Well this is going to be a long one. I don't think I have said this before but I don't own any form of anime or manga.
My eyes snapped open to another white ceiling but this time I forced myself to cherish the whiteness. At least I could see. Before I was in darkness and it brought up memories that I forced myself to forget and ones that I don't recall actually happening. The voices were only murmurs.
In the pitch-black darkness of that plug I-I saw eyes glaring at me. I still saw the one woman who I didn't want to remember reaching out at me. One I know happened; the other I can't recall. Where would I see eyes glaring at me! I hate remembering my mother. It makes me want her again and of course that brings nothing but heartache.
When Misato opened the hatch I swear I saw a large door amongst the blinding light. It was clear as day I saw it. It held a picture of a tree upon dark granite almost metal. It seemed to float in mid-air amongst the whiteness. I instantly felt fear like something terrible lurked behind it; something with eyes that could grab me and pull me in. But then I felt desire as if everything could be solved through that door. And just like that Misato's face broke through. For a second I thought I did not see the door but it is all that flooded my dreams as I finally rested upon the stretcher.
When I was younger I always faulted myself for not saving her. I know it sounds silly but I felt like I was supposed to protect her and I couldn't. I couldn't stop my father from sending me away. I couldn't stop my mother from dying. I was powerless. I was helpless I yearned for power. I yearned for my family. If I could fight for my mother then my father would find worth in me and he would come back. They would come back to me and we could be a family again.
I reminisced about these younger days.
"(sniffle) I want my mommy and daddy back" I cried at my teacher who looked a little nervous while slinging my duffel bag over his shoulders.
"Your father will come back", he said with a shaky smile; obviously not used to seeing me cry. He gave me a tentative pat on the head.
"No he won't they are both gone", I said in anger and my sobs increased.
A headache started to form and an image cut through my memory and melded with the old one.
"You must forget about your father", a man with golden hair and golden eyes spoke. "He is a coward. He is not worth being called a father. He is especially not worth you".
"I…am your new Father", he said with a smile "You must trust me". I stared on. Something was wrong and I did not answer. I think I was afraid of him.
"Your Father does not deserve you. Neither does your mother", he continued. I felt a small amount of pain on my right cheek as my lips were forced into a frown as the mentioning of my mother.
"They both abandoned you", he said solemnly.
"But I won't", he chuckled with his deep baritone voice "You crave power to fight and power to stand. You crave the power to live".
He held me in his arms "You'll be my pride and joy".
"Pride and joy", I mumbled. Why did that ring a bell?
I rolled over in my bed wincing at the apparent injuries. I had become use to the memory intrusions. They were frequent and I began to question my real existence. My past was fuzzy. I thought it was because most of the time I had no friends. No interest and my teacher did nothing to increase my enjoyment in life. I was in a haze and thus it made sense that everything was blurry. Nothing worth remember. I didn't really care about it until now. My past memories stop at a certain point and become extremely fuzzy. I remember my father abandoning me as clear as day but some time afterwards with my teacher I cannot remember. I wonder if they are real or did I make them real…these other memories. These invasive memories became clearer every time and I can no longer tell what is real or not. A sharp pain cuts through my ribs and I painfully roll onto my back.
Ritsuko told me that while my arm and leg are not broken they are a little bruised. Not that good about my ribs though. I have 2 cracked and 1 bruised. It will take a while for those to heal. I have one fracture in my right pinky finger from beating on the door to get out. Overall, I'm not too dinged up. The rest are just bruises. I was told Ayanami was way worse off during her activation of Eva-00. Actually the only thing that is hurting is my left arm and right leg. They are absolutely throbbing. It is not even the whole appendage; just right at my middle thigh for my leg and at the joint for my arm. I know there is nothing serious but they hurt more than my ribs at the moment.
