First off, SO SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG! Life has been life: extremely busy. These last few months have been an insane, scary rollercoaster for me and my family, and I've been trying to just live life. But now that everything's back to normal, or as normal as things will get, I'll be trying to post more chapters. Again, so sorry for not updating in months! I hope your holidays were great and that Valentine's Day wasn't too miserable for you Singletons. - I don't say that with hate, I am very affectionate towards my fellow Singletons. Alright, enough blabbering. Here's Isaac.

I gave Hazel the box of letters. From Gus. I know she still misses him and that she's got to move on eventually and doing this would only slow down her healing process or whatever, but she needed this. My mom told me to be gentle. Always reminding me that she's still broken and to be cautious and sensitive and not say anything that could trigger Hazel. And of all things, what could trigger her more than a box of letters from her dead boyfriend? Mom said I was being cruel, giving her the box, but I don't see it as that. If anything, I'd be crueler hiding these from her. She needs everything she can get and if showing her some letters delays her a little bit, at least she'll know that he didn't leave not thinking about her. Them. Gus, I'm taking care of Hazel for you. First, by giving her what belongs to her.

They were in Amsterdam when he wrote the last letter. He called me up, told me that he's got a couple days left. I told him to shut up and just go live. We hung up. I was angry. Angry that Death would take my best friend from me so soon. We weren't done yet. Not done living, but of course you can't stop Death from taking its course. I wanted to see Gus live to see his 21st birthday. We had plans. We were going to go to New York on New Year's Eve. Times Square, watch the ball drop, get high on life and just remember why living is so great. I wanted to see him beat the odds. Needless to say, it didn't happen. It made me furious. I live in defiance to what people say. I don't fit the mold and take on every insult as a challenge to prove them wrong. This contradicted my being. I couldn't save my best friend from his expiration date and it killed me. I would have given everything to see him live a while longer. It should have been me. And I'm pissed at how insensitive I was. I was so selfish, thinking about how much I was losing, never being able to see again, but I should've thought about Hazel and, his parents. The Mr. and Mrs. have been so strong through it all. Or, as strong as you can be when your son is suddenly dying from cancer again after having been in remission for so long.

I don't want to think about Death. He's freaking ugly. I've seen him a lot in my existence, but never have I ever met him, come face to face…erm, hood, with him, or have him suck the life out of me. There have been days where I feel like I'm pretty darn close to meeting him, but then Life jerks me back to Earth. It wouldn't be fair if I died. My cancer isn't even really life threatening. Hazel's is. Hazel Grace Lancaster. Hazelnut. I smile at the memory of when I gave her that nickname. We were just joking one day when I said she looked like a hazelnut. Everything about her is Hazel. If she was a color, she'd be hazel.

When we were walking through the house, Mom stopped me and asked me if I was sure she was ready. I can't explain it, but we're never going to be ready for what we need. We don't know what we need until we get it and are satisfied. It's a twisted way of thinking, always hopeless. I didn't feel hopeless as I sat there with Hazel, holding her as she cried into my shoulder. I was scared, though. For her. I was sad for her. I didn't want to see her hurting so freaking badly. She shouldn't have to hurt so much. All I wanted to do was protect her from feeling those sharp pangs of guilt and dejection. There are some people in the world who don't deserve to suffer; who shouldn't have to know the pain of losing someone. Hazel is one of those people. We sat there for a while, me holding her and stroking her hair. Mom didn't come in, nor did Neil. Eventually, she sat up and I gave her a much needed hug. I mean, my arms were already around her, but this was the mother of all hugs. I helped her up and we went downstairs for what she came for: The Price of Dawn. We've played about a hundred times, so we lost interest pretty quickly. 30 minutes later, we're just sitting on the couch, her soft hand on mine.

ASWAH, what do you think I should do? I obviously care very deeply about Hazel, but I don't want to jeopardize anything. Is it too soon? It's been 4 months since Gus died, but it feels like he just left yesterday. AUGUSTUS WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE SO SOON? AND LEAVE ME NO INSTRUCTION ON WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR GIRL! Okay, that's not fair, Gus gave me SOME instruction. I mean, he said "Take care of her. Let her mourn, but then move on." AUGUSTUS WATERS WHEREVER YOU ARE, CHATTING UP THE OTHER CANCER VICTIMS, WHY DIDN'T I GET A BOX FULL OF LETTERS, TOO? How am I supposed to take care of her? How long should I let her mourn? Am I allowed to cry? To be honest, I haven't. I'm Isaac. I'm a rock. A freaking blind, stoic, rock who misses his best friend. Gus, you better not be laughing if I do end up crying.

Neil came into my room after Hazel leaves. Not much happened after we stopped playing TPoD. We just sat there, both lost in our own thoughts, until her phone rang with her mom saying she had to go. Neil's only 15, but he knows more about relationships then I did at 15. I'm at my desk, fumbling with the toy car Gus gave me when I learned how to drive. Pre blindness. He knows something's up. "Isaac, do you love Hazel?" I bang my head on the desk in response. I don't know, Neil. I don't know.

Quote for this chapter: "If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives."