pJames grab my waist and holds on with immense force. James crying into my stomach, i dont know what to do. "I'm sorry, i'm sorry. I didnt mean to. I had nowwhere else to go". He looks at me with his beautiful aquamarine eyes. He grabs my shirt and pulls me down, facing him. He grabs my face with his long, slender fingers and touches his forehead to mine. "I'm not going anywhere, ok honey". My body's torn in two, my heart says"Yes, stay i love you and i need more of you" but my head says" No, you're dead. How can this be"?./p

pHe kisses me, not a soft one but with passion and flame. His kiss brings me back to that night in the tent, his tears stain my lips. He strokes my face, like I'm something he,s always wanted and that finally got. He's still crying, his kiss getting deeper. His tongue tracing my lips, he becomes frantic. His hands trailing every inch of my body. I'm getting frantic too, my hands run through his hair. I know he loves it when I do that. I scrape my fingernails lightly at the base of his neck. He moans, I know what he likes. I know his pressure points. He lifts me up, quite easily I should say. He carries me to the bed. He gently lays me down, he kisses me more. I trace every inch of him, he feels the same, boney and I'll but he's different.

He can walk easily, he doesn't limp anymore. He doesn't tire easily anymore, he doesn't rely on the morphine. The light in his eyes is back

James is happy now. I feel my pants loosen. '' No'', I say. James just relaxes and lays on me his head on my chest. ''I knew you wouldn't, after all who'd have sex with a dead man''. I run my fingers through his hair. I used to love doing that, his chestnut brown hair was so beautiful and so soft. Everything about him was beautiful but my favourite par of him is his voice. That sexy baritone voice that sounded like velvet. That night in the tent, when he said my name. It was heavenly. ''You never know, if you love someone you will''. We stayed like that for a long time, ''C'mon, let's go get a coffee. I feel like going out''. I get up, brush my fingers through my hair and put on my most daring coat. A forest green shade, that brought out the green in my eyes. I only wore this coat when I was really happy or when I was in a daring mood. And I was in a really happy mood. '' I haven't seen you this happy in ages'' James says in a light voice. ''I haven't felt happy in ages. We head out, I lock the head out into the soul-refreshing sun.

''The suns nice isn't it''. ''Yeah, but I love the rain''. James rolled his eyes, ''I may be dead but I don't have dementia''. He touched his head, ''I remember''. We walked and we just have this mass conversation about life. ''So how's everyone going''? James asked. '' I don't know, i met them for coffee but that was a few weeks ago''. ''How come you don't talk to them anymore''?. '' They need you, how come you haven't stayed together, that's what friends do''. I stand dead in the street and face him.

''They were never my friends, they were yours. Miles, Davy and Bill never like me as much as you. When you died, I got kicked out. I didn't belong when were together, it just brought back too many memories.''. James wax silent for while, with a concentrated look. ''I never thought that would happen, my death was supposed to bring you closer, not apart.'' I was about to keep going but I shut my mouth. I didn't want to wreck this day. ''C'mon we're nearly there''. I started walking, when I stopped and realized.

People can't see James, they can only see me. Talking to thin air. People probably think I'm crazy. I finally see the look people give me, ''I can only see you can't I"?.
"Yeah, unless I show myself". I roll my eyes, "Thanks James, people know my face and now they're i'm suffering schizo or PTSD". " We're here". I walk in and don't talk to James, talking to air in a crowded area, not something good to do". I order a cappuccino and a donut and I head walk to the park. James keeps talking to me but i Ignore it.

Finally I find a secluded area under a willow tree. Willow trees have healing, I sit down at the trunk and let the tree soak up all my bad energy. "That donut looks delicious", James said. "Yeah well your not gonna have any"

"I miss food, I miss cigarettes, I miss the flame of a bonfire. I miss everything". James said, his face looking up to the sun.
" Yeah well you should have thought of that before you drowned yourself". I taunt James.
"Yeah", James said in a quiet, timid voice.

I finally finish and I pull out a cigarette. I really rely on these, these days. I love the way they calm me down, make me oblivious. Break my thinking, I light it up and I suck it like it was air. " You should really quit, you know"?
" Yeah well it was your fault you got me started"
" Oh how I would kill for one"
I inhale and drawback in his face. It wouldn't hurt him, he takes a long whiff.
" Oh Kells stop torturing me" James yells out.

I start laughing, I laugh hard. James is laughing. We're both laughing, I haven't laughed this much since the bonfire we had.
I stop laughing, I never told anyone this. This was one of my darkest secret. This was one of the main reasons I was tortured afterwards.

"You know I almost drowned once".