CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Title: "Salvation: Forever and Always: Elusive Dreams – PART III"
Author: Michelle Heath
Rating: MA for adult situations and language
Summary: Story #9 in the Salvation series. The bonds of family bring the Five-0 ohana even closer.
Disclaimer: I so do not own Hawaii Five-0; unfortunately! All original characters are the property of the author!
Date Written: March 7, 2013
A/N: Wow! This storyline has obviously made an impact on a good many of you based on the p/ms I've received and reviews, as well. Thank you all so much for your positive feedback and suggestions and, please, keep them coming! Michelle
(Capt. Stewart has taken Libby and Mike and Caroline and Danny into a small conference room across the hall from his office to allow Sam and Steve some time together. Libby is in shock and Mike gently directs her to a chair and then perches on the arm with his arm around her shoulders while Caroline begins to pace from one end of the long table to the other. Emily is upset. She didn't see either of her parents all day and then her Mommy was crying loudly and then her Daddy and Mommy were both crying and then Uncle Danny carried her out of the room. Well, now it's time for Emily to cry and she does; loudly. Danny, realizing that he seems to be the only one capable of dealing with Emily at the moment, begins talking to the little girl in soft tones as he carries her to the opposite end of the room, and soon has Emily smiling. Capt. Stewart, having settled himself in a chair at one end of the conference table, watches as Caroline and her parents struggle to come to terms with what they've just heard. Finally, with a frown on her beautiful face, Caroline stops pacing and whirls around to face the Captain and her parents.)
"Sam doesn't really believe that I resent her, does she? I mean, one of the best days of my life was the day you guys told me you were going to adopt her. Surely she knows that we love her; that I love her and that I really did . . DO want her to be my sister in every sense of the word? How, for one second, could she ever think we don't love her? How can she even begin to think she is in any way responsible for the Murdock's deaths? Oh, my God, what is wrong with her?"
"Caroline, Sweetheart, your sister is suffering from Survivor's Guilt. I don't know why I didn't see this happening a long time ago."
"Why didn't I see it, Mike? That sweet child has been suffering silently all these years! Were we so caught up in our lives that we didn't notice that one of our girls was hurting?"
"You and Dad can't take all the blame, Mom. Sam and I have been thick as thieves since shortly after we met. We always knew what the other was thinking and feeling, and I didn't see it, either. For God's sake, Steve had no idea!"
(Deciding to try and allay Sam's family's fears, Capt. Stewart chooses this particular moment to interrupt them.)
"If I may . . . I'm a psychiatrist and a military psychiatrist, at that, and I didn't realize until a few minutes ago that Cmdr. McGarrett, . . Sam, was a victim of Survivor's Guilt. I've seen many soldiers come home from deployments suffering from this syndrome because they had lost friends in combat, but . . We all tend to forget that any kind of traumatic loss can cause Survivor's Guilt. Although, from everything I've read in her service record and been told Sam was very mature for her age, she was, after all, only seventeen when her parents were killed; for all intents and purposes, she was still a child. Her subconscious self felt that, because she had not gone with her parents when they'd both asked her to, she could have, perhaps, prevented their deaths. So, she proceeded to try to "make it up to them" by excelling in her studies and her career. I'm convinced that she wouldn't make as commitment to Steve for so long because she couldn't allow herself to be happy. Thank God that young man refused to give up on her and finally convinced her to marry him else we might not have this chance to help her overcome this. For a while after their marriage, Sam was able to put these feelings of culpability away and enjoy her life, but when she lost her first baby, the one she wasn't aware she was carrying, the guilt began to resurface. Over time, these feelings grew until you, Lt. Williams, were involved in the accident and went into the catatonic state. When Sam talked to you in an effort to bring you out of it and talked about her parents, it brought everything back to the point we're at now. But, she finally realized that she needed to face this problem and stop pushing it away, so, in a sense, you have helped her take the first step toward recovery."
(Caroline takes a few moments to digest what the doctor has just told her and her expression changes from one of despair to one of determination. Taking the few steps necessary to place her directly in front of Capt. Stewart, Caroline looks him straight in the eye.)
"Okay, then, tell me, tell us, what we need to do to help my sister, Capt. Stewart. Tell us how to take away Sam's pain and help her be happy again."
"You're already doing it, Lieutenant. Sam's 'confession' to all of you tonight is the first step in the recovery process. She has, in effect, admitted that she is aware she has a problem. What you all need to do now is tell her that you love her; show her how much she means to each of you just as you have done in the past. She's not going to recover from this overnight; it's going to take some time, and there will be times when she's going to . . Falter, but you all need to remain determined. Now, I'm not saying that you should tip-toe around her and only provide her with positive reinforcement. Much as with you, Lieutenant, she needs to hear the bad as well as the good. If she says or does something that angers you, let her know. If you don't agree with her about something, tell her; but do not treat her with kid gloves. Her husband is going to be a huge part of her recovery, but I don't think any of us have to worry about his willingness to help her. And, of course, I will be seeing Sam for a while to help her, as well. Sam is going to have to forgive herself before she will be able to move forward. Just as it has taken years for her feelings to manifest themselves to the point where she lost rational control this afternoon, it's going to take time for her to reach a point where she can put this behind her and move on with her life."
"Wow, guess I'm going to have to develop some serious patience fairly quickly, and, I gotta tell you, Capt. Stewart, patience is not one of my strong suits."
"Well, then, Lt. Williams, consider this a form of extended therapy for yourself as well as your sister."
(Neither Sam nor Steve has noticed that the others have left the room and neither of them cares. Steve has never been more scared in his entire life and he's urgently trying to get through to Sam. So many thoughts are crashing together in his mind in rapid succession at the moment as a lot of things that Sam has said and done in the past make much more sense now than they did just a few minutes ago. Emotionally, Steve feels like he is hanging on by a very thin thread and he still doesn't know if he's gotten through to Sam. She is trembling in his arms and he's never seen her so tired, so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained in all the time he's known her. It's killing him to see her this way and he doesn't know how to help her so he does the only thing he can think of; he asks for her forgiveness.)
"Sam, Sweetheart, I need to apologize for the way I treated you this afternoon. I should never, never have talked to you the way I did; like you were a suspect in an investigation. My only excuse is that I was scared to death that I was losing you, Baby, and I, well, I went a little crazy. You're my life, Sam, and I thought, mistakenly, may I add, that if I took a hard line approach with you, I could make you see reason. I could get you to tell me why you were so upset. I realize now that you couldn't tell me because you really didn't understand what was wrong yourself; not then, anyway. And you were wrong, you know; when you said you didn't deserve me and Emily. I don't deserve you. You're all that's good and right in my world, Sam. You've taught me the real meaning of family and you've brought more love into my life that I ever thought possible. From you, I've learned that I don't have to carry all my worries and burdens alone because I have you to help me. Let me help you now, Sweetheart; let me carry you for a while."
(Sam desperately wants to rid herself of the negative emotions that are churning through her and lose herself in the safety of her husband's strong arms, but she just can't quite let go. She's carried this particular burden around for so long that she doesn't know how to lay it down so she tries to take what comfort she can, even if it's only a brief respite from her torment, and relaxes in Steve's embrace.)
"Hold me, Steve, and never let me go."