JMJ

(5)

Hidden life

Inside the shell

Will it come out in spring?

The baby was due in a couple of months. At the moment, that future baby was all that Kojiro had on his mind. A tiny, pink new life made with the combination of his blood and Musashi's, the thought swam dizzily in Kojiro's head. Musashi and he had spent many a happy afternoon planning everything. They poured over names upon names of the most exotic and wonderful. Clothes and toys they set (they were sure she would be a girl) in pink and light purple. Musashi and Kojiro would just sit and think about the baby before a quiet fire in the most romantic and dreamy setting, both future parents with a hand over the womb where the baby became more and more active with anticipation to come out of the warm darkness to see the world beyond!

Sometimes also, Kojiro's thoughts proved ill at ease too, but not because he did not want the child. He feared in a way that he may not be worthy to care for that new life under his charge.

What if he would make a terrible father?

What if he and Musashi had a relapse and returned to Team Rocket, leaving the baby to grow up with Rocketers as parents and eventually becoming one too?

A shudder ran through him and he squeezed his eyes shut as he spun away from the window he had been looking out.

Kojiro stood in the house of Uncle Akio. Last Christmas and the year before he had convinced his parents to invite him and his family to their Christmas party and now for the first time in many years Jiro-san did not host a party but accepted his brother's invitation at his son's insistence to go to a Christmas party at his house.

Although smaller that the Niwa mansion and estate, this house felt more solid, and more beautiful than the monstrous structure Kojiro had grown up in. The traditional beams of woodwork, the Japanese styled garden in the back, the western-styled medieval chapel to the east — it all felt more peaceful and somehow more home to Kojiro than his parents' estate.

Now as he opened his eyes to the wall before him, his eyes fell on a painting which struck him. All worry about the child vanished as he stared at it. Something stirred in his memory like a dream, yet he knew it was not a dream however much the events bursting into his mind now felt like something that could not have been real.

He knew better.

Touching his arm with an involuntary wince even though the wound did not hurt anymore, he knew that the scar remained under his aristocratic, merino wool sweater. With a slight shudder he recalled that surreal nightmare of a night when he stood all alone in the wood with dozens of little creatures surrounding him, mocking him and waiting for him to go crazy. He swung his wooden katana blindly but got lucky and hit a couple. That's when they really got going, and one decided to bite him with all the strength its jaws possessed.

But the picture itself, which hung on the wall before him did not fill him with dread although it brought thoughts of everything that happened while he, Nyaasu, and Musashi were trapped in that other world. He remembered now something he had nearly forgotten, especially in light of the near future. The woman in the painting reminded him of a dream he had there. Or maybe it had not been a dream at all. Kojiro could not be sure anymore. He had been locked in that monster's tower and all hope had almost been lost for him. He would have relinquished his soul to those creatures, and he would have been the Kaiser they dreamed of this very day, but for one thing …

"You know what you have to do, don't you?" she said.

"I have to escape," he answered …

"Kojiro-kun?"

Waking from his thoughts, Kojiro spun around and saw one of his cousins behind him. She was younger than him by two years and on the few occasions he had visited his uncle as a child, she was the one who wanted to play with the quiet, little boy the most, since her sisters had been too old to want to and her boy cousins on her mother's side had been mostly very loud, rowdy boys that Kojiro did not understood at the time.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. Her name was Aya.

"I was just thinking," said Kojiro, glancing back at the painting.

"Yes?" asked Aya.

"Who painted this picture here?" Kojiro said, pointing even though her eyes had already followed his gaze.

Aya smiled. "Oh," she said, drawing into the room and near his side. "That painting's a Niwa family heirloom. It was commissioned by Aisling before she died."

"Is that her?" Kojiro cried suddenly quite alarmed.

Aya laughed. "Don't be silly. Why would she commission a painting of herself? No! It's from her country. She wanted a bit of home. Ryota had it hanging in the dining room at the Niwa Estate after Aisling died, and it was hanging in one of the parlors before Jiro-san let my father take it along with a few other things he did not mind him taking when he left the estate to make our home here."

"But who is she then?" asked Kojiro. "The girl in the painting? I feel like, uh … well, that I've seen her before. Is that … silly?"

Aya then grew very grave, and studying him a moment, she said, "No. I don't think it's silly at all."

"Then who is she? Aisling's mother?"

