viii

Todd can think of only two things in the world he wants to do less than attend Charlie Dalton's after-prom party. One involves torture and the other public speaking and nudity. To say that he begs Ginny to let him stay in the car while she retrieves the cds Neil lent to Charlie really isn't an over-exaggeration in the least.

"Please?" Todd says, "I don't even know why you need me to be here anyways. It's not like me and Charlie are even friends. And do you even know he has the cds, maybe they're somewhere else."

"Yes I'm sure, Neil gave them to him last week at lunch. Said he didn't need them anymore, which was weird but I didn't really think anything of it at the time." Ginny says as they walk up the Dalton's ridiculously long driveway which leads up to their equally ridiculously large house. To say that the Dalton's are loaded is almost ridiculous in it's understatement. Not that you'd be able to tell from the way Charlie Dalton dresses, a style which Todd had literally heard him call 'hobo chic'.

The music's pounding from the house and Todd could hear the unmistakable cheers of a large group of half-drunk teenagers. He crosses his arms more snuggly over his chest, knowing he looks like he's sulking (which to be fair he is) and not caring very much. "I still don't see why I had to come." He mutters but Ginny ignores him.

They don't bother ringing the doorbell, since the door is open and no one would hear it anyways over the pounding music. "Okay, now we just have to find Charlie and get out of here as quickly as possible." Todd shouts over the music.

"I'm going to go find Chris!" Ginny shouts back.

"Wait, what-no! That's not the plan!" Todd shouts but Ginny has already disappeared into the crush of bodies.

He wanders into the kitchen, mostly just to get where it isn't so loud and bumps into Gerard who is making out with one of the tiniest girls Todd has ever seen. "Hey man!" Gerard says pulling away, fuchsia lipstick smeared all over his face. "What are you doing here!? We missed you at Prom, man!"

"Uh, I'm looking for Charlie?" Todd says, and it comes out as a question because he has never had anyone seem so genuinely excited to see him ever and it's a bit surprising.

Gerard frowns and looks down at the tiny girl, who is sitting on the marble island in an attempt to help her reach Gerard's face. "Have you seen Charlie?"

"I think he's in the basement." She says but doesn't elaborate any further because then they're making out again and Todd decides that as much as he isn't fond of Charlie almost anything would be better than watching this.

Todd checks his watch, it's only a little after midnight so most of the people he runs into are only moderately tipsy or making out sloppily. Or both. And while he's not a huge fan of the euphemism 'sucking face' it seems applicable in some cases. He wonders what Neil would be like, if he was here. Probably holed up somewhere with Ginny and his drama club friends drinking something more sophisticated than jello shooters and warm beer. But Neil isn't here, which is exactly why Todd has to find Charlie.

The party is mostly centred around the kitchen and the living room with couples split off into hallways with dozens of locked doors. There's also a large gathering of people hanging out around the swimming pool in the backyard, boys with their pants legs rolled up to stick their legs in the water and girls with their long dresses hiked up around their knees.

Todd's given up on looking for the basement at this point after rattling a few dozen door handles and finding them all locked. Now he's just trying to find Ginny again, which is starting to look like a much more difficult task than it originally seemed. Especially since the longer he stays the more drunk everyone around him gets. He's 90% sure he saw Cameron throwing up in the bushes earlier.

He catches sight of Knox sitting on the edge of the pool with Chris, whose head is pillowed on his shoulder. Ginny, of course, is no where to be seen. Todd debates for a second whether he should go over to them because there is a chance Chris has been with Ginny recently and might know where the hell she actually is. But on the other hand that would involve having to both deal with their inevitable excitement at him showing up at after-prom and having to break into their little couple-bubble.

Todd's slowly working up the courage to walk over to them when Ginny suddenly appears beside him with a red plastic cup filled with coke and probably at least one or two other things much less pg-13. "Hey." She says, "You want some?"

