PART THREE
JAC
What do I do? What do I say? I don't even know how to begin. I don't know where to start. How do you tell your ex you're pregnant? How do you break it to him gently? Maybe it's better to tell it to him straight? I'm pregnant, it's yours, deal with it. But, no, that wouldn't do. Jonny's already angry with me, I don't need to make it any worse. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm Jac Naylor. I don't need to make it any worse, I'll do that without even realising. I don't know what it is about me, it's like I'm cursed. Everything I touch turns black. Everything associated with me wilts and dies. Jonny will freak out. I know he will. He's not ready to be a father. He's still young, he wants to be free. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is just what he needs? Perhaps a child together will show us what we truly want. It doesn't mean we will be together, I know that. I just hope we can be friends, or at least civil, for the child's sake. Ugh. Why do I care how he reacts? It's not my problem. The child is his. That's an indisputable fact. I don't have to care how he takes it. He just has to know. Caring is not an advantage. My shell protects me. I'm stronger the less I care. The child only needs me. No one else. Just me. I survived on my own. That's not true though is it Jac? You pretend you don't care, but you care more than the rest of them. You shield yourself from harm but no one can see the cracks. Every day another crack, every day you shield yourself further. They're starting to show. You can't hide forever. You can't keep protecting yourself. Sooner or later you're going to break. The pieces will fly, they will scatter and you will be powerless to save yourself. By then nobody will want to help, nobody will care. You may think that you're saving yourself, that the shield protects you. But you're wrong Jac, you're so very very wrong. He needs to know.
JONNY
Maybe I ought to ask Mo? She's my best friend after all. We don't speak as much recently. I see her talking to Jac but I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I keep thinking about that night. The night, Tara...I'd rather not think about that. But we slept together. She needed me and I was there. She's acted so strangely ever since that night. Think Jonny think. You know what it could be. No, she wouldn't let herself. She's careful. I don't think she wants a child. How would I feel about it though? It's not as if we're in stable relationship. Not that it ever was. I'm not as open as I appear. I have my secrets. I can't blame her for everything. I can't...
JAC
I'm going to tell him, I'm going to bite the bullet and just tell that grumpy, singing, irritating, slightly attractive Scot I'm pregnant. I'm going to tell him today. I just have to find the right moment. We're both on shift. That's as good a time as I'm ever likely to get. In any case, I can't hide it forever. I will begin to show eventually, it's better that he knows now. I don't want to upset him by leaving him out of it. We may not be together but it's not the child's fault. It deserves to have a father. Jonny will be a good father. He has that knack with children, I doubt that I'll ever have it. I'm useless. Why am I even having this child? Why? I don't deserve to be a mother. I don't deserve any happiness. If I could turn back the clock...no you wouldn't. Wouldn't I? You wouldn't change what's happened. You wanted to get pregnant. Deep down, you hoped. You're not getting any younger. Each day that passed made the likelihood of conception slimmer. Better to have the child now. How many women have left it too long, only to find they can't conceive? But I don't think I should be a mother. I don't think I can give this child what it needs. What she needs. She? You've already decided the sex. I know I'm having a girl. I just know it. There's nothing more to say. Whenever I think about my child, I think of my daughter. I want her to be healthy, to have long flowing hair, well defined features and a better personality than I could ever hope to possess. I want her to be happy. I want her to love and cherish, to have and hold. She will learn from the mistakes that I've made. She will learn the truth of who I am.
JONNY
We're on shift soon. Maybe today's the day I find out what's going on? I hope so. I can't take this tension any more. I think I know what's going on, but I can't be sure. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can trust her. What if she lies to me? What if she conceals the truth? The full story. I want to trust. I want to forgive. I think I'm still in love with her. What good is dreaming? Nothing was ever real. Yeah, maybe. Maybe not. If she is pregnant, then the child is very much real. Whatever the truth, only time will tell. I just, I don't know. It's like I'm on a seesaw swinging one way or the other. Up down. Up down. I can't make it stop, I can't get off. I feel so indecisive, I feel so detached. How are you supposed to be like with someone when looking at them makes you feel...everything. I look at her and I see hate, I see anger, I see love, I see lust, desire, friendship. She's embedded inside my heart. I can't just write her off. I remember the first time we met...a happier time. A calmer time. Before it all became like this...broken. Chin up Jonny, maybe today is the start of something new. For both of you. Yeah, maybe.
JAC
For the first time in ages, I finally feel ready. I finally know what I have to do. It's not going to be easy, but it's the best I have. It's down to him now, it's his choice how he reacts. It's in his hands. Well, not quite yet. I still have to tell him. I've made the decision, now it's the hard part...
THE END