PART TWO
JAC
What do I do? He's right there, right in front of me. I can see him, I can hear him speak. He's looking right at me. No, he's looking through me. He doesn't see me. He doesn't want to see me. Maybe I should get his attention? No. If he won't look, that's his problem. I'm not going to run around after him. I can't put my life on hold for him. I have to move on.
JONNY
She's staring. Look away Jonny, don't let her know you're watching. But, she's so beautiful. No Jonny. I can't. Why is she looking at me? Is she about to have a go? I can't deal with this right now. I don't want another row, I can't take another row. That's the true meaning of our relationship isn't it? We're too different. We clash and we row. We argue but it's not just any old arguments, ours are wounding, carefully staged to cause the most damage we can. We know exactly where to hurt each other, and that's why we would never ever work. Not fully.
JAC
We're not that different, now I think about it. We're both temperamental. We're both volatile. We're both fireworks waiting to go off. Stand too close to us and there's a good chance you'll get burnt by the sparks. That's why it worked though. The chemistry draws us together. We crave the reaction, the impulsiveness of it all. Even when Tara died we used it as an excuse to get close. Too close. That night should never have happened. I can't believe we let it. You both wanted it. It was wrong. No, it wasn't. We don't know where to draw the line. The pain we cause and yet we each come back for more.
JONNY
I know I hurt her badly the last time. I know. Yet, she hurt me too, and that wasn't the first time. I shouldn't have said the things I did. I didn't know the full picture. Because she didn't trust you enough to explain. Maybe Jac was scared. She's never been the most trusting girl I've ever known. But, surely she'd trust you? The man she was sleeping with. I would have hoped but maybe the time just wasn't right for her. It never is, is it? She strings you along and expects you to follow her every whim, each unnecessary putdown, each ridiculous secret. She was ashamed of you. No, she still is, because you're just a nurse Jonny Maconie. She's a Consultant. You're beneath her. She knows it, you know it. Stop kidding yourself. Just give up. The sooner you let go, the happier you'll be. She's about to look this way, look down. Close call.
JAC
Was he looking at me? I'm sure I saw him look. He's trying to disguise it by looking at his feet. He was definitely looking. Why is he avoiding my gaze? I'd avoid it too, if I'm honest. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have to tell him the truth. But, what if he doesn't want to hear it? Maybe he's had enough. He wants nothing more to do with me and I don't blame him. Everyone leaves in the end. They all left. Mum, dad, Joseph, Jonny...Nobody stays. Nobody cares. They all claim to care. They all pretend they want to stick around. They all leave. They ruin my life because I can't let them go. They don't even give me a second thought. Is it me? Am I the one who makes it difficult? Am I too difficult to be around? It's not you. Not entirely. That doesn't help how I feel. I've been alone all my life, I deserve some love, some compassion. You were shown love before and what did you do with it? I squandered it. I took it, sucked the life out of it and spat it back in their face. He may have forgiven me but I can never atone for what I did to Joseph. The biggest mistake of my life and it will go with me to my grave.
JONNY
I wish I had the courage to speak. To explain. To say anything. I don't want to fight any more. I don't know if I'm ready to forgive her though. She makes so many people's lives a misery without a care. I don't think she even realises she's hurting them. She can't take criticism, she can't abide being told she's wrong and heaven forbid a nurse undermines her authority. She's complicated. You know how sweet she can be in the right mood. I also know her wrath. As you know hers. Yeah but she can't keep her anger in check. I only have to say or do the wrong thing and she's down on me like a tonne of bricks. I open my mouth, the claws come out. I can't take it. I need her to listen. If we could just talk things through, maybe it could work? She looks worried about something. I wonder what it is. Can she see me looking? No, she's turned away. Something isn't right. There's something on her mind. Something huge. But, everything with Jac is always a drama. Even the smallest thing. I can't take any more drama from her. I suppose that makes me as heartless as her.
JAC
I'm the heartless bitch. That's what they say behind my back. They call me Ice Queen. They point and laugh. They say I'm a robot. They say I'm inhuman, I'm the Devil. I'm pregnant and I feel like I can't say anything because they'll call it the antichrist. I know I'm not easy. I know I have too many defences. I'm not heartless. I've too much heart. I care too much. No, I cared too much. Not any more. I can't do this any longer. The job is all that matters. The job and the child. No more relationships. No more anger, no more hurt. This is the start of a new beginning. This is a new me. He deserves to be told. I will tell him, when the time is right. I will. There's no way back for us, is there? I'm damaged goods aren't I? He knows it and he will always know it. They all know it. Who wants to be with the damaged girl? Who wants to know the loner? Who wants to be associated with the freak? That's what I am. I'm just the abandoned freak.
JONNY
I just want a normal life, a normal family. I want a wife, two kids and a dog. That's my dream. To settle down. I'm not getting any younger. I've got the job I love, people I admire, people I like, people I...love. I don't have it all. Not even close. I thought perhaps I'd found it with Jac. I suppose it's clear now that I was wrong. We were never meant to be. We were never going to work. That does not mean that I am ashamed. I regret the mistakes we made, but I don't regret falling for her. I hope she knows that. We may never be together again but it was not a waste. I have to get over her don't I? Yes. It's time to move on. She's coming this way.
JAC
I'm going to tell him. I'm going to explain everything. What if now is not the right time? It doesn't matter. He has to know. He's turned away, you've missed your chance. Another time? It has to be. All alone again Jac. How that never changes. It's like an old friend, a constant companion. The only thing that will never ever leave you. Loneliness. Can't you feel it bite?
TO BE CONTINUED