For those few who care about my petty personal life, you can skip the following explanation of events. So I'm at my grandparent's house for college, and I brought Twilight Princess so I could play and write here. Sadly, due to complications such as the providers saying on the day before, "Yeah, we can't do your place anymore. Oopsie," I was unable to get an Internet connection here. As such, I didn't get in the mood to write this story. When I went home for the weekend where we do have Internet, I did not have the game with me. So this was held off. Bah.

But that's all worked out as you can likely tell, finally, so here's the next chapter. Read it and weep! Wait, don't weep, that's bad. Er... Read it and tell me what you thought. I'll give you an imaginary tropical island for every legitimate mistake you point out.

Published September 19, 2011

Plant vs. Metal

"We face another gap," Odolwa stated, gazing out at the massive chasm before them. On the other side was an enormous door bearing a golden lock, obviously their destination. As Phantom Ganon would analyze, getting there seemed to require that they free all of the monkeys and use them as a makeshift swing.

The jungle warrior had other plans.

"Please don't do that agAHHHHHHHH!" Link's flight was halted by the stone door.

"Success!" Odolwa pumped his fist into the air, watching Link stagger to his feet across the gap. "I'm going to free the other monkeys. You go clear out that room and I'll meet you when you're done. Gyorg, you sit here and don't kill anything else."

"Don't tell me how to live my own life. I'll kill who I want whenever I damn well please."

Link unbolted the shiny lock, letting it fall to the floor. The door bizarrely opened on its own, allowing him access. Shrugging, he proceeded.

Inside was a large chamber, half full of a poisonous-looking pond. Moss clung to all the walls, a plethora of vines hanging from the ceiling. The door slid shut.

"A dead end," the not-hero stated, placing his hands on his hips. "Might as well see what we can find."

"I sense something."

"Hm?"

"Something tells me... You gonna die."

"What?"

A tremor struck the room, the pond bubbling rapidly. From the depths came two bulbous heads, each easily dwarfing the farm boy, rising on their stalks halfway up to the high ceiling.

Diababa
Twilit Parasite
Likes: Gardening
Dislikes: Postal Services
Greatest Accomplishment: Killed three birds with one stone

Link just stared, face snow white as the bulbs let out a battle cry. "Oh COME ON."

"I have to admit, my next victim won't be nearly as fun as you were," the voice said, sounding more giddy than sad.

"NOW IS NOT THE TIME!"

Midna emerged from his shadow. "Stop talking to your imaginary friend and kill it, will you?"

The water bubbled violently, another being shouting, "I am not an IT!"

"Fine, kill him," Midna added, rolling her eyes.

The room began to shake again, an explosion of water revealing an even larger plant. It did not share the same shape as the others, instead having flower-like head that opened to reveal the displeased eye within. "I am not a HE!" Diababa snapped.

"You cannot be SERIOUS!" Link cried, his voice cracking. "I'm done! Fuck this, I'm outta here! The world can die a slow, painful death for all I care! I'm done. Done. No more. Done. Yup. I'm leaving." The not-hero turned on his heel and calmly approached the door, pressing his hands against it. "OPEN! DAMN YOU, OPEEEEEN!"

One of the bulbs picked Link up by the skull (an incredibly painful act for the record; their mouths are full of rather sharp teeth) and placed him in front of Diababa's amused eye.

Midna let out a sigh. "Link, kill her."

"I am not a HER!" Link let out a pitiful squeak. "Okay, that's a horrible lie, I am. Ha ha..."

The giant plant looked him over, eye darting rapidly. "Mmm... You look like a man on an adventure, and I like the sound of that. I'll tell you what... We're going to have a fight, and if you win you'll get this nice Fused Shadow I got a hold of somehow. If I win, you'll admit the glory of nature and how awesome plants are. Also, I get to eat one of your arms, maybe both. Sounds fair, right?"

Link opened his mouth with the intent to tell her to eat shit and die but his partner spoke first. "Deal."

"WHAT?"

"Excellent!" Diababa leaned down and, using her giant mouthless flower face mind you, planted a huge, wet, sloppy kiss on most of Link's upper body. "The deal is sealed!"

