Ipchun (eul) 1795
The next morning, Cheol-ju was not surprised to learn that Yunbok would be delaying his departure for a day. To the suggestion of returning at regular intervals to visit the family, he could give no definite answer. Much depended on his superiors' decision. He did not think it was possible but would inquire for further instructions given the complicated developments. What if he were not allowed to leave the retreat at all until the task was completed? That was not what Yunbok was looking forward to but he may not have a choice.
Jeong-hyang did not seem as upset as he was when he dropped in on her after breakfast. Instead, she was relieved to hear that he would be going without her, with periodic visits though that was not affirmed. It was more important that he fulfilled his obligations. Kyoung-mi would look after her well enough without his hovering over her every day. The faster he finished the task, the sooner they should be able to go home for she still cherished the hope of returning to Uiryeong. To that expressed wish, he could make no comment other than she would be able to join him soon. When Kyoung-mi came in with Jeong-hyang's breakfast, he left them to it after Kyoung-mi indicated someone was waiting to speak to him at the garden. He knew who it was and tried to prepare himself. The sight of Song-mi waiting for him made him hesitant but he approached her nevertheless.
"Master Seo," she greeted. There was nothing in her expression to indicate her mood.
"Mistress Na," he returned and wondered how he was to bring up the subject,
"You remembered." Her steady gaze made him feel awkward.
"After P'ado related the story of our encounter in the past," he fidgeted," I'm afraid that...I did not quite recall you until his reminder. I had thought you look familiar." He felt he was making weak excuses for his lapse.
"But why would you remember? Why should you? You must have met many others on your travels." There was no inflection in her tone at all that he could discern.
"Perhaps but you remained affixed for some years."
"Why?"
"Guilt..," he looked away to the flowers around them. "I remembered that day. When we met and what happened. I returned to retreive forgotten items..," he swallowed as ugly memories reared up before him.
"And?" curiosity in her voice.
"There was nothing I could do. I stayed hidden and ..," he stopped, unable to voice what he did.
"You left." Startled he turned and was staggered at the fury blazing in her eyes. "You left. I saw you ... you ran away after they were gone. Like the coward you were!"
She saw him leaving? He could hardly believe his ears. How was it possible?
"I called out, hoping you would hear, you would return but you never did." The fury left her as suddenly as it had appeared. "I crawled to omoni, aboji but they were already dead as I well knew. And so I lay there beside them, waiting to die. But fate was unkind, someone came by and found me. I lived when I wanted to die."
"Who was it that found you?" Her pain tore at him. The guilt weigh even heavier.
"The man I married," she stared at him searchingly for a while before looking away. "He saw to my parents' burial and took me away to a woman healer. It was months before I recovered. It was many more months later before I have no fear of the world outside. He was ever there. I knew not what purpose he had, to bide at my side. But when he proposed...I was shocked that he would want someone whose honor had been besmirched but he did not seem to care. I could not do that to him, burdened him so I refused. But he was stubborn. Finally, I agreed. Our son was born several years later." She gazed at him again. "Why did you run?"
"Fear of what I will see," he said frankly, "I heard everything. I thought everyone had died. I... I imagined the worst horrors and could not bear to look upon the aftermath of such bestiality with my own eyes, so I ran." His shoulders slumped and his head hung dejectedly. "Such was my fear, my only thought was to get away as far as possible. From those robbers, from that place of horror. I know what I say now cannot offer much succor for the pain of my cowardice but I offer it nevertheless. I am sorry."
"And yet, you are my lifeline."
"What?" he was puzzled.
"Your kindness and generosity were a light to our darkness. You were in the same strait and yet you thought nothing of giving up your food and money. None of those we came across was so selfless as to give all and leave nothing for themselves. When you ran away, your action was like a knife to me. I hated you for leaving me and I hated myself..," she reached out to touch his face. He frowned but did not back away.
"I wanted to die even as the woman healer did her outmost to treat my injuries. All I could think about was what had happened and after. Did you run away because you were disgusted with me?" He shook his head. "I knew it was so," she ignored his silent denial. "I imagined you making a good life for yourself, a wife, a family while I lived everyday with my shame. It was so unfair. The hate sustained me through those years."
"Do you..," he began. Did she still hate him?