Hopefully I could be out the same day like before. Again I am not hooked up to anything and I am really missing my home. I swing my legs off the bed, cringing at the quick pain, and pull myself up. Trying to be careful of my ribs. I notice that I am naked this time. Last time they at least had the decency to put me in a hospital gown, bastards. I lean over and try to inspect my leg and I notice a faint mark that is lighter than my skin. I brush over it and it is raised. It is a scar. "When did I ever get that scar?" I mumbled to myself. Upon further inspection I found another and another and soon I found large scars littering not just my one appendage but my whole body. I gasped at one scar. It cut across my chest. It was reminiscent of where the scar would have been had that one memory played out. The one where the guy who looked exactly like Officer Munroe would have cut me. I began to shake. W-was it real? I stopped the impending panic attack with a more fervent search for more scars.
The only body without a scar was my left arm and right leg. The scars were quite faint. Only a slight discoloration in comparison to the rest of my skin. The one at my joint was large though. It spanned across almost towards my neck. I wonder if any of the other doctors noticed them. I think Dr. Akagi only deals with problems during a battle so I am left up to the other Nerv staff.
I racked my brain trying to bring up a memory that would explain at least some of the scars and I came up with nothing just bits and pieces and some were forced memory. I could only recall the memory of the Munroe look-alike slashing my chest. The rest were fragments of white coated people with needles and surgery devices. I know I was fishing for straws. I believe I am slowly coming to terms that maybe something happened during my childhood that I don't remember. I can't remember.
The memories I have are too invasive and too clear. The voices, though a sign of insanity, are becoming strangely comforting over these last few days. I raised my head and stared at the sunlight shining through. It was warm and brought a small smile to my face as another memory passed through.
"I've always liked bluejays. I've always like the color blue and they have the best morning songs", a man with golden hair and golden eyes said with a very warm smile. I was eating pancakes and eggs. A glass of orange juice sat half full next to me. I turned and looked out the window at the small blue bird picking berries off of a bush. It was joined soon by another.
"I don't like birds", I said with malice that should not have been matched by my child-like voice. He looked over at me with a disturbed curiosity.
"They always fly away and leave. All birds fly away and leave", I said still looking at the ever growing mass of bluejays feasting upon the bush.
I heard a deep chuckle and I felt a warm hand placed atop of my head "Not every bird leaves. Not every person leaves. Like birds…like all animals…like all humans…we have family and friends. I know for one thing that I will never leave you". I turned by eyes away from the birds and looked into his sincere eyes. There I knew I was loved.
Before I could stop them I felt warm tears travel down my cheeks. My smile crumbling as my heart ached for…I don't even know who for…I know it had something to do with that person but I couldn't remember their name. I had these memories but I couldn't remember when they happened. I couldn't remember the names or the places. I just had them.
The voices were eerily quiet. For the past few days they have been talking non-stop. Giving me cryptic responses and otherwise annoying me with their cries. Every time I come out of that Eva something weird happens.
What was that conversation the voices were having with the Eva? Why were they fighting? Were they fighting over me? But why? I remember the pressure upon my skull as something was trying to push through but I also remember her. I was so young when she disappeared but I think I remember her voice well. A voice I have tried so hard to forget.
My smile was gone, crumbling to a deep frown as hot tears raced down my face in the warm sun.
(Knock, Knock, Knock)
I half turned my head and the sudden intrusion that I did not feel nor hear arising. I quickly covered part of my naked body with the sheet. I kept my body turned towards the window fearing that the intruder would see my tears. I quickly began to wipe away the wet trails as I answered.
"Hello", I cringed at the gruffness in my voice.
"Shinji", it was Dr. Akagi. Goosebumps arose on my skin at my name. It sounded foreign on her lips. I heard the click of her heels as she walked into the room. "How are you feeling", she said with some amount of concern.
"I'm fine. A little sore but fine", I answered turning my head away from the only path she could take to reach my vision.
"A little sore is to be expected", I heard a shuffling before she spoke again "You were still a little out of it once I spoke with you before but I wanted to reiterate that 2 of your ribs are cracked and 1 rib is bruised. It could have been a lot worse of course. Your left arm and right leg show significant bruising but your other arm and leg look fine. The x-ray for your left arm and right leg are all clear though", I heard clicks of her heals and a hand touch my left shoulder. My arm twitched but I was able to stay still. I wish she would have told me she was going to touch me.
"These are new…I did not see these during your physical", she spoke with a slight edge to her tone.
