ix

Todd wakes up with the impression of a keyboard on his face and an entire text document filled with gibberish. He's listened to the two cds four or five times each, it got a bit fuzzy after that but so far he hadn't discovered any hidden messages in the lyrics. It all feels wrong. Not enough like Neil, despite the fact that Neil has used other people's words to talk to him this feels different. He'd trolled online message boards trying to find hidden meaning behind the songs but none of them had made any sense. Neil had made these clues for him, but what if Todd didn't know what Neil thought he knew. His stomach twisted up everytime he thought of this so he pushes it to the dark corner of his mind. The one reserved for Jodi Piccoult novels and crocs.

Todd sits up blinking, a puddle of drooling having formed overnight on the keyboard where his cheek had rested. It takes him a moment to realize what had woken him. His phone was ringing, playing a very tinny version of "I Knew You Were Trouble" that Knox had assigned to himself on Todd's phone. Though Todd still wasn't sure if he was being ironic or if he genuinely enjoyed the song.

"Hullo?"

"Shhhhhhh..." Knox says on the other side of the phone. "Quietly, quiet now." His voice a croak.

"On a scale of one to ten-"

"Twelve." Knox says cutting him off, "My hangover has a hangover."

"Well that must really suck for you."

"Tooooooddd," Knox whines, "Don't be a jerk. I can't drive home like this."

"And what does this have to do with me?"

"C'mon, please? I'll owe you one. A huge one."

The thought of having to go back to Charlie's house makes Todd's stomach turn unpleasantly but he knows he'll go. He's already on the outs with two of his three friends, he doesn't need all of them upset with him.

Knox is, thankfully waiting at the end of the driveway when Todd shows up, supported by an all-together too chipper looking Chris. "Hiya!" She says climbing into the backseat of the van, her hair valiantly attempting to say in it's elegant updo. "Thanks for coming to get us. I would have driven but Knox's car has a stick shift."

"How're you not hungover?" Todd asks.

Chris shrugs her shoulders, "You eat before you start drinking and then lots of water before you go to sleep. Works everytime."

Knox slurs something involving the words 'thanks' and 'pancakes' following Chris into the backseat. Todd doesn't like it, it makes him feel like a chauffer but he doesn't say anything about it, choosing instead to drive in silence to Chris' house. "Thanks again." She says hopping out of the van, her heels making a cute little clicking noise as they hit the driveway. She stands outside waving and blowing a kiss for Knox as they drive away.

"My girlfriend is the bestest." Knox half sighs, half slurs. "She drank me the under the table, I am so lucky."

"It really says something about the people I choose to associate with that you're not the weirdest." Todd says pulling into Knox's crazy driveway. When he pulls up to the house Knox's mom is outside wearing a ridiculously large sunhat and gardening while Knox's little sisters draw with chalk on the walkway leading to the house.

Todd gets out to help Knox who looks like he's about to hit the pavement if he's not supported. "Knox!" His sister shrieks coming over to hug him around the legs, fingers covered in chalk leaving marks on his dress pants.

"Hey Molly," Knox says gritting his teeth, "I've got a bit of a headache could you maybe try using your quiet voice."

"Oh." Molly says and then in an exaggerated stage whisper, "Hi Knox."

"Hi sweetheart," Dr. Overstreet says coming over to Knox, his other sister Clare planted on her hip. She's dressed in overalls and a big floppy sunhat. "Looks like you a had a little too much fun last night at your party. Did Christine get home okay?"

"Yeah, Todd dropped her off. And it's just Chris, mom."

"Yes of course." She reaches over and pats Todd on the arm, which surprises him, "Thank you for helping Knox get home, Todd. I really appreciate it."

"Yeah, no problem Dr. Overstreet." Todd says feeling his face flush.

"Knox told me you're headed off to Columbia next year, we're all so proud of you sweetheart." Dr. Overstreet smiles at him, she doesn't look that much like Knox, her hair is darker and wavy and she has a very oval face, but they have the same sort of smile. The kind that shows in their eyes long after it leaves their lips. "Do you boys want breakfast?"

"Pamcakes!" Clare says, clapping her chubby toddler hands together. "Pamcakes!" Molly joins in while Knox grimaces.

"I'm good, I think I'm just going to lie down for a bit." He attempts to walk toward the house with Molly wrapped around his legs like a human anchor.