Looking thoughtful a moment, Aya then motioned Kojiro to the window. Kojiro followed though with hesitance as he wondered what his cousin could want to show him out the window. Following her finger, he looked out at the eccentrically decorated trees and yard. Uncle Akio and his family certainly outdid themselves as far as decorating, but as his eyes followed the lights, ribbons, silver and gold trimmings, and solid outdoor bulbs, they rested on a nativity scene. Kojiro had thought it had mostly been put out as a Western fashion statement of sorts like many other people that threw about random Western things. Hey, his parents celebrated the whole of Christmas for that very reason — that and it was Niwa family tradition to hold a Christmas party for all the aristocratic elite. Now as he turned to Aya, he knew it was put out there more religiously than he ever could have guessed.

With a nod from Aya, Kojiro turned again. Since there was only one woman in the little family of statues under the tree, she could only be who Aya meant even though that plastic, bland figure could not compare in the least with the woman in the painting.

His eyes fell upon the baby a moment.

The Baby for which this holiday was originally celebrated.

That little family had one night been far colder and forsaken by the world than Kojiro and his family would be when his child was born.

Once more Kojiro withdrew from the window, and he looked very gravely at his cousin who gave a strange smile in return. For a fleeting moment he thought that perhaps his cousin was insane, but when he thought of the strange rescue he had had, for it was more of a rescue than a mere dream, and of the painting now hanging in his uncle's house, he had to wonder.

Kojiro wondered if the woman in the painting who had rescued him, if it had been she who had rescued him, had meant for him to have this moment here at Uncle Akio's house. If she had, what did it mean for him?

#

"N—n—nanda!" squeaked Kojiro. "But, but—"

"I'm serious, Kojiro," said his father. "Especially after what happened. You know that after we're gone, it'll be your duty to take care of the estate. Your mother and I were already discussing it with you before this. You should not act surprised."

"I know but …" Kojiro began but it ended in a sigh, and he closed his eyes in defeat.

His family and he had come when Kojiro learned that his mother had been gravely ill. She had been hospitalized in the city for almost a week. She was returning now home safe and for the most part well, but the truth of mortality had fallen upon all involved, and Kojiro knew that neither his mother nor father were as young as they used to be. At first he wanted to say that he would promise he would take over the estate once his parents were gone, but he could not bring himself to say it. He did not want to live at the estate, but his parents had been talking to him about it since he had moved out to that little place a few miles from the estate the first time before it burned down. They wanted him here. They wanted him to take over the estate now. He knew it. It made his heart ache, but he knew that he had run from his duty long enough.

He nodded gravely and lowered his head.

Unlike his uncle he had not legally given up his title to his brother. He was powerless in this regard, and as Jiro's only son, although he did have just as much a choice as his uncle, he knew that he could not dishonor his parents. After all, his parents had not disowned him like his grandfather had done to his uncle. Besides his uncle only had girls. That made Kojiro the only male heir at the moment anyway, and as the legality of the estate was specifically to stay within the surname of Niwa unless one of his cousins' husbands wanted to change their name or some of his half cousins started getting involved, what else could Kojiro do? If that was not enough, Uncle Akio already said that he would love to see Kojiro take over the estate too. So the original heir, though legal heir no longer wanted him to take over too. He was stuck.

"Hai, Chichi, I'll take the Niwa Estate."

A smile grew on Jiro's face, and it surprised Kojiro until it sank in how deeply his mother and father had longed for him to live here. It sent a feeling of guilt through him, but he brushed it aside. He knew his reasons for choosing not to live at the estate made his decision almost necessary in the younger stages of his family. He simply wanted a life more satisfying for his family. Away from the stuffiness of tutors, aristocracy, and extreme manners and rules and family hierarchy.

Come on! Your family's strong now, he told himself. Maybe it is time to go back.

#

Stalking through the grass the little hunter watched his prey. He saw him approaching. His prey was on the lookout, and the hunter knew he looked out for him. A smile grew upon the hunter's face as he readied himself for his attack. Then just as the prey's head was near enough to his hidden rock he leapt out.

"Yah!" cried Kojiro as the hunter leapt onto his back.

Losing his balance Kojiro fell to the ground with the little one still clinging to his back. As he lifted himself he looked behind him though he knew who had caught him, and he could not help but smile despite the suddenness of it and the fact he was on the ground.

"Gotchya," said Mitzu with a laugh.

"Alright, now!" said Kojiro in a mock graveness. "What's the big idea attacking innocent people minding their own business? Huh?"

Mitzu laughed again and grabbed him around his neck.

"C'mon, 'Toochan, I gotchya! Carry me!"

"Oh, no you don't," said Kojiro standing up now.

Reaching behind him with a wild grin, he snatched the little rascal and tickled him as he set him on the ground.

