„There's a fine, fine line

Between a lover and a friend.

There's a fine, fine line

Between reality and pretend.

And you'll never know

Until you've reached the top

If it was worth the up-hill climb.

There's a fine, fine line

Between love

And a waste of time."

Rosie sat there and stared at Leo. The always silent, sad-looking and a bit neurotic Leo. She just couldn't believe what he just told her. Could this be? Was this the reason for his odd behavior or did something laying deeper within cause all this?

Leo sat there, not talking anymore, just watching the ground with his brown eyes which seemed to look sadder every second he dared to tell more of his sheer unbelievable past.

"I didn't know you were gay" Rosie said after a while.

"I'm not" Leo looked up as though someone has slapped him awake. "I assure you I'm not."

"But…"

Was he kidding her? When a guy was sleeping with a guy , then being gay was the most common term for it. And he just told her he did. Wasn't that true? But then why would someone make up something like that?

"But you just said…" She started but couldn't make it to the end of her question.

"I know what I've told you" Leo said quickly. "But believe me, I am not gay. I just don't know what happened to me that night. I can't explain why I did it."

He sighed and buried his face in his hands. " I just dunno…"

'Poor Leo' Rosie thought. He looked so pathetic. One could feel his pain, his questions and his invincible desire to forget. Rosie felt sorry for him. She really did. And she didn't even know the whole story. After all, if he'd found someone he loved... It was a beautiful thing. But with Leo sitting there, swearing with all he owned he wasn't gay… Something must've gone wrong.

"Well" she started again. "What happened?"

Leo didn't look up: "What do you mean?"

"Oh come on, you know what I mean" she said. "How can you spend a night with a guy without any questions... without having a reason to part afterwards? I mean you've worked with him for years, haven't you?"

He nodded. "Yeah, there was a reason."

Rosie changed the way she sat until then and looked at him with all attention she had to offer.

Leo took a deep breath and continued:

"It wasn't without a reason of course. There always is. I remember sleeping deeply that night, without any worries or sense of guilt. I just felt happy, not this false happy you feel when you think you've gotten something you easily could've wished for at Christmas. No, this was a "Happy" I've never felt before. It was warm and enjoyable, filling every last bit of me and killing really the last spark of doubt. I laid there, breathing easily and feeling him next to me. Not alone. That was the last thing I thought before I fell asleep, I remember that.

I awoke pretty late the next morning. At least I thought it was late, for even though it was fall, there were sunbeams falling through the window nearby. I still was sleepy and just laid there, without moving at all. When I opened my eyes, I first took a short while until I could see clearly.

I could see the clouds rushing by through the window. Grey ones, with a slight blue glimmer, heavy, yet soft. They let just enough space for the crystal-blue skies to shine through a little. How late was it? I moved my head for just some inches to look for the time.

3pm. I never sleep this long. What about the day? The rehearsal that took place since the morning? Max would surely kill me.

Wham! It was as thought I never had slept at all. I opened my eyes faster than ever before.

What about Max?

I wheeled around, just to find an empty space next to me. Where was he? Why didn't he wake me?

I guess you know the dizzy feeling you got in the morning when you rush up too fast. I felt like it in that very moment. I propped up one arm to get a hold of myself. Then I rubbed my eyes. Did this really happen or did I imagine that?

I fell back on my pillow. It still smelled like him all around me. No, this certainly was real.

'This will change a lot.'

It was the first time I really thought that, but not in a bad way. I simply felt I finally had found something real. Something to rely on, without the panic in me to lose it again or with something might going wrong.

But at the same time, I thought we had to talk about it. There was no way in undoing this, so I had to know what was gonna be.

So, I finally stood up and started to dress. I walked over to the window and stared outside for a moment. What should I say? I was sure Max wouldn't wanna talk. He just wasn't the kind of person to talk about emotions or to allow another person to get deeper into his personality.

I was ripped rather hard out of my thought, when I suddenly heard voices from outside the room. I turned and walked over to the door. That sounded like Roger.

"No, honestly. I don't get why you two didn't show up today. This is important even though it's just the beginning" he said in a deep voice.

"I told you I'm sorry, but I just don't feel well."

That was Max, no doubt. So, he was still there. And he hadn't been at rehearsals as well.

"Not feeling well isn't the best excuse, really" Roger continued. "And I expected more of Mr. Bloom. He is usually so reliable."

"Maybe he slept longer today" Max said. "I mean, he looked rather tired yesterday."

"And you think I believe that?"

"Why should I lie to you?"

"Because you usually keep him busy, so he won't forget a thing. And even if you've decided to stay here today, I'd say you've even called him and told him to go" Roger answered.

"Well, I didn't" Max simply said.

What was that? He obviously didn't tell him I was just in the next room. Okay, he might not wanted them to know. It was Roger and Carmen after all and Max knew quite well how they'd behave if they found out.

Then there was a long pause. I don't know what happened, but I could imagine. As far as I knew Roger he kept staring at Max with his 'I-don't-believe-you-just-said-that' look.

"Anyway, now that you know I'm here and am not coming today" I heard Max's voice. "You can go."

I heard Roger deep inhale, the sort of thing he did when he felt treated unfair in any way. Then he turned. At least I've heard footsteps away from the door directly to the front door.

'What a relief` I thought.

But there was no slamming of the door. Why didn't I hear the door? Did Roger change his mind or simply forgot something. Or…No! I just remembered something.

"Wait" his deep voice started. "Aren't those Leo's coat and briefcase?"

No!

I was in shock, really. I knew something would blow this. I knew I'd forgotten something. Slowly I felt panic rising inside of me.

Max seemed to think as well. I never saw him speechless before, but this time I didn't even hear him breathing.

"Well" he said and I knew he was waving his hands about. Only once I've seen this before. It's the moment when he tries to find an answer but doesn't really know what to say.

"Is he….no" Roger sounded both, shocked and excited. I heard him coming into the room again, closer to Max and closer to my door.

"He's here, isn't he?" he asked.

"Erm…"

Max didn't say anything.

"Oh yes" Roger moved a bit away from him and sat down. I knew the crunchy sound of that leather-couch too well by now.

"Where is he? Did something happen?" Roger asked.

"Well, I'd…I'd rather you would leave" Max said. He didn't sound like himself at all anymore. Funny, how odd situations could change people.

„No, no, no" Roger interrupted him.

My God! This Guy was unbelievable. He knew. I was certain, because the only thing I knew for sure about him was that he could smell stuff like that. If it was the odd behavior of Max or the signs, which laid clearly and for all to see in the middle of the room. Or maybe some kind of sixth sense only he had. I wasn't able to tell.

"Where is he and why are you telling me this rubbish about not feeling well?" he asked.

Bulls-eye. Max simply had to answer this. This question was pronounced so clearly there were no chances of breaking out.

"He's…" Max couldn't. He just couldn't tell him. He usually would make up all kinds of explanations but he was stumbling over his own words or thoughts or whatever it was.

"Oh, come on. There's only one place he could possibly be" Roger said, a little annoyed of not hearing what he wanted to. I knew he was pointing at the door of the bedroom; the very same door I sat behind.

"With you both not appearing today and you desperately trying to hide Leo in there..." he said and nodded towards the door, "...gives me kind of the feeling I'm on the right path."

"I think you're getting a little too deep into business that doesn't concern you" Max said, now fully capable of using his normal voice with a bit of anger lying in it.

Silence. Again. I supposed Roger wouldn't let himself be satisfied with such an answer. Max was breathing in slowly as if he'd have to hold his breath for at least five minutes.

"Okay, next thing there are no signs of any of you spending last night on the couch."

I knew what Max looked like just then. He most surely would turn his head away and put his right hand on his head, as if he had a head-ache. He surely knew for certain that there was no running from this.

"Max?" Roger asked and with this proved me right. "Did you sleep with him?"

There it was: the question he dreaded. Those five words that would change his life... our lives forever. Everything depended on his answer now, even though it didn't mean anything. It's fascinating how something can mean so much and at the same time be so useless that it may seem even silly just to consider an answer. Yet, he had to say something.

Roger smiled. I just knew. I could feel him smiling.

"Yes, you did" he finally said. Max didn't respond. What now? Come out of the room and confess something he already knew or hide in there and pretend not to be there?

I remained silently behind a closed door.

"Max?"

Max turned around as quickly as he could, looking Roger directly into the face.

"Okay!" he shouted. I could hear his anger and helplessness in his voice. Shaking, yet loud... It wasn't at all how he sounded usually.

