iv

There are cop cars in Neil's driveway when Chris drops him off at his house. They wouldn't let him drive, not after what happened in the hallway. Todd's not looking forward to having to explain to his dad why his van is still in the student parking lot.

Knox and Chris had tried to be perky on the drive home, reassuring Todd that his worries weren't true. "He probably just means he's not coming back because he's going off to Harvard and stuff." Knox said turning around in the passenger seat to look at Todd with that therapist look he had learned from his mom. But even Knox and Chris can't pretend when they see the cop cars.

Todd catches a glimpse of Mr. Perry talking to an officer. Neil and his dad haven't always gotten along, not even when Neil was little, but Todd can't see that leading to him running away. None of it makes any sense. Neil is smart and popular. He's going to Harvard in the fall and despite what he said on the roof last night he's always been so excited about it any other time Todd has seen him talking about it.

Knox and Chris exchange glances in the front seat. "Are you sure you don't want to come to my house for while?" Chris asks.

Todd shakes his head and steps out of the car. "Thanks for the ride." He says quietly still looking over at the cop cars in the Perry's driveway.

"Okay, see you later Todd," Chris says quietly, the way you'd talk to an injured animal.

His mother is sitting in the living room when he opens the front door, which is unusual because she has her bookclub on Wednesday afternoons Or as Todd likes to think of it '50-Somethings-Pretend-to-Read-a-Book-with-a-Movie-Adaptation-and-Drink-Wine' Club.

"Mom?" Todd says because she's staring out one of their windows at the Perry's house, obviously snooping.

"Todd!" She says, startled, pulling away from the window and dropping the curtain she was holding, "What have I told you about sneaking up on me? Shouldn't you be at work?"

"It's Wednesday, I don't work on Wednesdays."

His mother gets up from her chair, "Oh yes, of course."

"Why are there cops at Neil's house?" He asks even though he knows the answer, but his mother might know things he doesn't. Everyone in their neighbourhood gossips. Especially his mother's friends.

"Well dear," She says in what Todd guesses is supposed to be a soothing tone, "Neil has gone missing."

It's worse somehow, hearing it from her. "Don't you have to wait 24 hours before you call in a missing person?"

"Not with a minor." His mother says, "Even if the police are fairly certain this is a runaway situation not a kidnapping." She lowers her voice, as if the Perry's will hear them.

"Oh." Todd says, he had figured as much, people don't leave notes before they're kidnapped after all.

"Don't worry, I'm sure this will all be over with sooner rather than later. Neil's not the kind of boy to go running off into the blue. What an embarrassment for his parents though, his poor mother, she'll only blame herself."

It's strange because Todd hadn't realized how much he had already started to blame Mr. and Mrs. Perry. It had to be their fault, at least to an extent. His mother was right, this wasn't like Neil at all. Neil's smart, popular, handsome, ambitious, driven, passionate. He's the complete package and people like that don't go running off into the blue for no reason, people like Todd maybe. Even Charlie or Cameron in a fit of dramatics, but not Neil. Never Neil Perry.

"Oh and Todd." His mother says, turning just as he's about to head upstairs, "The window in my craft room was open. Do you know anything about that?"

Todd blinks, "No I-I don't." He says making a break upstairs before she can ask him anything more about it. Her mention of the window makes Todd realize that he was probably the last person to see Neil, less than 12 hours ago. Todd's stomach twists into knots, he should probably tell the police...but what good would that do? It's not as if Neil told him his detailed plans and besides if he tells Neil will get in trouble for the whole cup incident. Not to mention how much shit Todd himself will be in for being out gallivanting in the middle of the night and helping him.

Still Todd can't ignore the fact that he was the last person to see Neil. Maybe, in a way, he should be flattered, the way Neil picked him not only to be his accomplice but his witness. He still feels guilty though, still a little sick and a little anxious because he can't get the idea out of his mind that he missed something last night. Something huge and important that would make Neil run away.

Todd Anderson, thank you for everything. He thinks suddenly, his heart flying up to his throat as he rolls the words over in his mind. Because his secret, his message might not have been what he thought at all. Because in all honesty his message sounded much more like a suicide note than a goodbye.

Todd can't think, he wants to get the idea out of his head, it was insane, it was delusional. But there is was. That Neil Perry doesn't just mean he wasn't come back to school or that he was never coming home, that he was never coming back period. That he killed himself. The idea, the horrible sick idea, has taken root in Todd's mind and he can't shake it loose. It was crazy, it made even less sense than Neil running away but Todd can't stop thinking about it.

So Todd does what he does when he can't think straight. He calls Meeks.

"Hello?"

"It's me."