"Yeah they are pretty old", my head still turned away "I usually miss them too", I told her. Expecting for her to fully buy the claim since I knew my psychological or even physical welfare was none of her concern. If they could let a half dead girl who is about to bleed to death pilot a monster against another monster their compassion (if they had any left) would not expand to me.
"Hmmm…" she said quietly and I heard pen meeting paper. Her hands were cold and unwanted.
"Your vitals are well and they stayed well during the night. You can leave today if you want unless you are in a large amount of pain which would require you to stay for more observations".
I made snort. "I wouldn't stay in this place even if you paid me too", I thought to myself.
"Right…well…if you are really okay to leave then I will give you your pain medication. It is just a small dose of codeine to help. You will have to be careful with your ribs to make sure they are not injured further. Unfortunately, there is a large susceptibility of acquiring a pulmonary bacterial infection if the lungs are compressed within a brace or wrapped with gauze so we can do nothing but monitor", she ended. I heard a small tap which I supposed indicated the placement of the codeine.
"Though there wasn't really any damage done to the Eva we are going to wait until your ribs have sufficiently healed until the next test can commence. Get better soon Shinji", she said before leaving. I heard the small whoosh of the door closing and once again I was left alone.
"Bitch", I said out loud. I don't know what it is about her but I really don't like her at all. She just gives off a vibe similar…similar to my fa-Commander Ikari…an uncaring, cold and calculating vibe. A vibe that said she would gladly use without any sense of humanity so I can pilot that demon against those other monsters. Why the hell were they called Angels anyway? Anything that just falls from the sky is not called an Angel!
I look over at the chair and once again a plastic bag is resting with fresh clothes sealed inside. I made sure to take at least one pill.
"I'm home", I said to myself and no one in particular as I entered my small apartment. I was told Misato was busy and that she ordered Section-2 to drive me home. They seemed slightly mindless and of course untrustworthy. As if they would perform any order despite the relationship. I hate I have to trust my life in their hands but they only seem to do as ordered. I know they could blow my brains out in an instant but they seemed harmless for now.
I was actually slightly saddened that Misato could not see me. She was one of the few people I felt cared a little about my wellbeing. I heard a soft knock before I could lock my door. I cracked it back open to see Officer Munroe at the door.
"Hello Officer Munroe", I said. Whatever residuals of panic I felt before were washed away with extreme comfort and slight admiration. He acted like he cared a little.
"Shinji!" He said and then placed a hand on my shoulder. It was warming at least…different from Dr. Akagi's frozen touch.
"I was worried about you", he said with true sincerity. His eyes widened after his phrase. I was thrown off guard by his claim also.
"Why", was my simple response. There was no way of him knowing about my test with Eva-01.
"W-well…y-you k-know", he stuttered and his hand jerked from my shoulder to rake through his hair. I began to get suspicious. He didn't seem to be the type to stutter about anything.
"You are the new Eva pilot aren't you", he finally was able to get out. My eyes widened. I was wonder how many other people know about my status. Should I confirm his decisions?
"Yeah I thought that lady leaving had a Nerv emblem on her coat or something and there's no other reason for her to have that", he recomposed himself before fitting me with a friendly but challenging stare.
My mouth was agape. I wanted to confirm but I didn't know if it was safe. He seems to watch me quite closely and I don't know if that is good or bad. It didn't fully explain why he would be worried though. Does Nerv share my information with the police? They don't seem like the-
"Come on. You can trust him. You were friends for heaven's sake"
"Yes", I blurted out after that one solidary voice erupted. I hadn't really heard them all day. They were actually calm all day. I was curious to the phrase "we were friends". I was sure I had never met the guy before but a memory cropped up of his face with a scythe careening towards my frame. I doubt that was a friend.
"There see I knew it", he said tapping his forehead as if he was a psychic or something. "You look like you just got out of a rough patch anyway". I laughed sheepishly ignoring the sudden throbbing in my left arm. Suddenly my stomach decided to grumble.
"Hey", he said with a snap of his fingers. "I just put dinner on, how about I show you my thanks, huh?" a large smile stretched across his face. Before I could protest his arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me into the hallway. My grasp on the door knob officially closed me off from my new home. "W-well O-Officer that is not nece-" I began but was quickly cut off.