"Okay, yes. So what? It's not the end of the world now, is it? I don't know why you are interested in this anyway!"

I stood there like turned into stone. This couldn't be true at all. He didn't just tell him, did he? Oh yes, he did. He did and there wouldn't be any chance to take this back.

"Well, what's the screaming about then?" I heard Roger's voice. "It's okay. You're right, I shouldn't care, but I don't understand why you make such a fuss about it. I mean this had to happen some day."

"What?"

"Did you really think I didn't notice your looks or Leo's admiration for you?" he continued. "Please, this was obvious."

"Was it?" Again Max sounded insecure. Just like a child getting caught by his mother while desperately trying to keep a secret.

"Does this embarrass you?" Roger asked.

"Well…"

"Yes" Roger sounded surprised. "Why?"

"I…"

"All right, I won't ask anymore, if it's really such a hard thing for you to speak about" Roger said. He seemed to understand; something I'd never have suspected. Max neither as it seemed.

Roger stood up and walked straight to the door. Finally. He knew now, but at least Max managed it to get rid of him. I felt a little better at last.

But then… No! He stopped again.

"One last question before I leave" he said calmly.

"Hm?"A scared response, which must've been Max.

Roger sighed.

"Do you love him?"

My eyes widened. I never thought of that question before. Never. I couldn't imagine the answer, though indirectly I knew deep inside. I wasn't sure at all what I would've done in this situation; what I would've answered, if I had answered at all. And Max? What the hell would he say?

No passion without love. That was what I'd learned since I was born and surely this was it.

"Come on, it's one simple question" Roger's voice slapped me awake again. "Do you love him?"

There was a pause, then a noise that sounded more like Roger was taken aback. You know, the one you do in a shocking moment. I had no idea what had happened.

"Are you sure?" I heard him again. "Repeat that for me. You can't mean this."

"I am. I don't love him" Was Max's answer.

It was as if someone had hit me in the stomach. I felt like falling deeply without any chance of getting caught, right before vanishing into the depth of nowhere.

I stared at the ground without thinking at all,shaking my head in disbelief. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe.

"You don't? What on the world made you do this then?" Roger said, his voice rising with each word. "How could you do this to Leo then?"

"Look, it's not like that" Max's voice was back to normal and rose as well. "It's not anything like your relationship with your sissy little assistant. Okay? I am neither you nor Carmen. Gee, I don't even think a bit like you. I wouldn't die for him, even though you think that is it what makes a relationship work!"

"But you…"

I've heard enough. I don't know what stroke me back then, but I took the nearest thing I could reach; in my case an old book which stood on the shelve next to me. I wanted them to shut up. No more. Not even one damn word more. I didn't want to hear it. So, I threw the book in the direction of the window and, as you can imagine, broke it. The noise was sort of refreshing. It made everything around me shut up. It was this one loud moment you need to clear your mind and then there was silence. Long silence. At least, that's what it was for me. I went to the window and propped up my whole body with my arms on the window-sill. I looked at the shattered pieces of glass on the ground and the last bit that was left from the window. As the sun reflected in them, I realized that this was my life. Shattered, without a way to fix it, just with the things that happened reflecting in it. The only thing to do now was to replace it with something else.

The door behind me opened and Max and Roger rushed inside.

"Oh my God, is everything all right?" I heard Roger.

"What did you….How long have you been awake?" Max asked shocked.

I just stood there and stared into space. I could feel my face darken. Then I turned and walked pass the two men, straight to the door.

"Leo" Max said.

I turned around and said: "Long enough."

Then, I walked through the door and the office, grabbed my coat and shoes and walked to the door, that would part me from this man forever.

"Were the hell are you going? Leo" Max jumped after me and grabbed my arm. "Let me explain…"

With one fast movement I made him let go of me.

"What is there to explain?" I screamed. My face was hot and red, I could feel that. "You did get exactly what you wanted, didn't you? Having it all your way and get rid of the consequences as quick as possible."

He shook his head and looked even more helpless than before. "No, you didn't get this right…"

"I got all I had to" I cried. "And now, leave me alone."

I glared over to Roger, who stood in the bed-room door like a child who watched his parents in a fight, then turned and slammed the door behind me.

