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Ginny looks completely shocked to see him when she opens the door. "Todd! Hi!" Her voice goes up and octave and she looks guilty for some reason. "Come in, hi, how are you?" She's changed out of her school clothes into sweat pants and she rubs her hands nervously on the sides of them.
"Are you okay?" Todd asks because even though Ginny's sort of quiet and shy at school he's never seen her this jittery.
"Fine!" She says brightly, "Uh, can you just excuse me for one second?" She takes off down the stairs leaving Todd standing awkwardly in the foyer. There's a sudden burst of sound from downstairs, the unmistakable bad music and moaning of porn and then Ginny's voice going "Shit! Shit!" before it cuts off.
She gives him a withering look as she walks back up the stairs, "No judgements. I had a fake gay boyfriend for 2 years, I'm allowed to masturbate to porn at my own house."
"Uh." Todd says.
"And this preconceived notion that girls don't like sex, or porn, or masturbating or whatever is stupid and sexist." She crosses her arms over her chest defiantly, like she's just waiting for Todd to say something.
"Uh." Todd says.
"Did you need something?"
"Oh, yeah right." Todd clear his throat, "Well there's this sort of thing."
Ginny raises an eyebrow. "A thing? Could you maybe be a bit more specific?
"Sorry. See I was in my old bedroom which has a window which faces Neil's room and there was something written on the shade and I looked it up and it's a quote from this Lewis Mumford guy, the one you did your project on and I thought maybe that Neil did it on purpose as a sort of like clue and I thought maybe you'd know more about it." Todd gasps out all in one breath, and maybe he should have figured out what he was going to say ahead of time.
"Wait, what?"
Todd sighs, yeah, he definitely should have figured this out before hand. "When Neil and I were kids he was really into scavenger hunts and he used to leave me these clues to follow and there's a quote by Lewis Mumford on his shade where only I would have seen it. I think Neil's leaving me a message or a path to find him or...I don't know, something. I just though maybe you'd know more about the quote?" He holds out a piece of paper he's written on.
"That son of a bitch," Ginny mutters, but fondly, "He left you a treasure map?"
"Sort of. Maybe. I mean it might mean nothing but-"
"Neil doesn't do things by accident, he plans, he schemes." She unfolds the paper and reads the quote, frowning slightly, "I don't recognize this but maybe it's in the book."
"The book?"
"Neil lent me one of his books, Technics and Civilizations, it's what we based our project around. I didn't really get it to be honest, like I got it, but I didn't get it. Neil was really into his stuff though. Come on, I'll get it for you." He follows her up the stairs and into her bedroom, which is well, not what Todd imagined a girls bedroom would look like at all. Though, in all fairness his idea of girl's bedroom's had mostly come from teen movies and episodes of Glee (because Knox made him watch it with him).
First of all it's...messy, but not dirty. There are are piles of things all over the floor which Ginny navigates around easily, "Sorry about the mess," She says shoving a pile of papers over with her foot, "Normally I only have people in the basement."
She's got an entire wall completely covered with drawings and pictures. Todd sees more than a dozen of her with Neil, laughing together during rehearsals or at school dances in front of poorly constructed lattice archways. The thing is, even though Todd knows now that their relationship wasn't exactly what he though there's no denying how much Neil obviously adored her. Adores he thinks, because Neil isn't gone, not really, not if he's leaving Todd a trail to find him.
"Here." Ginny says handing him a paperback book filled with neon flags. "There's a bunch of notes he's made in it, I didn't pick up on anything but..." She shrugs, "I mean he didn't leave the message for me obviously." She sounds hurt and Todd doesn't blame her, he knows what it's like to be second on the list of the person you put first.
"Thanks." He tucks the book under his arm protectively and Ginny shifts awkwardly, one foot balanced on top of the other.
"You could stay and hang out for a while, I mean if you want to." She says and Todd says yes surprising himself. His parents are out at some dinner party anyways.
Ginny makes popcorn on the stove and then douses it in dust which Todd thinks is supposed to vaguely taste like dill pickles underneath all the chemicals. "Do you wanna watch a movie or something?" Ginny asks licking green chemical dust off of her fingers, "Seeing as you interrupted my private viewing experience."
"I'm not watching some porno with you."
