Misato pinched the bridge of her nose. "You were gone for almost two and a half hours Shinji", she began with contained anger. "You didn't call. I called you so many times before just coming over here Shinji! I had called Section-2 and they stated you were dropped off and secure. I…" I was stuck staring at the wall right beside her head. She tapped her foot as she tried to suppress her anger. The helpless emotions that were almost a part of me were starting to make me nauseous. The voices were eerily quiet. I started to become really angry at the emotions. They were developing so quickly almost on par with how the helpless feeling was rising. I felt powerless. I was being chewed out by an adult who does not care about me…it felt like déjà vu. And I really wanted to draw that image. I couldn't though. She stood in my way.
"And who was that guy. Look at me when I'm talking with you kid", her arms were crossed. My eyes flickered towards her. I felt so much anger for this person at this moment. She acted like she cared before but really she doesn't. "I remember him from before", she closed her eyes in thought "the cop from before who was looking at you at the store. Do you know who he is?" she asked. She waited for an answer but anger clogged my throat.
I brought my fist to my mouth to quell the slight tremor in my hand. I bit down on my index finger and I lowered my head to shield my eyes. I just felt so angry…no wait…I was enraged. I was furious. How dare she talk to me like this!
"He looks dangerous. I don't care if he is a cop or not…his eyes, his skin. He looks like bad news and here you are just hanging out with. What does a grown man, a grown muscular man want with a 14 year old boy anyway? Do you really think he just wants to show is gratitude? Think Shinji! I want YOU to report to me every night. I want a check-in every morning and when you get home from school. And if you miss or pull another stunt like tonight I will forcibly require your stay in my care got that kid. Remember you are a part of Nerv now".
My teeth broke the skin. I felt a coppery fluid flood my mouth. My arm and leg were throbbing. He…he's my friend. He was the only one who has shown actual care for me so far. He was actually happy that I piloted the Eva but still concern about my welfare. He even talked to me about my father. I…how…how dare she! How dare she raise her voice when she knows she cares nothing about me? She's just like Ritsuko, just like my father…just like….just like…
A woman with glasses and red hair was pulling straps. There was a tight pressure upon my arms and cold metal on the underside of my body. She looked so happy.
A group of people with surgery equipment hovered over my form. Their masked, expressionless faces provided nothing but fear.
"You're actually quite special ya know…your Sin allows us to experiment on you for as long as we want and you will rejuvenate without any problems. We'll make you even better", a man giggled.
My eyes rose to her retreating form. Her face still contorted in anger from what could be seen of the mirror on the door. Everything was turned into a fuzzy haze. I heard the door close and just like that I fell asleep.
"Wake up"
"Wake up"
"Please Wake-up"
"I don't like the darkness"
"We don't like the darkness"
"Child, regain your conscious"
"It is not worth losing yourself to a monster"
I awoke with a headache. I looked around expecting to be in my bed but instead I was…standing up. I don't know for how long. My legs were shacking and hurt a little from exhaustion. The kitchen light was still on. I shook my head trying to figure out what had happened before I went to sleep.
My eyes focused on my door and I lost my balance.
The door had large claws marks on it. There were many and stretched across the whole expanse of the door. But it did not stop there. My kitchen was a wreck full of these weird marks. The wood was laden with marks spanning from soft abrasions to full deep indentions. The few dishes in the sink were cut into ribbons. I craned my head to the bedroom and even there the damage, though not extensive, was still present. My pillow was a wreck of white feathers. My comforter had a large rip down the middle. The problem that bothered me the most was specks of blood smeared all over the place. It was either inside the marks or slightly outside in a localized spot.
I couldn't even formulate words. Fear immediately set in as I tried to wrack my brain to find the answers.
"Okay", I began out loud.
"Misato was angry with me…she was ranting".
"I remember being angry but…but what happened afterward"
"S-she left and…and what happened…I-I thought I went to sleep"
I sat on the floor trying to stop my shaking from the apparent fear. I grabbed my head again. My door was not open so she must have left. I felt something warm and sticky on my face. I moved my hand away and noticed that it was covered in blood. I could feel it drying on my face. I began to notice that the rest of my body was fine. There were no scratches on my body like there should have been if a…shrapnel tornado thing just ripped through my room.
A memory flooded through.
