Sometimes I wonder if I kill things too much... Nah.

Published August 31, 2011

A Damn Big Tree

"Yuck, there must be spiders all over this place," Midna hissed, running her shadowy fingers through the web blocking their way. "Burn it down."

Link looked at the web, and then the giant, wooden tree it was attached to. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Hm... I think I see your point. Well, you have a big knife. Get to it." So he hacked down the spider web and entered the forest temple. It was dark and damp, two of Link's least favourite characteristics. He disliked it already. "Look, it's that monkey. Man, these guys must really love cooking monkeys."

"HEY!" Two Bokoblins ran at Link, axes drawn. "You again! Do you think you can just walk in here after running away from us twice now?"

Link scratched his head with the hilt of his sword. "Again? Are you those two Bokoblins who don't seem to get killed?"

"That's us!" Hykl proclaimed, slapping his chest.

"What's the term... 'running gags'?"

"Yup!" Wwvr confirmed.

Link nodded, looking off to the side. "Right. Hey look, that butterfly insulted your mother."

"WHAT?"

"I WILL MAKE IT DIE!"

The Bokoblins ran into the darkness. As it turned out, the butterfly was a large mothula that tried to make them its next meal. Whether it succeeded or not will be learned in time.

Link snapped open the monkey's cage, watching it cheer before running to a nearby door, gesturing for him to follow. "This better not turn into a gimmick dungeon," he sighed, reluctantly following.

It was quite literally immediately after this that Link faced his most difficult foe yet: a stone door. "Lift with your legs!" Midna commanded.

He struggled to make the eight foot round stone swerve to the side, his legs shaking under the exertion. "NOT... HELPING..."

Midna groaned, watching him stop for a breather. "Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. He sleeps on the ground and can't open doors."

"I WAS NOT SLEEPING! I was in a spiritual realm where a gold skeleton was teaching me sword techniques by stabbing me. Wow, that sounded much more convincing and much less idiotic in my head."

"I bet it did. Now open the door already."

"Right." Link cracked his knuckles and went back to pushing at the slab. "ROOOOOLL!" he cried frantically.

His foot slipped, sending him crashing to the floor. "RAAAAAH! NO MORE! THIS DOOR DIES NOW!" He took out a bottle of lantern oil and his lantern, setting the oil on fire then quickly corking it tightly. This makeshift bomb was shoved against the door's base. He dove behind a nearby rock, covering his ears as the bottle exploded and took out half of the door.

He looked up, smiling at his handiwork. "YES!"

Part of the wall fell into the gap, blocking it. "NO!"

Midna floated over to him, resting her elbows on his head. "You skipped fishing rod and slingshot, and went straight to the high powered explosives. Feel accomplished?"

"I... but... I don't... What... do now?"

"Ah ha ha ha! Now that was some pyrotechnicality right there!" They looked toward the entrance, seeing two familiar figures. "Stand aside," Odolwa commanded, pushing Link to the ground even though he was not in his way. "Let a real man do this."

The jungle warrior shoved his blade under the door, put a rock under it and tried to lever it up. The blade quickly snapped, a large shard shooting into the air, wedging itself through his mask and out the back of his head. "That was not part of the plan. Fuck it." He kicked it down. Link stared at him in shock. "What?"

"Uh, you do know that... um... there's something in your face, right?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, I'll handle that later. There is nothing we can do about the past except change it into a happy future. Never look back, go forward in the direction you want to be."

"But it's in your face... How are you alive?"

Gyorg flopped past Link. "He gets more philosophical as the brain damage builds up. It's like an anti-retardation effect."

Odolwa kicked down the next door as well. "It's the simple things in life that amuse me the most."

Link continued to stare. "Simple...?"

"Simple, destructive; same thing really. By the way, who's the black floating thing?"

Link looked over at Midna. "You can see her? I thought-"

"You're not special," Midna interrupted. "If I'm not hiding in a shadow, anyone can see me. No hidden powers for you today, Link."

Odolwa stroked his chin, looking down at the teen. "Link you say? I knew a Link once. Wore the same clothes as you too. I remember the time he blew my leg up, ha ha. Good times." Link's gaze shifted to his perfectly fine legs.

"Wait, you were with the original hero of the goddesses?" Midna looked him over. "Just how old are you?"

He laughed in response. "Silly semi-transparent thingamabob, there is no age, there is only cameo guest starring."

"Huh? You kinda mumbled that last part."

"I know."

The monkey let out a cry, gesturing for them to proceed through the now horizontal door. "Shut the fuck up and get moving," Gyorg snapped. "I want that baboon's head in my mouth within the next ten goddamn minutes or your ass is mine."

