„Don't say what you're about to say
Look back before you leave my life
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby, Think twice"
"You're bleeding" Max said with a worried look on his face. "Maybe it'll be safer if you go and see a doctor."
Leo stepped back. There was no way he could allow this person to help him in any way. Plus, he didn't answer his question. He hadn't seen him in three years and had avoided anything concerning him, and all of a sudden he stood there; out of nowhere and didn't seem surprised to see Leo here. How did he manage to find out where he lived? He didn't leave any signs, he was sure.
"What are you doing here?" Leo asked again.
"I …er…I want to talk to you" he answered quietly. He gestured with his hands. He always did, when he was nervous or tried to explain anything. "You know, about…"
"I don't wanna talk to you" Leo answered precipitantly. He didn't notice, but as he said that he shook his head slightly. Anger arose inside of him, but not due to Max, but to himself abandoning his own decisions in that very moment.
"But you…"
"No! Stop that!" Leo yelled and turned around. "Please, go away." Those words were not more than a whisper. He felt dizzy and leaned against a wall. This wasn't true. Maybe he didn't wake up this morning and was dreaming again. But then, the pain in his whole body, especially in his head seemed too real to be imagination.
"What's that noise about, eh?" Joe appeared in the door. "Bloom, why do you scream like… what happened to yer face?" He literally jumped to Leo, put one hand on his face and forced him to look him in the eyes.
"Did ya fall?" he asked. "Hit yer head anywhere?"
Leo looked at him with a spaced-out look. Then he nodded slightly. "Yeah, I bumped my head."
"Well, then ya should go home and rest. Ya don' look well a'all" the huge man said.
"What? Leo, why don't you…" Max interrupted them, but didn't finish his sentence.
"Who are you?" Joe wheeled around. He wasn't all too pleased with a stranger standing there, nor did he like to be interrupted. "Bloom, 'tis a friend of ya?" He pointed to Max with his thumb while looking at Leo again.
Leo on the other hand moved his head only a little to stare from Joe to Max.
"No" he said. "I haven't seen him before."
"What? How can you say that?" Rosie finally dared to come closer. "You could at least…"
"Well, enough o'that! I don't want anyone else but me employees here" Joe said. "Bloom, you go home now and do something with your face. I will kick you to a doctor if ya don', ya here me?"
Leo nodded. Then, Joe turned to Max and Rosie. "And I must ask you to leave, Sir. No one's allowed back here."
With those words, he vanished again and left nothing but silence. Max looked after him a little suspicious, while Rosie kept staring at Leo in disbelief.
He still stood, leaned at the wall with his eyes closed. His body ached and he didn't feel too well. Was it due to the bruises he got just minutes ago? He doubted that, if he was honest. It started again. This horrible feeling of not knowing what to do or to say. And the silence between the three of them didn't improve this situation pretty much. As a matter of fact, he wished someone would say anything, just to break through this nothing which kept surrounding him. Yet, at the same time, he didn't want anyone to say anything. He wanted them to vanish and forget he'd ever existed.
Slowly, Leo moved away from the wall but staggered awfully. He didn't realize he was moving, but he knew he had to find a hole to hide in. He wasn't brave or strong or whatnot, he just remained a coward, as much as he tried to change that. Or was exactly the confession to himself about being that way the strength that made him who he was?
The door wasn't that far away. He took the steps up the stairs carefully and vanished through the door outside.
Max remained motionless where he was and silently looked after him.
"I can't believe you're also giving up that easily" Rosie addressed him now. "You just let him go?"
Max turned his head towards her.
"You're Rosie?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Well, then I should thank you for your call" he said calmly. "I guess I'd never found him without that hint."
"Are you going to let him get away again?" she asked, not believing his calm way of speaking to her.
Max closed his eyes, sank his head and smiled.
"You…You don't happen to know where he lives now, do you?" he asked without rising his head again.