Todd takes the cup and sips. It tastes like lighter fluid. "That's disgusting." He says shoving it back into Ginny's hands. "I thought you were going to talk to Chris?"

"It's fine I can see her whenever, her and Knox are having their dream prom, it's like a fucking made for tv movie."

"Has anyone ever told you, you're kind of an angry drunk?"

Ginny shrugs, her shoulders sharp and bird-like. "Neil probably did at some point. Though he doesn't get to talk, at Melanie Scott's Halloween party he did 6 jell-o shooters and punched a wall."

Todd vaguely remembers that, it had been the gossip of the week a few years ago. Not so much because someone got drunk and punched a wall, which to be honest happened all the fucking time, but because it was Neil. He had actually fixed the wall himself if Todd's remembering correctly.

"Todd?" Ginny says, in such a way that Todd realizes she must have said it several times already. "Come on let's go find Charlie." Ginny grabs him by the wrist and it's surprisingly strong for someone who weighs about 120 pounds soaking wet.

"You sure you don't want to talk to Chris?" Todd asks, letting himself be pulled back through the french doors.

"I can talk to her later, there's going to be a whole recap. Possibly with a slideshow if she has enough time to put on together."

Letting Ginny guide him, Todd is pulled back through the labyrinthine hallways. Despite being at least a little intoxicated she's doing a much better job of it than Todd was. "Here." She says stopping in front of a closed door and digging around in her purse for a moment before pulling out a keychain with one key dangling from it. It clicks in the lock and Ginny grins pushing it open with her hip.

"Why do people keep giving you their keys? All you seem to do is abuse the privilege."

"Who said anything about Charlie giving me the key." She grins before disappearing down the stairs. Todd follows, his eyes taking a second to adjust to the darkness and he walks down the stupidly short flight of stairs. Like it's literally four steps.

He can still hear the music and the occasional shouts from the party but it's dampened a lot, like being underwater. Todd's eyes adjust and he sees that he's not in a basement as normal people think of a basement, or even like Ginny's basement. Really he's in an apartment, with a real kitchen not just a kitchenette, a living room and a few hallways branching off.

Todd whistles between his teeth. "Nice, huh?" Ginny says running her fingers over the back of the couch. "Though I do feel sort of bad for him."

"You feel bad for him because he lives in a kickass basement apartment?"

"I feel bad for him because his parents built him a basement apartment so they wouldn't have to spend as much time with him."

Todd rolls his eyes. He's heard this one a million times, not just about Charlie but about every third kid in his school. Everyone's got a rich-kid sob story. Even Todd if he thinks about it too much, which is something he avoids doing on principle. He also ignores the nagging in the back of his mind which reminds him that his parents wanted him to move into the attic and installed a PA system so they wouldn't have to talk to him so much. But so what. Todd doesn't care that much, really the less time he has to spend with his parents the better, you don't see him crying over it.

Ginny calls out, "Charlie!?" Not shouting, but loudly. Then pauses. "Huh. He's definitely down here, his jacket is by the door." She turns in a circle. "I'm going to check the bedroom." She heads off down one of the two hallways.

"What am I supposed to do?" Todd whines, he would like to say that he didn't but he knows that he did.

"You could help look, knowing Charlie it's just as likely he's in the bathroom fixing his hair or something."

Todd rolls his eyes and turns to walk down the other hallway. There are movie posters tacked up on the wall and he recognizes some of them from the classic movie nights Meeks has dragged him to on multiple occasions. He's never really been into it, movie aren't really his thing anyways. He'd rather read a book or watch television to be honest.

He knows he's kind of a dick about Charlie Dalton and that if he were a better person he'd man up and get over it because Neil had seen something in Charlie worth being friends with. It's entirely possible that maybe Todd would even like him if he gave Charlie any sort of chance because he did that with Ginny and Chris and he likes them. A lot actually. He sort of can't imagine not being friends with them now.