"Hey, I was watching the porn version of Les Mis, that's practically art." She throws a kernel at him, "Besides I'm pretty sure porn-watching is at a much later stage in our relationship anyways. Right after helping each other wax the downtown."
Todd chokes on a mouthful of popcorn and Ginny pounds him on the back as his coughs and his eyes run. They watch the first two episodes of Sherlock, even though they've both already seen them because they can't agree on anything else. Todd only half pays attention anyways, his eyes keep darting towards the book sitting between them on the couch, filling the void neither of them will talk about.
"I should go." Todd says as the credits end and Netflix's homepage reappears.
"Yeah." Ginny echoes. "Sure, okay."
"You going to school tomorrow?"
Ginny shrugs, her pale shoulders sharp, "I guess, most of the Juniors'll be there anyways. Besides it's not like I'm actually going to prom."
"Yeah. Okay well I'll see you tomorrow." Todd says. He shows himself out.
He purposely drives the longway home so he can drive by Neil's house. There are no cars in the driveway and Todd wonders if the Perry's went to the dinner party his parents are at. If they're pretending everything is fine, skirting around the edge of the hole that has been punched in their lives.
Jeffery's standing at the stove when Todd walks into the kitchen whistling to himself. "Hey sport." Jeffery says which is what their dad used to call him when they were kids. Todd didn't really like it then but it sounds nicer somehow coming from Jeff. "You want a grilled cheese?"
"Sure." Todd says setting his bag on the table. It's almost 8:00pm but it feels so much earlier with the evening sun streaming through the windows. "I actually haven't had grilled cheese in a long time."
"Me neither, not since like first year when I didn't know how to cook. Besides Miriam's lactose-intolerant and you cannot make a decent grilled cheese with soy cheese, believe me I have tried."
Though Todd has never even met Miriam she features prominently in the lore of Jeff's life as an Ivy League hot shot. Todd's mother antagonizes over it and brings her up at least once per conversation, though Jeffery has yet to really define the nature of their relationship. For all Todd knows they met when they tried to pick up the same girl at a bar and to be honest he's okay with that. He's spent so much of his life hearing about all the minute details of Jeffery's that he doesn't mind a little mystery.
"So," Jeffery says shoving a sandwich half into his mouth, "You seeing anyone? Any cute girls...or guys?"
"No." Todd says.
"Really, because you know you're my bro no matter what."
"Yeah, cause that's how genetics works."
Jeffery sighs, "I'm just trying to be supportive."
"I appreciate it, but honestly you sound like a bad afterschool special on acceptance. Besides, there really isn't anyone. Is there really no ketchup?" Todd says looking into the fridge.
"No, and don't change the subject. We're having a heartwarming bro to bro talk."
"I'd rather have ketchup to be honest." Todd says. His grilled cheese is slightly burnt and Jeffery's cut it in half rather than on the diagonal. "And no I'm not going to talk to mom and dad about it okay."
"Yeah, okay." Jeffery says, relenting and they eat in silence for a while. "Did you wanna watch a movie? I think James Bond is on."
"Nah, I have stuff I need to do."
"Isn't it prom tomorrow? It's not like anyone goes to school." Jeffery calls after him. Todd ignores him, setting his dishes in the sink with a clatter.
Todd tries to read. He really and truly does for almost an hour before shoving the book on his nightstand and booting up his laptop. It's not that the book is that hard to read, sure it's conceptual and Mumford obviously favours poetic metaphor, but it's deeper than that. Todd can feel himself straining to find Neil hidden behind every word. Tucked in between the typeset and the margins. But the harder he tries to find any whisper of him the less likely it seems that there's a message. Maybe it's like trying to remember the name of a song or a half-forgotten dream, so Todd puts the book down, hoping that the less he tries the more clear the answers will become.
Facebook is, predictably, all prom stuff and though he isn't sad that he's not going he is a little bit sad that he feels so separated from the people he's spent the last four years attending classes with. Many of whom he tolerates and a handful of whom he does genuinely like. Todd isn't naive, he doesn't think he'll go off to college and instantly have a million friends and everyone will suddenly care about the things he cares about. He's just never been the kind of guy to have a lot of friends and that's okay with him. Todd knows he's kind of hard to get along with anyways.
Ginny Danbury
Not going to prom, doesn't feel right without Neil.
