Hey guys, you should check out my new homepage! Because, um... it's there. Yeah. And it's most definitely not completely pointless.

And holy crap you guys review fast. Ten in just a few days? This must be a new record. So many questions, so many answers I'm keeping to myself. Ha ha ha.

Published August 21, 2011

Bark Bark said the Link

Upon awakening in a cold, dark cell with a strange yellow and black sky clearly visible out the window, Link's eyes were instinctively drawn to the fact that he had paws. "AH! WHY DO I HAVE PAWS? AND A TAIL? WHY AM I FURRY? AHHHHH!"

"You have no idea how much I was laughing an hour ago. You're just making the day better and better every second."

"STOP TALKING VOICE!" He took off in a random direction but was pulled off his feet by a shackle tightly bound around his ankle. He growled, snapping his fang filled jaw around the chain. This was determined a bad idea when the wretched taste hit his sensitive tongue, triggering an intense gag reflex.

"Heeheeheeheeheeheehee."

"STOP LAUGHING!"

"Do you do anything aside from scream at nothing?"

Link jerked around, noticing another presence in his cell. A small figure floated in the shadows, her body black and white, and a giant stone object sitting on half of her head. "AH! WHO'RE YOU?"

She lay back in midair, crossing her legs. "Me? I'm the person who's going to be helping you get out of here."

His fear began to fade away, though he was still curious of what the hell she was. "O...kay... Please help."

"With pleasure. Now be a good boy and stand still for a second." She put her hands together, gathering a ball of energy between them. It shot out, shattering the chain that held him.

"AH! HOW DID YOU DO THAT?"

"Has anyone ever told you that you scream a lot?"

"There's a good reason for that! Where are we, how did I get here, why am I a quadruped and why does my mouth taste like dirt?"

"Heeheehee."

"STOP LAUGHING!"

The imp began floating toward the bars. "You're weird. Here's the deal." She disappeared, reappearing on the other side of the bars. "If you can get over here, maaaaybe I'll tell you."

Link crawled through a rather large hole in the cell bars. They were obviously not in peak condition.

The imp dropped down on his back just as he escaped, riding him like a horse. "Hm, I guess you're not completely brain dead after all!"

"Of course not!" Link snapped, attempting to buck her off. "That would just be redundant."

"Whatever. Listen, I like hearing you scream at everything so I think I'll get you out of here." She began to scratch him behind the ear, and Link was pained to admit to himself that it felt nice. "But in exchange for my help, you have to do exactly as I say."

"As long as you don't tell me to jump off a castle I am completely fine with that."

-On top of Hyrule Castle-

"All right, now jump off the castle."

"WHAT?"

"Do as she says. It's for your own good."

"SHUT UP, YOU DON'T EXIST!"

Without warning, an enormous black bird with what looked like a warped trumpet for a head attacked Link. He of course screamed and took off across the parapet, jumping from ledge to ledge with never before seen skill and accuracy. By the time the bird grew bored and let him be, he was already at the destination.

"Wow, you move fast when you're terrified. This will be pretty easy. Now jump through that window, there's someone I want you to meet."

The castle's interior was in much better condition than the ruined rooftops. Despite being very grey and lifeless, it was in one piece.

Link poked his nose through a door, seeing a cloaked figure standing inside. "Mush!"

"I'm not a real dog!"

She began twirling his tail. "I beg to differ."

Link grumbled to himself. He didn't trust any of this, but he had no other options but to listen to the sadistic rider who loved to torment him so. He let out a sigh and entered the room.

The cloaked woman turned to face them upon entry. "Midna!"

The now identified Midna let out a giggle. "You remembered my name? What an honour for me."

"So this is the one for whom you were searching." She looked down at Link. He tried to smile but, well, it didn't work on a wolf.

"He's not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess he'll do."

"I'm right here you know," Link grunted, scowling.

Midna laughed again. "Silly boy, to her you're just barking. I only know what you're saying because I can speak to wolves."

"WHAT? Aw..."

The woman bent down, scratching him behind the ear. "Aw, he's so cute. Look at those big goofy eyes on him."

Midna began to play with his tail again. "He's so fuzzy, right?"

"Yeah, it's great..."

"STOP TOUCHING ME EVERYWHERE!"

"DON'T YOU BARK AT PRINCESS ZELDA YOU DUMB ANIMAL!" Zelda punched him in the ear.

"OW... I'm sorry..."

Midna rolled her eyes. "I said she can't understand you, so stop trying to make conversation."

"Everything in this world hurts me... I need to stop talking..."

"Yes you do. Poor thing, he has no idea what's going on." Midna pat Link's head.