Misato was walking away towards the door and a one large, no many large crescents that were a deep shade of red went careening towards her frame. They sliced through her coat like butter. One half decapitated her neck-
"No!" I forced myself to push the memory away. "No..no..no that did not happen…I know that did not happen", I told myself over and over again. I think that memory by far was the most disturbing. If that really happened she would be dead right in front of me.
I arose on shaky legs and walked towards the door. The top part of the mirror that was still attached but was cracked with spider webs. I opened the door and made sure that no one was outside. I don't know why but I had this weird feeling about what if she tried to crawl outside to get away. But the rational side kicked in and remembered again that there would be more blood and as of then there was no blood around. That didn't happen. If it did then why would I still be standing? I tried to ignore the fact that the crescent shaped…whatever those things were would have come from the exact spot where I was rooted. I was angry with her but I would…would never do such a thing to another person.
I closed the door and laid my head against the cold mirror. I turned towards the phone lying on my desk. I had to try one more thing. I dialed Misato's number. I only got her answering machine but I left a small message "I'm here" and then hung up. I didn't want to tell her anything and I pushed back the probability that something else could have happened to her. It was like there was this weird force that just screamed distrust about all of Nerv. I didn't want them in my life anymore then it needed to be. But that didn't solve the fact that my room was in shambles, I didn't know who the perpetrator was and I'm fine. Out of all this chaos nothing is wrong with me. I am perfectly fine.
I pushed down the option that maybe something happended to me. I might be crazy but I didn't have any special powers. "Maybe I should report this to the cop", I mumbled to myself. But what was I going to tell him "Well ya know I went to sleep and then awoke a little while later and a tornado hit my room but I'm perfectly fine".
Yep that would go over well with him.
It didn't even go over well with me. None of that makes sense. I exhaled trying to figure out what to do when my eyes lay on my intruder. The mirror. The broken mirror held my intruder.
It…it…it looked like me but no…no it wasn't me. The doppelganger held empty, darker blue eyes. I couldn't make out an iris. The smile upon its face definitely did not belong to a sane person. It was covered in blood. The smile began to fade as the arm began to slip off its body. Literally the arm began to disconnect leaving connections btw muscles then to the sinewy veins until it literally fell off. The eyes changed from pupil-less insanity to pain and recognition. The smile was a deep frown.
I felt my legs give out. My legs already weak and shaking could do nothing to help my weight. I felt my stomach lurch forward and I scrambled towards the bathroom. I emptied all of my contents from tonight. I couldn't stop the dry heaves. I could get the image out of my head. What the fuck was that!? Why did I think of that? The visions, memories whatever the fuck they were…they were never like that. This was never like that.
I arose from the toilet and my body craved the cold water. I ran the faucet and waited to hopefully get the most freezing temperature this apartment could give me and I practically dunk my head under the running water.
"That wasn't a memory", I mumbled to myself. That was just a nightmare. Yes, a nightmare. It was still lingering from my sleep. My sleep standing up…I-I'm so fucked and the worst part is that there is not one I can talk to.
I felt hot tears leak from worn eyes. I couldn't tell anyone about this. I would be put into an asylum. My father did not come looking for me when I was a child so I know he would leave me there. I had to keep piloting that monster. I had to because then at least maybe the voices would go away. They tell me to pilot, they tell me that I have to pilot so maybe once I'm done all of this will go away. No more Nerv, no more crazy thoughts and memories just back to my old bland life. I told myself while ignoring the rising fear that my talk was all in vain. I grabbed my eyes and breathed deeply to increase my calm. It is just a mirror. I will look into the mirror and just see myself…I dropped my hands…
I did not see myself. One hand shot through the mirror and grasped my throat. The eyes teetered btw pupils, consumed fear and anger.
"I'm tired of waiting" It began. The voice was a combination of my own. One that held my voice with a severe hoarseness and the other was deep and rageful.
"I protected you and this is how you repay me. By forgetting about me! I am YOU! I will NOT be ignored. I am not some imaginary person I am a part of you. YOU created me. I want to be remembered. I want to be a part of you again"
The hand tightened around my neck. Blood was dripping freely from its face and dropped onto the ivory sink below.
"We have a mission that WE did not finish. We have a mission to end the arrogant and prideful beings that plague this earth while also protecting those who we cherish"
"I'm not waiting any longer. The more you try to ignore me. The more I will push myself through. I will not become weak again. I will not be differentiated again. I will be you. I will become you. Our blood is too special to be ignored it is too powerful to be ignored. In our blood lies our Sin and in that Sin we have power. Power that the lillum will never obtain"
The being bellowed and ever tightened its hand around my neck. I tried desperately to claw its hand away but it was a hot vice.