"You'll have to go back to the Dalton's and pick up the car later so don't sleep all day!" Dr. Overstreet calls after him. "How about you Todd? Would you like some breakfast?"

"Uh-" A small part of him wants to say yes, to stay for a little while instead of going home and locking himself into his room, but he's already shaking his head, "No thanks. I appreciate the offer but I'd better get home."

"Alright. Well, you know you're always welcome here." She smiles at him, a little bit sadly, "Say bye bye to Todd, Clare."

"Bye!" Clare says one chubby little hand waving enthusiastically, the fingers of the other stuck in her mouth. Todd doesn't wave back.

On the drive back he fingers the radio dial hating the sound of silence, too much room for his thoughts about what happened last night. Everything he said to Meeks already settling like molten lead in the pit of his stomach. The radio blares on, the same station he had listened to with Neil that morning. The feeling in his stomach hardens and he jabs at the button cutting off the music but the feeling remains.

Back in his room morning sun shines in patterns through the leaves outside and onto the floor of the attic. It reminds Todd of the paper snowflakes he used to make as a kid, carefully cutting and folding. He's solved it, he's solved and and he's no where near closer to finding Neil and it's all his own fault.

The song, it had been one of the songs, not the lyrics as he had thought before but simply the name of the song; The Cave.

They had been nine and enrolled in golf lessons at the Country Club on Saturday mornings, neither Neil nor Todd were particularly adept at golf. Todd's father thought it was important for a young man to play golf, Neil's father knew that golf was the sport of successful men. So off they went every Saturday to Brooklea Golf & Country Club, spending most of their time pretending that they were searching for lost balls as an excuse to wander off and explore. That's how they had found it, off by the ninth hole mostly hidden by some shrubbery, The Old Indian Cave. Well, that's what Neil had called it anyways, whether any actual Indians had ever lived there was highly debatable but the name had stuck anyways. As far as caves went it wasn't particularly special but the fact that they had found it together, that it had been theirs was much more important than the physical cavern.

Todd wants to slap himself for taking so long to figure it out, the clue literally glaring him in the face. Though he also wants to slap himself a little bit because it's not particularly easy to go sneaking around on a golf course looking for clues in a secret cave and the one person who could get him out there isn't talking too him. Or at least Todd is going to go out on a limb and assume Meeks isn't talking to him.

He paces his room, the light changing from morning to afternoon, listening to the song a few times and googling the country club. There's an alternative solution of course, he could pay to go golfing, or he could try and go with his dad one day but there's the glaring flaws of those plans involving money he doesn't have and spending time with people he doesn't like. The ideas swirl around in his head but he keep coming to the same conclusion. He needed Meeks, Meeks was mad at him, he had to apologize, Todd didn't want to apologize. A equals B equals C equals D.

Todd flops down in his desk chair and stares moodily at facebook. He clicks over to Meeks' profile, luckily he hasn't changed his relationship status but there's at least a dozen photos from prom that he's been tagged in, and most of them seem to feature him and Charlie in various levels of physical contact. Todd rolls his eyes but he messages him anyways.

Todd Anderson: I know you're mad at me but I need your help, it's about Neil.

Todd Anderson: please?

Todd Anderson: Just call me or whatever.

He waits for ten minutes and nothing. Which isn't abnormal but he gets the distinct impression that he's being ignored. Though that's arguably just in his mind. Todd stands stretching, needing to get out of his room or maybe just to get out of his head. He wanders downstairs to the kitchen, his mother sitting at the table reading a cookbook, she doesn't cook but she loves to think about it, constantly planning menus and writing grocery lists for food that will never be cooked.

"Hello dear." She says not really looking up, Todd wonders if she thinks he's Jeffery. That's usually the only time she mistakes them, when she's not really looking. He riffles aimlessly through the cupboards before giving up and heading back to his room.

Meeks still hasn't replied.

It's not that Todd doesn't feel bad for what he said, because he knows it was sort of awful, it's just that Meeks of all people should know better. Besides even if it wasn't Charlie Dalton, even if Meeks had decided to make out in a bathtub with someone Todd didn't hate, it's not like it would be a good idea, getting involved with someone this close to graduation. Meeks was going to MIT, he was going places. Charlie Dalton would probably flunk out of whatever Ivy League school his daddy had bribed to take him, within a year.

Todd spends the rest of the day half-heartedly trying to read Moby Dick for his English final and refreshing facebook every five minutes. Knox posts a weird message on his wall after dinner that says:

Knox Overstreet: whoa idk why you so great you so angry wha?

