So, I am still alive ;) Nobody tried to kill me, thankfully. Thanks again for the reviews. They keep me writing. :)
A heartfelt THANK YOU goes to Josie, who was my Alicia in this chapter and cheered me on from the sidelines :)
And another big thanks to Steffi for introducing me to the song that will end the chapter. :)
I do not own the song "Hurt Lovers" from Blue and I don't own the characters of The Good Wife.
I just borrow them for fun ;)
This is dedicated to my A/P family; you know who you are :)
Peter sensed that Alicia mentally braced herself for what he was about to tell her. He could see the apprehension in her eyes and knew she feared the worst.
"There is one thing I still haven't told you. And I know I have to come clean about everything, even if it means I have to admit another lie." he paused, watching Alicia who had leaned further away from him, her arms crossed in front of her chest.
Peter sighed deeply before he continued.
"What I have to tell you will certainly hurt you again and I might regret doing it, but you are right; I need to be honest with you, if I don't want to give up hope you'll someday be able to trust me again." he saw Alicia give the tiniest nod to what he said.
He could still see the worry in her face but took her nodding as agreement to his words.
"Before I go on, can I ask you something?" he observed her closely hoping she would agree to what he needed her approval for. He saw a shimmer of doubt in her eyes before she nodded her head again.
"I need you to believe me that what I am about to tell you is the last secret I kept from you, the final lie I told you. Do you think you can do that?" he studied her with anticipation, clearly seeing that she fought a battle with herself. It seemed like an eternity to Peter until she finally answered.
"I think I can do that, Peter." Alicia answered in a fragile voice.
"Ok..." Peter cleared his throat. He knew he had to do this, come clean about everything. He should have done this years ago. Along with telling her about Kalinda. But he had been too much of a coward. The thought crossed his mind that his relationship with Alicia could be totally different now, if he had brought himself to tell her the day she had told him in order to forgive him she needed to know everything she was forgiving him for. Back then, he had been too afraid she might come back to visit him in jail with the divorce papers drawn up. He realized he was still in danger of receiving those after he told Alicia what he had kept hidden from her. He bit his lower lip, exhaled deeply before he started talking.
"I can't think of a way to tell you this gently, if I could I would have told you long ago. So, I will just say it." he paused, looking at Alicia, who was no longer watching him, but had her gaze at the duvet, tracing the patterns with her index finger.
"I had Amber over to the house once...her and another prostitute. I had sex with both of them." he sighed deeply, somehow glad it was out and he finally got it off his chest.
Alicia's head jerked upwards again, just staring at him with an emptiness in her eyes.
"Did you...in this bed?" she leapt from the bed, retreating to the far corner of the bedroom, falling into the armchair that stood there.
"No!" Peter also stood up from the bed, following her and crouched down next to the armchair.
"It happened in the Jacuzzi...I would've never brought her to our bed." he insisted and reached for her hand but she withdrew it as soon as he touched her.
"Alicia, please..." before he could continue he felt her right hand slap him hard on the face and if he hadn't held on to the armrest he would have lost his balance and fallen to he floor. He steadied himself and looked at Alicia. Tears were streaming from her eyes again.
"I know, I should have confessed this ages ago, but I was too much of a cowardly bastard to tell you. So, I deserved that slap, just like I deserved that one back then. But now you know it all, Alicia. No more secrets, no more lies. I promise." again he reached out to hold her hand but she detracted it once more from his grasp.
He got up from his cowering position, sighing deeply walking back to the bed where he sat down again on the edge. He watched her, not sure what to do. He wished she would say something. He'd even prefer it if she started shouting at him than continuing with this deafening silence.
She sat crouched on the armchair, her legs pulled up against her chest, watching him walk away and sitting down on the bed through her tear clouded eyes.
She didn't know why she felt so hurt. Deep down she had always suspected that there still was something she did not know yet. And this had been the reason she wasn't able to trust him again. Strangely enough she knew that this really was the last piece of the puzzle, the missing information he had lied about. She watched him watch her and underneath the sadness she detected in his eyes she could see a glimpse of relief, like a weight had been lifted from him now that he had finally told her.
She took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in her throat, trying to get her tears to stop. She realized it was not the fact he had slept with someone else beside Amber and Kalinda but that he had kept it that long from her.
"Why did you tell me now?" she whispered and when he didn't react immediately she thought he hadn't heard her and was just about to repeat her words when she saw him tilt his head towards her.
"I don't think we can go on without being totally honest with each other and as you came forward about your affair with Will...I felt like I owed it to you to finally tell you everything." his gaze was at her face and she suddenly felt the need to look away.
"I know it would've been easier to lie again, but I can't do that anymore. You really scared me earlier by telling me you would want to divorce me, if I didn't tell you the truth. And I really hope that you believe me when I say that I do not want to lose you! The months after you kicked me out were the hardest of my life, Alicia. Even harder than being in jail. And though I know I still do not have you back, certainly not the way I would want to, I can't lose you again." she looked up at him again and was astonished when she saw tears forming in his eyes. She sat up in the chair attempting to say something but stopped when Peter slightly shook his head.
