After a lot of thought as well as some outside opinions, I've decided to put the rest of this fic on hold until after the season finale. Because the end of the season is always so emotional and intense and has very interconnected storylines, I feel I won't be able to do the story justice until I see how everything plays out. However, I didn't see the harm in posting this chapter, since this ep was supposed to air first anyway.

Still

"Oh! I didn't expect anyone to be here."

Castle looked up just in time to see Martha come flouncing into his office, donning a bright turquoise jacket and contrasting coral-colored scarf and gloves to stave off the brisk spring air.

He smiled up at her, offered his cheek as she bent down to press a quick kiss against it.

"So... what are you doing home on this fine Tuesday afternoon?" she asked in that knowing way of hers.

"Just waiting for Kate."

"And reading about her, it would seem," she offered astutely, with a glance at the journal in his hands.

Castle shrugged in response.

"So where is our darling Detective?" Martha asked as she removed her gloves, loosened her scarf.

"Out with Lanie, getting her fitted for a bridesmaid dress," Castle explained, adding with a pout, "apparently it's a girls-only activity."

"Well, darling, what did you expect?"

"I know, it's just..." he sighed. "I was hoping we could spend her day off just relaxing here, you know? All this wedding planning is exhausting."

"Well, you could always hire someone else to take care of things fo..."

"No," he interrupted firmly. "It's just us this time." He leaned forward, set the journal face down on his desk, splayed out across the wooden surface to mark the page. "I'm doing this one right."

"Oh, my son, finally all grown up," Martha cooed.

Castle made a face that was somewhere between a grimace, a smile, and a pout, made even more comical when Martha reached out to lovingly pinch his cheek. He scrunched up his nose as she released her grip, reached up to rub at his face.

"How are the plans coming along?" his mother inquired after a moment.

He smiled, couldn't help himself whenever the topic of the wedding came up. He was getting married in a few months.

To Kate Beckett.

"We don't have a cake yet, and the decorations aren't finalized. But we're getting there."

Martha smiled proudly. "Glad to hear it." She stood, once again gestured towards the journal with a flourish as she made her way out of the office. "All right, well, I'll leave you to it. I'm just stopping by to pick up a few costumes."

Castle shook his head in amusement as he heard her make her way up the stairs, to the closet in her old bedroom where she still stored a collection of costumes and a random assortment of other items. He was just reaching for the journal, settling back in with it, when the front door opened again, and Alexis was in class so he knew it had to be Kate.

He watched with a smile through the gaps in the bookshelves, entranced by the long, graceful lines of her as she toed off her boots, slipped off her jacket and scarf and hung them in the hall closet before crossing the room in search of... well, hopefully him.

"Hey," she murmured, appearing in the doorway seconds later.

Castle smiled softly. "Hey."

She made her way to him, leaned down to drop a sweet kiss on his lips. "How's writing?"

"I gave up about an hour ago," he admitted sheepishly. "How was dress shopping?"

Kate smiled, perched herself on the edge of his desk, close enough that her legs were propped right next to his chair. "It was good. She found one, so..."

He met her smile, reached out to rest a hand on her thigh, just above her knee. "I'm glad."

She covered his hand with her own. "Me too."

"You look like you had a good time too," Castle observed, taking in the light in her eyes, the pink of her cheeks.

"It makes it real, you know?"

He nodded. He did know. The day last month that she and Jim had decided she'd wear Johanna's wedding dress had really solidified the importance and permanency of the day, of their future.

"Six more months."

A stunning smile split her face as she leaned down for another kiss, this one deeper than the last. Castle's arm rose to wrap around her lower back, tugging her to him, and she settled onto his lap, looping one arm around his neck and draping her legs across his thighs.

His arm settled firmly around her waist, holding her in place, lips never parting as they resituated.

Eventually, though, oxygen became a necessity, and Kate pulled back, leaving a lingering pack on his lips. She smiled dazzlingly down at him, saw his own smitten grin reflecting back at her.

"Hi," he breathed.

"Hi," she replied adoringly.

Castle lifted his right hand, gently tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear, fingertips lingering on her skin, trailing down the line of her cheek to her jaw, using the lightest amount of pressure to guide her back in for another kiss.

In the foyer, Martha chanced a peek through the bookcase wall, smiling proudly as she watched the love flow between them, heard the din of soft words being exchanged. She shook her head to herself as she readjusted the costumes over her forearm, silently slipped out of the loft in deference to their privacy.

They were so in love, and she was proud of them both for finally, finally, letting themselves fall.