"How do you separate hate and love? I hated you and yet I still love you." He forced himself to remain impassive despite the alarm that arose at that statement. He had to hear her out. "They are like the fleeting phases of the seasons. I came to understand that you were but a youth. Were you seasoned any better than I was?" she shook her head.
"What then? Where do you stand this day?" He froze when she hugged him and pulled away. "Please ...," he muttered uneasily. Was it the truth she spoke? There was something about her statements that did not sound right.
She withdrew a few steps, shaking her head. "I have to confess I'm in a dilemma."
"Why?" he said with some relief that she did not attempt further gestures of affection.
"How is it possible to love..?" There were tears in her eyes. "What will become of my husband?"
"I do not know but his past is against him..., " he said, ignoring her former statement.
"If.. if he does not return, what is to become of me and my son?"
"You are not alone," he said quickly. "Do you wish to return to your home?"
"I do not think they will accept me. They will know what he is by now."
"My cousin can offer shelter and an appointment." He frowned when she turned away. "The only problem that may arise is that her family may move to Uiryeong." He followed her, anxious that she accept the offered support as she turned away. "Unless you have other considerations, a move elsewhere would not be a difficulty."
"I do not know."
"It will take awhile before judgment is passed on your husband so take the time to think it over." He reined in his desire to insist she accept.
"His fate is so obvious isn't it? Is there even a chance?" she said. As there was no suitable answer, he held his tongue. It would be cruel to give her false hope. "To be alone again..," she muttered. "Your wife is here, isn't she?" The sudden change in subject took him by surprise.
"Yes, she is. She is abed due to a regrettable accident."
"It is unfortunate," she murmured, "I hope she will make a swift recovery."
"I would make introduction if you are agreeable." She turned to look at him in surprise. "She knows of my journeys and would welcome you."
"If she does not mind what I am, I will only be too please to meet her," she said after a moment of hesitation.
"What do you think you are?" he said.
"As the spouse of a murderer, can I escape the shadows of his dishonorable deeds?"
"Words cannot be caged but courage and the determination can overcome discrimination," he said earnestly, to prevent her falling deeper into despair. "If you feel you would rather begin afresh elsewhere, I will try my best to help you."
"There is no need for you to do this," she stared at him intensely.
"Indeed I do." He did not look away as he tried to convince her of his sincerity to help her. "To know that I could have aided then gives me no peace. Give me a chance to make amends."
"I ... will consider what you have said," she said, bowing her head and walking swiftly away as he made a half-hearted motion to stop her, wishing she would accept his offer without the reservations she was obviously having.
He changed his mind and watched her retreating back, feeling unsettled. On the one hand, he was relieved she seemed to harbour no ill feelings towards him. On the other, he was not certain how he should interpret her present regard of him. There was a strange inflection of truth and falsehood in her words. Disturbed, he made his way to Jeong-hyang's room, of a mind to discuss the conversation he just had when Cheol-ju hailed him. To his dismay, there was definite answer to his request but there had been an explicit message that he was to set off for the retreat that day. What was the urgency?
"The incident has roused much disturbance. It is advised that you are secluded, sir," explained Cheol-ju.
"I will not be able to drop by as I intended?" Yunbok sighed as Cheol-ju shook his head sympathetically. Having to abandon the plan of dropping in on Jeong-hyang was disappointing but the risk was too great for him to object. "How long do I have?"
"Until after the noon meal, sir."
So soon? Should he go? He nodded to Cheol-ju and continued on to his destination. His heart wished to stay whereas reason pointed to the sensible course of action. Which should he listen to? At that moment, he wished he had not the talent to paint and was promptly disgusted with himself for indulging in such foolishness. There was still hours yet, he should cherish the time he was there. No one was there when he reached Jeong-hyang's room. Her colour was better, he was glad to note.
"What is it?" she said as he sat down for she had seen the turmoil in his eyes.
"I can't stay for the day, I have to leave after noon," he said, reaching for her hand. "There's... they want me secluded as soon as possible."
"There's trouble?" she said anxiously, knowing what he was obliquely referring to.
"We evaded an incident but there is still some stirrings so..," he trailed off. "I'm afraid I am not allowed to visit either."
"What about letters? Surely we can write to each other...what is it?" she broke off when he did not reply.