Todd is doing this, imagining, very generously that maybe, just maybe he should give Charlie a chance when he opens the first doorway in the hall. Maybe Todd's brain short-circuits a little as he opens the door and takes in the scene because he stands in the doorway for what feels like much to long, mouth ajar and hands clenched, one into a fist and one around the doorknob. Though in Todd's defence it's not everyday that he walks in on Steven Meeks and Charlie Dalton making out in an empty bathtub.

"The fuck!?" He hears himself say and Meeks pulls away from Charlie like he's been burned. Charlie's not so quick though and his hands are still clutching the lapels of Meeks' jacket as he stares at Todd dumbly.

"Oh. Hi." He says, at least having the decency to look embarrassed. "Can I, uh, help you?"

But Todd isn't looking at Charlie, he's glaring holes into Meeks head because last time he checked Meeks hated Charlie Dalton and normal people don't go around attempting to lick the tonsils of people they hate. Meeks however is doing a very good job of looking anywhere in the room but at Todd or Charlie and they're all frozen like that when Ginny stumbles upon them.

"Hey I found the-" She pauses. She looks at Charlie and Meeks in the bathtub, she looks at Todd, she looks back at Charlie and Meeks in the bathtub and then takes a step back putting her mostly in the hallway. "Uh, should I come back later?"

"Forget it. You got the cds, let's go." Todd says releasing his grip on the doorknob and shoving past Ginny back up the fucking ridiculous short flight of stairs. He makes his way out of the house mostly on anger and instinct and it's not until he's out in the front yard that he let's himself exhale properly.

"God fucking dammit!" Todd snaps, scaring someone passed out behind a shrub, realizing that Ginny is not, as he had expected, behind him. He can feel his breathing getting sharp again as he let's his anger build back up. He hasn't been this angry in a long time, years maybe. Not since Jeffery left for college for sure. And it's all Charlie Fucking Dalton's fault because he's a manipulative asshole who thinks that he can just take whatever he wants and doesn't care if he leaves other people in his wake.

"Todd!" Someone calls throwing the front door open and he's surprised because it's Meeks. "Hey are you okay? Sorry I know that was uh, awkward." He rubs the back of his neck.

"Awkward? No not at all." Todd says, all contained anger. "It was just a surprise really, seeing the one person who I thought had enough braincells to see through Charlie's fucking poor-little-rich boy act sticking his tongue down his throat."

Meeks blinks, looking genuinely shocked and hurt. "Todd it's not like-"

"Not like what? Oh, sorry did I misunderstand or were you not just practically dry humping in a bathtub? What did you meet in the centre of the dance floor and have a moment? Because I really don't fucking get it Meeks. So please, tell me what it's like." Somewhere in Todd's mind there's a screaming and a flashing red light telling him to just fucking stop but his thoughts are like a train surging down a hill and he's not sure he can.

"Why are you so angry? It's not like you even care ever since you started this little connect the dots clue game, I am allowed to have a life too you know!" Meeks snaps throwing his hands up.

"Sure. Fine. Whatever. Do whatever the hell you want but don't expect me to be here when Charlie's done playing his game with you. I know you're lonely but this is just pathetic."

And there it is. There's the line. Because Meeks' face goes so open, so shocked and so hurt for a split second before closing off completely, a vault slamming shut. He opens his mouth like he's going to say something before snapping it shut and turning on his heel, dress shoes snapping smartly on the pavement.

It takes Todd a second to notice Ginny standing off the side staring at him, arms clutched over her chest protectively. "Todd. I think you should leave." She says, so quietly he almost doesn't hear her over the pounding thump thump of music pouring out from the house.

"But what about the-"

Ginny holds out the cds for him to take and he grabs them, studying the way the lights from the house illuminate the right side of her face, the rest left in shadow. Todd almost apologizes, which is ridiculous because he hasn't done anything wrong, not really anyways. He shouldn't have lost his temper and yelled at Meeks but everything he said is true and justified. It is. "I think you should just go Todd."

"Don't you need a ride home?"

