I wake up and feel a presence behind me. Literally behind me, I look over and there's James next to me, asleep. He's probably faking it, I don't know. I'm not sure if spirits can even sleep or not. I turn over and stare at him, he looks so real like he's actually here. If I hadn't known how he died, I'd swear he was still here. Still alive, still breathing, still same old James.
It's him but it's not really him. He's lost his warmness, his skin's cold and white. His lips are a faint blue, his veins pop out from his translucent skin. I reach out to touch his face, his face is cold and slightly damp. Like he's slowly drying from the drowning. He open his eyes and looks at me with ferocious intensity, his eyes are a light ocean blue. The colour of the water he drowned in. Images fill my head, the goodbye, the kiss, the drowning, the nothingness. It hits me like a truck, I feel my face change for a second. I see a flicker of pain in James eyes. I think there was pain in mine too, I feel tears well up and betray how I feel. No matter how hard your body hides your feelings, your eyes betray everything.
I try to turn away but James reaches out and cradles my face with his hand, keeping me there, holding me there. Forcing me to tell him everything with my eyes. He looks at me with those intense eyes and searches everything inside me like how a blind person searches a face with his hands, he does with his eyes.
I can't bear those eyes anymore, they burn into me. Tear up my soul, ruin my heart. I shut my eyes, I think to myself "He's not going to stay forever, he has to go sometime". I don't want him to go. I feel a soft touch against my lips, I open my eyes and I see James thumb brush against my lips. It sends shivers down my body, because his touch is so cold and also because this is what he used to do. Every time he saw me, he'd brush my lips with his thumb. I never knew why but he always communicated with touch. He always believed that touch always told more than words. I always believed him and I still believe it.
"Why do you always remember that moment"? James said softly and with a hint of pain.
"Because its the only memory I cant forget" I whispered.
"But its the memory that tortures you the most" James said.
" Then why did you do it" I ask and I knew this would hurt him but I needed to know.
He clambered out of bed and looks at me.
" I was in pain Kelly, I couldn't bear it anymore. I couldn't bear the morphine, I couldn't bear the isolation of the cancer. I didn't want to keep going, I couldn't keep going. I'd go to bed in agony and I'd wake up in agony. All I could feel was the pain in my legs, all I could taste was the morphine. The only thing I could see was no end. I thought death was the only way out. "
I could feel anger rising through my body, I stormed out of the bed. My voice quickly raised.
" But why drowning? look I know it was because you wanted to fight but do you know how traumatic it was to see you drown. To see you thrash in the waves and not be able to save you. Do you know what we went through after the death? The police meetings, the funeral, the court case. We nearly were sent to jail for murder. Do you know how coped after your death. We didn't cope. Davy now lives in a shoddy apartment that he barely leaves. He took all photos of us down, Bill went to heroin to cope, Abby split with him and chose to raise his child alone. They only meet for ultrasound scans. He lost his job because he was shot up all the time, he's not coping. Miles was the worst, we used to walk past water and he would freeze and scream and start hallucinating. He was sent to a mental hospital on account of severe PTSD, he got out recently but he still has bad days. Do you know what I did after Miles carried your dead body on the shore. I held you and clung to you so hard that bruises showed up on your body. I was rocking back and forth holding you until the police showed up and when the police and told me to let go. I clung even more and started screaming and they had to pry me off you. All of us was on the sand clinging to each other and screaming while they put you in a body bag.
We didn't even have time to grieve. We were forced to pack everything up and head to the police station where we were forced to answer a million questions. We were forced to describe the situation that we just went through. They thought we murdered you James that or overdose. The police officers were so brutal and uncompassionate. After the questioning we had to ring up your parents and sister and tell them everything. We had to watch Rebecca and your parents break while we were torn apart ourselves. They screamed and shouted at us and said they hated us. We were forced to be called everything under the sun and had to take hits and punches. Your family hate us now, they believed what we did want right. That they should have had more time with you and they're absolutely right. You broke us James, you broke our friendship, you broke our lives. You broke everything. We all hated you for what you did, we all hated what you put us through. You held our friendship together James, I rarely see them anymore. We are dead inside and dead because of you.
I loved you and still do. I love you more than anything. I always did, you made me feel things that I never believed I would feel. You made me feel loved, that night in the tent. I don't regret that night at all. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the first time I met you. I'm sorry I only told you that week at the beach but you took our lives away with yours. And you will never bring them back".
I looked at him with despair. I felt an intense relief course through my veins. James just looked at me with intensity and pain. He took a step and a step until he was a centimetre away from me. Then he just collapsed in front of me.