"Look into the distance
Tell me what you see
Can you see the future?
Are you there with me

Hope its there for both of us
Hope we travel on
'Cos I believe
Yes I believe
That once you light that fire
and when you give it life
It will grow and grow

'Cos the first touch
Of your first love
Is the deepest and the sweetest
And the last words
Of your first love
Are the hardest words to hear"

"He didn't say anything after that. I don't know why. But he seemed a little tense. The afternoon didn't go too well. Roger was cool actually. Somehow Carmen really got him and he was indeed calm and more friendly with everyone.

Max, on the other hand, seemed to have slipped from a really good day into a bad one. His mood wasn't the best, to say it the kind way."

"Did he have mood-changes like that often?" Rosie interrupted him.

Leo nodded: "He usually had some changes but not like that…little stressful ones were normal, really. But a big jump from 'Gee-Hug-The-World' to 'Oh-Fuck-Ya-All' was rare."

"I see" Rosie didn't take her eyes off Leo.

"Anyway, it was early in the evening that day when the last actors were finally allowed to go home and call it a day. I was on stage next to Roger and Carmen to talk about the program for the next day. I usually did this and checked lists and stuff, just in case you're interested at all.

After explaining what they had to sign and letting them tell me, for what seemed a millionth time, what they'd planned to do the next day, Roger suddenly started to whisper. He took me aside with only Carmen following and said: "Listen, what is this extreme mood Max is in now? What the hell did you two do out there?"

"Out there?" I asked a little confused.

"Oh, don't act dumb" Carmen interrupted. "He's been like that since you two came back from the break earlier. What happened?"

Being surrounded by two men like them, with their eyes following your every breath was pretty disturbing, but two men of whom you think they're a little crazy was worse. Much worse!

I ducked a little, but they simply wouldn't let go.

"Listen, I really haven't the slightest clue why he is like that now? We've joked around out there, not more. And suddenly he got this look and left."

Roger and Carmen finally leaned back and thought about something.

"Hm..." Roger began. "Well, I can't remember I ever saw him like that?"

"Oh, now you're exaggerating" I said. "It's just a bad mood. Lots of people get those."

Carmen shook his head. "No, Leo. This is different. Believe him. He knows Max for a longer time than you and I got used to this as well. This is more serious. He either has a really really stressful day, which wasn't exactly the case, or he has a problem of some other kind."

"Problem?"

Carmen and Roger nodded contemporaneously.

"Well, what kind of Problem?" I asked after a short moment. I couldn't believe he really had one, since he'd never seriously cared about anything.

"That, my friend" Roger said, swinging his arm around my shoulder, "is for you to find out."

I stepped back in a hurry. "Me? Why me?"

"Because, you two are together all day long, seven days a week. No one has a better chance than you" Carmen added.

"But" I instinctively grabbed my blanket – an old habit, you know – and started a slight hint of panic arising inside of me. "But, I can't talk to him about anything like that. Especially not if he's in such a mood."

Carmen stared at me with a puzzling look in his eyes: "Why not?"

"Because…"I hesitated. Why should I tell them? But then, I thought it was for Max's own good after all, so maybe they needed to know.

"Because, it is sort of an unspoken agreement between us, that whenever one has something to hide; you know, of which he would never speak to anyone, there will be no asking from the other side. I mean, if he wanted to tell me what's wrong he surely would've done it by now, don't you think?"

The two men looked at each other for a couple of minutes; then grinned. Roger shook his head and looked at me again.

"I think in this case you SHOULD find out" he said.

"What makes you so sure?"

"Let's say, I believe it's a thing between you and him" he grinned even more now. All I did, was standing there like an idiot, not getting what he was driving at.

Finally, I sighed and looked down. I felt a slight nod coming from my head, though I wasn't truly intending to do so.

"Fine" I said. "Okay, I'll try to ask him. But if he's mad afterwards, it's your fault."

I pointed at them, but Carmen and Roger just smiled again.

