So, I made a few changes to the original Group of Weirdos. Basically, I fixed up chapters one to ten without changing anything and, well, that is done. Gohma in particular is much more in character in her original appearance now and there is no longer a typo in paragraph two of the whole story. That's all I plan to do with that, so it's all new stuff from here. Not getting stuck fixing up the past.

But since you're here for this story, I'll get right to it.

Published August 25, 2011

First in Line

The king of twilight pushed open the ornate door of Hyrule Castle, approaching the figure occupying its dining room. "I have just sent a small amount of lowlifes to be rid of the last light spirit. It will be gone within the hour."

"Excellent, very excellent," was the difficult to decipher answer he received. It sounded as though he had a lot of something in his mouth. "You should try some of this Hylian fruit pie, come over here."

"With all due respect I'd... rather not."

"Oh please, you know you want to." He swallowed. "I have experience with these types of things, and if there's one thing I've learned it's that you need to indulge. Enjoy yourself or this hostile takeover is going to stress all of your hair- er, skin grey. Don't be 'all work and no play' Zant, or it's going to all burst out in an explosion of absolute insanity at the least opportune moment."

"I'd still rather not."

He shrugged, turning his back on the other king. "Don't say I didn't warn you. Hey, where the hell did my fork go?"

-Faron Woods-

"Midna, have I ever told you how much I hate menial tasks?"

Midna plucked a hair from Link's back, running it between her teeth. "You've had a few rants during the hours we've known each other."

"Allow me to restate: I HATE THIS!" He killed another bug, snatching the light that came from it and shoving it into the container the light spirit had given him. Faron was a being who got straight to the point: light stolen, find beetles, kill beetles, put light in container. All this meant to Link was: run around the forest looking for small, hard to hit insects. He was pretty much correct in his summation. "When the forces of evil chose what form they want their monsters to become, they must have read my mind and looked for everything that annoys me."

"Oh don't be so conceited. The whole world doesn't revolve around you. It revolves around me."

"Har har. Oh look, a monkey."

Talo's life partner stood atop a tree stump, in spirit form like everything else that was not of twilight, being tormented by the last two beetles. "Help!" it cried, speaking the universal animal language. Link dashed over and snapped one of them in half, stepping on the other. To the monkey, they just died. "Huh? That was weird."

Midna started to clap at his efforts. "Well done. You're getting used to being the big bad wolf and started on your way to being friend of all living things."

"Bite me." She bit him. "OW! YOU... YOU BIT ME!"

"You said to," the twili laughed, floating away.

"I'm missing flesh! You didn't bite, you tore!"

"Don't be such a drama queen."

Due to their antics, Link and Midna missed the plot relevant monologue the monkey had engaged in. It was probably not important anyway. Link grabbed the last orb of light, placing it inside the vessel. The reaction was instant.

Twilight began to fade away, the black squares ceasing to rise and the sky returning to its regular colour. Plants lost the sickly tint that had taken over them; wildlife became normal, no longer taking on the warped forms twilight gifted them. Link found himself transported to Faron's spring, and to his joy he was on two legs again.

"I'm free!" As soon as Link started to do a little jig, he noticed the immediate problem. He ran a finger along the edge of his clothes, questions filling his mind. He vocalized the most prominent. "Why am I wearing a goddamn skirt?"

The pool glowed, an orb of light rising from the water. Just like last time, a spirit of light wrapped around the orb, a sort of possum bearing a human face. "Allow me to more formally introduce myself. My name is Faron," it said.

"Why am I wearing a goddamn skirt?"

The spirit smiled. "Do not you wish to know why you became a beast instead of a spirit like all others forced into twilight?"

"I want to know why I am wearing a goddamn skirt!"

"That is too bad. You see-"

"No! Tell-"

"Interrupt me again and I shall make sure that your skirt fits perfectly, understand?"

Link looked up at Faron, confused for a moment. Then it sunk in. "Understood..."

"Good. You see, you have the powers of the chosen one within you. Your form was a sign that those powers were awakening. Yes Link, you are sadly our hero. I know what you are thinking. You think 'I cannot be the hero, I am such a pathetic little wimp who stands no chance against an inchworm, less so the king of twilight. Why makes this oh so magnificent spirit of light and greatness think the lowly life form I am is worthy of any attention? I mean, really, I am a farmhand who can barely pet a goat without breaking my legs. There is no possible way-'"

"OH COME ON!" Link finally broke, glaring at the amused spirit. "Can you get on with it?"

Faron waved his tail through the air. "You now no longer have a penis."

"WHAT?" Link immediately checked. He sighed in relief, scowling deeply at the trick. "I know you love tormenting me, believe me, everyone does, but can we please move on to something more important? Please?"

"I accept your proposal. The tunic that you now wear belonged to the ancient hero chosen by the gods. His power is yours. All the power he had is in your hands."

"What."

"You might want to wash those as soon as you can. Just trust the voice on this."

"You and me are having words after this, whoever you are."

"What was that?"

Link waved his arms defensively. "Nothing! I'm just talking to a voice in my head, please continue!"

