Sorry Ya'll for the slow update! I will hopefully keep going after that short sabbitical. I've had SUCH fun setting up and playing over on tumblr the last few days! Thanks so so so much for reviews and encouragements and thoughts about where our lovelies are going here. Enjoy!
"It seems...Mrs. Hughes...was..." Charles rubbed his brow. "Oh...this is not easy Milord...not easy at all."
"Carson, what it is? You can tell me."
"She was with child. Her body couldn't handle it and...she lost it." There is a long pause between them.
Robert was stunned. "Oh my dear chap. I cannot tell you how sorry I am."
"Neither of us expected anything like that...Dr. Clarkson said a viable pregnancy would've been nearly impossible...at her age." His voice was sad and he looked to Robert with a pained expression. "I didn't know..." He was holding onto a bit of guilt and embarrassment. "I feel a bit stupid..." Charles lowered his gaze.
Robert is all too familiar with these emotions. He too was dumbfounded when they found out Cora was pregnant after 18 years of not bearing children. He truly felt for Carson. "Carson, I do empathize with you. I've been there you know."
"I know milord. I don't imagine I could share this with anyone else but you."
"You mustn't beat yourself up chap. In no way could you have known, these things are not for us to decide or control, there is a higher power that commands all things under the earth. We are only given the wherewithal to manage through them."
"Hmmm...yes..I suppose."
"Please let me know how I can help if you need it. I am your employer, that is true, but I also consider you to be one of my closest confidants. You're as close to all of us...as if you were family Carson...However unenglish that is for me to say...I truly mean it." Robert extended his hand to his friend.
Carson took a moment to let those words sink in and then accepted his warm handshake. "Thank you...milord. You don't know how much that means to me."
"I think I do Carson. Please give my sentiments to Mrs. Hughes and do let her know I called after her."
"I will. And...would you be so kind as to keep all of this under...your hat? I certainly do not want the staff to know and I don't know how much Elsie..Mrs. Hughes... will want anyone to know."
"Of course..." he agreed.
Charles was struggling to go back to work. He knew things would be fine at the Abbey without him, but he wondered if it would be better for both of them to spend some time alone this afternoon. She had become very quiet, almost despondent and he didn't want to smother her if she needed some time.
"Dear? I thought I might go back to the Abbey and work on my orders?" He spoke quietly.
She looked at him and smiled so sweetly he thought his heart would surely crumble. "Certainly Charles. You do what you need to do. I'm fine." she lied.
He went to her and sat beside the bed, taking her hand in his. "Elsie...I wish I knew what to say to take away this pain."
She covered his hand with hers. "I know you do and that alone takes some of it away." Her eyes fill with tears and she looks away. "Things could be a lot worse you know. I could have cancer..." her voice was far away.
"I wish I could hold you just now."
Elsie smiled and ran her thumb over the back of his hand. Her desire to be intimate had waned but she longed to be close to him, feel his strong arms around her small frame. "I do too. I hope I can go soon. I'm tired of this place. I want to be...home." She wasn't sure where home was. She still had reservations about taking the Bates' cottage yet she wasn't sure she could feel completely at home at Downton. Her eyes welled with tears and she could not stop the emotion. Charles felt his heart would break in two.
"Okay...steady now. Not too fast." Charles helped Elsie out of the car in front of the cottage that there had been calling home for the last 2 weeks.
"I can walk you know! I'm not paralyzed!" Elsie took his hand and gets her footing on the soft ground.
"I just don't want you to topple over." They get inside and Charles dismissed the chauffeur once again. "Thank you Smithson."
"Oh Charles!" Elsie glanced around the cottage and beautiful milk glass vases with roses adorned every surface, the kitchen table, the hearth, the small occasional table in the living area, the window sill in the kitchen. Her mouth fell open. "It's lovely." she whispered and turned to him. She reached up and lightly brushed a straying lock of gray hair away from his forehead. "You're too good to me." She smiled.