"Once you had gold,
Once you had silver,
Then came the rains
out of the blue.
Ever and always.
Always and ever.
Time gave both darkness and dreams to
you.

Now you can see
Spring becomes autumn,
leaves become gold
falling from view.
Ever and always.
Always and ever.
No-one can promise a dream come true,
Time gave both darkness and dreams to
you."

Max packed his stuff. He usually collected papers and stuff after one day and acted as though he'd take this all very seriously. The truth was he usually abandoned it on his desk in his office afterwards, but somehow he really had a tic with never leaving anything in a theatre. Maybe it was still an old habit, which kind of made him feel better. No one could prove evidence about him might doing anything wrong.

I stalked to him. What did I fear after all? That the slightest sound would make him scream at me? No, not really. I admit, I panic easily, but I really had more than three years of my life spend with this guy now, so I was used to a louder tone, even screaming. I guess all I feared was to break this promise no one ever spoke about. I couldn't even remember when this was made, but we never talked about earnest stuff. Ever.

And I was about to abolish all of that, just because the only two Queens in the world I knew personally wanted me to talk to him. I really liked them, don't get me wrong about that, but their ideas were literally shit. I never understood why they couldn't talk the way everyone understood what they meant. They acted as though none of them had any clue of anything when it came to situation similar to this one, but apparently they knew exactly what was going on. It was their way not to stick their noses into other people's business and yet do exactly that.

"You seem stressed" I said quietly. Max looked up for a short moment, as though I had ripped him out of any important thoughts, but returned to his papers as quick as possible.

"I'm tired" he replied. "That's all."

Who did he think was he talking to? He wasn't tired at all. I knew at least to judge him for that matter.

He was reaching after some contract that laid directly in front of me, but before he could pick it up, I grabbed his hands and kept him from moving. This, of course, caused a rather furious look, but no screaming. I was surprised, not only about my own courage all of a sudden, but also about his reaction.

"Well" I started. "How about dinner?"

Max's look didn't change a bit. That was definitely bad.

"No" he simply said and added in a more dangerous tone: "Let go!"

"Oh come one. This'll give you a chance to relax a little. No more 'I am tired' and stuff. I know you're not."

Where these words really coming from me? I didn't know where they came from, but my stomach actually gave a vault.

"What?" he said and, without any doubt, was mad now. Thanks to Roger and Carmen. Why did I listen to them?

"I know you when you're tired and this day wasn't too exhausting. If there's a reason for your bad mood, you surely need a little relaxation" I kept talking. Maybe I could talk his anger dead, which would save me for good. "So, what about it?"

"I said, let go of me" he repeated.

"Not until you agree" I tried to grin but I guess it looked more silly.

My luck was that even Max had to laugh about this. Not much of course, but his rather mad look changed into a smallish smirk. Then he sighed and looked down.

"If I am, will you let go of me?" he asked.

"Yeah" I said.

"Well, okay then" he said.

"Don't you like me touching you or what is it?" I grinned now, too.

"No" he said shortly and somehow looked kind of devilish with the grin and the yet satanic look now. "My wrists turn blue."

A little shocked I looked down to his hand, which I was still holding. Maybe I held them in too tight a grip. Paralysed I stood there for a moment, still not believing what I just did and then let go in a hurry.

Max rubbed his wrists.

"I'm sorry" I said and I really was. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

Was this another smile on his face? "That's okay."

Finally, he looked kind of friendly again.

"Listen, I will pack a few more things together and then we can go, all right?"

He lifted his right hand and touched my neck, while pulling me closer; as he often did.

"We'll meet in about ten minutes outside, okay?"

I nodded, till he let go and walked backstage.

I turned myself towards the Exit and was about to leave as well, when Roger and Carmen held me back.

"So?" Carmen asked.

"So nothing" I said. "He didn't tell me anything. I told you before."

"I think he's told you enough, but you simply didn't understand" Roger smiled.

I puzzled. "What do you mean?"

Carmen joined Roger's smile. They looked at each other and said: "What was that thing about him putting his hand around your neck?"

"What?" I didn't know what they meant, though I was pretty sure they tried to manoeuvre me onto some path again. "Oh, that's nothing. He often does it. Kinda old habit or whatnot, I dunno."

Roger started to laugh. It was a loud masculine laugh, rarely used by this man.

"If you say so, young friend" he looked me directly into the eyes. "then it must be true."

With those words, he swung his arm around Carmen and they left the theatre without looking back once. I was left behind, without getting anything, yet contemporary finding their little games extremely annoying.

"What did they want?"

Max stood behind me and nodded in their direction. He knew their seemingly senseless conversations and felt annoyed by them every time, although I knew he'd developed a certain sympathy to them at last.

"I can't tell you" I answered, still looking after them.

"Can't tell or don't wanna tell?" he grinned again.

"Really can't tell" I had to grin. "I have not the slightest idea what they wanted."

I scratched my head. That was the weirdest thing the two of them had ever managed to do in front of me. Max knew them some time longer and surely knew better fitting examples, but for me this was simply too queer to understand.

"Well, okay" I heard Max saying behind me. "Shall we?"

I nodded and we went off.

Two hour later we still sat at Sardi's, both sipping our drinks and talking about silly stuff. I don't know, this usually happened when we were somewhere without Roger and Carmen.

"So, sorry for bringing this up again" Max said. "But you really have no idea what they wanted just now?"

I swallowed the last bit of wine and answered: "Why? You don't believe me?"

"Not at all, you old liar" he grinned.

I had to laugh as well. It was good to see him being his old self again and obviously enjoying the evening.

"I honestly don't know what that was about" I said again, leaning back. "I hardly ever get through to them. Well, maybe it's just them or I am unable to understand homosexuals."

Max laughed. "Well, I'd say it's just them. They are rather weird."

"But you must admit they have a certain sweetness to them."

"Sweetness?"

"Max, don't tell me you never noticed the way they act when they're together. Despite their little fights now and then, they're really sweet. They'd die for each other. I'm pretty sure about that" I explained.

"But?" Max looked at me in disbelief. "You find that odd?"

"No, … Well, not really" I said. "I mean, you know… They're two guys after all."

Max shrugged. "You said it yourself, they love each other. So, nothing wrong about that."

"No, not really" I agreed. "But I tried to imagine how this would be like, you know? I mean, loving a man."

Max coughed shortly, then waved to the waitress.

"I think we should go now. Another rehearsal day starts early tomorrow" he said.

Again, I started to wonder a little. He wasn't mad now, but he seemed to cut me off every time I mentioned the topic. Okay, maybe he just didn't like it, but I knew for sure one could talk with him about a topic like that easily.

"I'm scared

So afraid to show I care

Will he think me weak

If I tremble

When I speak

What if,

There's another one he's thinking of

Maybe he's in love

I'd feel like a fool

Life can be so cruel

I don't know what to do"

We arrived at Max's office quite a while later. On the way there, we decided to stay there over the night, since driving to our apartments would take too long now. There was a bed and the couch in there, so this was no problem and we've done that a thousand times before. Max lived there half of the week nonetheless.

As we climbed up the stairs, Max turned around and started to imitate Roger. He loved doing that and, funny enough, always found anything that fit him so perfectly even Roger himself couldn't have done it better.

Max's Roger-imitations were fabulous. He knew this guy way too long as not to mimic his exact way of speech and movements.

"Watch the step, darling" he joked. "We don't want this marvellous body of yours to get any scratches now, would we?"

I laughed so hard, I can't remember how long it took to get to the first floor.

"Oh Roger" I played along. "You're so strong and always careful."

Max turned for a short moment and grinned. But, as funny as this might seem he didn't break out. He opened the office-door with a very swishy gesture and bowed deeply.

"After you, my love" he grinned while doping this.

"Yessssssssssssssssss"I said and walked inside like a poodle with my head up high.