"So what are Nikki and Rook up to?" Kate murmured after a moment.

Castle shrugged. "Their last lead didn't pan out, so they're just..."

He trailed off.

"Stuck?" Kate offered.

"You could say that."

"Mmmm. So you decided to read for inspiration again?"

He shook his head. "I was thinking about you doing wedding stuff, and about us," he explained, "and about how far we've come. So..."

"So you were reading," she finished, pure love bubbling over in her chest at this wonderful, sweet man, at the fact that he wrote about her because he'd loved her long before she'd allowed herself to see it, that he read it because he loved their story just as much as she did.

"Yeah."

Kate leaned up to press her lips to his cheek, unable to stop herself from smiling against his skin. "How far did you get?"

"Mmmm, to the case with the plethora of con-men."

She chuckled against him at the memory. "Wanna keep going?"

He picked up the journal in response, smoothed down the pages.

They spent the next hour wedged in his desk chair, skimming through some of the entries, skipping others entirely, pausing on occasion to reminisce, laughing and smiling at the fun and funny memories.

It was like the cliffnotes version of their story, and even though she'd been there, had lived through all of it, it still amazed her that it was real. That they'd been through all of this. That it had led them to this – an engagement, a future.

Eventually, they found themselves staring at unfamiliar words. A letter that Kate didn't recognize, from a memory that sat on the tip of her tongue, not quite able to find its way out.

Dear Kate,

I feel like I've said this more than once throughout the course of this journal, but I was so terrified yesterday. So terrified. Even watching you take a bullet wasn't quite as petrifying as this, because back then I didn't know what it was like to be with you. I didn't know what it was like to be loved by you. I didn't fully understand what I stood to lose.

Now I know. Now I know what it feels like to hold you, kiss you, love you, fall asleep next to you and wake with you in my arms. If I'd lost you...

I don't think I need to say more.

The pain of having to walk away from you was debilitating. Not being able to hug you or kiss you or even touch you one last time cracked my chest wide open. Hearing you tell me you love me and saying it back, knowing it was the last time I would speak those words broke my heart. It was awful.

I feel like I shouldn't complain, because I know that for whatever I was feeling, it was probably worse for you. I had a way out. I had an escape. You didn't.

On the other hand, maybe I did have it worse since I was one who would have survived and had to move on without you. Having to watch the bomb go off, knowing that you were inside that building with no chance of survival. I couldn't have done it. Not a chance. It scares me, more than a little bit, how utterly devastated I felt as I was walking away from you, knowing it might be the last time I laid eyes on you. The last time I got to see you smile, hear your voice, look into your eyes.

I don't know how you did it, Kate. I don't know how you came to peace with it. I don't understand how you could look at me and tell me you had no regrets. In your situation, I don't think I could have done the same. Yes, I have a wonderful daughter and a successful career. Yes, I've had a lot of fun in my days. But what about everything that hasn't happened yet? What about us, Kate? I've enjoyed every second I've spent with you, more than I can put into words, but eleven months isn't nearly enough. I know that if it'd been me standing on that bomb instead of you, I would have regretted all the things we haven't had a chance to do yet.

Move in together. Get married. Have a family. Grow old together.

It was selfish of me to come back up there and put myself in danger when I have a family to think about, but what you didn't realize is that you are family. I would do anything for my family. I would die for them, which means I would die for you, too. I know you were upset with me, but that's why I came back; there was still a chance, and as long as there was, I knew the only thing I could do was to save your life or die trying. I never would have forgiven myself if I'd stood back and watched. A life with that knowledge hanging over my head isn't a life I'm interested in living.

The life I want to live is with you. The future I see is with you. I don't ever want to give that up.

I know there are no guarantees, but this one was just too close. Way too close. Times like this, I wish we could live in a bubble, away from all of the outside dangers. Just you and me. I know that's completely unrealistic. However, we have the day off today, and I'm sure you're exhausted and sore... sounds like a good day to curl up in our own little bubble and celebrate being alive.

By the way, I'm really glad you're okay.

It feels so good to know I can say this out loud now...I love you, Kate. So much.

Rick

"Castle," she murmured.

"Hmmm?"

Her head was tucked in next to his, lips against his shoulder as she spoke, and the words were soft but clear. "Thank you."

For saving her that day. For all the other times he'd saved her. For being there, day after day, even when she'd wanted him gone. For coming back, for forgiving her.

For seeing what they had long before she did, and for fighting to get them there.

He smiled, pressed his lips to her hair, and she knew what was coming even before the word left his mouth.

"Always."

Thoughts?