"Oh, hey what's up?" Meeks says, Todd can tell from his tone of voice that he doesn't know yet, "I thought you were going to go over to Chris' with Knox. Or was the whole lovey dovey thing driving you insane too?"

"What?"

"I mean I get it, it's new they're happy but honestly Knox won't shut up. And the thing is, relationships are like cats. You think yours is all special and amazing when actually it's pretty normal and average."

"Uh, sure okay."

"Sorry, what were you calling about?"

Todd took a long breath and let it out slowly. "I need to tell you something but I need to do it in person." It's too important to do on the phone.

There's a long pause, "Like right now?"

"Are you busy? Cause you could just come after dinner or whatever."

"No, no, right now is great. Right now is perfect actually!" And he sounds happy, or maybe just relieved. "You said this was really important right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay good. I'll be there in fifteen." He hangs up.

"That was weird..." Todd mutters under his breath throwing his phone down on his bed into the sea of tangled blankets and sheets. He should work on homework or something but the idea of going into his bag and seeing the twin red cups nestled together makes him feel kind of ill. So instead he boots up his computer and logs onto facebook.

He scrolls down Neil's wall looking for any sign that Neil was going to do this; run away (his doesn't let himself think of the other option).

Neil Perry's relationship status changed from In a relationship to Single.

16 people like this

Todd always thinks it's strange that people like breakup statuses. Or maybe it's more a gesture of sympathy like, 'I feel your pain'. Either way Todd already knows his breakup wasn't a factor. He keeps scrolling.

Neil Perry

everyone break a leg tonight! last night of midsummer :(

5 people like this

Charlie Dalton: But Neil it's the middle of the spring

Neil Perry: you're a comedic genius dalton, real hilarious

Charlie Dalton: I try

Todd frowns, most of Neil's recent statuses have been about the play going from auditions right up until the shows. He keeps scrolling, not sure if he's hoping to find something that proves Neil was somehow angry and depressed, wanting to get out of their town. At least then it would make some sort of sense. That's the worst part he thinks, that it doesn't make any sense.

Neil Perry:

harvard acceptance came

27 people like this

Charlie Dalton: Dude, we're so going to be roommates!

Ginny Danbury: That's awesome Neil! Congrats, you must be so excited.

Neil Perry: well my dad is

Todd blinks at the screen. It's almost the same thing Neil had said to him last night. That he had worked so hard to get into Harvard to make his father happy. Todd, rather compulsively takes a screenshot of it, like he's playing junior detective or something.

His door opens and Meeks' head pops in. "Hey, sorry I'm late. My mother wasn't exactly happy that I was leaving." He chucks a small rectangular box at Todd, "Here. You want these?" It was a box of chocolates, and not just the kind you picked up at the gas station when you forgot someone's birthday. Like an actual fancy $40 box from the chocolate place in the mall.

"You don't want them?" Todd asks even though he's already opening the box and shoving an orange cream in his mouth.

"They're from Charlie Dalton so no." Todd chokes on his chocolate and it takes him a moment to clear his windpipe.

"He's buying you chocolate now? That's practically bribery, Meeks, Charlie is bribing you to go to prom with him? He must really want to win that bet."

"They're not bribe chocolates, they're apology chocolates. He came to my house to give them to me and said he was sorry that he upset me and then my mom invited him in and then you called so I said you had an emergency and got the hell outta there." He grabs one from the box, "These are pretty awesome though."

"Charlie Dalton was at your house?"

"He might still be, my mother was over the moon. God, if there's one thing I could do to make up for the disappointment of being gay in her eyes, it would be to date Charlie Dalton. But that's whatever, you said you needed to tell me something? Something secret?"

Todd sets the box of chocolates on the floor, so much for them being a metaphor for the randomness of life, these ones had a little guide under the lid. "You have to promise that you won't tell anyone. Not Knox or Gerard or anyone, okay?"

Meeks is looking at him strangely, and Todd doesn't blame him but this is important. "I promise." He says.

"The cup prank? It was me and Neil who did it, well he did it and I just helped." Meeks frowns, his forehead wrinkling, "I know, I know, just if you could hold all questions til the end. So Neil messaged me last night at like 1:00am and tells me to come down to my old bedroom and suddenly he's crawling in through the window. We took my car and then we climbed up the tree in the courtyard and there's a hatch in the roof that leads to the drama storage room and Neil's got all the cups – and no I don't know what yours meant because I know you're wondering – so we set them up and fill them with water. Then I drove him home and he snuck back into his house."