"Do you remember that tragedy I spoke of years ago? The girl and her family whom I met at Duryunsan?" he saw that she did. "She's here." He put up a hand when she gasped in astonishment. "She survived and married the man, Ui-sik, Hak-sun's friend. He was the one who rescued her. I spoke to her earlier and offered my aid. She said she will think about it."
"That's not all there is to it," she said immediately.
"No. She saw me running away in the aftermath. It left ill feelings," he sighed. "I should not have done so. I should not have let my fear drove me away. If I had not, I would have found her alive."
"You were young and afraid of what you would see." She was disturbed. It had taken him a long time to get over this particular incident. Days of conversation, months of patient reflection that she thought he would never put it behind him. Now it had come to haunt him again. This time, in the flesh. Would he be able to surmount this trial once more?
"What did she say?" she asked anxiously and listened as he recounted the conversation to her. "Seeing you must have brought back the pain ... she hates you for that. It has been so long, won't she have forgiven?"
"Knowing how it affected it me .. how would it be for her?" He closed his eyes as grief came welling up. "I'm all right," he said as she touched his face worriedly. "She's a different person now. I have no idea what is her present stance. She seems to have forgiven me but her manner is unsettling. I do not feel at ease."
"Are you worried she's another Kyoung-mi?"
"I feel this is different," he said slowly. "I cannot explain it. Perhaps she recalls what she felt and merely carried out her feelings of the moment..."
"But you are not sure," she sighed as she contemplated the problem of having to deal with another with an ardor for Yunbok. "Perhaps if I have the chance to talk to her?"
"I will introduce her to you before I leave," he said. "Perhaps I am thinking too much over her words."
"It's this strange vagueness of her that's the cause of your feeling that you should stay, isn't it?" He smiled wryly as she touched the root of his dilemma. "Why?"
"I'm not sure. Perhaps I feel she is evading or hiding something," he heaved a sigh. "I wish there is more time for me to be certain of her. Leaving without solving this mystery is unsatisfactory."
"It is better now if you come clean on how many young women you encountered in the past. Just so I can prepare to ward you from them," she said flippantly in an effort to distract him as she felt he was working himself into a wrinkle.
"Heh, that would be every woman I came across in that year," he chuckled before sobering. "We can write but I would rather bring you with me."
"Time passes. Before you know it, I will be there," she said as he bent to lightly touch her cheek with his.
"You must take extra care of yourself during this time since you will be weaker."
All was quiet as they shared a moment of warm contentment in each other's presence. It was broken when Young-joon came in search of Yunbok, greeting the duo with much ebullience, brushing aside Yunbok's apology for the trouble he had gotten him into. How could anyone expect a simple visit to turn into a hornet's nest? Exchanging a droll look with Jeong-hyang, Yunbok forebore to mention that it was exactly what they had discussed except that no one could have predicted it would turn out as it did.
"How long are you planning to stay in Siheung?" he asked.
"I am hoping to spend some time here with all of you and Kyoung-mi before we return home," Young-joon scratched his chin thoughtfully. "But now, seeing that you will not be here..," he looked at Yunbok with a questioning eye.
"Two months," Yunbok answered, knowing what he was alluding to.
"What about P'ado's ceremony? Do you want to hold it here than Uiryeong?"
"We're delaying it, I'm sure he will not mind. There are..," Yunbok glanced at Jeong-hyang, "some other matters to look to. I'm asking if it's possible for you to stay here for a month, after which we're sending P'ado back to Uiryeong with you. We will also need to trouble you to hold the ceremony for him and possibly look after him for a while until he is able to support himself."
"I don't understand." Young-joon was bewildered for it seemed to him that Yunbok was saying he and Jeong-hyang would not be returning to Uiryeong. "The mishap we were expecting did not happen so aren't you returning home after your current task?"
"I'm sorry old friend, but it may be we will not return to Uiryeong." Yunbok waved to Young-joon to hear him out. "There are some matters that we have to discuss with P'ado that may not turn out well, hence, we hope you will be able to look out for him when we can not."
"But what..," Young-joon began to ask before he stopped. Whatever it was must be private and not meant to be shared outside the family. It was not his place to inquire into it. "I hope it does not come to that. I come with you to render whatever aid I can. I do not expect to lose my friends," he said sadly.
"Brother Han, we may not be near but we will maintain contact," Yunbok said in empathy for he was not looking forward to it either. Young-joon had been the only and closest friend he had since he left Hanseong. It would be a great lost to him not to have such close contact in future.