Chris Noel: :( we'll miss you bb
Charlie Dalton: u coming to after prom?
Ginny Danbury: I dont think so
Charlie Dalton: boo you whore
So much for the 'stop thinking about it and the answer will appear' approach. Todd sighs through his nose and shuts his laptop. He should really studying seeing as his exams start on Monday but he can't bring himself to care. Instead he reads Lewis Mumford until his eyes blur and he falls asleep on top of his covers, still searching for Neil between every word. He dreams in typeset.
Todd goes to school the next morning, even though his classes are deserted and his teachers look annoyed that he's bothered to show up at all. He's halfway done Technics and Civilizations, which is both interesting and unbearably dry, when Ginny finds him in the library.
"How's it going?" Ginny says flopping down in a chair beside him, "You figured anything out yet?"
"No." Todd says not looking up from the page, even if he isn't fooling anyone into thinking he's still reading.
"It's pretty..." She waves her hand, "high concept, huh?"
"It's very Neil. The whole idea that our society produces things that are imperfect to serve the majority imperfectly. Sounds kind of like high school actually."
Ginny rolls her eyes, "You're doing it wrong."
"Huh?"
"You're trying to read it for him, reading it to find him. But Neil was reading it for you, to show you so stop trying to hard."
"Yeah but maybe what Neil thinks I would see isn't what I really will see so I have to figure out what he'd think I'd see."
"Remember that over-thinking thing I mentioned?" Ginny says wryly.
"I just need to figure it out. I need to find him." Todd says, a little darker and harsher than he'd intended to. "He picked me." He finally says, softer and he hates the way Ginny looks at him, like he's afraid for him, like she pities him. Todd hates it so much he just leaves, just picks up and goes home because he can't think with Ginny looking at him like that.
He slams the door behind him and Jeffery appears in the doorway of the laundry room, a basket of freshly folded clothing in his arms. "Hey why aren't you at school?"
"Why do you care?" Todd snapped throwing his school bag by the bannister and running up two flights of stairs as quickly as he could. He flopped down on his bed chest heaving slightly, both from physical and emotional exertion. Todd rolls over to grab Technics and Civilizations only to remember it's currently nestled in his bag at the bottom of the stairs. "Oh fuck it." Todd says to himself and decides this is a sign from the universe and let's himself fall asleep.
When he wakes up his mouth is gross and he feels all disoriented half falling out of bed because his limbs are no longer coordinated. Todd rubs his face and glances over at the clock, 4:34pm, he's slept for almost 4 hours. Jeffery's in the kitchen when he wanders in, yawning and rummaging through the cupboards. "You okay?" Jeff asks, sounding nervous.
"Yeah. Uh, sorry about earlier, exams." Todd offers as a feeble excuse pulling a carton of orange juice out of the fridge.
"I totally understand." Jeffery says, which isn't true and they both know it, but it's nice that he's pretending. "If you ever need anything I'm here for you."
"M'hmmm," Todd says around the rim of his glass. "Did the school call yet?"
"Yeah, I pretended to be dad and said you had a dermatologist appointment."
"And they believed you?"
Jeffery rolled his eyes, "Duh, no one would lie about having a dermatologist appointment because it sounds so stupid."
"Oh. Thanks."
"No problem. Oh yeah, and some girl called for you? Ginger?"
"Ginny. Okay, I'll call her back I guess." Todd says, grabbing his backpack this time on his way back upstairs. He doesn't know Ginny's number so he boots up his computer and logs into Facebook. There's a picture on his newsfeed of Knox having his nails done by Chris, smiling like an idiot. Todd vaguely remembers Knox mentioning something about manicures though at the time he had assumed it would have been Chris getting her nails done. Most of his newsfeed is about people getting ready for prom actually. He scrolls back up to the search bar and absentmindedly he types in Neil's name instead of Ginny's and doesn't realize until Neil's profile pops up on the screen.
Todd's about to scroll back up to type in Ginny's name when he notices something along the side of his profile. "No way." He mutters to himself reaching for Technics and Civilizations. It's there, a picture in the index two words circled under a photo of Lewis Mumford holding a small child.
He clicks over to Ginny's profile and plugs her number into his phone. "Ginny?" Todd says, "It's me. What can you tell me about Mumford & Sons?"