BOY WHO LIVED'S AUNT ALIVE!
In a shocking twist in the story of our saviour, Harry Potter, it turns out that Petunia Evans-Dursley is still alive! Previously thought dead from a muggle automobile accident, Petunia has been living in the shadows of the muggle world since the death of her sister, the late Lily Evans-Potter.
Many thought that the unlikely pair were muggleborn witches, however our sources reveal that they are descended from squibs in the Black family six generations back. You know what this means, my dear readers, Harry Potter is the heir to the Black family, as dictated both by the will of the incarcerated, notorious Sirius Black, and the unknown decrees of the Black family as the Malfoy scion Draco is not eligible to inherit.
When asked for a statement on her retreat from the wizarding world, Ms Evans-Dursley replied to us with this letter:
"When my sister Lily, who gave her life so her son could live, went into hiding, I decided to as well. I knew that the Dark Lord You Know Who [edited] would want to hunt down the entire family. Rather than hide in a mixed village, I decided to rescind my status completely, and continued because of the risks - many regard You Know Who [edited] to be dead; this is true. However, there are his followers and those of higher authorities to consider, who do anything to get their hands on the 'Boy Who Lived'.
Furthermore, our esteemed head of the Wizengamot, representative of the International Confederation of Wizards and headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has plans for my nephew, Harry James Evans Potter. I know many will think this untrue, what is not known is that upon the early hours of November 1st, 1981, he left young Harry on the doorstep of my muggle home (it is not known how he tracked me down as of yet), in the freezing cold - informing me of the death of my sister in a letter! A letter! He didn't have that so-called Gryffindor courage he is known for to tell me to my face. In the letter he also ordered me not to tell Harry of magic, of his heritage, nor the circumstances of his parents death - I have not followed these orders. Harry has always known.
After the disintegration of my marriage, I decided to fake my death, so that it was 'known' that Harry was being raised by my ex-husband. As many would think, yes, even Albus Percival Wulfic Brian Dumbledore; Harry being raised by an 'ignorant muggle'. You all now realize this is not the truth."
When asked about her previous engagement to the then heir of the Prince family, Severus Snape, neither Ms Evans-Dursley or Mr Snape were available for comment.
It is not known dear readers whether it is true, did our much-loved Albus Dumbledore have plans in motion for our saviour, and why would he intend to keep his heritage and fame from the Boy Who Lived? These are questions I intend to ask.
-Rita Skeeter.
"Albus." Petunia greeted him as she saw him slip into the infirmary. She knew it'd be the first place he'd look for her, she'd been dodging him continually as he made his visits to Harry, up until she revealed her presence.
"Petunia, my child, this is wonderful news!" Albus replied in his usual grandfatherly tone, the always present twinkle in his eye brightened upon seeing her.
"Don't you ever get tired from the illusion you've glamoured to your eyes?" She smirked, not looking up as she stirred her tea. Lets see how you wriggle out of all these questions now, Albus.
"I have no idea what you mean, dear. Would you like-"
"No. I would not like a lemon drop laced with a calming draught. Now here's my question, are you going to move that blasted mirror before, or after Minister Fudge comes?" She interrupted him, sipping her tea whilst she watched him flounder and cast about for an answer.
"Whatever do you mean? I was not aware that the Minister was paying us a visit." He replied after a moment, taking a seat opposite her.
"Ah, well of course, after today's edition of the Daily Prophet there are questions that must of course be answered."She sat back, watching his façade slip briefly before his jovial smile returned. "Cornelius was very dismayed to hear that Harry was in the Hospital Wing, and as well as asking the questions pertinent to my 'death', he intends to open a full investigation as to what a dangerous artefact was doing in Hogwarts."
"I'm sure he'll be pleased with the results, as we all will." He commented, helping himself to a cup of tea. Petunia grimaced as she watched him use what was possibly the entirety bowl of sugar.
They sat in silence for several minutes, staring at each other until Albus conceded defeat, moving his eyes to stare at Harry's form on the bed, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest. He knew he'd have Petunia dogging him at every hurdle; there was a good chance she had upturned his plans completely already, with the way she'd probably raised Harry. Slytherin is as Slytherin does, and if that woman hasn't got five alternate plans up her sleeve, I'm a Hufflepuff.
Petunia looked up, immediately feeling the familiar pressure in her mind, and easily batted away Albus' silent probe for information. She smirked and looked back to her tea. "You forget I'm an Occlumens, is it your age, or your addiction to the calming draughts, dear boy?" Here eye's brightened slightly as she spied Severus lingering in the doorway, before quirking an eyebrow, beckoning him forward.
"Albus?" Severus questioned, taking the seat beside Petunia.
"Good evening to the both of you, I must be on my way." Albus parted, swiftly making his exit.
"How's the brat doing, Tuney?" Severus asked, decidedly not yelping at a moderate stinging hex to the back at his head. "Fine," he said grudgingly, "how's... Harry... doing?" The name was unfamiliar, it felt like poison on his tongue, however seeing the bright smile on Petunia's face made it a fair trade.
"He's doing well Severus, Poppy said he should be awake tomorrow. It's mostly magical exhaustion. Somehow the dark presence that was emitting malevolent magic, triggered accidental magic from Harry." She answered, placing her hand on top of her nephews.
"Surely not to the extent of such exhaustion?"
"It is. It isn't like when he was eight and apparated to the school roof in-"
"He apparated?" Severus quickly interrupted, the disbelieving look on his face was almost comical.
"He did, he was running from a gang bullies in school."
"The boy's powerful, I'll give him that." Severus acquiesced, knowing just what she would say if he didn't commend Harry on such a feat.
"Why, Severus, was that a compliment to the Potter brat?" She teased, watching his lips curl into a sneer.
"Yes, well..." He cleared his throat, suddenly feeling awkward. "So what was your little tête-à-tête about with the old goat, this time?"
"I was informing him of Fudge's pending investigation, he'd just finished using Legillimency as you came in." She replied.
Severus snorted. "I bet that ended well."