"It's the least I can do." He leaned down and kissed her.
He got her settled inside, on the settee in the small living area. A fire was going, even though it wasn't particularly cold. Spring was here and the days were warm but evenings were a little chilly and Charles wanted her to be completely comfortable once at the cottage. It was nice and she actually did feel a sense of home. Maybe it was being in a hospital for the last week that created that feeling. Nonetheless, she felt it and it made her feel happy.
Mrs. Patmore brought supper and had the scullery maids stock Elsie's icebox and pantry with goods. She stayed and visited with them for awhile and tried to encourage her friend to rest and take as much time as she needed.
"How are you feeling love?" Charles cleared the small table of plates and silverware. He wasn't accustomed to cleaning up but was certainly a pro at it. He put on her apron to make her laugh and it did. Why don't you relax while I finish the supper dishes."
"I'm enjoying watching my brute of a man wash dishes actually." she giggled.
"Well then watch the magic!" He picked up 3 apples that Mrs. Patmore had delivered and started to juggle them. Elsie's face lit up like she was a young girl, at the circus.
"CHARLES!" She squealed with delight! "I didn't know you knew how to juggle!"
"Oh I'm full of surprises Mrs. Carson! Just wait!" he focused on the fruit for a moment more then put them down.
Elsie's heart swelled with pride and love for him. He truly was an amazing man, she thought. "I can't wait!"
"Mmmm...that feels so good sweetheart." Elsie's legs rested in Charles' lap as he smoothed his thumb, thoughtfully and firmly, across the instep of one foot. She watched him for a long while, watched his face, his expression as he kneaded her feet. Her heart clenched tight with overwhelming love for him. "Thank you." Elsie's breath was ragged and filled with emotion.
"For what?" he questioned without looking.
"For...everything..." she choked on her words. When Charles glanced to her, tears had spilled over the boundaries and were streaming down her face.
"Now...what is this about?!" He moved her legs out of his lap, turning her just enough so that he could hold her. "Why the tears?" He consoled her almost like a father would console his child. He brought her close to his chest and let her cry.
"Oh Charles, you've been so kind and loving these last few weeks and you have had no idea what you were getting in to; and old, sick, woman with nothing to offer..." she sobbed heavier into his chest.
He smiled into her hair. "I am kind and loving to a woman who has tolerated my foolishness and silence for far too long, a woman who has loved me quietly and patiently, who has been at my side and held my heart in her hand in private." He pulled her away from him and tipped her chin up with his finger. "My darling Elsie. You are the great love of my life. You are beautiful, you are sexy, smart..confident. I love you with a love that is so deep, words cannot describe it, actions cannot convey it. You have given me everything I've ever wanted in this life." His eyes are dark and fierce with emotion. He took her face in his hands. "Don't you ever forget that!"
She closed her eyes as tears came steadily. "I'm broken..Charles. I feel like I'm broken and incomplete...and just sick with sadness that I've lost...our...child. I know we are too old and it surely wasn't meant to happen at this stage in our lives but...oh...what if..." she sobbed again into his chest.
His hazel eyes quickly filled to brimming and the pain spilled down his cheeks. "Oh Elsie...I'm sad too but I certainly do not blame you." His chest constricted with pain too great to even know what to say. "If anything...it's my fault..."
Accosted, Elsie raised her eyes to look at him, noticing his tears, she closed hers again and shook her head to hopefully squeeze away the excruciating pain of knowing what they'd lost. She had longed and dreamed of a child..his child..on her lap; a boy with his handsome good looks and her piercing blue eyes. That child had become a regular on the reel in her mind over the years. Yet the older she had gotten...they had gotten...the dream faded and reality gave way to simpler, more obtainable things. The last 2 days, that little boy had returned to her mind. She hadn't shared it with him and her cheeks flushed with embarrassment to even think about it. She was old, she had told herself, and being pregnant and having a child at nearly 60 years old was nothing but a fantasy.
TBC...