"I made a slew of things I know you will like", he began walking and partially dragging me to his apartment. I winced as my ribs cried in protest to the rough handling. He seemed to notice and gave an apologetic smile as his hand was transferred to my hand. He continued pulling my right hand. Again I couldn't help but notice his physique. He was out of his police uniform and just in a dark short sleeve shirt. His arms were…well they were very muscular. He was very muscular but also lanky. There were multiple long scars along the upper side of his forearm. His skin color stood out the most. He was so dark compared to my pale skin. It was like he just stayed out in the sun all day. My eyes travelled up along his equally muscular neck and then to his eye patch. Nausea began to over whelm me as I continued to look at the long black fabric cover his eye. A slight panic rushed up my spine. I closed my eyes as flashes of a place I think shouldn't be in my mind came forward. I didn't want a memory if it was going to be about anything with his eye. I began to break out in a sweat.
"Well we're here", he said and opened his door "Wasn't it even locked", I thought to myself. Well I guess being a muscular police officer makes your fear of being robbed go down a little. He finally let go of my hand as he closed the door and locked it.
I walked into his apartment and I was immediately hit with delicious aromas and beautiful colors. All were familiar but I haven't seen them before right? His apartment was of course larger than mine. His kitchen had almost all back appliances with some steel. The wood was a dark stain and the floors were a grey marble color. I loved it. I was comfortable and all of my previous fears were dashed away again. The nausea and the pain in my leg and arm forgotten.
"Have a seat", he directed me to a darkly stained dining room set. I don't know why but I was very happy and comfortable in his presence suddenly. The voices were comfortable. I think when they feel agitated then it resonates to me and when they feel comfortable then I feel comfortable.
He walked back to the kitchen humming a tune that was slightly familiar.
"So what's it like", he began while cutting up some vegetables for whatever he was cooking "You know piloting that thing".
I frowned "I don't like it really", I began. He simply kept chopping. "It requires some weird psychological things like I have to connect with it to make it walk and it can be disturbing. I can also feel its pain. When the angel hurts the Eva it is like it is hurting me too".
"Oh that must be horrible…I can only imagine. I wonder how psychologically damaging it is like in terms of nerve damage", he starting chopping another vegetable "But it's worth it right…saving humanity and all", he chuckled at the last statement but there was no smile upon his lips
"Of course it is worth it but…I wonder if that is the plan", I had to talk to someone about my worries and I had often thought about the subject since the voices began. Usually in the morning they talk frequently about how they want me to stop something from before. Stop the impact.
"Hm?" His eyes flicker to my form. "I just have a weird feeling or a hutch that…I mean sure they want to save humanity and all but… I don't know, it feels like they want to do more…" I couldn't really voice my opinion because I didn't really know what I was talking about since technically I was going off of what a bunch of voices in my head were saying, O.o.
"I guess it would be hard not to play God with all that power and the problem with that level of arrogance is that it can be easy to forget your own humanity. A good gesture can easily be corroded by those who seek perfection…who want to play God", he spoke with a solemn but convincing voice. I gasped at such a statement as a memory was forced through:
"Humans who would dare to play God must pay a steep price for their arrogance"
I was broken out of such a thought. He placed glass of cold water before me. I was immediately grateful as I could feel the beginnings of a cold sweat break out from the intruding memory. The voice was so familiar. I gulped down the cooling liquid after thanking him.
He was at the stove stirring something. "I guess that could be the problem that I am feeling" in a weird way he had settled that tiny part of my confusion but with it came more. "Then what is an Evangelion exactly… a tool to play God…is it really a tool to save humanity".
"I have no idea what that thing is but it does look pretty cool. Despite its real meaning it is still saving humanity right? ", he chuckled. I immediately placed my hand over my mouth in embarrassment. "I'm sorry I did not know I was talking out loud", I replied sheepishly.
"I guess it could be more than just a tool for humanity since…well I've always wondered what they would do with the things once the angels left", I was once again startled, ignoring my apology. I have never really thought about such a thing. What would happen to me once the war is over? What would happen to Misato or Ritsuko or…or my father? All of their work was for this one event what then? And who controls Nerv anyway…they must get funding from somewhere…I know they are not a private industry.
