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CHAPTER 17

Rayna's Hotel Room

11:45 pm

"I need you to promise me something."

Deacon raised an eyebrow in a question, wondering what the hell she was demanding considering the situation.

"I need you to promise me that you won't leave until we have finished talking."

He shook his head 'no' but she shook her head 'yes'. "I need you to promise me that much. We can't keep having conversations where you walk away from me."

"Fine."

12:00 am

"I just don't understand…Ray, I proposed to you multiple times. And Teddy proposes a few months after you two met and you jump at it."

Rayna put her hand on her hip in disbelief, "Are you kiddin' me? Those were not proposals. Those were you being drunk out of your mind and musing about us being married."

12: 45 am

Rayna put her head in his hands, ""Look Teddy knew I was in love with you. But he could also see how exhausted I was and how I was trying to move past you. Teddy and I were on a date when Matt Lawson called and told me about you leaving rehab."

Deacon remained silent as Rayna continued. "The next day, he came over to Tandy's place. I was really upset and he knew. He could just tell something happened between us, it was written all over my face."

Deacon scuffed, "So you felt it was okay to tell Teddy that you and I had sex? But didn't feel you needed to tell me. Makes perfect sense Ray."

Rayna gave him a look of warning, "Do you want to hear this or not?" Deacon said nothing allowing her to continue. "We weren't serious at that point but I apologized to him. He said he knew what he was getting into and said he couldn't understand what I was doing."

"Doing?"

Rayna snorted, "Yeah something to the effect of: "I don't get why a woman who wins Grammys and sells millions of records and who is smart and funny would rather spend her nights in seedy motel room than…"

Deacon yelled his interruption, "NO YOU DON'T GET TO DO THIS. You are NOT THE VICTIM HERE."

1: 20 am

"YOU BARELY KNEW HIM. AND YOU LET HIM RAISE OUR DAUGHTER."

"Teddy loved me, he was in love with me. He was stable. He had a valid driver's license. His oven didn't have a bottle of liquor hidden in it. He could get to work on time. He could be the DD when I wanted a glass of wine. "

Deacon apologized sarcastically. "Well I guess he was just Prince Charming, riding in on his white horse and rescuing you from big, bad me."

Rayna nodded, "It felt like that. It did." She walked over to where he sitting and bent down in front of him. She put one hand on his knee and lifted his chin with the other. Their eyes met.

"Deacon, I cried myself to sleep on the good nights. Those were the nights you were home and passed out. And when I couldn't find you…I paced the floor and cried and kept calling all the hospitals and police departments. "

"Ray…"

"You broke me. And you didn't mean to, but you did." She saw tears in his eyes, wishing she could stop this but knew she had to make him understand. She allowed herself a moment to gather her thoughts before continuing.

Her voice broke with half audible words. "I couldn't remember what it was like to kiss you when you didn't taste like beer or liquor. I couldn't remember what it was like to not jump when the phone rang. I was lonely and scared and desperate for you to be okay. But I couldn't help you anymore and that was the worst feeling in the entire world. I could see how much you were hurting and you could see how much you were hurting me. And it didn't matter. "

A tear rolled down his cheek as he looked down at the floor. She softly admitted she didn't like talking about this. His voice broke the quiet.

"It nearly killed me you married him. I felt like I was breaking in two. "

She nodded sadly, "I know."

"Do you ever regret lying to me? Did you ever even think, hmmm Deacon is sober now and has been for six months? Three years? A damn decade?"

"I don't even know how to answer that question. It wasn't like I saw Maddie as your child or his child. She was my baby. And I love her because of that. And for the million or so cute things she did or said. And Teddy was her dad. It wasn't a lie. He really did raise her and he loves her. Despite everything else, he is a wonderful father."

Deacon groaned but Rayna stopped him. "But if you are asking did I ever regret lying to you, then of course I did. You know that."

Deacon clinched his jaw, "Well obviously I thought I knew a lot of things that weren't true."

2: 05 am

"I don't know Ray. YOU ACT AS THOUGH I SHOULD BE OVER BY NOW."

She threw her hands up in the air, "I never said that."

"Really? 'cause you're acting like you had no choice. Poor put upon Rayna, forced to lie to her stupid drunk boyfriend for years."

3:15 am

Deacon walked over to the sink and splashed water on his face. He was tired and his head was spinning with Rayna's voice and painful memories. He looked in the mirror, noticing how red eyes his eyes were. Then his eyes shifted to Rayna's reflection.

She was crying silently on the couch. Her face was splotchy and she looked every bit as tired as he felt. This conversation was going around in circles. They had yelled at each other and cried to themselves. Every time they were getting somewhere, he'd managed to yell or make some smartass comment that started the whole thing back up.

Deacon turned around and told her he needed to get going.

She looked up at him, clearly upset for a second before bursting into tears. "You told me you weren't leaving til we were finished talking."