"Iya! Iya!" screamed the boy as he laughed, and then he began to tickle Kojiro.

Kojiro gasped. "No! Wait! Yamero! Uncle! I give!"

But it was no use. He had tickled Mitzu now Mitzu would tickle him good, but he did not laugh for long as Kojiro snatched up the boy again and carried him at his side in a way so that he was half way upside-down, his wild black blue hair became a dandelion spray cast to one side as he continued to laugh, loving the fatherly rough housing. He forgot instantly about tickling.

"Now I got you," Kojiro growled through his grin. "And you can't escape!" He laughed rather maniacally as he carried the boy like one carries a bag of contents of little importance.

Or so it seemed for Kojiro only held him with the utmost care despite how it looked to the servant who had suddenly appeared, staring at this display of rowdiness upon the Niwa Estate with undisguised distaste. Kojiro may not have noticed him for some time except that when he made an abrupt turn he nearly ran right into the servant, and with a start of surprise and a slight cry he nearly dropped the little boy.

"What?" asked Mitzu, and lifting his head he saw the servant and instantly his playfulness dropped like a stone.

Setting the boy upright on the ground, Kojiro cleared his throat and laughed sheepishly.

"Yes, is there something wrong?" he asked.

"Kojiro-san," said the servant with a bow. "This letter is addressed to you and I was told to bring it directly to you for inspection."

Kojiro took the letter and the moment he looked at the return address he cringed.

"Who said that I saw supposed to look at it?" asked Kojiro nervously.

Mitzu looked from Kojiro to the servant and back again.

"Your parents noticed that it was the first time she tried to write the estate in a long time and that it was addressed directly to you. They felt it was not their business to open it, especially since you are now head of the estate," said the servant respectfully. "They were hoping that it may be an apology of a sort."

With a heavy sigh, Kojiro grimaced at the envelope. He doubted it was an apology, and even if it was, he doubted it would be an honest one, but …

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he thanked the servant and the servant withdrew.

"Who's it from, 'Toochan!" cried Mitzu. "Who's it from?"

"Someone I used to know," said Kojiro, and he began to take the letter to a stone bench not far away.

Mitzu followed curiously and took a seat beside his father. Leaning upon his knees and then standing up on the bench he leaned over Kojiro's shoulder and watched as Kojiro opened the letter.

"What's it say?" asked Mitzu.

Kojiro was too involved in the daunting feeling that had sudden befell him. This happened to be one of the reasons he did not want to return to the Niwa Estate. She had been banished from entering the estate for any reason, but in the small world of his aristocratic peers and family, she would come up eventually. He knew that she would.

Before reading it, he took in the beautiful and perhaps a bit over flowery penmanship, and the fact that it was written in English. He also noticed the strong scent of French perfume of the most luscious scent. Kojiro bit his lip and wondered if he dared to read.

My dear esteemed Mr. Niwa—

Kojiro squinted and closed his eyes a moment before reading on.

"Oh."

My dear esteemed Mr. Niwa,

It gives me the greatest pleasure to hear that you have returned to the Niwa Estate. No, there are no hard feelings. I have entirely forgiven and forgotten the past. I have long since been married to one of the richest men in Sinnoh, and he is the most delectably charming man and as handsome as the day I married him. I also have two lovely daughters and a handsome son all of whom are studying quite hard. My elder daughter is in boarding school and the other two are still being tutored at home. I hear you have quite a few children yourself—

Reading her say anything about his children sent chills down Kojiro's spine and he glanced at Mitzu who had already lost interest in the letter. He now played in the ornamental pool and fountain and tried to touch one of the goldeen that lived there. As long as he did not try to swim in it, Kojiro supposed he would let him be for now. He read on.

—I hear you have quite a few children yourself, my dear, and I am absolutely happy for you. After all these years I would love to see you and your darling family. We're having a bit of a garden party for my elder daughter named after me, and I would like to invite you and your wife and children and your parents if they feel that they can, but I understand completely if they do not feel it honorable.

I hope you can forgive me, dear Kojiro. More than anything I hope your family and mine can be friends.

Á tout à l'heure!

With the sincerest wishes of all,

Rumika

Kojiro groaned and slumped down in his seat.

"Hey, 'Toochan!" gasped Mitzu.

"Hmm?" asked Kojiro.

He glanced up and the moment he did he leapt to his feet dropping the letter, for Mitzu had decided to climb into the fountain after all.

"Wait! Wait, wait!"

"Nani?" asked Mitzu halting in the process of lifted his leg over the side.