"Well time to eat", he interrupted my musings with a steaming plate. I could feel my mouth water at the smells. I looked at my meal and was slightly confused. It was nothing Japanese about this food but I remembered it. The fuzzy memory of eating the same thing from the past blurred forward. "Mashed potatoes with gravy, steak and vegetables", I thought to myself. I looked up at Leon who had already filled another glass of water and was beginning to sit at the other end of the table with his own meal.
He gave me a warm smile before lifting up his glass of water "To the pilot who, forgetting about his own welfare, is saving humanity", I stalled for a moment at the sudden toast before slowly picking up my glass "It's nothing really…but thanks", I finished. He frowned slightly before taking a sip and plucking up a portion of his mashed potatoes. I realized that I had probably been staring for too long and that not eating would definitely be considered rude despite whatever culture. I too took a sip and plucked the mashed substance off the plate. The minute it hit my mouth I wanted more. The food was comforting and it was frazzled with blurry memories of eating the dinner before with happy voices. I was happy for the comfort.
"Geez kid there is more, you don't have to eat so fast", I heard a chuckle. The fork was mid-way to my mouth before I noticed that I was devouring the food like a starved madman. I remembered that I didn't really eat the food at the hospital nor did I eat dinner the previous night. I think I've only had breakfast so far. Not a good start to a new life.
"So I think the Commander of Nerv's last name is Ikari right. Are you guys related?" I cringed at the question but continued "Yeah that guy is my father" I replied with an uneasy tone.
"Well that must be weird…sending your son out to fight a monster. If it is true that few children are chosen to pilot the Eva then I guess it can't be helped. He must be worried though", he said. I could almost draw blood from my right hand because it was clenched so tightly. "You are wrong", I began with clenched teeth "He doesn't care about me. He only sees me as a tool to fight against those monsters. He abandoned me as a child and left me". I heard silence…realizing that my sudden anger not only surprised me but probably him too I quickly looked up expecting another surprised face. But instead he stopped eating and was looking out his balcony window. The moon was beginning to rise as the sky was littered with dark blue chasing pink and purple colors away.
"I didn't have a good relationship with my old man either", he began "I've often wondered though if it was because of malice or inability", he then added. I had begun to eat my steak to feign normality for a moment but as always his comments stopped me. I know I had a confused look on my face.
"I have met many humans who just don't act human. Either they do inhumane things or they simply don't socialize well. It is like part of them just can't be human because of their past life…as if their trauma was so great that it has distorted their view of humanity. So I wonder if my father acted the way he did because he really didn't care about me or if he just didn't know how to be a father and didn't try", his sharp eyes turned to me "Not everyone has the capability of being a father. Everyone definitely has the capacity to have children but to be a parent is different. That often requires stability and great strength, Shinji".
I could only stare back. I had never thought of such an occurrence. Was that the reason? I began to wonder and continue to chew my food. My father just could not be a father, at least, without my mother beside him. I can't really remember how he acted after my mom disappeared but I do remember a lot of sadness.
We ate in relative silence the rest of the meal. I was so deep in thought at all the revelations that this one meeting had created. "So ready for desert", he stated with exuberant eyes. I nodded fervently trying to convey my gratitude. He took my plate which was pretty much bare and placed both mine and his in the sink. He stood in the kitchen fixing the desert.
"Hey Officer Munroe, wh-"
"Hey call me Leon",
"Okay…Leon…where are you from?"
"Oh I was born in Osaka, and then I moved to the states for a while, then came back to Tokyo-3", He said simply.
"Have you ever been out of Japan, Shinji",
"No…I've always been around in Japan", I stating slightly embarrassed at my boring life.
"Really?" he probed with deep curiosity in his voice.
"Yes?" I said with a questioning remark. I-I'm sure I've always been here.
"No you haven't" a voice piped up.
"Yes I have" I retorted angry at the sudden intrusion.