The spirit shrugged. "That is all I had to say. There was a bit more about how you are chosen by the goddesses and must go to the temple deep within these woods to purge the evil presence, but I believe I have just summed that up about as well as I could. Go there, obtain the power and try not to die. It is difficult to come by chosen ones. Not impossible mind you, in fact there are up to five in reserve at a time, but you are our first resort and getting them to go through this whole tutorial stage too will be a bit of a pain now that you've fixed everything. Try not to disappoint." Faron burst into light, fading away.

"WHAT? Chosen by the gods? Get back here! I don't want to be the chosen one, I want an easy life of herding cows!" He punched at the water, soon pulling out his new sword and slashing. "Get back here! Go for number two, number one is retiring! Come on! Please?"

Midna emerged from his shadow, watching as Link viciously attacked the spring. "So you're the chosen one, huh? That explains a lot. I bet you'd rather run around as a spirit for all of eternity, completely unaware, right?"

"YES!"

"Heeheehee."

"You! You are me are going to have some words now. Who are you?"

There was no answer.

"Oh no, you are not pulling the 'maybe I'm just hearing things or going insane' treatment on me! I want to know who you are and why only I seem to hear you. Answer me!"

He was answered by silence.

"I can keep this up as long as you can. So we're just going to have to wait until you budge."

Midna exited his shadow again. "I'm going to go on ahead if you're going to stand here yelling at the trees all day. Meet me at the forest temple, okay?"

"Yeah yeah. Now show yourself!"

"Okay!"

From the brush came two figures, a tall green warrior and a fish that was digging his teeth into the man's bleeding wrist. "I am Odolwa, the Masked Jungle Warrior." Odolwa struck a heroic pose. He held up the fish. "This is my pet fish Gyorg. He is currently attempting to make sure I can never use a sword and shield together again."

"Die," Gyorg hissed, enjoying the taste of his blood.

Link slowly nodded, keeping his eyes locked on the two. "Um, I wasn't actually talking to you, but hi again..."

"You remind me of someone I knew a long time ago," Odolwa said, stroking his chin with his free hand. "I think it's the green hat and skirt. Tell me, are you as intelligent as a Deku Baba?"

"No..."

"I'll have to take your word for it until I see you jump off a cliff head first. Try to avoid doing that by the way. It's not good for you."

"Thanks...?"

"You're welcome. By the way Gyorg that's the hand I use to-"

"DON'T WANNA KNOW." Gyorg let go, falling to the ground. "Now bring me back to him!"

"Later." He faced Link again. "So, good sir, I shall leave you for the moment. Have fun talking to your imaginary friend!" Odolwa walked off.

"Watch your back," Gyorg hissed. "Or I'll be eating it."

"What? Why?"

The fish shrugged, flopping into the bushes.

"Everyone I've met since this adventure started has been really weird."

A golden cucco strolled past his feet. "Silly boy, if everyone else is weird that just means you are the weird one. Oh ho ho. Silly, silly boy."

-Several minutes of travel later-

Link pushed through the brush, making his way to the tall tree he had been at just before returning to human form. If anything was to be the forest temple, it would be the most distinguishable and sizable tree where several plot significant events had occurred.

What he did not expect was to see a golden wolf sitting on the only path to the tree, enthusiastically licking itself.

He stared at the wolf. It stopped licking itself to stare at him. He continued to stare. It began to run toward him. He ran away screaming. It easily caught up. He pulled out his sword and shield. It jumped on him.

Link found himself in a white void. "Oh COME ON! I died already? It didn't even bite me yet!"

"Silly person wearing the most snappy clothing ever, you're not dead."

Behind him stood a tall skeleton dressed in broken gold armour. It had in its hands a simple sword and shield, no more fancy than his own. The presence of the dead man did not encourage Link.

"Who are you?" he hesitantly asked.

"My name's not important. You can call me the Hero's Shade however, just because. I'm not really sure why, honestly. The point is that I've been sent down to make you into a competent hero, and that's what I plan to do."

"So... You're a dead guy."

"Yup!"

"Here to teach me how to fight."

"Yup!"

"Even though you're dead."

"Yup!"

"Which means you failed somewhere down the line."

"Not exactly. All I remember about my death was something really big and really ugly doing something really bad. The last little bit before you die is always a bit hazy, what with your brain shutting down on you and all that. Now how would you like to know some better ways to kill things?"

"...Yes I would."

"I thought so. Our first lesson is the Ending Blow as I like to call it. I will demonstrate, so lie down."

Link hesitantly glanced at the very sharp sword in the Shade's hand. "Are you going to stab me with that?"

"Yup! Don't worry, it's just a demonstration."

"But it still involves me getting stabbed."

The Shade chuckled, his ribcage rattling. "Silly snappy-dresser, this place isn't even real. It's a manifestation of our souls or something like that. Stabbing you won't hurt in the slightest."

He was still hesitant, but there was no reason to doubt the Shade. It probably knew what it was doing. "All right..."

-In the real world-

Midna may have continued on without him, but Link was kind of necessary for her to accomplish anything in the real world. As such, when he did not follow she became greatly annoyed and was forced to backtrack. "Tall white and grassy, where are you?" she called, wandering aimlessly. "This is ridiculous. It's his first day and he's... lying on the ground unconscious. Huh."

Suddenly, Link awoke screaming in agony, rolling around clutching his chest. "BASTARD!" he roared, punching the dirt.

"Good, you're alive. Get moving, we have an abomination to clear out. Chop-chop."