SM OWNS IT ALL.
~October 9th 2009~
She comes out screaming bloody murder.
It's music to my ears. I know she's healthy and here all in one piece.
Talk about putting in hard fucking work.
It's a fleeting thought, but I wonder what he's doing this exact moment—when his daughter entered the world.
My Mom, Esme and Alice all fuss over her. She's so fucking tiny.
And she looks just like me.
My mom said so.
I sit back and watch them. My mind is my worst enemy. It wants to know why he's not here.
Because he doesn't fucking want us, that's why.
I feel the depression consume me. It's a force that I can't fight against.
I don't hold her after we bring her home from the hospital. She's just a tiny thing, but she brings so much pain. I don't know how to disassociate that from her.
I try to remind myself that it's not her fault.
Alice is my saving grace. She's there for her. For us.
I wish I could give my baby more. All this fucked-up-ness in my head won't let me!
I know I love her. I do. I just can't hold her.
.
.
It takes a few months for me to get the courage to take care of Sophie on my own.
It's a scary fucking thing, but I love it.
I love her personality. She giggles incessantly with me and she's everything I wanted her to be.
She's crazy chubby now and I spend most of my time nibbling on her little rolls—her arms and legs. Fucking adorable.
I'm learning to be happy in my everyday life.
But with Sophie I don't even have to try. I just am.
Awww Sophie and Bella...my heart just swells. 3 and who doesn't love chubby babies!
**Any kind of depression is serious. Postpartum being one of them. Ask for help, there is no shame in that.
ILY all and your reviews :-)