Rosie was slightly astonished about this. Was he kidding? What did he plan? Talk to him again or did he just ask this to know? He didn't give the impression to jump after him and hold him back for some reason. If Leo's story was really true, did he just want to hurt him again or not? She didn't know how to judge him. Although, why did she call him then, if there wasn't a spark of doubt about Leo's story. After all, there are always two points of view.
So, she nodded.
"I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe
La luce che tu hai (The light you have)
I pray we'll find your light
nel cuore resterà (will be in the heart)
and hold it in our hearts.
a ricordarci che (to remember us that)
When stars go out each night,
eterna stella sei (you are eternal star)"
Leo arrived at his place in what seemed hours to him. He closed the door behind him without noticing and walked into his bathroom. He placed himself in front of his mirror and watched his head. It really didn't look too good actually. Leo took his time to wash his face clean of blood and dirt.
'Damn. This silly gorilla' he thought. 'I didn't even do anything that offended him.'
After drying his face he looked at it again. He knew the red marks on his face would turn black and blue the next days.
'Great. Why did Rosie say anything at all? She promised not to' he thought a little annoyed. 'They heard her on the phone. Huh. Why would she tell anyone on the…'
He suddenly looked up as if he'd remembered something.
"She called him" he said aloud. "No, no, no. This is impossible. Why would she call him? Unless…"
He quickly moved from the bathroom to the living-room. The papers on his table were still there and he looked through them as though he feared something might be lost. No, there was no hint of any paper he might've forgotten there. How on earth did she found Max's number? It wasn't there and he was certain he didn't tell her anything like that. Could this be?
He nodded. Yes, this was quite possible. Why else would Max have appeared here after three years, in which he obviously didn't care at all where Leo went. More importantly, why would he care now? True, Leo left, but nonetheless he's had a reason. And now he really had the cheek to appear here and bring his life totally out of balance. Was this Rosie's fault?
Leo sighed. No, it wasn't. Actually the only one who had to be blamed was himself. Why did he tell her after all, when secretly he knew something like this would happen. It always happened when he trusted someone. He wanted to abandon this; he vowed to himself long time ago and failed again. It wasn't Rosie, it wasn't even Max. No, it was him. What now? Should he talk to him or at least listen to what he had to say or stick to hiding in some place without any friends ever again?
One look outside the window and everything seemed clear to him.
No! Not for all friendships in the world would he let his past reach him again. This chapter was over and did he miss it? No, not really. He had to admit, he was kind of happy here in this little flat, with people around him who didn't know who he was or at least gave a damn about it. When he started to get to know Rosie better, he even felt a certain sympathy for her, in an odd way. Maybe this was it. The thing he was born for. He was wrong about Rosie, he knew that now, but maybe everyone needed some mistakes to learn and grow.
Another thought crossed his mind just then. What if he wasn't at all wrong about Rosie. What made her call this man after all? No one really would call someone as famous as Max out of boredom, besides the fact that his number wasn't at all easy to get. Didn't she swear she'd never tell anyone of this? Maybe he did judge her wrong after all. But he couldn't forgive her, bringing the last person he wanted to see in this world back into his life.
Leo was shaken awake from this thought rather hard, when suddenly his doorbell rang. He tip-toed to the door of the living room and stood there, looking in the direction of his front door. No, he didn't really want to see anyone. No matter if this was the guy who brought the mail or some neighbor. He would just pretend not to be at home. After all, he usually was at work now.
It rang again.
"Leo, come on. I know you're in there" he heard a quite familiar voice. Leo closed his eyes and sank his head with a look of pain. Not again. He didn't even wonder where Max got his address from. He definitely judged Rosie wrong. Why wouldn't they all just leave him alone?
He leaned against his wall again, still looking down. Max tried it time after time. He just wouldn't give up. How typical. Well, he wouldn't be Max if he'd give up that easily.
Leo honestly thought about opening the door and listening to him, but as soon as he pictured Max, he saw the empty space next to him in the morning again, as well as he heard the convinced words of Max telling Roger everything or the broken window he had looked at. And he felt exactly the way he did just that moment again. There was no way he could possibly open that door. Even if he really wanted to, he just couldn't.