"Remember", it finally said before a circle began to be drawn on the mirror. The circle held a pentagram and within the pentagram held a star. I remember it was the same as the image that popped up before Misato started her rant.
My vision began to get blurry as oxygen was slowly cut off. The hand slowly left my neck but I was already too oxygen deprived to keep consciousness. I floated to the ground with my last thought being the phrase….
….alchemy is a Sin.
"Who are you?"
"I am you"
"Who are they?"
"Not you"
"But they are in me"
"Their souls are in you. They are not you"
"Why are they in me?"
"Tried to gain the world lose his soul. They have merely lost their bodies"
"You didn't answer my question. Why are they in me?"
"If you can remember me I can tell you more. If you can accept me I can tell you more"
"You tried to choke me. Why would I accept you more?!"
"I cannot kill you for I am you"
"Didn't really seem to feel that way"
"I am your power when you feel powerless. I am your resolve when you are confused. I am your hope when you feel hopeless. I am your anger when you feel powerless. I am you and you are me. You created me"
"I-I can't create things. I can't create something from myself…that makes no sense"
"From your pain I arose and I protected us until you were ready to accept me"
"Wait how can I not accept you when you are already me"
"I can say no more…maybe they can help"
And the cries from a million mouths that screamed sorrow and defeat arose.
"How can they help me", I mumbled to myself. My head felt like it was hit with a steel bat. It was throbbing and deep. It cut through from the back of my head to the front and swelled around my eyes. I remember I fell on the floor but I was warm. Actually I was on something soft and it was very warm. I forced my eyes to open slowly. It was blurry but I noticed that the room was well lit by sunlight. I groaned as a sharp headache forced through from the sudden intrusion of blurry light.
"Well you finally woke up. I was afraid I would have to call an ambulance or somethin' "
I definitely remember being alone so I forced my body to face the intruder. I immediately regretted the idea because the sun caused a massive headache and I was forced to shield my eyes. I heard a movement of material and a snap before the harsh light disappeared.
I was finally able to open my eyes fully and try to focus my vision.
"You really need to start locking your door kid", it was Leon who was talking and sat on the scarred chair. He looked calm with crossed arms and a cool expression on his face. I immediately looked down and noticed that the warm, soft feeling was from my tattered bed.
I had hoped that maybe the occurrences from the night before were just a bad nightmare but I was wrong. My hand raced to my throat but it did not feel sore or swollen like I thought it should have been with that…whatever the fuck that thing was…wait if I don't have any evidence for the problem then maybe it didn't-
"Think again"
Okay maybe not. I'll deal with that later. But why is this guy so normal. It looks like a serial killer went crazy on something in this room and here he is just as cool as a cucumber. He's not even in his uniform just in a dark green shirt with rolled up sleeves and dark wash kakis.
I gawked at him. He was the statue of calmness as he looked around and focused on certain marks before settling his eyes back on me. Has he seen this before?
"Is…is this something you've seen before", I asked with a shaky voice. He did not answer me; instead he cocked an eyebrow. I didn't understand what that meant.
"Do you remember anything", he ignored my first question. His eye was sharp. I had only seen this once before. I shook my head. "I fell asleep and woke up to this and then I…I…I tripped in the bathroom". My voice was barely above a whisper. Everything especially the last part would definitely sound like a lie.
"Yeah I found you on the floor. Your hand had a bad cut", I looked down and noticed that my hand was nicely bandaged.
He still held his sharp gaze. "This", I gestured with a quick scan of my eyes "Does not bother you at all…how does this not bother you…why are you not concerned or panicky or anything", I asked feeling like I was going insane. Too many cryptic responses, too many strange occurrences and let's not forget the voices that are trying to 'help' me. I'm still too weak to decipher what happened last night.
He let out a frustrated sigh and turned his chair around so that he was facing me directly. He left little room for me to go anywhere. Even to put my feet on the floor. I was caged on the bed. "You really can't remember anything?" he stated while looking sad, frustrated and intense. I shook my head not understanding.
"Carnival Corpse, Deadmen, worm eaters, Scar chain, Undertakers" he began to simply call out words and I didn't know what they were but of course each word brought up an image. A gigantic arena, blood shifting into anything, a large man dressed like a monk with a guitar, a gang of…of friends. I felt another headache as the memories pushed through. He began with a slow speed but gained momentum with almost a frustrated hint to it.