Zelda stood up, cracking her knuckles. "I suppose I should explain what's happened so far, seeing as he's going to be getting involved soon. So listen carefully, okay? Bark once for yes and twice for no."

"...Bark."

"There you go. I'll get you a biscuit later. All right, time to start the story of the amazing Princess Zelda and how Hyrule got messed up nearly beyond repair. Generally, very little happens in Hyrule. People go through their daily life without worry, and I tend to just lounge around in this castle, making sure all is in order. One day, however, we were attacked. A horde of shadowy monsters came from what seemed like nowhere, laying siege to this very castle. Despite our best efforts they quickly overwhelmed out forces and we were forced to retreat to the throne room, the highest and most well fortified location. Sadly, that only served to corner us when they walked right in and took down almost every knight I had left.

"With my army beaten Zant, the king of twilight, simply strolled in. He offered an ultimatum: surrender or die. Naturally, I chose to live since I could do more alive than dead. So he covered the land in twilight and now everyone is in spirit form, unaware of what has befallen them. Then he locked me in a tower. And here we stand."

"You don't seem very phased by this," Midna commented. "I expected more sorrow and angst in your story than I got. I'm disappointed."

Zelda shrugged. "I've had time to cope. The only thing that really gets to me by now is those black squares that just keep floating into the air! What are they doing? Why are they doing it? What's even worse is that they're two dimensional objects! How the hell do they even exist? But I digress. The guard will be making his rounds soon. You should probably leave before he tears out your spine like he did the last visitor. That poor bird."

Link and Midna fled, jumping out a nearby window onto the castle rooftops. Not a moment later the door opened and a shadow beast trudged in. "Hi Princess!" he perkily greeted. "I'm so jealous of you. Your room has the most amazing view and I have to sleep in the basement. Can we trade for a night?"

-With Link-

Link found himself teleported back to the Ordon spring, right where he was pulled into twilight for the first time. Sadly, he was still a wolf. Midna appeared in front of him, now just a pure black shadow. "One more thing, you won't get your hands back for quite a while. Hm, I wonder why that is?" She giggled again.

"You could teleport me this whole time?"

"Maaaaybe."

He sighed, lowering his head in frustration. "Do you know how I get my hands back?"

She tapped her chin in thought. "Maybe. I think a better question is what will you do now? Do you want to go save your friends?"

"Huh?"

"You know, the boy and the girl who were taken just a few hours ago. They got a nasty beating, didn't they?"

He blinked. "Oh yeah, Colin and Ilia. I think they can wait for me to become bipedal again."

Midna grinned, taking a seat on his back again. "Here's the next deal. You get yourself a sword and a shield, and we can start this adventure."

"I have a better deal!" Link piped up. "You make me human again and I enlist the help of many more competent citizens of our village, like Rusl! He's strong, he can be the hero. I'll get you Rusl and you can let me go home, okay?"

"Mmmm... nah. You're more interesting to watch."

"No I'm not! Rusl has a beard, he's so much better!"

"Ha, no."

Upon returning to his house, Link found that two bulblins had taken up residence in the clearing. "Have you ever felt... not so fresh?" one said to the other.

The second bulblin took a step away. "No."

Even though Midna wasn't visible Link could hear her whispering in his ear. "Well? That's your house, isn't it? Aren't you going to protect your territory?"

Link took note of their sharp weapons. "I think I'll just pray for divine intervention."

-In the Golden Land-

Nayru looked up from her 20x20 Rubix Cube. "Hey! Farore! Your kid's praying again! Do something about it why don'tcha?"

"I'm talking with the four giants about next year's Deity Meet Up. Buzz off."

-Back at Link's house-

Before Link could continue arguing a squirrel dove from above, sinking its teeth into the first bulblin's neck and severing its spine. It twitched and dropped to the ground. The second looked over. "Why am I not surprised?" The squirrel launched itself at it, shooting through its torso like a bullet.

"That took care of itself quite well," Link commented, nodding soundly.

The squirrel looked in his direction. "You!" it hissed, barring its fangs. "You may be in a different form, but I know you! You threw your sword through my nest last week!"

"Oh yeah, I d-did do that. N-no hard feelings, right? I can help make a new one..."

"Die!"

"Heeheehee."

Fortunately, wolves are faster than squirrels and Link was able to escape into the village unscathed. "MONSTER!" Sadly, he did not receive the greeting he had hoped for. "You've already taken my daughter, what more could you possibly want? I know what you can take. Take this!"

Suddenly, a hawk was clawing at Link's face. "OW! Coming here was a very bad idea!"