He put his hands over his ears and sank to the ground. With his eyes slightly opened he felt like starting to cry any moment.
"Please, go away" he desperately whispered more to himself than to anyone else. He put his head on his knees and tried hard not to hear the voice of Max or the doorbell. He tried to just pretend he wasn't there. He felt tears running down his face in desperation. He just didn't know what to do. And he had no one in the world to help him.
"Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Well, I tried but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed, if you tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know"
Max on the other hand was determined not to give up. After he convinced Rosie to tell him where he lived and, surprisingly she lived next door. He surely wouldn't just walk away without having said what he wanted to.
"Leo, please" he said. "At least listen to me. You don't have to say anything."
Nothing!
He knew he was there. He'd been fast enough to see Leo enter this house, so Rosie definitely must've told the truth. She called him after all and it didn't seem to be easy for her to really reach him. That's what she told him. So, there was no point in a supposed lie.
He knocked on Leo's door once more, but still there was no answer. Max let his arm fall slowly and looked down to the ground.
"For God's sake, just hear me out" he said quietly. "You can hate me afterwards, but you need to know."
So, he leaned his head against the door. What to do now? Staying there until Leo decided to come out again? He must someday, after all. What if those bruises on his head caused something worse than just ugly marks and he collapsed or something and just couldn't move? Max looked worried to the door as though he hoped to see through it if he tried hard enough. But no, surely not! There couldn't be something really wrong with Leo. His Leo! Or at least he hoped so. He still could kick himself for not saying what he needed to say three years ago, before Leo went away. Before five little words made his life crash, until it couldn't be fixed any more. He carried on though, but still there wasn't one day he didn't regret what had happened.
Maybe it was selfish what he did. Okay, he had walked every day through the streets, hoping to see a sign of Leo anywhere. Hoping, but not really searching for him. So, how could he expect him to listen to him now after such a long time? And wasn't the real reason he wanted to do this because he had to ease his conscience? It might seem so, he must admit that. But he felt like owing Leo something. The truth and a proper explanation, if he had nothing else to offer. But how on earth should he realize that, if he didn't even manage to talk to a mousy little cowardly accountant? This schmuck.
Max sighed.
No, he wasn't like that at all. The only one who had been a coward and a silly loser in every inch of his life was himself. He really just began to live since Leo was around. Everything before kind of vanished into darkness and there was no way he could see a path that lead into a future without him. But since Leo clearly had made his decision, he had to accept that and live this empty life again. But he wanted him to know before they parted forever.
"Leo" he whispered and sat down on the stairs.
"You are were?" Roger screamed to the phone. "You must be kidding me! What in heaven's name are you doing in New Jersey?"
Carmen stopped for a moment as he just entered the pompous living-room with two cups of tea. He listened carefully, since Roger managed it to scream the whole neighborhood awake with this call. It must either be something important or something rather annoying, which in this moment was more likely to be the case. He put the cups on the table in front of them carefully and somehow managed to be as quiet as a mouse.
"Max, you can't stay there when the preview is only two weeks away" he said, now a little calmer.
"Max?" Carmen mouthed and Roger just nodded in his direction, while still listening to Max on the phone.
The slender man loved this look on his face. He was concentrated and tried to get every word, secretly remembering every single one of them, he knew. Mostly, Roger would stare slightly to the ceiling while doing this and started to bite his lips softly. It was funny, since he never noticed this. Carmen once tried to tell him how cute he looked, but actually never got more as an answer than "I do this?"
Roger didn't notice, but that was okay with Carmen as well. So, he had the chance to discover more and more small, sweet details about him he kept within.
"Leo's there?" Roger sounded surprised. "Oh well, then I guess I could spare you for around three more days, but I insist you come back then. What?... Oh, I do have the right to tell you where to go or not, since we're in production! No, I don't see this to be exaggerated!"
