Because there's no new episode next week, there will not be another update of this fic either. In the meantime, you can find me on Tumblr and Twitter. Links are on my profile.

Death Gone Crazy

"Castle."

No response.

"Castle." Louder this time, but still nothing.

Kate cleared her throat emphatically, finally garnering his attention. Castle snapped his eyes back up to her face, unaware that they'd been fixed on her cleavage as his mind drifted through various intimate moments between them.

Her eyes were on him, one eyebrow raised, though the slight flush in her cheeks told him she was more affected by his ogling than she wanted to admit.

"Problem?" he teased, regaining his composure as hers was slipping away.

"No," she stammered.

He rested a hand on her upper thigh, not at all innocent. Neither was the heady darkness in his eyes. "Are you sure?"

She nodded faintly, fighting for control, because she was supposed to be the one teasing him for staring at her chest and undressing her with his eyes, focused so intently that he didn't even hear her calling his name.

Except the way he was looking at her managed to throw her completely off her game instead.

Her eyes flicked down to his hand and back up, subtle but not enough to keep Castle from noticing. His thumb trailed enticing patterns over her bare skin, eyes boring into hers.

Kate was fairly sure her clothing would have disappeared rather quickly had a key not turned in the lock right then, startling both of them apart and effectively ruining the moment. The front door opened to reveal Alexis, laden with laundry and her school bag.

Kate whirled around on the bar stool as soon as the girl stepped inside, eyes falling back to the journal as Castle stepped up behind her once again. His arms were wrapped a little too low on her hips to be completely innocent but at least he no longer looked like he was ready to tear her clothes off.

Kate felt him loosen his grip slightly and turn to greet his daughter, heard him press a kiss to her cheek. Kate returned Alexis' greeting when it was offered but her eyes remained fixed on the journal because she was fairly certain that if she actually looked up the girl would be able to guess exactly what she'd just about walked in on.

So she focused instead on the letter and soon found herself drawn back in. And as Alexis headed for the stairs, Castle resituated himself behind her, settled his chin on her shoulder and joined in.

Dear Kate,

I have so many things to say tonight. So many. And I'm not even sure where to start.

I guess I'll begin with the most pressing question, which is where and when did you have hot and dirty night club bathroom sex? And why was I not invited?

Also, when can we re-create that experience?

I'll admit, I've done it... and I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that you have too, because you seem to have done your fair share of wild things back in the day. I just didn't figure you for a night club sex kind of girl. Not the first time I've underestimated your propensity for wild and daring activities.

But back to my original point, which is that I'm very much looking forward to this hypothetical excursion. You can wear that little black dress that barely covers your ass and I certainly wouldn't complain if you decided to forgo underwear entirely. Makes my job easier. On the other hand, maybe propositioning a cop to have sex in a semi-public place isn't the smartest idea I've ever had. At least we'd get arrested together, though prison-sex isn't high on my priority list.

But I digress.

Reverting to my original string of questions, you were never a part of College Girls Gone Crazy, right? Don't get me wrong... you're hot as hell and watching you dance in skimpy clothing would probably be one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. But I wouldn't want anyone else to see you like that.

I know, I know, I'm being prehistoric and possessive, as you sometimes like to remind me. But I'm just so proud to finally be with you and you make me so happy and I'm so in love with you and I'm possessive of our relationship because I don't ever want to lose it. And I don't like feeling as though it's being endangered.

Maybe it makes me insecure, but when I see you checking out other guys who are built like I'll never be, I get jealous. I'll never look like them, and what happens when you decide you'd rather upgrade to the better-looking model? Where does that leave me?

Kate's heart broke to read of his insecurities, unfounded though they may be. She remembered thinking she was the insecure one in their relationship but it had been evident for quite some time now that it ran both ways. She wasn't the only one who'd spent the early months of their relationship dreading the moment it would all fall apart.

"Never gonna upgrade," she murmured, her words cutting through the silence that had settled back over the room.

"You better not," he husked, possessive and hot and maybe she pretended to be annoyed by it at one time, but she secretly loved the fiery passion that his jealousy and possessiveness evoked.

She shivered at the thought but forced herself to keep reading.

Which brings me to the more serious side of my thoughts tonight, because what the producer said about Beau hit a little too close to home for me. Something about "looking for something he was never going to find." I never really saw my own life that way, mainly because I never knew my father and it never bothered me, so why would I search for him? Why would it change my life? You can't miss what you never had.

Or maybe you can. Maybe I did the same thing as Beau, though it manifested in a different way. Obviously I've had my fair share of flings and one-night stands. And marriages. I always just thought I wound up divorced because I made some bad decisions. I opted for non-relationship forms of interaction in the aftermath because it was easier and less emotional and less painful.

But now that I think back, I think I've always craved stability. That's why I married Meredith; because I wanted a family and I wanted Alexis to have the stable childhood I never had. I married Gina because I wanted a mother figure for Alexis – a less dramatic, more reliable mother figure. Again, stability, which I didn't experience much of as a kid.

Maybe I wasn't all that different from Beau.

Until you.

I want to be clear that I'm not dating you for the same reason as I did my ex-wives. I'm dating you because I love you and because you bring me such joy and because you make me want to be a better man. I don't know where I'd be if I'd never met you and I have no idea what I'd do without you.

I hope you can see that. I hope you know that you're all I've ever wanted and more.

I love you. So much,

Rick

"I think I did that too," Kate admitted softly.

"What do you mean?" Castle probed, curious.

"Becoming a detective. Working my way to homicide because I needed that justice, that closure. Or, at least, I thought I did."

He nodded thoughtfully.

"I don't regret it," she continued. "It was what I thought I needed. I just didn't realize I'd never find what I was looking for by solving her case."

They'd talked this over long ago, had come to terms with their pasts and walls and weaknesses. Their misconceptions about themselves and about each other. At this point, there wasn't much more to say.

So rather than replying, he simply held her closer, breathed her in, knowing that whatever they'd been missing before, they'd long since found.

Here. With each other.

Thoughts?