as she looked up at him through her lashes.

"Hey now, my movie choices are always exceptional."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Really now?"

He nodded innocently, though the motions of his fingers against the skin of her hip were anything but.

She scoffed. "Right.

"I seem to recall some of those movie nights ending very well," he pointed out, fingers growing bolder and bolder, dipping beneath the waistband of her pants and she was absolutely not wriggling under his touch.

"P... possibly," she panted, subconsciously arching into his touch.

"Possibly? Was that why you told me I was going to have to buy you a new scarf so you didn't have to keep wearing the same ones?" he asked smugly, dipping his head to nip at her earlobe.

"I said no," she barely bit back a gasp as his teeth sunk into the soft flesh, "such thing."

The whimper that fell from her mouth when he suddenly removed his hands from her body, however, couldn't be contained.

"Problem?" he asked, and she knew his smug smile was probably growing smugger by the second.

"Of course not," she lied, attempting to appear unfazed, as though she hadn't just been quickly reduced to mush by Castle's lips and hands.

His arms settled back around her then and she could feel him smile into her hair as he cradled her gently, the teasing and smugness replaced by a wave of pure love. Because he loved that he could rile her up so easily. And he loved how she tried so hard to pretend that wasn't the case.

But he also loved that she let him, that she trusted him enough to relinquish control, to be so completely open and vulnerable around him.

As he rested his chin on her shoulder his gaze fell back to the journal, still lying open on the bar. His eyes traced the words from two years earlier, his mind falling back into a similar train of thought, contemplating the numerous alternative scenarios not just of his life, but of theirs.

What if there'd been no Gina or Josh, what if he'd kissed her sooner? What if she'd never been shot?

(He refused to think of the alternate scenarios surrounding her shooting. Every time he did, he wound up with tears in his eyes at the mere thought of all they would have missed out on.)

What if she hadn't come back to him that night, dripping wet with apologies flowing from her lips? Or what if they'd never fought in the first place? Would they have carried on as usual? Or would they still have wound up together?

"You're thinking pretty loudly back there," Kate murmured, nudging him in the side with her elbow.

"Sorry," he replied hastily, shaking his head to clear his thoughts.

"Anything I can help with?"

She felt him shrug behind her. "Just... wondering what would have happened if things had gone differently between us."

"Differently how?" Kate inquired. She knew from experience that going down this type of path could be dangerous, but she was also curious as to his thoughts on the matter.

"Just... if you hadn't had a run-in with Maddox. Would you still have come back to me?"

She nodded thoughtfully, carefully considering her words. "Yes," she began, because of that she was certain. "Eventually. I couldn't have stayed away even if I wanted to. But it probably would have been messier."

"Messier?"

"You know how sometimes it takes a moment of terror to make everything else seem clear?"

Castle nodded, chin nudging against her shoulder.

"On the roof with Maddox... that was one of those moments. I knew I loved you and I knew I wanted you but not until I faced the prospect of losing those possibilities did I realize that it was as simple as just taking the leap and that maybe all the other reasons why I'd convinced myself I wasn't ready weren't all that significant in the end."

He nodded thoughtfully, allowing her words to sink in.

"Was there a moment for you?" she mused, squeezing his hand tenderly.

He paused, considered. "The first time I kissed you."

She swiveled around on the stool to face him more fully now. "In the alley?"

Castle nodded. "I wanted you from day one. You know that. I realized a few months in that it had become more than just physical attraction. But I think I hesitated to admit I was actually in love with you until I kissed you. After that I couldn't deny it."

Kate felt her cheeks heat up as she thought of that kiss, an undercover moment turned real despite her best efforts to remain unaffected and detached.

It may have been four years ago but she could still remember every detail.

And judging by the desire in his eyes, so could he.

Thoughts?