"Come on kid they are in their somewhere: sin, Osprey, Hummingbird, Mockingbird, Game fowl, Owl, candy", the memories were flying through and I could barely remember my name if he asked. It was like they were overriding everything that I had known. That I had thought I had known. Were they even real? I felt the backs of my eyeballs heat up. I felt nauseated again. I…who was I?!
"Stop it", I mumbled through a sob. I barely had enough power to formulate a response. My brain was heavy and there was nothing I could do to stop anything.
"No!" I heard his growl. I felt a strong hand on my shoulder and with it a soft shake. "When I fought you, kid, you had guts. You had a will to survive and remember who you were despite that place. I told you I would never forget you. You have to remember. Whatever memories you had before were a lie!"
And just like that I felt a shift and I remembered who he was.
"Raven", I whispered
And I remembered who I was. My memories were still blurry.
"Osprey. Subject 250. Shinji was a name that was forgotten long ago", his frustrated and hurt eyes lit up while a wry smile spread.
"I was with my sensei but then I was taken away from him", the memory was blurry but I remember being taken from my bed and then to a court.
"I was charged with barely any evidence and sentenced to death", I specifically remember the judges voice. I was so small the chains barely fitted over my wrist. I was…I think I might have just turned four years old.
"Shinji Ikari, due to your involvement in the death of your mother you have been sentenced to death"
I wanted my father so badly at that moment. I still had some hope in him as I wished for his return or at least someone to come to my defense. I can't even remember what evidence they used to prove such a false claim. My death sentence was not via execution or lethal injection but by placing me in that prison. I remember that it was actually a slightly warm climate and the air was dry. I do remember a large amount of Russian conversations between the guards but there were many dialects- what was left of the human race. I remember a lot of Japanese people though. We were frequent for some reason.
But I wasn't perceived as being normal. I remember experiments.
"Being tied down to tables and injected with strange stuff that only left me in nothing but pain afterwards", I mumbled out loud.
I had to mask the pain somehow. I couldn't kill myself. I couldn't fight back. I was stuck with nothing but endless hours of pain. And that is when the blackouts came. I would blackout and wake up to a room full of dead people.
An image popped up from last night " From your pain I arose and I protected us until you were ready to accept me"
I shivered. I couldn't place that…thing…I only knew that it was a part of me. It was created for me to fight back. But I couldn't remember what it would do. I can't remember when I realized it was a part of me.
"I remember the scar gang because of my powers. My…my branch of sin…that is right…my powers were a weird blood thing. I could manipulate my blood and it was called my branch of sin. That is what caused this!"
I hoped on the bed and looked around. I could remember! "Raven! You had scythes that came from your arms and they looked like something from the grim reaper. And-And I had blades, crescent blades that spun around me like a tornado. I could rip apart a person or anything easily but at first…when I first fought you I could only do one!"
"I remember. I remember", I screamed. He merely looked on with a smirk on his face and arms crossed. I could even remember that stance.
The more my memories kept going the more I became unsettled. I remembered joining the scar gang and I remember Owl and Game Fowl…I remember the prison break b-but I don't remember anything afterwards. I flopped back on the bed as a sense of dread came over me. I combed through the memories.
"I remember the scar gang. I remember the chip and trying to escape but something happened", I mumbled to myself. Leon's face grimaced.
"There was a traitor. That guy who liked to pop his neck all the time. The Undertakers came. They were the most inhumane of all the prisoners but they were the main guards against us"
"Death is rock and roll!"
They killed so many of the gang because their powers did not work against the Undertakers. I…I was shot in the stomach. I crawled to a cove created by barrels of supplies and laid trying to figure out what to do.
"But I didn't make it. I was shot", and that is when the doors to my memories closed again. It ended with words from two separate people.
"Do you know why your blood does that? Your body…the blood that runs through it is a Sin not a blessing! Result of man's sin against humanity and thus God. On that day man encompassed all seven deadly sins and they still pay for the price. They wanted to play God and that is why they must be stopped. That is why you must suffer. You must seek retribution for your sins!"
"A sin? Ha! That is Lillum's way of placing blame like she always does. They do something wrong and whatever the result whether or not it makes sense ends up within their twisted sense of God and thus becomes a sin. But I will say the consequences you are experiencing are because of your parents. They always need a scapegoat and that is for people like you; weak and defenseless. You are different. You are above them.