"It is hard for us too," Jeong-hyang wiped a tear away. "Even if we are far away, you and your family are always in our hearts."
"Ah... let's ..let's hope for the best, shall we?" mumbled Young-joon. "Since you asked me to look after P'ado, I presume master Park will go with you."
"We are his family," Yunbok said matter-of-factly. Young-joon nodded, not surprised at all but it would mean losing yet another friend. His father would be grieved as well. He was further dismayed when Yunbok said, "I have to leave after the noon meal. They want me to begin on the task as soon as possible."
"I had hoped to spend a day with you, around town," he said unhappily. "To unwind from the recent stress."
"I'm afraid I'm proving to be a disappointment for some people today," Yunbok said humorously.
"You should not say so of yourself," chided Jeong-hyang who knew he was not really jesting.
"Who else has he disappointed today?" Young-joon was curious. His apprehension increased after listening to Yunbok's explanation. "She did mention meeting you but I did not know that such a tragic incident happened. Her anger is expected but surely she does not hold it against you? Did she not say it herself she realised that your youth was a mitigating factor?"
"She did but I feel that perhaps she has not truly forgiven me. The act of forgiveness is not easy," Yunbok said gravely.
"That is true," Young-joon agreed.
"I told him that her failure to give him her acceptance of his aid is really what's troubling him." Jeong-hyang squeezed Yunbok's hand, out of Young-joon's sight. "To accept is a clear sign of healing. To say she is considering his suggestion means she has yet to let go of her animosity."
"I am also afraid of what she might do," confessed Yunbok. "I do not know where her hate is directed at," he said when they looked at him for an explanation. "She hated me for my leaving, hated herself for her living."
"Ah, will she direct it against you or herself?" Young-joon understood his point.
"If only she would give me an answer before I leave." Yunbok through the partially open windows facing the garden. "That will put my worries to rest."
"Perhaps you should ask her again," suggested Jeong-hyang. "Didn't you say you want to introduce us?"
"I'll try to see her later," Yunbok said, hoping he would be able to persuade her. "Enough of our problems, brother. I can see for myself you are in good spirits! Would you care to share your experiences of the past several days?"
At that, Young-joon was more than glad to tell the tale of that terrifying night, eager to share and release his pent up emotions. How dark that night had seemed to him, fleeing for his life and his fear to be entangled in a treasonous plot. Truly, he had thought he would lose his life. He had prayed long and hard for salvation. The days and nights of staying cooped up in stuffy rooms, scurrying and lying still for fear of discovery whenever there were sounds of soldiers going by. The worst crunch of all was to be held hostage even though he had willingly agreed to Ui-sik's suggested counter plan.
"I had the dagger all ready," he said, pulling his sleeve to show them where he had hidden it. "I was shaking so at the thought of stabbing someone that I thought surely the men that stood watch would know what I had in mind but I supposed they thought I was in terror."
"How were you released?" Yunbok said, half smiling at Young-joon's exaggerated demonstration of how he was quaking. "The soldiers brought a couple of the rogue troop with them."
"It was just as well they did. The men holding me recognised them and that put them off their guard. The rescuers rushed in when they were lured outside." Young-joon could not hold back the shudder as he recalled the rescue.
"What happened to the injured agent?"
"I have no idea. They took him away. He was in a bad way and really needed proper care," Young-joon sighed. "I can't believe it happened. Can you imagine what aboji will say or how Su-dae will react?"
"You are going to tell her everything?" Jeong-hyang asked slyly.
"Perhaps not," Young-joon said after a moment of consideration. "I can imagine her having hysterics. She might even stop me from taking trips."
"You know her best but does she seem like a person who will not empathise with you?" she hid a smile at his discomfiture.
"Er ... well, women are so ...," he caught himself before he finished his sentence, blushing red at their chuckles. "Maybe I will tell her. Is it noon already?" He was surprised when Kyoung-mi called outside the door and came in bearing a soban. Behind her was Song-mi with another soban, to Yunbok's surprise.
"Sachon," Kyoung-mi addressed Yunbok after she introduced Song-mi to Jeong-hyang. "I have some good news to impart. Song-mi here has accepted your recommendation, with sieomeoni's approval of course. As from today, she will be helping us in the house."