Kojiro plucked the boy off of the fountain and set him on the ground with a smile. "You don't want to do that."

"Why?" Mitzu demanded.

"Because two reasons," said Kojiro. "One it belong to the estate and and two, and more importantly, you could get hurt."

"I'm careful!" Mitzu protested.

"I know," said Kojiro with a smile, "but I don't want to take that risk."

Crossing his arms, Mitzu made a little pout, and Kojiro patted his shoulders.

"C'mon, how 'bout we check on Okasan, how's that sound?"

"Mmm. Ichiro?"

"Ichiro's doing school stuff," said Kojiro. "After school. Next year you're gunna do that too, you know."

Mitzu looked less than thrilled about that. How the little boy would settle down enough to learn, Kojiro could not fathom, but Ichiro had been almost as wild and he was a good student now. For now Mitzu relented about the fountain and followed happily after his father to see how his mother was getting along if she was not helping with school.

However, Kojiro did not forget to pick up the letter. As much as he wanted to, he could not ignore it, but could he really accept it either? His imagination already went wild with the possibilities of what may happen at that garden party, and it made him feel nauseous.

The sky looked bleak still. It had rained not long before, and it most likely would rain again. After talking a bit with Musashi, he may want to clear his head regardless of the weather. Rain did not bother Kojiro in the least. He used to spend whole night sleeping out in it, but he had a strong feeling they would not be attending the party if Musashi had anything to say about it. This comforted him, and with a grin, he lifted Mitzu onto his shoulders and piggy-backed him into the manor.

#

It was a maddening case of déjà vu. Into the ditch with a spray of rain striking my head, I tripped feeling as if I had gone back a year or two before prison when I was always drunk and falling into ditches on say like today. Just as I decided to pull myself up, I felt the nose of a dog sniffing very close to my ear. With a low growl I forced my heavy eyes open and the dog sat back and cocked his head at me. An old growlithe. My eyes narrowed on him a moment, and then I saw him just over the ditch on the road, wide-eyed and looking as stupid as ever under his wide black umbrella and expensive-looking trench coat.

"Anata!" I whispered in complete enraged disbelief.

Kojiro stepped back as if I had threatened him with a pistol, and the growlithe sensing his master's ill ease or maybe just my hostile reaction, began to growl at me.

"No, Gar-Chan," said Kojiro, waking from his stupor. "It's okay."

The growlithe made a protesting whine up at his master but backed up and allowed Kojiro onto the scene.

"You need help out of that …" his eyes squinted strangely and then he finished, "ditch? Kosaburo-san?"

"'Kosaburo-san!?'" I demanded.

Kojiro let out a loose shrug.

At least he had not called me Kosanji, but I knew by now that Kojiro although one of the first to call me that originally had no intention of using it now. I almost would have rather had him call me that now, as weird as that sounds. His obvious maturity, or whatever one would call it, proved far better than how I had aged, and it made my mind hiss like the steam of an old fashioned locomotive. But then another thought struck me as he held out his scrawny hand toward me.

"It's always you," I hissed.

"Are … are you drunk?" he asked timidly, and his fingers clutched tighter the handle of his umbrella.

"No!" I snarled.

Again the growlithe gave a warning growl, but he remained rooted beside his master under the umbrella. Too much rain pelting that pokémon was not good for him, yet I knew he would risk it on his master's command, if Kojiro chose, not that I feared Kojiro would.

For some reason I let out a laugh, and somehow that furthered Kojiro's resolve to help me out of the ditch. Leaning down, Kojiro stretched his hand out further to me, and I allowed him to pull me up despite his laughable, childish determination. Maybe that was even why I entertained him.

I could not help but notice how new and expensive his boots happened to be. I glared at them a moment and I had to wonder how Kojiro had gotten into such good fortune. I had to wonder how in the world he happened to be right here in this very spot where I was when he was supposed to be living way off in the Hoenn Region as he helped me across the unpaved road and onto the bench and under its tattered awning.

Still standing with his umbrella in the rain, Kojiro studied me a moment, and then he said, "What are you doing out here?"

"What am I …" I laughed again, this time long and full and no doubt sounded like the cackle of a mad man, but I was beginning to feel nut house worthy by this point anyway.

The end of my miserable day just became a trip to wonderland. I questioned how sober I could be. I remembered drinking early that afternoon but I now could not recall how many drinks I had actually had. This whole thing could be some kind of illusion, but I knew I could not be right.