After fleeing from another fight with something smaller than him, Link jumped through an open window and stole the shield hanging on a wall. "Great," Midna commented. "It looks like it'll fall apart when I breathe on it, but it will have to do for now."

As they left that house Link noticed Rusl, looking heavily beat up and bandaged, patrolling the village with his hand on the hilt of his sword. Word of Link's intrusion must have spread. "He looks better when he's not bleeding and limping," Link told her.

Link crept up behind his idol. Once he was close he ran forward, snatching his sword and sheath with one bite, and took off into the night. "What? No! That is the sword I will use to get my revenge! Return it at once!"

"Good job." Midna's shadow began to rub his side like a dog. He swatted her away. "Now go back to the forest where you were first turned into this form."

"Then you'll turn me back and you'll take the sword and shield to do this on your own?" Link whimpered, wishing his plight would come true. Midna just laughed and gave him a pat on the head. He grumbled and set off on a walk, travelling down the riverbed that led back to his house. Link noticed that several of the frogs by the river were glaring at him. "Oh come on! Everything else I've deserved, but I haven't done anything to the frogs!"

"Riiiiibbit. My name is Iago Croakoya. You stepped on my best friend's sister's friend's cousin's favourite lily pad. Prepare to die." Link flicked some dirt in the frog's eyes.

As Link passed by the spring, still moping about how he didn't want to do any of this, a voice called out to him. "Wait..." it said. "Come to my spring..."

"Okay!" Eager to avoid going back into the twilight, Link sprinted into the water.

Just as he arrived a red barrier came up, trapping him in there. A portal opened in the sky and a shadow beast fell out, landing just in front of him. "Beware..." said the voice. "Something evil approaches..."

"Thanks for the update!" Link dodged the shadow beast's first slash, having no desire to have his face clawed off. He circled around it hesitantly, ducking under another attack. He tried to swipe back but this only ended up with the shadow beast kicked his face.

"Use your mouth, not those pathetic claws," Midna ordered. "You've got rows and rows of fangs just waiting to dig in."

"I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" Link shouted, backing against the barrier. "Who knows where it's been?"

The shadow beast ran at him. "Do it or that thing murders you right here. I can go either way, really. Makes no difference to me."

Seeing no other option, Link lunged at its throat. He wrapped his jaw around it, tearing into the beast. It screeched, burning his eardrums, before dropping dead. Link gave the flesh an experimental chew. "Not bad actually..."

Sadly, the beast then disintegrated along with the flesh in his mouth. "Aw..."

The barrier lowered, and the water began to glow lightly. Glyphs shone on the nearby rocks, brilliantly illuminating the whole spring. A ball of light appeared, rising into the air. Around it formed an animal of light similar to the Ordon goats, the light contained between its horns. "O brave youth," it spoke, its voice as soft as a feather. "I am one of four light spirits that protect Hyrule at the behest of the gods. I am Ordona. I have watched over the Ordon province for countless years, keeping away all ill intent."

Link's eyes widened in horror. "So... you, uh, you live in this spring, don't you?"

"Yes."

"And, you see everything here, don't you?"

"Yes. I am aware of all that occurs in my spring. Yes. You are indeed a terrible person, Link, and you should be forever ashamed. But that is not for what I have called you to discuss. That shall be our conversation on another day. The dark beast you have slain was a being of shadow. It had come to seize the power of light I wield. My brethren in Hyrule have already had their light taken, their land engulfed by darkness. The entire kingdom has been reduced to a netherworld of darkness, covered in this twilight. The blight will not stop with Hyrule. Before long, the whole world will fall under the domain of the king who rules twilight. To save this land from the kind of twilight, the lost light must be recovered. The three light spirits who have lost their light must be revived." Ordona looked down at him. "There is but one who can revive them and redeem this land..."

"Don't say me, please don't..."

"You."

"I said not to say me! There are so many people more competent out there. Get that big green guy from the other day. He looked strong!"

Ordona tilted its head. Link got the impression that if he could discern a pair of lips he would see a smile on its face. "You still have not discovered your true power... Those transformed by twilight usually cannot recover their true forms..."

"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"

The spirit looked into the air. "Unless... If you were to return to Faron Woods where you were first transformed... If you were to revive to light spirit..."

Link's eyes narrowed. "Waaait a minute... I know where this is going. You're using my desire to be human again to make me go on this journey to save the other spirits, aren't you?" Ordona glowed brightly before beginning to fade, the surroundings becoming normal again. "Don't you disappear on me! Answer the question!"

But it was gone.

"Son of a bitch. I should piss in this spring right now."

The water began to glow again.

"Nevermindbye!"