I couldn't work with this guy any more. I didn't want to see him, I didn't even want to waste one more thought about him. All I wanted was to leave; to get away from all of this.

I quit my flat in Manhattan that same day and in the evening I walked through New York, without having anything left. I didn't realize the cold weather, though the collar of my coat was kocked up. I wandered along the dark streets, past a few leafs rolling over the empty streets I chose to walk on and before I really noticed where I was, I stood on one of the bridges to New Jersey. I turned once more and saw the skyline of Manhattan at night. One last glimpse of the life I had. As I looked at it, I shook my head. This was over. I kept asking myself though why this made me feel so bad. The answer, I guess, is that the only thing everyone in the world relies on is a love that keeps him from drowning, no matter with whom or what. It's the reason why they write books about it or shoot movies or simply long to find something like that their whole lives long. It's the only thing which makes us humans feel good and really enjoy our miserable lives in any way. Even though people keep telling they don't need it or don't want it; it's still the thing everyone looks up for. Unfortunately only a hand full of people in the world are the lucky ones to really experience this. Then why looking for it? Because, we just can't believe that this is all our life has to offer. There always is this wishful thinking that there must be more; a reason why we are all here.

But not for me.

Then I turned my back on it and vanished into a new life. I found a flat here and swore myself never to think or speak about this."

"There's a fine, fine line

Between a fairytale and a lie

And there's a fine, fine line

Between you're wonderful and Good-Bye

I guess if someone doesn't love you back

It isn't such a crime

But there's a fine, fine line

Between love and a waste of time

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore

I don't think that you even know what you're looking for

For my own sanity I've gotta close the door

And walked away"

Rosie stared at him, as if he'd just told her a very exciting bedtime-story.

"And then, you started to work for Joe?"

Leo nodded. "That's all, really."

He stroked through his hair. "I would appreciate it, if you keep this all with you."

Rosie nodded. "Of course."

It's gotten late then. The two of them spent the whole day just chatting. Rosie was so fascinated by Leo's story, that she didn't dare to move a muscle in fear he might stop. So, she now stood up and walked to the door. Leo followed her.

"I am sorry to have bothered you with this" he said. "I wished an afternoon together would end up funnier."

He tried hard to look carefree and even to smile, but Rosie could read his mind. He was again thinking about what he just told her and she felt his pain. He didn't want this for sure. He wanted to forget and close that file. Suddenly she felt silly to have bugged him to tell her his story. It was her fault he felt miserable now. She had to repay him somehow, she knew.

On her way out, she turned:" Er..., Leo?"

"Yes?" He looked up before closing the door once more.

"Did you love him?"

What fascinated Rosie still, were his eyes, which, even though they were sad, always managed to look even sadder. It almost broke her heart.

"I am sorry" she said. "I didn't want to upset you with this. Just forget it."

"No, I didn't" Leo said.

She looked up again. "So?"

"I never did, actually."

She nodded and walked to her own flat, opened the door and closed it softly after her.

Sunday went over pretty fast. Neither Leo nor Rosie saw each other or even left their flats that day. It was a rainy autumn's day with heavy gray clouds all over the city. Leo hadn't left his bed all day, yet he couldn't sleep at all. All the memories he had abandoned long ago came back to him. He tossed around too many times, trying to forget, but it didn't work, until finally he fell into a fretful sleep.

When he awoke on Monday, he was glad he had to work around noon. He felt awful and tired. He knew he also looked pretty bad with a pale face and tousled hair. He didn't shave and looked as tired as he felt. But there was no use. He had to work and though he still thought there wasn't much left of the old Leo, he would never skip a day of work.

When he arrived at the little restaurant on a corner of a huge building in the city, he noticed the lack of guests.

"Maybe it's just not the day to go out" he thought.

Leo came into the kitchen minutes later and hung up his coat.

"Well, Bloom" he heard a rough voice behind him and rushed around.

Rod, one of the chefs stood behind him. He was much taller than himself. Leo always thought he looked more like a suspect fresh out of prison, than a chef and always wore a certain fear of him inside. His voice was deep and hoarse and the tattoo's on his hands didn't really help to improve the picture of this guy.

"Yes?" he asked a little shy. Gosh, did he really notice his fear? Guys like him could smell something like that easily.

"I've heard some rather nasty things about you and just wanted to ask if this was true?" he said and coughed afterwards.