Through the door was a natural balcony, empty air lying beyond. Fortunately, a conveniently built rope bridge went through the empty air and into another tree. "Let's go quickly," Link said. "This doesn't look to sturdy with all this wind."

"Oh it's just wind," Midna calmly argued, waving off his worry. "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"Monkey," Odolwa responded, pointing at their monkey guide. The simian was running across the bridge, signalling for them to come. It screamed and turned tail when a baboon appeared on the other side, holding up an impressive looking boomerang.

"IT MUST DIE!" Gyorg roared.

The baboon threw the boomerang, cutting most of the strings holding the bridge up just as their monkey made it back to solid ground. A strong gust blew it to pieces.

"That is the worst that can happen."

"Could've been fire."

"Oh shut up."

-After taking another route-

Link poked a shaking pot with his sword, watching it vibrate harder. "Something's in there and I don't want to find out."

"Nonsense!" Odolwa shouted, laughing wildly. "Of course you do." Before he could protest, the jungle warrior grabbed Link and used him as a bludgeoning weapon to smash the pot.

A chicken popped out. No, not a chicken actually. It was a chicken with a human head. "Phew! Out at last!" the chicken sighed, shaking its feathers. "Gracious me. Once I got in there, I couldn't squeeze back out."

"I've seen my fair share of strange races," Midna began, "like you people. You all look like monstrous freaks to me. But that... what are you supposed to be?"

"I am Ooccoo," the chicken person said. "With me, you can leave the dungeon at any time and even though you'll probably never use me I'm everywhere! EVERYWHERE."

Gyorg grabbed her in his jaw, tearing her apart and swallowing the remains. "Nope."

The next several minutes were spent running across the temple, freeing every monkey they encountered. "I wonder why they're locking them in cages and then placing them in random dark corners," Midna said at one point. "Then again, the Bokoblins we've run into so far haven't been the epitome of intelligence."

A mothula smashed through a nearby wall, Hykl mounted on its back. The two rolled around in midair, locked in an intense grapple until they broke through another wall and disappeared from sight.

"That was timed conveniently."

So they moved on.

Several rooms later, they entered an enormous chamber with a nice, shiny key sitting in the middle. A monkey was locked on the other side, shaking the bars loudly. "This is easy," Link said, glaring at the silver. "Too easy."

Odolwa marched forward. "Which makes it all the more easily taken advantage of."

"Are you sure you should be going out there?"

He laughed, stopping beside the key and looking back at the others. "Not everything's a trap you know. Just because there's a key in the middle of the room right in front of something we need it to unlock, in a big empty room and it's right behind me, isn't it?"

They nodded.

"Ah. This is a bit of a problem in the works. I wonder-"

The giant Deku Baba grabbed his face in its bulbous head, smashing him off the floor repeatedly. In response he swung his broken sword, putting a nice slash in its stem. The Deku Baba let go, prompting Odolwa to all but claim victory. It then lifted itself high and smashed him into the ground.

"Hit him where it hurts!" Gyorg shouted from the sidelines. The Baba grabbed Odolwa by the ankles and smashed him into the ceiling. "Good enough. Keep up the good work!"

It was then that Link took note of several things. First, the Deku Baba's base had a large, fanged mouth. Second, several bomblings, little bugs that turn into bombs when smacked, were scattered around the room. Put two and two together.

With the Baba distracted with tenderising Odolwa, he was able to poke a bombling, grab it, sneak around back and slip it into the mouth. The Deku Baba stopped eating his arm, noticing something tasted a bit off, before violently exploding.

Odolwa landed on the ground in a mangled heap. "G-good job!" he slurred weakly. "I'm... I'm gonna just lie down for a little bit." Gyorg smacked a bombling at him.

-A few rooms later-

"For a tree, I'm pretty surprised that this is a horizontal system of caves instead of a vertical one," Midna commented. "Must be a wide tree, hm?"

"It's damp but there's no fucking water!" Gyorg snapped, glaring at the tree. "This tree needs to be drowned."

"I would love to see you go to the fire temple," Midna offhandedly commented.

The monkeys led the assembly back to the formerly bridged chasm. Using the single rope that remained from the baboon's cutting spree they spaced themselves across it and hanged upside-down, gesturing for Link to come forward. "I think they want to throw you from one to the other," Odolwa explained.

"Uh... I don't like this plan."

"Then I shall rectify it." The jungle warrior hoisted Link above his head and hurled the Hylian across the pit. "Success!" he shouted as Link crashed face first into the opposite tree.

Link fell to the ground, lying still.

"He's fine. Next up!"

"Wait what? LET GO OR I'LL TEAR YOUR GODDAMN HEAD OFF!"

"Can't hear you, throwing!" He threw Gyorg in a similar arc, smashing him into the same spot. "Have fun coming back!"