"Okaaaaaaay" Meeks says. "But why are you-"

"Neil's missing." Todd cuts him off, "He's just gone and the police think he's run away and I was the last person to see him, mostly likely anyways and I just, I'm getting worried that maybe he didn't just run away." He takes a deep breath, "I think maybe Neil killed himself."

Meeks has his eyes closed. He's sitting cross legged on the floor his back a straight line up the wall. "Okay, let me get this straight, Neil brings you along to do this prank that he'd obviously planned ahead of time and then he disappears but you think for some reason he's killed himself?"

"Pretty much."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why would Neil runaway? And why would he kill himself? What does Neil have to kill himself over?" Meeks winces, "That didn't come out right, I mean I don't know Neil that well but he's never seemed depressed, never seems to have family troubles or anything. It's not like we're best friends or anything, but why do you think Neil would have killed himself?"

Todd reaches into his backpack, "These, the top one was in my locker, Neil put it there for me to find, and only me. The other one was just in the hall with the others, but he capitalized my name. He didn't do that on anyone else's."

Meeks stares at the cups for awhile not saying anything. Finally he sighs, "So you're thinking you should go to the police, yeah? Because you were the last one to see him and you have the cups?"

Todd nods mutely, "I think that's not the greatest idea. I mean I don't think your suicide theory makes that much sense. Obviously Neil was upset enough to runaway but killing yourself is a huge step away from that. Nevermind the fact that you'll get in huge trouble, you might even get criminal charges for breaking and entering not to mention what the admin will do. I just don't think you can afford to mess up your future over this." Meeks sighs, "I know you're worried about Neil. But he's probably just gone off on another adventure, one last one before the end of school. He'll probably show up at prom or something."

Meeks checks his watch, "I should probably go actually. My mom's already mad at me for leaving, better to not be late for dinner." He stands, his knees cracking loudly. "You can keep the chocolates if you want."

Todd does, but he's not feeling particularly hungry anymore. He knows Meeks is right, talking to the police will probably only cause problems for him and not help Neil at all. But he can't help feeling guilty despite it. It doesn't help either that Neil is all his parents and Jeffery talk about during dinner. His father seems to think that Neil is being childish and selfish, his mother is, slightly gloatingly, going on about how this is going to reflect on the Perry's (she's always had a sort of rivalry going on with Mrs. Perry) and Jeffery seems to think the whole thing is stupid.

"They're making a big deal out of nothing. Neil probably just skipped school and is staying with a friend or something. Doesn't he have a girlfriend?" Todd doesn't answer him.

It's the same on facebook, which Todd obsessively refreshes between flashcards for philosophy. There are already a dozen messages on Neil's wall and a 'Find Neil Perry' group which he's invited to join. Finally he just can't take it anymore and he turns his computer off, lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. He should keep studying for philosophy but even that makes him think of Neil, the way his silhouette looked hunched over his desk taking a note. Or the reading glasses he wore as he flipped through Sophie's World. Todd can't help thinking that he's failed Neil somehow, that if only last night he had said the right thing or done the right thing Neil would be next door, curled up safely in his near-perfect life.

His intercom buzzes, "Todd, the window in my craft room is still open, would you mind closing it?" his mom asks.

Todd doesn't want to, he really doesn't want to stand in the room where everything started last night but he knows his father will get involved if he says no so he heaves himself out of bed and down his stairs. Out of habit he reaches up and slaps the door frame at the bottom. The way he and Neil used to do when they were kids, jumping from the second last step. The paint has actually worn away a little right in the middle of the door frame. It's a good thing actually that his mother never comes into his room. She would have repainted it long ago.

The window has let in a breeze which has ruffled some of his mother's papers. Pink and blue and green in various patterns littered at his feet like a bizarre pile of leaves. Todd collects them up and sets them on a shelf.

He reaches for the top of the window, trying to avoid looking at Neil's room and failing miserably. His shade has been pulled down and Todd can't tell if he's disappointed or relieved. It takes him a second actually to notice it, that there's something on the shade and he frowns, squinting to try and read it. He runs back upstairs to his room, rummaging around in his closet for his binoculars. When his dad had bought them for his birthday years and years ago Todd had been upset, taking them as an obvious hint that his father hoped he'd join scouts like Jeffery had. But now he had never been more thankful.

He dashes back down to the second floor, almost tripping over the last step. He has to adjust the binoculars a few times but there was clearly something there, something written on a piece of paper, something that could only have possibly been meant for Todd and Todd alone.

a day spent without the sight or sound of beauty, the contemplation of mystery, or the search of truth or perfection is a poverty-striken day; and a succession of these days is fatal to human life.

The blood rushing in Todd's ears has nothing to with having just run up and down a flight of stairs. Neil is sending him on one more adventure.