Carmen looked up from his tea a little surprised. Max? He'd been gone two days ago without leaving a note or anything. He remembered Roger stamping around furiously and getting even more nervous than he usually was. And what's that talking about Leo? Leo had been gone three year ago. It didn't seem as though he'd come back by any chance. New Jersey?
"Okay then. A week!" Roger finally said and hung up.
"Well?" Carmen stared at him.
"He's in Jersey" Roger said, looking puzzled.
"What's he doing there? I heard something about Leo. Our Leo?"
Roger nodded. "He's there."
Carmen's eyes widened. "What's he doing there?"
"I dunno. I don't even know why he's there all of a sudden. He's had no clue where Leo could be nor did he seriously try to find him" Roger shrugged and took a swallow of tea.
Carmen deliberated as well. Such a sudden action wasn't exactly typical for Max and for one thing Roger was absolutely right. He didn't seem to care a lot when Leo went away. He continued working without ever mentioning him again.
"Do you think he just wanted to see him again?" Carmen asked.
"Possible" Roger answered without looking up. "He was kinda different after Leo left."
"Was he?" Carmen didn't notice much, except for bad moods now and then and the fact he was quieter than before, but this didn't mean anything, did it?
"You should've seen his face when Leo went. He was sort of shocked, just as though he didn't even mean a word he said before, but he never admitted anything. I asked him shortly afterwards if he really told me the truth or just didn't want me to know. He didn't answer until now, just so you know."
"Want you to know? What?" Carmen asked.
"I think he loves him" Roger answered, leaned back and closed his eyes.
Carmen gave him a shocked look. Then he slowly shook his head while not taking his eyes off of Roger.
"No way! I mean, come on! Max being gay? He's the straightest person I've ever met in my life" he said totally convinced of his own words.
But Roger silently shook his head. "I think it's exactly that. And since no one suspects this, he tries to keep it a secret. I guess he didn't even tell Leo and now he feels the urge to tell him before he never gets a chance again."
Carmen sat on the ground upright. This was way too exciting. If it really was the way Roger said, there must be a chance Leo might think so as well. Why else did he run away? He must've felt hurt a great deal after overhearing the things Max said to Roger that morning. He didn't know the details, just what Roger had been able to tell him, but all of this would make more sense than this 'pretending-nothing-happened' shit Max performed for years now.
"So, what now?" Carmen asked after a while.
"Whaddya mean?"
"I mean, does he need help or why did he call here?"
Roger grinned. "I think it's more my unbelievable personality that made him shiver in fear he thought about when not showing up here in two days."
Carmen gave a loud laugh. "You think a lot more of you than anyone else I guess." His little provoking smiles from the corner of his mouth always made Roger jump, no matter how often he told himself to ignore them. That's all Carmen wanted to achieve with them after all.
"Funny, I thought you'd think the same of me" he answered and pouted his mouth.
Carmen smiled, stood up and moved over to him. He swung his arms around him and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "'Course I do."
"Well then, let's hope the two of them find their peace after that, even though it might not be our way" Roger said.
"All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
Try as they may, they can never defy
What's been said between your heart and mine
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best, when you say nothing at all"
"Is this going on forever?" Rosie asked a little annoyed. Leo just took a bunch of dishes and walked past her without the slightest notion he even noticed her.
"Leo, I told you I am sorry. I couldn't suppose they stood behind me and listened to ever word I said" She followed him, gesturing wildly. Leo just put down the dishes and again walked another way without noticing she even was behind him.
"Nargh, Come on! There's no way in solving this when you keep ignoring me" Rosie just wouldn't let go of this topic. She wanted Leo to talk to her again and she surely wouldn't give up as easily as Max. No way!
But all she earned was a sinister look from Leo as he passed her again. She bit her lips. Okay, this was enough.
"Listen, I am really sorry, I know I shouldn't have talked to anyone about what you've told me, but this was important. I…"
Leo rushed around: "Why did you call him, Rosie?" His voice was strong and anger laid in it.