"I'll just call my mom and stay over. It's fine really."

"Are you sure."

"Todd, just go." Ginny says, irritation creeping into her voice. "I really hope you find what you're looking for. And I hope it's worth it." She turns and walks back into the house her shadow drifting behind her.

He doesn't even remember walking back to the car but he finds himself in the driver's seat. Todd sighs his head falling forward onto the rim of the steering wheel. Todd wants to cry, honestly cry, which he hasn't done since Jeffery's dog died when he was 11. Not because he buys into that whole 'men don't cry' crap but because keeping himself an arms distance from his feelings is easier. Because it stops him from having to feel like this. He wonders if that's how Neil felt, constantly feeling too much, caring too much, just being too much. And for the first time Todd can't really fault him for leaving.

It takes him a while to get his breathing slowed and his heart rate down enough that it doesn't feel like it's going to beat out of it's chest. It takes Todd a good while longer to feel like he'll be able to drive the anger having buzzed him more than a few gulps of whatever was in Ginny's cup. He thinks about sending Ginny a text, her number in his phone from when she had entered it, hours ago now. He's not sure what he wants to tell her, maybe that he's sorry, maybe to watch out for Meeks and make sure Charlie doesn't pull anything, to make sure Knox doesn't do anything too stupid. Todd stares at the glowing screen of his phone, finally sighing and putting it back in his pocket, a thousand possible messages that never make it into reality.

Once he gets off Charlie's street, which has a smattering of teenagers in formal wear hanging around under the streetlights, it's entirely vacant and Todd's more than surprised when he turns into his driveway and the porch light is still on. "Shit," He mutters under his breath, "Shit, shit, shit, buggery shit." His parents have never really cared much about curfew but of course this would be the one night they'd suddenly start caring about his whereabouts in the middle of the night.

It's not his dad standing on the porch though when he rolls up and stops the mini-van, it's Jeffery in a faded Yale t-shirt and plaid pyjama bottoms. Todd puts the van in park not caring that his dad will yell at him for leaving it in the driveway.

"Jeff?" He turns blinking blearily. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, uh." Jeffery shrugs and gestures at the ashtray and the lighter sitting on the window sill. "I was going to..."

"I thought you quit." Todd says.

"Yeah, me too. It's just something about being home. I guess you know. I had a fight with dad because I'm going back to Connecticut for an internship at the state house in a few weeks. It's just...I dunno, I work so hard all the time to make them happy. I mean, don't get me wrong I love politics, I would have gone into it even if they hadn't wanted it but..." He trails off and sighs. "You really got the worse end of the stick I don't even know what I'm complaining about really. God. Merriam'll be pissed, I really though I had finally quit." Jeff puts his head in his hands and Todd reaches out to touch him on the shoulder hesitantly.

"It's not your fault you know." Todd says.

"What isn't?" Jeffery asks, face still in his palms.

"The way mom and dad are." It's a sort of unspoken thing between them, how much their parents seem to adore Jeffery and ignore him. They both know it's there, it would be impossible to pretend that it wasn't, but they never talk about it. It just makes things awkward for both of them. "I just, it's not like I want to talk about it or anything because it's fine, really it's fine, but I don't blame you or whatever and I can't let you blame yourself because that's dumb."

"When did you get so smart?" Jeffery says swatting him affectionately.

"I'm really not." Todd rests his hand on his chin.

Jeffery pats him on the shoulder affectionately, knees cracking loudly as he stands. "Well you're smarter than I was at your age anyways. I'm going to hit the hay, you should probably do the same."

"Yeah." Todd says looking down at the cds in his hands before following Jeffery into the house. It's torture trying to fall asleep the things he yelled at Meeks replaying in his mind, the look Ginny gave him floating to the surface everytime he closes his eyes. Finally he turns his lamp on and tries to clear his mind while he stares at the rafters. Eventually he gives up, climbs out of bed, plugs his headphones into his laptop and drowns out his thoughts with Mumford and Sons.