"Please, let me finish." the first tear escaped in the corner of his eye and Alicia felt the strong urge to go over to him and just hug him, but she stayed where she was due to his request. His words had more impact on her than she cared to admit. She knew he felt that way about her and she had been grateful he had not pressured her for a decision since they started to sleep with each other again. That was one aspect she felt he had changed so much during the last years. He seemed to accept that wherever their relationship was going was her choice. If she only could make one.
She enjoyed spending time with Peter and it felt more comfortable than she had ever thought it would ever again. If she was honest with herself there were moments when she totally forgot that they were separated and those moments had increased over the last months. She wondered if it was time to just listen to her feelings and stop to decide everything with her head.
"I know you will probably not want to hear this, but I kept quiet for too long now, Alicia." Peter's softly spoken words tore her out of her musings.
"As much as I enjoy our new-found closeness.." he chuckled bitterly before continuing "...I will not be able to go on like this, just these stolen moments. I thought I could, telling myself I'd rather have a little bit of you than nothing at all. But I just realized that I can't. It might sound selfish, but I won't, at least not without some sort of commitment from you, that we will try. I know I just said that I can't lose you again and I'd prefer not to. But if you tell me that sex is all you'll ever be able to give me again then I can't stay in this. I need a little something, Alicia, that tells me you haven't given up on me and us and there is still hope that one day you will truly be my wife again in every meaning of that word."
This time she didn't hesitate and went over to the bed sitting down next to him.
"I think you are right, Peter." she reached for his hand and gave it a soft squeeze.
"We can not go on this way. It is not fair to you. I realized this now." Peter pulled his hand away from hers.
"I appreciate that you try to find a polite way to tell me you can't even think about what I just asked you. But it's ok, Alicia. I get it. No need to sugarcoat it." he got up from the bed and walked a few steps towards the door.
"Would you please let me finish Peter!" she called out gently. Alicia also stood and went after him, only stopping to stand directly behind him. Peter turned and they stood facing each other, both strangely aware of the sudden closeness. Peter sighed deeply and closed his eyes while nodding slightly, silently telling her to go on.
Alicia cleared her throat before she started to talk again, suddenly feeling rather nervous.
"I don't want to go on like this. But as I said my fear keeps me from trusting you completely again." she looked up at Peter who still had his eyes closed, frozen to his spot.
"But I will not let my life be controlled by this fear any longer. It keeps me from being happy again and I've been happy with you during the last months." a small smile appeared on her lips and Peter choose exactly this moment to open his eyes. Alicia saw a glimpse of hope, before the doubt clouded them again.
"I want to trust you again and get rid of that fear, Peter. You have no idea how often this fear pulled me from your arms while my heart told me to stay. And I want to start to trust my heart more and stay right here." she put her arms around Peter and closed the little distance that still kept them from each other. Alicia felt Peters arms closing in around her, hesitantly at first, but when he realized she would not break off the embrace he pulled her even closer, letting out a sigh of relief. They just stood like this for a small eternity, before Alicia slowly leaned back in his embrace to look at his face.
"I still have to tell you something, though." she flashed him a small, reassuring smile when she saw his eyes darken with doubt again.
"You said it is truth time and I know we still have a lot of talking ahead of us to make us work again, but I need to tell you this now." she loosened her arms around him, but took both of his hands in hers, interlacing their fingers and never breaking eye contact with Peter.
"It's something about my affair with Will..." she started after a light nod from Peter told her it was ok to go on. "...and looking back at it I am not proud of it." she lowered her gaze to Peters chest while she continued.
"I did what I was always afraid you had done with Amber and what I suspected you of again earlier." she turned her head towards the bed, Peter following her gaze.
"Ok, Alicia, I get it. It's ok." he released his right hand from hers, softly touching her cheek to turn her face towards him again. Once more he saw tears form in her eyes.
"But don't you think that makes me a hypocrite?" she still wasn't looking at him.
"No, Alicia. Again, I will not judge what you did after we separated and I will never compare it to my unfaithfulness." he wiped away one tear that escaped from the corner of her eye. Alicia finally locked eyes with him again, her face lighting up in a small smile.
"We both did things that we regret and that hurt the other one. Let's try not to do it again, ok?" Peter smiled back at her.
Alicia nodded and put her head on his shoulder, letting her arms slide around him for another embrace.
They both knew what lay ahead of them would not be easy but they would face it together.
When the words that you wanted to say
Are all coming out wrong
When you burst into tears
Though you're trying so hard to be strong
We're standing in
the line of fire
Tryin' to make two wrongs a right
Hurt Lovers, hurt-hurt Lovers, oh
Don't give up, don't-don't give up, no
Take cover
You can't just let it go
We gotta try
Whatever comes
It's not the end
We gotta fight
And take a stand
I decided to end this chapter with lyrics from the song "Hurt Lovers" from the band Blue, because this is my A/P song at the moment and it spans a perfect bridge to my next chapter :)
A link to the video on YT can be found on my profile page.
Please review :)