"I'm glad to hear of it," he said cautiously to Song-mi who bowed serenely. Did it reflect her true sentiment? He hid his doubt lest it showed but it was what he was seeking was it not, he asked himself. An answer. So why was he still having so many misgivings? He should accept it as it was. "This will provide the security and support for yourself and your son."
"I can ask no more." She bowed again as he flashed a quick look to Jeong-hyang who nodded. She would be on her guard around her.
Kyoung-mi watched their disquietude and silent message with intense curiosity and foreboding. Something was amiss with Song-mi. She intent to find out what it was. If the woman meant trouble, she would much prefer not to extend her help. Leaving the men to their meals, she withdrew to the kitchen with Song-mi and sent her out with a couple of the maids to buy more provisions, bringing her son, Jinjia, along as well. Pleased to have gotten her away for the moment, she returned to Jeong-hyang's room to question Yunbok even if it meant interrupting his lunch. Something sieomeon would take her to task if she knew but there was no one around to tattle on her.
"And you asked me to help her?" she exclaimed after she had gotten the story out of him. "If she is driven by hate ..."
"She does not seem to be so, does she?" he gestured to her to hear him out. "Yes, I have my worries but it is unfair to condemn her immediately. What she feels is what anyone can expect from a person who has suffered. I evoked those emotions in her again so it is my fault. Give her time to get over it. The offer of shelter and a settled future may ease her through."
"And it may not. Forgive me but I would prefer..," Kyoung-mi could not help but think of her son.
"Kyoung-miya, how about this? Give her a few weeks or so," Young-joon said, knowing what his cousin was afraid of, "while you make other arrangements for her. If you do not wish to have her here after this period of observation, then send her on to an alternative employer. Given her erratic emotional state, she should not suffer any further setbacks or rejections."
"I'm sorry, Kyoung-miya for putting this burden on you," Yunbok said apologetically. "I did not expect this matter to turn out this way. Brother Han is right, since we have ensured her of her future, we can not make sudden changes that may disturb her."
"Perhaps, I will speak to my husband. Mayhaps she can help at the shop rather than the house," Kyoung-mi said reluctantly, after thinking it over and conceding that they were right.
"Since we are acquainted, I will find excuses to engage her in further dialogues to assess her condition," Young-joon looked to Yunbok who nodded in agreement, "other than to keep an eye on her."
"It may be I am jumping to erroneous assumptions. There might be nothing wrong with her but nevertheless, don't make it too obvious you are keeping an eye on her," warned Yunbok.
"Not meaning to cast aspersion on your ratiocination," said Young-joon who wagged a finger at Yun-bok, "I would rather that you are wrong."
"I will not mind if it is so," Yunbok said soberly.
The issue was dropped there and then for everyone felt enough had been said. Yunbok finished his lunch. While Young-joon went off with Kyoung-mi to look in on his nephew, he took some time to start Pokkot on her first lesson when she came in with Jeong-hyang's meal. They moved to the window so they would not disturb Jeong-hyang. Pointing around the room and to the garden, Yunbok elucidated on the points he wanted to make to the girl as she listened attentively, eyes bright.
He watched as she drew her first picture for him, noting that she had an eye for details. When she was done, he had her showed it to Jeong-hyang who praised her effort, infusing genuine criticism. Young-joon returned when Pokkot was trying another picture. He too was similarly supportive. In the midst of of their discussion, Cheol-yu turned up. Time to go. In the presence of others, Yunbok was unable to take the leave he would like with Jeong-hyang who simply sent him off appropriately, but with a look he understood. He went to look for his hosts and bid them farewell.
"I don't suppose Song-mi knows who you are," Young-joon murmured almost inaudibly as he walked with Yunbok to the gates as Cheol-yu followed.
"No, she doesn't..," Yunbok halted in mid stride as a thought struck him. "Why do you think she does?"
"Pokkot's painting lesson reminded me of something." Young-joon leaned closer to Yunbok. "I bought replicas that day when I shepherded P'ado. During the flight, I brought them along with me because I thought they might be damaging if they were left behind. She was interested in them during those days when we were holed up at Hwaseong I caught her ripping up one of them. Do you think she suspects?"
A chill settled on Yunbok. Ripping up the replicas? What did her action signify? "Where are those replicas now?"
"I don't know. They vanished. I never thought any more of them until just now."
They stared at each other as they realised the problem had magnified. Or not?