"What?" Rosie stood speechless in the middle of the kitchen, not taking her surprised eyes off him.
"I know it was you who called him here. Why?" Leo said shortly.
"How did you…?"
"It doesn't matter how I found out. How could you do this after you promised me not to tell anyone. I expected you to believe me and what's the first thing you did? Calling him; the one I didn't want to see at all" Leo held himself back a great deal. He didn't want to yell. That would show he still cared too much about this and this'd make Rosie and Max win.
"Well?"
Rosie quickly shook her head as if she just remembered she had to answer.
"I am sorry" she said. "I thought it might help you in any way just to talk to him or at least listen to him. He seemed very grateful when he heard you're here."
"Wow" Leo answered sarcastically. "He didn't seem to care the years before now, did he? What made you think this'll help in any way?"
Rosie's mood sank immediately. She took a deep breath and shouted: "Well then, Leopold Bloom, live with it! But keep in mind that you will never be able to live the life you want when you not give this a rest!"
"I certainly will after some time without any silly girl sticking her nose into my business!" he suddenly shouted back.
"Fine" Rosie was outraged. "Well, then you won't have this problem any more in no time!"
"Fine!"
Then, she walked away without saying another word to him. Leo angrily looked after her for a few seconds and returned to work.
The evening was rainy and the night fell way too quick. Leo had just arrived back home and dried his hair after he had to walk home in pouring rain, when suddenly his doorbell rang again.
"No" he rolled his eyes. "Why doesn't he give up?"
He was about to decide to ignore it another time, when he heard a familiar voice calling for him.
"Leo, open the door, please. It's me!"
He leaned back just to look surprised out of his bathroom door.
"Carmen?"
He hurried to the door and unlocked it. It really was Carmen who stood there in front of him. Damn, did this girl call the whole neighborhood?
"What are you doing here?" he asked gloomily. "I don't wanna talk to you or anybody else!"
He was just about to close his door again, when Carmen held him back.
"I didn't do anything that hurt you, remember that. There's no use in cutting me out."
Leo thought for a moment, then opened the door a bit more and stepped aside to let the other man come in.
Carmen looked around while standing absolutely still in the hallway.
"Hmm… Pretty different how you live here" he said.
Leo was rather annoyed by his presence.
"What are you doing here?" he asked again.
"Looking how you are" Carmen smiled.
"Aren't you supposed to be in some theater or something?" Leo said, turned and walked into his living room, while Carmen followed him.
"I actually had to do some meetings today. Gotta do your job now more often. So, I thought I'd surprise you with a visit."
"Yippee" Leo answered unmotivated. "And now the real reason!"
Carmen sighed and fell into Leo's arm-chair.
"Well, fact is no one knows I'm here."
"How did you find here anyway?"
"Wasn't easy, I assure you" he grinned again. "Luckily, Max stays in some hotel and the hotelier couldn't shut up, so it was in one of the Gossip-magazines. All I had to do is to go there and then ask my way around in case anyone knew you by any chance."
Leo watched him, but didn't say a word. The smile suddenly vanished from Carmen's face as he discovered he couldn't really get through to Leo.
"Well, forget about that. What about you? You don't look too good, if I'm allowed to say that" he said more serious. "How's life?"
"As if you would care" Leo answered without really looking up.
"Hey, I didn't know where you went as well as no one else knew. Also, there was no sign you were here or in any other state, country or even still alive."
Leo sighed and looked down, while shaking his head slightly.
"Look, I guess it's better no one of you ever appears here again" he said quietly. "And I really mean no one. So, you can convince Max to give up and move on. I don't wanna see any of you or even talk to any of you again:"
Carmen let him finish his sentences and added: "Well, Roger and I don't have much to do with the fight between the two of you."
Leo stood up and moaned. He put his hands on his face and walked two or three steps.
"Don't you see, this is exactly what I mean."
"I'm not following" Carmen said while watching up to him.
"Just this….." he sighed again. "Forget it!"