"I was actually kind of afraid of returning to Japan. People became so crazy after the 2nd impact and then that nuke went off. For one there was this prison system. It was really big a few years after the 2nd impact. It was big in Russia. Actually it started immediately after the impact. In an effort to both crackdown on criminals to lessen the large amounts of crime happening around the world and also to create some type of entertainment for the masses a private prison was created. The prison monopolized and drew financial success from the populations increasingly decrease in humanity. The place was touted as a Wonderland to the public. It had games, rides and even a Ferris wheel. The public ate it up for a while but it held something sinister".
I gasped and a cold sweat began to break out as he continued. "The people unfortunate enough to be put into the prison lost all rights basically. They had to fight for their lives every day. And the world just watched since the promoters of the prison frequently equated the prisoners as less than human so why care if they were tortured or experimented on. The age didn't even matter. The children were the worst off. They were usually experimented on".
His eyes were casted in a dark shadow as he gave me my plate. On it was a fresh blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream. I was rooted to the spot staring at the pie while my mind wandered.
"You have been charged for 1st degree murder young man. You do not deserve to live freely upon the streets"
"You're going to be subject 250 until you're fighting name is given"
"Your new home will be Block G"
"You just changed from a murderous human being to a murderous freak"
"You have a strong drive to live…strong pride…do you have any last requests"
"It was disbanded roughly three years after it began. There was a massive prison break that finally brought the truth to light. Anyway I was afraid if the theme has spread elsewhere and even with the truth out it was still around. Even after the major disbandment there were still remnants such as prison experimentation and the like", he sat in his chair effectively breaking my thoughts. I was relieved at the intrusion I was tired of breaking out into cold sweats. These memories were becoming more and more disturbing.
"Well enough of that sad stuff", he chuckled "So that woman leaving your apartment was your guardian huh?" he asked taking a chunk out of his pie. I nodded and then broke a small piece of pie slathered with ice cream. "My father is not my guardian so the Captain took his place", I answered before biting into the pie. Nostalgia arose of eating the same desert before…it warmed the coldness and slight fear that had settled.
"Her clothing is a little… risqué but she seems nice", he added. I chuckled at his comment "Yeah she leaves little for the imagination but she is nice". The conversation ended on a happier, sweet tone.
"Well I hope I have showed my gratitude", he began. That comment, the dark night sky, and my tired eyes were my signals that I needed to return home.
"Oh no… I should be thanking you. The meal was delicious", I responded as he walked me to the door. Actually he began walking me back to my room. "Not a problem Shinji. I'm glad you enjoyed it". He placed another warm hand on my shoulder as we walked.
"Shinji!" a familiar voice jutted out amongst the congratulatory conversation. My eyes snapped to an angry/ surprised Misato. "I have been calling you forever. I was just about to call Section-2 to go looking for you. Where have you been?"
I could barely get out a response. I wasn't used to seeing her so angry. "He was with me. I'm sorry I wanted to show my thanks-"His talk was interrupted as I was grabbed and yanked away from his presence. Misato gave the man a hard glare before returning it to me. "You didn't even lock you door. I thought someone had really hurt you", she looked so angry and hurt.
"I promise I would never let anything happen to child", Leon piped up. Her gaze turned back to him "I'm sure sir-"
"Actually officer… Officer Munroe", he replied with a curt nod.
She nodded back and pushed me into the apartment. I barely heard his response. "See ya later kid. If you need anything just ask". The door shut soon after. "Yeah right", Misato said sarcastically.
A strange feeling came over me at the gesture. It had been building up after the past few days ever since…well ever since meeting my father. It was this feeling of being helpless. A feeling that I had minutely experienced my whole life but peaked after my father abandoned me and again presently. It was like I couldn't do anything. The feeling made me so angry. Leon was just trying to be nice. A memory flashed. It was a circle and nestled within the circle was a pentagram and nestled within the pentagram was a triangle. There were words traced around the circle. With the image came a surge of power but also sadness. The sadness was necessary.
I had a really strong urge to draw.
Well that is finally done! Whew, that was a long one. Hope you guys are happy so far. Next time you will get a little more action. I hope I'm not going to slow with the story. I just like building some type of suspense before I dip right into the action. I also hope I am building up my characters well. Please give me a review of you thoughts!