"Ray I'm tired, you're tired. We aren't getting anywhere."

"You promised." When he looked at her in annoyance she started to cry to harder. "You promised that you wouldn't leave until…. You promised."

"Ray…"

Her voice strained, "No you aren't even trying anymore."

3: 39 am

Deacon tried to relax against the mattress, surprised at how quickly Rayna had fallen asleep. He knew this was a bad idea but then Rayna started flipping out about him leaving. Instead of going round 98 with her or leaving, this was the only solution that worked.

He shifted a little, trying to make himself more comfortable. It didn't work. Ray was practically on top of him, clinching his shirt in one hand and every time he moved, her leg shifted higher up, over his waist.

He shifted again causing her to shift again. He let an unsteady breath out and decided to focus on ceiling. Maybe that will help me relax.

6:45 am

Rayna groaned as she tried to open her eyes. Her hand was numb and her thigh and her back ached. As she moved, she froze. Deacon was under her. She moved her head from his chest and looked up at him, surprised to see him looking back at her.

He whispered "morning" as his hand tucked her untamed hair behind her ear. Her chin rested on his rib cage and the two looked at each for a silent moment.

She moved her head to rest against his chest again and closed her eyes. If Deacon was inclined to stay where he was, I can deal with her arm falling asleep.

9:22 am

Rayna sat up, feeling the hooks of her bra digging into her back. Her head hurt, like a bad hangover and her face was swollen from the crying she'd done last night, well technically this morning.

Deacon was still asleep, not even moving as she dislodged herself. She was surprised he was still here. She texted Bucky, claiming she wasn't feeling well and asking him to clear her schedule until the show tonight.

She slowly stood up and padded over to the bathroom. The only reason he stayed last night is because I was screaming at him and I guilted him into. He's not any closer to actually forgiving me.

10:05 am

Deacon listened to the water cut off. He'd been awake for at least twenty minutes but couldn't make himself get up. It would be easier if he would just get up and leave now. He listened to her feet patter around the tile floor for a minute before the light from the bathroom blinded him.

He titled his head to the side, watching as Rayna walked out in a white fluffy robe. Her hair was down and wet. She looked, miserable.

"You were in the shower for a long time?"

Rayna made a "mhmmm" noise without bothering to say anything else. She walked over to the sink, taking a brush and ran it through her wet hair. She knew Deacon was staring at her back but didn't care. If he wanted to say something, he could.

She continued to keep herself busy, putting lotion on her legs, drying her hair, putting her makeup on but dared not to look back at him. She'd gotten so use to the quiet that she nearly poked herself in the eye with her mascara brush when he said her name.

She didn't turn around and instead busied herself with her picking out a lipstick color. She heard her name louder a second time, then a third. Annoyed she spun around and glared at Deacon.

"What?"

"You are mad at me now?" He was confused. Hell I am confused.

Ray tugged at the tie on her bathrobe and huffed. She didn't know why she was being crabby and fussy but she couldn't help it.

She shrugged, "I'm confused." She saw his eyes soften.

He softly admitted a "me too."

She shook her head in frustration, "It's been months Deacon. I know you are mad at me and I know I hurt you. And I'm not asking for you to forget your feelings but…I'm asking for you to start trying to get past this."

He let out a long sigh, "Ray, I'm trying."

"Really? Cause last night every time I explained or tried to explain anything you started yelling, again."

He groaned her name but she continued.

"No. Last night I basically yelled like a crazy person to stop you from leaving. But the truth is, I don't even know why I did that. We aren't getting anywhere. And you staying here last night was just, just more confusing than anything."

He ran a frustrated hand along the back of back of his neck and asked what she meant.

Her voice strained, "It means I need to know if you are serious about this or if this is just us doing another song. "

Deacon stood up annoyed and asked if she was giving an ultimatum. She said nothing but walked back into the bathroom. She waited a few a moments, hearing the front door of the room slam shut. She felt her knees give way and ended up crying on the bathroom floor.

10:55 am

Rayna wiped her nose with the bathrobe and pulled herself to stand. She was tired and her head ached and her heart felt like it would burst. Deacon can't get over this and I was an idiot to think he could.

She stopped short, seeing Deacon sitting on the side of the bed, where she'd left him thirty minutes before. She gasped.

"I heard the door, I thought you left."

Deacon nodded, "I got up to leave and opened the door. But I realized that no matter what happens here, I would rather be here with you than anywhere out there."

Rayna let a smile spread across her face. "You should write that down. It would make a pretty song."

He smiled back. "Actually I'm not in the mood for writing right now."

She felt her body relax in relief at the playful tone of his voice and the way his eyes sparkled. Her stomach growled causing them both to let out a soft laugh.

He told her to get dressed, "and then we'll get some lunch."

Rayna couldn't stop the happy tears as she nodded, "Yeah that sounds good."