"Bastard..." Link slowly climbed to a sitting position, letting his vision become regular again before proceeding with Gyorg and Midna at his sides.

Their foe was waiting for them. "Ook, you batshit baboon!" Gyorg snapped, snarling up at him. "Ready to have your face shoved up your own asshole?"

Ook stood on one of the many pillars in the room, boomerang in hand. He laughed, slapping his nicely tanned butt at them a few times, and then throwing the boomerang. It sliced the stems of several Deku Babas from the roof, the buds falling to the ground and going for the first target in their line of sight: Link. He predictably screamed and tried to stab at them. The Deku Babas hissed, lunging at his head. He ducked and ran around the room.

Meanwhile, Gyorg faced off with Ook. "Ready to do this, bitch?"

"AH ooo ooo AH ooo AH!"

"Er... DIE!"

Ook threw his boomerang, hitting Gyorg easily. The fish bit in to the wood, flying back to the baboon along with it. He let go and sunk his fangs into Ook's arm. "Ooo ooo AH!" It started to hit him with the blunt weapon.

Back on the floor of the battlefield, Link had decided to kill the Deku Babas with the Ending Blow. He jumped into the air, stabbing the first through its head. He tried to do the same to the second one, but sadly Deku Babas do have mental capacity. It dodged the attack and coiled around his arms, head-butting his face repeatedly.

Above, Gyorg and Ook were still locked in their deadly dance. Gyorg had moved to a more ideal position where he could jab him in the neck with his horn. Ook started shrieking, throwing Gyorg onto the pillar and jumping on him. "OW! FUCKER! OW! OW! I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN! I'LL FEED YOU YOUR EYES! I'LL MAKE YOUR FLOOR MESSY! MESSY WITH YOUR ORGANS!"

Gyorg twisted midway through Ook's next jump, stabbing him in the foot. The baboon yelped and lost his balance, falling to the floor far below. "Stab him in the throat!" the fish shouted.

"I'm a bit busy!" Link, meanwhile, had the Deku Baba wrapped around his whole body, trying to eat him like a python. "I think I'll be okay. I can't fit in its mouth- AH! IT'S DISSOLVING MY FEET! HELP ME!"

"Goddamn useless... You're on your own, asshole. I'm resolving my vaguely defined hatred! BANZAI!" Gyorg flopped into the air, diving down horn first at the simian's head.

After realizing that the plant was, well, a plant, Link kicked right through the Baba's head and freed himself. He held his sword high, letting out a cry of battle as he lunged at Ook's downed form... only to see Gyorg wiping the blood off of his horn, sliding away from his clean kill. "Oh..."

"All done. Let's go."

Midna split off from Link's shadow. "Not quite yet. I like the looks of that boomerang. Link, go grab it."

Link approached the corpse, carefully sliding the weapon from its hand. The moment it was free it sprung upwards, a funnel of wind erupting beneath it. "Greetings. I am the fairy of winds who lives inside-"

"AH!" Link bashed it down with his shield.

"AGH! You wanna play it like that, do you? Fine!" The boomerang blasted at Link, smashing full force into his face. Before he could fall it curved around and hit the back of his skull. It repeated this, somehow keeping him standing the whole time. Finally, it let him fall. "I'm the fairy of winds, bitch. Don't mess with me."

"I'm starting up a count of the things that have kicked your ass. Let's see... there's a Deku Baba, an ordinary goat, a bird with a trumpet for a head, the prissy princess, a squirrel, a young hawk, that afro bird probably could have as well, that Twili girl bit you pretty hard, the light spirits-"

"I get it," Link interrupted, spitting out a glob of blood.

"That's nice. There was the time you attacked water and failed, got stabbed by a dead idiot hero, that really big and strong spider that nearly killed everything which you fought offscreen, Gyorg, another Deku Baba, and now a fairy possessed piece of wood joins the hall of fame. Nice track record. You're maybe ten percent into this adventure too."

"Shut up, voice!"

"The hell are you talking to?" Gyorg irately asked.

"The voice he always hears in his head," Midna answered, laughing to herself. "It's pretty funny sometimes, kinda sad the rest."

Link snatched the satisfied boomerang from the ground, glaring at them. "I'm not crazy! It only started up recently and I don't know what to do to make it stop!"

"Oh no, you're completely sane, I understand that," Gyorg told him. "It's just that you can hear voices no one else can and routinely shout at blank air. Not crazy in the slightest."

"Shut up, fish boy."

The door to the room slid open, Odolwa poking his head through. "You got the Gale Boomerang! It-"

"When did you get over here?"

"Hm? Oh, I jumped the gap a few minutes ago."

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU COME HELP?"

He shrugged.