Todd closes facebook after that.

Sunday passes slowly and painfully. Todd considers going to Brooklea anyway and trying to get to the cave but he doesn't want to go in broad daylight. He manages to slog through the rest of Moby Dick, Spoiler Warning: they don't catch the whale, and he even brainstorms some essay topic ideas. They're all terrible. Usually he'd do this sort of thing with Meeks but that's out of the question for obvious reasons.

Ginny sends him 3 text messages on Sunday. They read as follows

u apologized yet?

To SM I mean

or me too even

Todd drafts seven different replies. He sends none of them.

It's worse Monday morning. Todd picks up Knox like he always does and Knox is at least 16% more coherent than he was the last time he saw him. Which great for the clarity of his vocabulary and not so great when that clarity is turned on Todd.

"You said what to Meeks!?" Knox screeches. "Jesus Christ, Todd, what the hell!"

Knox had obviously already heard about what happened at after-prom through a variety of sources but he had demanded to hear Todd's side of things the second he got into the van. "That's really terrible. You need to apologize. Like right now."

Todd tightens his grip on the steering wheel. "I tried, he won't respond to my messages."

"Then try harder." Knox says, which pisses Todd off but he doesn't respond choosing to channel his energy into cursing at the BMW that cut him off.

"You don't even like Charlie! Do you honestly think Meeks should be dating Charlie?"

"This isn't Fiddler on the Roof, you don't get to pick who he ends up with. Meeks is smart. Like if we were a boyband he'd be the smart one."

"First of all," Todd says, "You've clearly never seen Fiddler on the Roof because none of the daughters get matched up they fall in love with people on there own. And secondly smart people can make mistakes too."

Knox sighs and looks at Todd like he feels bad for him. "What!?" Todd snaps.

"Are you sure what happened was about Meeks and Charlie and not you and Neil? I mean not to go all psychoanalytical on you but it sort of feels like you're projecting." Knox says, cautiously.

Todd turns too sharply into the student parking lot and they both jerk to the right. "How is that- that's not even the poin- you know what fuck this." Todd yanks the keys out of the ignition unbuckling himself and practically throwing himself out of the van before Knox can react.

Everyone's still bubbly and gossiping from prom and it's all the better for Todd to keep his head down. He considers skipping philosophy because Meeks and Charlie will be there but his exam is in two days so he can't really afford to miss the review/lecture Hagar has dreamed up. He sits so Charlie and Meeks are behind him and to the left but occasionally he can hear snippets of them talking, whispering over the lecture and Todd takes deep breaths and swears to himself he won't turn around.

In history class Chris comes up to his desk eyes big and doe-like. For a moment he thinks she's going to chew him out, since that seems to be a reoccuring theme in his life lately. But instead she puts her hand over his and says, "Todd, if you need anything I'm here for you okay. We're all just really worried and want to make sure you're okay." She pats his hand once before going off to sit with Knox the heels on her shoes hitting the tiled floors purposefully.

For a brief terrifying moment Todd thinks he might cry, like not in a sobbing break down sort of way, more in a Leonardo DiCaprio one-single-tear-of-manly-emotion kind of way. Cameron however chooses that moment to lean way too far into Todd's personal space effectively ruining the moment.

"You hear about Meeks and Dalton?" Cameron says, attempting to whisper and failing.

Todd just rolls his eyes, "Heard you throwing up in a bush at after-prom."

Cameron's eyes widen and then narrow. "Fine, whatever." He snaps.

Todd wonders how long and how hard he would have to bang his head on the desk to knock himself unconscious. He just needs to get Meeks alone and apologize and get everyone off his case and find the next clue and find Neil and just fix things.

When the bell rings Todd's up and out of the room before his teacher has even finished wishing them good luck studying. He swings by the bio lab hoping to find Meeks and instead runs smack dab into Charlie Dalton who is leaning up against a locker wearing salmon coloured corduroys, a cardigan that looks at least 4 sizes too big, a t-shirt that says 'though I be but little, I am fierce' and a navy blue beret. Honestly it's all a bit tame for Charlie.

"Look, I know you probably want to talk to Steven and you totally should," He says taking a step towards Todd hands out in the universal sign for 'I don't want any trouble'.

"Oh dear god." Todd says.

"-But before you do let me explain to you a thing."