"No, come on" Carmen said eagerly. "Tell me what you wanted to."
"It's just this here. I am again talking about you and Roger and …and Max even though I don't want to. This all is behind me and I don't want to start it anew."
Carmen smiled again. "But don't you see that you can't run away? Obviously there's a subconscious reason you didn't move to the last corner of the world, but here."
"A what?"
"Yes, it's exactly that isn't it?" Carmen smiled now even more. "You can't forget even though you try. Maybe you haven't noticed yet, but I guess you do want to talk about it, either to forget or to clear things up."
Leo shook his head. "I guess it's better you go now."
"No, no! I'm right, I can see that" the smaller man answered. He stood up and put his hands on Leo's shoulders. "Don't you notice why you'd had to run away after all?"
Leo was petrified. He felt as though his whole body was shaking and felt as though he would either start to scream any minute or to cry hysterically.
"I think, the reason you felt hurt that much and you only saw this solution is that you care even more for this man than you thought" Carmen continued and looked him straight in the eyes.
Leo shook his head, though he couldn't escape Carmen's grip. "No!"
That was only a whisper and he couldn't say any more about that.
"I know he does" Carmen said and let go.
"He doesn't care about anything" Leo said, supporting himself on the arm-chair and looking down with wide eyes.
"Hmm, did you coincidentally read the plot of the musical we produce right now?" Carmen grinned again. That grin. How he hated it. He'd hated it years ago and hated it now. He wished he could stop him from grinning, but nothing he would say could possibly cause such a miracle. So, he shook his head again.
"You should" Carmen said and threw a magazine on his table. Then, he turned and silently left the flat. Leo only dared to move when he heard the front-door closing silently.
He turned his head a little, scarcely seeing anything since he couldn't hold back his tears now and looked at the cover.
"A new Hit-Musical: the plot and the interviews"
He grabbed it and slowly opened the transferred sites. What was this? This guy always laid his paths but this time he even managed Leo to fight against his own will and actually did a deeper step into his past.
"The Plot:
After being partners for along time, the two friends Jess and Ben discover a certain sympathy for each other that goes much deeper than just friendship. After one moment of unity one of them commits a mistake; takes one wrong step and their lives change forever as Jess leaves her home and everyone she knew forever. Now, all Ben can think about is to get her back and tell her how he really feels…THINK TWICE!
In Act One…"
Leo couldn't read any more. He felt his face getting hot and his tears falling. He couldn't stop it. Was this reality? Was Carmen right about Max? About himself? He thought about that. Funnily, Carmen as well as Roger, had always been right. Was that why Max didn't give up? Or was this just a joke? Yet, these similarities were more than certain. Maybe he chose this to explain himself even though he hadn't had any clue where Leo was. Did he really judge this wrong all the time?
Leo raised one hand to cover his mouth. He thought another moment.
Max!
He had no choice now. He wanted to know; there was no turning back.
He hurried out of the door, over the hallway and knocked on Rosie's door.
"Rosie!" he yelled. "Rosie, open please! Rosie!"
No answer.
"Rosie, I know I've been mean to you, I am sorry! Please, open the door!"
He simply had to know if she'd told Max to go now or not. She must be at home by now. Why didn't she…? He suddenly felt silent.
With his arm still in the air, Leo moved backwards a few steps. His eyes widened in shock. The last words of Rosie after their fight rang through his mind:
"…you won't have this problem any more in no time!"
No, she couldn't! She wouldn't even be able to…!
All of a sudden, he seemed to remember his feet were made for walking and rushed into his flat again, flung his coat around him and jumped down the stairs. Arrived at the street, he looked to the left and then to the right. Carmen couldn't be too far. He run down the street. There he was.
"Carmen!" he yelled.
Carmen, walking slowly, moved around a little surprised to see Leo behind him.
"What is it?" he asked and put his hand on the bowed Leo, who tried to catch some breath.
"Call the police!"
"It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter"
~To be continued~