pJames is n the bed next to me, staring at my face and massaging my hand with his thumb. I smile at him, my feet intertwined with his. He looks different, he doesn't look as ...dead. His lips werent blue anymore, his eyes weren't so faded. His skin wasn't as cold, he didn't look and feel frail and worn anymore. James looked alive my face fell. "I have to let you go", I thought. "You don't belong here". I get up and put my robe on, I walk into the kitchen and pick up a cigarette and walk out. I lock the door behind me and walk in my robe to the cementary./p
p /p
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pI pick a rose on he way there, I stop in front of James,s grave. I put the rose down on his grave, I see James sit next to me and look at me./p
p"Why are you doing this", James said, his voice hurt./p
p"I have to let you go James", I tremble/p
p"But why, why Kelly" James voice was breaking now./p
p"Because you don't belong here anymore", I didn't look at him.
"I can still be here", James said softly
"No you can't, you made that decision long ago to leave" A tear slid down my cheek.
"But I don't want to go" James cried.
"I'm sorry but you have too" I whimpered.
"NO PLEASE DON'T" James cried
I looked at his grave, it was black with just his name on it and his dob and dod.
"I love you James, I always will" Tears were staining the gravel "But I have to let you go. I have to move on, otherwise I'm going to spend the rest of my life not moving, always think of you and I can't do that to myself". I put the rose at the tip of his stone. I get up, "I'll miss you, I'll never forget your laugh, your smile, everything. I love. Bye"
I hear him crying and begging, I will him out of my mind the only way I know. I think of the day he died.
We're at the beach. I watch Bill lean on James back. James looked so sick, so frail that day. He slowly gets up and says good bye to each of us, he hugs Davy. He speaks to Bill, he comes to me. I start to cry, James tilts my chin up so I look at him. "Thank you so much for what you gave me, never let go of what we've had". I kiss him, I kiss him passionately. I need to remember this
My chin trembles, his lips taste like salt. He pulls away and smiles at me "Do you want me to come in with you"? I whimper. James shakes his head "I want to remember me how I was last night". I nod James smiles at me and he enters the water, we go in as well but only a few centimetres. Davy almost drowns, so me and Bill save him and cling onto him back at the shore. Miles stays with him and we see James laughing and smiling. He waves goodbye at us, I cry and cling onto Davy. We see James go underneath the water, we see him splash and writhe. He goes down.
And he doesn't come up.
I walk away, James is not here anymore. I can't feel his presence. I wipe my eyes and head home. I smoke along the way, I head to bedroom and grab all the photos of James and us and put them in a box. I shove the box all the way behind the cupboard. I make a cup of coffee and sit at the table and think about what to do from then on.
Life gets better from now on/p