"Nasty things about me?" he forced himself into a smile. "I admit, I robbed the bank near the town-hall last night, okay. Gee, how did you find out?"

The smaller man turned around again and continued to hang up his stuff when suddenly a huge hand forced him to turn around again. Leo's eyes widened in panic.

"Listen you" Rod said. "I don't like some miserable little fag like you talking to me like that!"

He was very close to him now. Leo looked up in shock. Fag?

"So, is it true you are one of those disgusting morons who enjoys being screwed up by men?"

Leo took a deep breath. Then he looked around quickly. A couple of other male employees had gathered around him, throwing nasty looks in his direction. Some of them even laughed madly about this picture. And in one far corner stood Rosie looking as though she would start to cry every minute.

"Rosie, what the hell did you do?" Leo screamed in panic, but Rod grabbed him on his shirt, so he wouldn't have any chance to flee.

"I'm sorry Leo, they heard me on the phone" she said with tears now running down her face.

"So, it is true then!" Rod said, lifting Leo in the air. "And you worked for this rich guy who's on TV nowadays all the time, right?"

Leo stared straight into this gorilla's eyes. He couldn't hide his fear and, like he predicted, he could tell so as well.
"The only thing I hate more than the disgust gay men give me are gay men who do as some rich brat tells him to" he screamed. His voice was strong and Leo felt as though it made the whole room vibrate.

Rod rose his fist and the next thing the hazel-eyed man remembered was lying on the ground with his face aching as hell. He coughed two times and saw Rod rising his foot, just before it hit him in the stomach as well. He flew several inches away and was hit against the wall, 'til he laid on the floor again, trying to catch some breath. He coughed again and could hardly open his eyes. He felt blood appearing in his mouth, but didn't manage to get rid of it. He also felt it running down his head like sweat. Carefully he raised his head very slowly. He felt his own powers vanish and his whole body starting to shake, though he doubled up on the ground holding his stomach. He couldn't breath, so no thought about talking to this guy.

In the corner of his eye he saw Rod rising his fist once more and pressed his face to the ground, closing his eyes and awaiting the next painful smash.

But just as Rod was about to hit Leo again, another hand grabbed after his and hold him back.

"That's enough now" a voice behind him said.

Leo, with his face still pressed to the ground, opened his eyes wide in shock. He would recognize that voice always and among thousands of other people.

Everyone was silent at once, staring at the stranger. Rod turned around in a fury.

"Who are you to decide this?" he screamed.

"I've called the police and when they arrive here, you will have to explain what you're doing here" the man smiled. "I guess another two years in prison will be just fine for you, you know, meeting old buddies and stuff." He grinned.

Rod looked at him for a minute. "You… You didn't call the cops" he said.

"Hmm" he shrugged. "We shall see in a few minutes."

Suddenly Rod stepped back a few inches.

"Hey pal, this was just fun. You know. Me and my buddy Bloom playing around a little, right guys?"

All of the other employees who stood around Leo and Rod nodded nervously.

"Well, I'm sure the officers will be glad to hear that" the man said and grinned even more.

"Nah, come on" Rod tried to defend himself. "There's nothing but a few scratches on him. Stuff like this happens sometimes. Bloom, tell him I didn't mean it."

Leo, who still laid on the ground not moving a muscle, didn't say a word but kept staring wide-eyed into space.

Rod giggled insecurely. "All right, if that's all, I will continue work then. Plenty to do" he said and vanished quickly into the kitchen again, with the other men following him without a sound.

The man looked after them and then turned to Leo. He knelt down.

"Are you all right? Let me help you" he said, grabbing after him.

But Leo, suddenly able to move his arm, pushed him away.

"Don't touch me!" he whispered with nearly no voice. He closed his eyes in pain and tried to stand up, while his whole body was shaking enormously.

Again, the man tried to help him, putting his hands on his back to support Leo.

"I SAID DON'T TOUCH ME" Leo suddenly screamed with the loudest voice he could accomplish.

It took some time, but he finally managed to stand up. Rosie hold a handkerchief towards him, which he took. He gave her a dark look and rubbed the blood away from his mouth.

"What happened? Why did he do this?"

Leo looked at this man in front of him with an even darker look.

"What are you doing here, Max?"

~to be continued~