"I spent all day having an exhilarating day off from work, missed the early bus home, got electrocuted by a voltorb, and they still call me that! After all these years, they still call me that! I can't stand it! It's Kosaburo! Kosaburo! Kosaburo! I hate them! And then, then, then I found myself in the middle of nowhere outside town and now you! You of all people! What am I doing here?" I cried, thrusting a finger out toward that scrawny, little man. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh … well," Kojiro began while twiddling his fingers. "I was just going for a walk." But I did not let him go on.

"It's always you!" I said. "Always you! It always was you! Ever since I met you! You and your crazy partner! Always messing up our plans, you bumbling idiots! And Yamato going on about how she hated Musashi! And you! Both of you! Everywhere I go, there you are! What do you want from me?"

"What, you think I do it on purpose!?" Kojiro squeaked. "Besides! I haven't seen you for years!"

I heard him, I registered it, but I did not listen to it.

"Well, I'm here now! I'm here! I give up! Okay? Tell me! What do you want?"

"Nothing!" Kojiro protested. "I just wanted to help you out of that ditch. That's all."

"Well, you're still here," I pointed out.

"You're talking to me," he said.

Is that what he called it?

I sighed, too weary to fight anymore or to sound insane, or even to be angry with that buffoon. It was not worth it.

"Hey," said Kojiro. "You okay?" Then he shook his head realizing the stupidity of his question. "I mean, uh … do you want me to call a cab or something?"

I rolled my eyes and groaned.

"I'm sorry you had a bad day," he said, "and I'm uh … I guess life's not going so well?"

With a shake of my head I leered at his still bug-eyed face.

"I don't know what I want," I grumbled. "I want my life, that's what I want."

"Well," said Kojiro hesitating before he continued. "Did you really mean that you wanted my advice?"

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," Kojiro said.

Closing my eyes a moment, I answered. "You have advice for me?"

"Uh …"

"Jaa, what?"

Kojiro cleared his throat. "If you want your life back," he said. "You have to earn it back."

We paused for a few minutes, me glaring at him, and he looking strangely earnest. The growlithe, now under the awning on the bench with me looked expectantly up his master and he too remained silent.

"How do you propose I do that?" I demanded.

"You give yourself your dignity," Kojiro told me.

Oh, I had dignity alright. I had sunk so low as to take advice from Kojiro. Kojiro Niwa. Licking Musashi's heals like a wounded puppy, chasing after that kid's stupid pikachu like an obsessed cat, pathetic, miserable, crazy, little freak Kojiro Niwa. But even as these thoughts ran through my mind I knew that that Kojiro Niwa no longer existed any more than the proud, cool Team Rocket agent Kosaburo Kusajima did, or anymore than Team Rocket itself stood for that matter.

"How?" I asked. "You managed it somehow, I take it."

"I guess so," said Kojiro.

"How then?" I pressed.

"Well, first," said Kojiro, "you should clean yourself up and look respectable, buy yourself some nice clothes and hold yourself like you care about yourself."

"I don't have any money," I growled.

Kojiro bit his lip and looked guilty for a moment; then he threw off his coat and handed it to me.

"Here," he said.

I glared down at it and then looking up at him very calmly, I told him, "I can't take that from you."

"Sure you can!" Kojiro insisted with a goofy smile. "It's no big deal. Really."

"You're crazy, you know that?" I demanded.

"Probably," said Kojiro with a shrug. "But go on take it. It's clean."

I rolled my eyes and replied, "I'm not afraid of cooties. Besides any cooties from you wouldn't affect anyone anyway."

Drooping somewhat, Kojiro looked away, even though his hand still held the coat out to me. With a low groan I took it and put it on if only to make him stop looking so pathetic. His look of surprise did not improve his appearance much, but I felt somehow satisfied.

"Arigato," I said, and I meant it strangely enough.

I could not deny the fact that his gesture touched me a little, especially after I had just insulted him.

"Hai," said Kojiro with a staggered nod, and then he said something that really took me aback. "If you want I'll be your friend."

"What?" I asked sharply.

"We don't need to be enemies anymore," said Kojiro. "And you look like you need one. Uh, a friend, I mean."

"I never had any friends," I protested. "I never wanted any friends."

"Maybe you still need one," he said.

I sighed. "Maybe."

There was a short pause.

"You want to be friends with me?" I then demanded.

"Hai," said Kojiro. "If you don't mind it."

With a shake of my head I just stared at him a moment, and then I said simply, "Alright."

Kojiro smiled.

"I still think you're crazy though," I warned him.

JAPANESE PHRASES:

Chichi: father (as said by an adult child)

Toochan: daddy

Yamero: stop

Anata: you