Inside, I hung up my coat and moved over to the middle of the office. Max closed the door, put his stuff away as well and came in, still in a very gay way, to join me. I had a hard time not to laugh, but he obviously kept playing this 'til the bitter end.

"Well, sweetie, is there anything I can get you" he asked. It was unbelievable how similar to Roger he sounded. I laughed a lot, 'til I decided not to break out as well.

If the two of them knew we'd have a good time just imitating them, they most likely would never have spoken to us again.

So, I moved over to Max, flung my arms around him and started Carmen's usual way of sweet-talking to Roger.

"You know what I wish for, don't you, Mr. DeBris?"

"And what would that be, Mr. Ghia?" Max said.

I pulled him closer and whispered: "Anything you like."

I really couldn't help but laugh now. This was simply too much. It cracked me up to think of both of them acting that way. I remembered Max and me sitting in their living room one day and Carmen did exactly that, while we thought 'Oh my God, not here, please!'

I stumbled backwards, tears in my eyes, 'til suddenly I lost balance and fell.

Max, with some reflexes I had never suspected on him, grabbed me right before I hit the ground.

It must've looked pretty weird: Me hanging shortly over the ground with Max holding me; one hand on my back, the other beneath my neck.

"Wow, thanks" I said, grinning. "That was pretty g…"

I couldn't finish the sentence, for what happened then was unbelievable.

All I felt that moment was Max's warm face and his lips touching mine. I could feel my eyes widened in surprise. I did not dare to move, nor to say anything. I just hung there, doing nothing and trying to sort my thoughts, which simply didn't work.

Noticing what he was doing, he let go as fast as he could and stepped back from me. I somehow managed to stand on my feet again without falling.

We stood there for what seemed an eternity. I simply stared at him without thinking the slightest thing. My face must've been a mixture of shock, surprise and a billion questions. Max on the other hand looked away, avoiding my direction as good as he could.

"I…er… I'm sorry…I"

He didn't finish this, but walked away quickly. I kept standing there for a moment, then walked slowly after him, just to find him sitting on the bed in the next room with his head in his hands.

"Max, what…"I whispered. I couldn't find any other way to get my voice back.

"I said, I'm sorry" he answered as quietly as I did before. He didn't look up.

"This won't happen again."

I sighed and moved slowly over to him. I couldn't explain any of this, nor did I really want to.

I sat down next to him. All I could do now was staring to the ground. I just couldn't say anything. Questions started to whirl around my head now. Max didn't move either. I hardly heard him breathing at all.

"Was this why you …" I started anew. "…Why you avoided this subject all day long?"

I was aware that my voice still sounded hoarse and not like me at all, but somehow I needed an answer.

"I" Max said after a while. "I am really sorry. This shouldn't have happened."

He put his hands down I saw that from the corners of my eyes.

"It's just that…" he continued. "Don't get me wrong, but it's just that I feel strange near you lately. I tried not to show this … But , you know…when I had you in my arms down there... it was this… this odd situation. I mean it was as if someone else acted through me."

He honestly tried to explain this, though I knew exactly he had no idea what had happened.

Max turned his head and looked at me.

"Leo, I am really sorry."

He meant it, I could feel. As if in a dream I turned my head as well. His eyes told the truth for sure.

"I guess, you can't forgive me this, can ya?" he asked.

He looked at me. It was as if he'd look through me. Only Max was able to do this. I tried to answer, but what hit me then was less me than anything else.

I moved closer to him, touched his face and kissed him the same way he did just a moment ago. Why did I do this? I had no clue. But I forgot the questions that kept buzzing in my head, the situation that complicated with this even more and even the imagination of the faces of Roger and Carmen, when they found out about this. All I felt was the warmth of this man; his breath on my skin. Emotions I never felt before in my life. It was as though I fell off the ground, defying all gravity. I noticed I slipped onto the bed and, while still kissing Max, pulled him with me. "

"You two…"Rosie sounded as though she just remembered she had a voice.

Leo nodded sadly.

~to be continued~