So a blind man walks into a bar. Like literally walks into a bar. Cus he's blind. Get it? Oh come on gimme a break I've gotta work this whole blind thing in my favour, don't I? Okay okay, I'll be serious now. Wait is it time for my close-up? Make sure you get my left side. Not my right, my left is my good side. Oh it's not that kind of close-up? Aw man, I was so ready to make my big début on television, too! Oh darn. I thought we were talking like interview here. Oh! I didn't realize this was a BOOK! I thought ASWAH was just writing for the fun of it. You know, writing what "happened" to Hazel after Gus died. What "happened" to ME after Gus died. My dear readers, ASWAH doesn't really know what happened after Gus died. Only I, Isaac, can tell you that. But it's a secret, so don't tell anyone. It started out with darkness…
I couldn't sleep last night. You know, it's a funny thing, for a blind person to sleep. There is no real difference between sleeping and being awake besides consciousness. I'm constantly in the dark, and the gears in my head are turning whether I'm awake or asleep. When I'm asleep, I'm in space. When I'm awake...it's Hazelland. I still remember what she looks like from before I went blind. I don't know how I would've forgotten it. Her hair was brown, a hazelnut brown. It was short, but I can tell it's grown out since then. Her eyes were a beautiful hazel green. Everything about her was and is Hazel. I remember seeing her for the first time in Support Group. I nodded at her and let out a sigh, only audible to us. She returned the sigh and I let out an actual sigh of relief. There was a lot of sighing going on. But the second I asked Augustus to come with me, I knew I was over. There was no denying that connection, so I backed down and permitted myself to just be friends with her.
I friend-zoned myself. I mean, I still had Monica and she was the hottest beauty I'd ever laid eyes on, but Hazel was different. I made myself focus only on Monica and our make-out sessions. Her lips felt so good on mine, oh God. But as soon as I found out the cancer was back in my bloody eyes and was getting surgery, I felt her fading. One day after support group, I took Monica's hand and I lead her over to our spot. I kept murmuring "always", but she wasn't saying it back. I ignored the possibility of her wanting to break up with me after I got my surgery. It hurt too much to think about it. I wasn't ready to let her go, so I just pushed past my feelings and tried to get a response out of her. Nothing.
Fast forward to last night. Monica broke up with me after I got my surgery. It hurt like hell and I missed her every day. But back to why I couldn't sleep last night? Hazel. Hazel's eyes, Hazel's soft delicate touch, Hazel, Hazel, Hazel. i grabbed my phone and texted her. It was too early for her to be up; 4 am, but I figured she would see it when she woke up. I needed an excuse to see her. To be around her. To be with her. I frantically racked my brain for what I could use. After ten minutes, or what seemed like an eternity, I had it. Price of Dawn. My fingers flew over the braille letters and hit SEND.
Satisfied, I went back to sleep.
The next morning, I got a text around 12. Not unusually early for Hazel to be awake. What, with her taking the next semester off of classes, to "heal", she rarely gets up before noon. It was her mother's idea that she take the break and I guess it sounded good to her, but not for the obvious reasons. I know she's still hurting. My own mother told me to be careful with my feelings and hers. I'm not insensitive. I still miss him too, sometimes. She's not the only one suffering this loss though sometimes she sure makes it seem like she is.
He was my best friend. We did everything together. I don't mean that in the sappy-2nd-grade-BFFAEISDYFIOWCBFA(best friend forever and ever I'm serious don't you forget it or we can't be friends anymore) sort of way, but we were tight. He was there for me when I found out I had this mother-foxing eye cancer and I remember when he got his leg amputated. All those basketball trophies in his room? Yeah I broke those. He let me. When I started chemo, he was there in the room, cheering me on saying "FOX THIS CANCER ISAAC BEAT IT BEAT BEAT IT!" It hurt less because I was focusing on how ridiculous he looked with a pair of surgical gloves on his hands and prancing around the room(with the little space he had) as if he was a dancer in the Spring Ballet. He was there for me. I tried to be there for him, but some days he was just reticent and I knew that keeping my distance was the best thing I could do for him. He tried his best not to let his cancer get the best of him, but I could tell he was failing his last few months. He was frustrated and angry. Hazel made it better, but Hazel wasn't always there. She wasn't there and she didn't know what was happening. Because he didn't let her know.
He wanted to "protect" her by not telling her the truth about what was really happening to him. So she went on loving him not knowing that her boyfriend was going to die in a couple of months. I knew. I overheard my mom talking to Mrs. Waters on the phone. Next time I saw him, I asked him if it was true. He said
"Yes, they found more cancer and it looks grave. I've not much longer, Isaac. We're going to Amsterdam. We need to find this Peter Van Houten and find out what happens to Anna in the end of An Imperial Affliction. But that's not the reason we're going. I need to do something unforgettable with Hazel before I go so I don't feel like I've wasted my time here. Amsterdam. If I don't make it back, take care of her. Don't let her cry. Comfort her, Isaac. For me. She needs to know that its okay to move on, please Isaac. "
I was speechless. Here we had my best friend talking about the girl he loved more than anything else in the world and what would happen to him after he. I can't even say it. I can't believe we had that conversation, that actual conversation, it makes me so angry why did we have that conversation? I knew it would have to happen sometime, but I thought we'd have longer. I didn't want to think about it. It was hard, why the hell would I want to think about my best friend leaving forever? I was angry. "You're not leaving, Gus. Not now, you can't go now. Come on, man be serious please you can't be serious tell me you are not leaving, Augustus Matthias Waters, TELL ME!"
I can't talk anymore. But to answer his request, yes. Yes, Augustus, I will take care of Hazel for you.
"I guess I'm still holding onto something that I know will probably never happen because somewhere deep down inside of me, I have this little piece of hope that someday, it will."