I've noticed you in the ring. You have great fire. The type of person that is needed to make sure the Lillum do not continue with their arrogant tirade and continue destroying this planet that is not even theirs. That blood is not only for fighting but for knowledge. With it you can achieve an energy that Lillum is not allowed to obtain. The power of alchemy".
I sat staring at the ceiling. They were done. The memories were shut off into blurry crossovers with my forced images of my life with my sensei and a block from where I was lying on the ground bleeding to death. I know they were there I just couldn't get to them. I needed something else to force them out but what? I just really needed to draw. I-I wait!
I jumped off the bed and ran into the bathroom. I ignored the smudges of blood on the floor and looked at the mirror and lo and behold it was still there. The circle. I couldn't stop now I wanted all my memories back. And of course the voices and the…other me decided to be quiet at the moment. Of course!
I had to get it. There were variations of it. I could draw all day and I could figure out what it was I just needed to draw this one. I ran and got a small pencil and pad and finally wrote it down on solid paper. And just like that it stopped again. I could only remember this circle and one more variation and that was it. It was like there was a real block against it. I laid my head on the cool counter in frustration.
"Leon", I mumbled. I heard the chair creaking and footsteps. When a small brush of air was felt I asked him "Do you know how I lost my memories?"
I heard silence for a moment and then a solemn "Not really. I just remember being told that they were forced out".
"How did you come to find me here? How did you know", I asked allowing one eye to look at him leaning against the frame of the door. He took a deep sigh.
"I was already stationed here because it is my home. Well the area that used to be here was my home. I was simply told to look after you when the time came. So I just kept an eye on you".
I jerked up "Who told you", I asked excited that maybe I could get some more information.
"I cannot say", my elation dropped. I was a little pissed at the response.
"You are not ready to accept me" the creepy demon thing from last night said. I ignored him for the time being.
"What do you mean? You cannot say"
"I cannot tell you anything because you still would not remember. The way you were forced to forget will not allow a mere third party help to remember like before. You need more. Some of the memories might slip through but the type of stuff they used on you…you simply need more help in remembering"
"This is important isn't it?" I pointed at the mirror with the circle.
He titled his head and focused on the thing. "Do you even know what that is?" he asked with a slightly bored expression.
"Alchemy", I blurted out. He looked at me incredulously "I think".
"And what exactly is alchemy", he deadpanned.
"I don't know!" I cried exasperatedly. I grabbed my hair wanting to pull it out.
(Ring)(Ring)
A noise sounded surprising both of us. The phone was ringing. I was confused at who could be calling me before I remembered that I was on lockdown from Misato.
Before I could reach the phone the answering machine had to pick up.
"Shinji Ikari! Remember what I told you last night. One more problem like yesterday and you lose –"
"Y-Yes Misato. Hi how are you?" I picked up quickly not wanting to hear another rant.
"Good you picked up. I'm well"
"Good. Do you need anything?"
"No I just have to check up on you. Did you read that letter I put on the counter?"
"Letter?"
"Ugh kid. Yeah I placed it on the counter before I left last night. It provides details about your new school"
"School? I have to go to school!" I really did not want to go to school. I didn't really feel like acting normal at the moment. I would be very comfortable staying in my apartment or talking to Raven all day. It probably wasn't the most productive thing to do but it made me comfortable.
"Yes young man. You have to go to school. Despite the angels you still need a degree", she stated.
"Okay", I really didn't want to talk to her anymore.
"Okay…well…stay safe kid. And stay away from that guy. He gives me a bad vibe", she hung up after that.
"Well she sounds like a pill", I heard a gruff voice say behind me. I chuckled before looking at the scarred counter. The letter was instead on the floor with 1/4th cut off. I grimaced before deducing that it should still be readable.
"Sooo", I began hoping that Leon could provide some adult advice. "Do you have any ideas on how I could fix this place".
Well that is it for now. Here are some questions to mule over:
Who is the mysterious creature that want so be accepted?
What are all these voices and beings inside of Shinji?
Why are they always crying?
What did Shinji 'create'?
Find out probably next time!
Please review.I hope the story is going smoothly without much confusion. To the reviewer who wanted Shinji to use his powers on Misato or Ritsuko I hope this is enough. I couldn't allow a full attack because it wouldn't really go along with the plot. I hope Misato isn't too OCC. It is just at the beginning she sometimes got on my nerves and was a little too hard on the kid so I can see her acting a little mean at times.