"I was so angry." It's almost a sob.
My mother envelopes me in a tight hug and all I hear is her soft voice- reassuring me; holding me. She rubs her hand on my shoulder, careful not to stray too far down my back. She's seen my reactions. She knows how to handle me. I stand transfixed; numb. I am broken, and not only broken, but aching. My world is falling through my fingers at an increasingly slow; painstakingly horrifying rate. Ana had dipped in and out of consciousness all night. She has yet to fully open her eyes or eat. She hasn't used the restroom or moved around. I try to trust the doctors but it is hard for me to trust anyone but myself. I can't imagine how a life like this could be good for our child. The staff assures me that both her and Blip are fine.
"I'm going to grab you some coffee, Christian-"
"-No, Mom. Stay." My words are out of my mouth before I realize, and as my mother pulls away, I see her soft smile.
"Are you ready to be a father?" Her words change pace quicker than I can overcome my moment of vulnerability.
It isn't so much of one moment, though, anymore…It has been every moment; every second since she was knocked unconscious. My fingertips can still feel the escaping heat of her body on them as I reached out to touch her on the ground. She had been so cold against the ground- cold from being so exposed and fragile. My world had fallen of its axis in that moment. It has yet to right itself.
"No." My response is honest.
Honest as it is, though, it is frightening. I'm not ready to be a father. I don't know how to be a daddy. I'm a Dominant. I'm a lover.
I've thought about Blip a lot over the past hours. I have worried for him or her and I have feared for their life. I haven't really given the parenting thing a thought, though.
"You learn," she responds with ease and assurance. "You will get there."
"You sound so sure," I smile wryly, taking my seat beside Ana's bed once more. "I'm a double-edge sword, Mom. There are two incredibly different sides of me. I am a weapon against this child; a danger."
"You're no danger, Christian."
"How do you know?" My tone is clipped.
I grasp Ana's hand to divert myself from the defensive anger bubbling in my chest.
"Because I am a mother, and one day you will know what to tell your child because-"
"-I'll be a father," I whispered. "I know."
"I've hated your intensity for so long, Christian, but this vulnerability doesn't agree with you."
It's her attempt at a joke. I appease her with a laugh.
"It isn't my thing, no," I agree. "I can't turn it off, though. It's oddly…painful."
My admission of such inner turmoil comes as a shock to me. My feelings are out in the open. It has never been this way.
"Why were you angry with her?"
I tense, gripping the railing of Ana's bed as I mull over that night. I had yelled and called her stupid; I had walked out on her. The same fear that I had always had with her- the walking out- is something I had never thought I would do myself. I hadn't been prepared for my body to turn to the door; to really leave her. How did I bear such a burden that night? My heart had been throbbing, but it hadn't stopped me. The pain had been evident, but the pain of uncertainty and no control had gripped my heart even tighter- I had needed to get away. I couldn't be a father.
Part of me had thought that running away would have made it less real, taken it away, even. The reality had still been there, though. The truth was terribly evident: I had a pregnant wife waiting for me at home. Heavy with alcohol and contended with my decision to cut Elena from my life for good, I had gone home to her. I had headed home and stumbled in, reeking of booze and completely tussled emotionally and physically. I must have looked a mess, but she had undressed me and put me to bed. She played mother, for a moment, and I relished in the feeling of being taken care of. One day she would care for our child the same.
I smiled softly.
"Smiling?" My mother's voice brought me back to reality.
I waved her away with a quick hand motion.
"Nothing, Mom. It's nothing. I'm viewing that cup of coffee as a fantastic idea now." I spoke pointedly, watching her in expectation.
She laughed and nodded, rubbing her palm across the side of my face. I grasped her hand in my own and pressed my lips to the side of her thumb.
"I have it covered, son."
"Thank you."
When she left, I was alone to my thoughts once more. I hesitated, but decided to sit on the edge of Ana's bed. Gently, and making sure I didn't crush her legs, I sat beside her and ran my hand along her thigh.
"I miss you in every way possible, Mrs. Grey."
A dark gleam cast over my eyes as I stared at her. The deep desire that surged for this woman in the lowest parts of my insides drove me mad. How could one person elicit so much emotion in one being? Lust burst forth inside of me, clenching my heart in a thick warmth and need. I couldn't have her. I couldn't have her and it was killing me. Standing, I leaned over her, holding my tie back with a flat hand against my chest. Stooping down, I settled for a chaste kiss to her forehead.
"You have made me insatiable, Mrs. Grey." I murmured, brushing my lips against her own.
I grinned at their warmth and stepped back to stop these feelings from overtaking me. Bed rest. The doctor's orders had been strict, and I needed to follow procedure. I needed her safe and well.
For once, I would be the one to obey.