Link, now more disgusted than scared by now, struggled to escape the viscous molasses covering his upper body. "What the hell was that?"

"I sealed the deal," Diababa innocently answered. Her eye became thoughtful. "Oh, right, you humans have this weird connotation with kissing. Man, you guys are screwed up, perverted weirdos."

"What...? But... We've had that connotation for thousands of years!"

"In your society maybe. Did you ever think about the plants though? Maybe they just wanted a kiss to show that you appreciate them for helping you breathe, hm? So inconsiderate..."

"I-?"

"Less talking, more winning me that Fused Shadow," Midna harshly interrupted, tapping her wrist impatiently.

Link drew his sword. "Speaking of that, what's a Fused Shadow supposed to be?"

"You'll learn if you don't get dismembered."

Diababa's hand-mouth snapped forward, forcing Link into a dodge. He stood at the back of the room, avoiding the massive maws while giving them a slash or two for every miss. Despite this, he did not appear to be dealing any lasting damage to the plant monster. "I need backup!"

Far away, Ook lay dead on the floor.

Diababa smashed both bulbs at Link's sides, trapping him sufficiently enough to lay waste to the area with a blast of black sludge. "Come on, have some fighting spirit! You won't win with that attitude. Think like we have a past, maybe. I dunno, let's say I... killed your father. And fucked your mother. And killed your mother. And fucked your father. In that order. Heroes don't have living parents, right? Yeah, I did that."

"I'm not a hero!" the not-hero indignantly shouted.

Diababa waved an arm, bashing him onto his rear. "Sure you are. You've got the strange uniform, you're adventuring through dangerous temples and you're fighting for ancient world conquering artefacts. What part of that isn't all hero-like?"

The farm boy turned wolf turned skirt wearing farm boy staggered to his feet, glaring up at her. "The part where I just want to go home, that part!"

"Then why are you here?"

He jerked a thumb in his shadowy partner's direction. "She browbeat me into it!"

"By the way, there are bomblings down there that look might susceptible to the gale boomerang, if your incompetent brain gets what I mean."

Link's gaze filtered the room, quickly spotting a few bomblings resting on a floating log next to Diababa. "Since when have you decided to be helpful?" After receiving no answer, he whipped out his boomerang and threw it at the bombling. A tornado shot out from the bottom, sucking up the creature as it passed. To Link's horror, it returned with the walking explosive in tow.

"To respond to your previous question, I decided the fight got boring and that one of you blowing up will provide fantastic amusement. Enjoy."

Upon having the bomb land in his hands Link immediately tossed it to the side. The bombling landed next to one of Diababa's arms, exploding violently. The bulb was blown across the room, smashing into the hard wall. Diababa swore and pulled it into the water, leaving her with just one working arm.

"That was resourceful, I have to admit. Buuut, because that hurt..." She tipped the log, drowning the rest of the bomblings.

Unbeknownst to Diababa, bomblings are not water soluble and experience a harsh reaction when exposed to such a substance. They all exploded. The water, being full of toxins and pollutants that likely came from said bomblings, had a similar result when exposed, the explosion carrying across the water and even magnifying in intensity. It did not stop there, the large body of water exploding several more times thanks to the sheer amount of combustible substance lurking underneath. Diababa's reaction was as follows: "HEKABERDERPADIETABLEEeeh..." She then face-planted next to Link, sizzling loudly.

"Heeheehee."

Once he confirmed that she was not moving, Link hesitantly stepped closer. "Uh, you okay?"

A single flap slowly rose away from her head, revealing the despondent eye. "I... hurt... everywhere..."

Midna flew to them, barely trying to hide her grin. "You don't have anyone to blame but yourself."

"I... blame you."

"Hm? Why?"

"Because... you're not green."

The imp sighed, shaking her head. "Link, will you kill her already? Let's get that Fused Shadow."

A vine threw something from Diababa's base. The object arced through the air; Midna reflexively tried to grab it though the black mass just fell through her. "Oops. Anyway, there's your Fusion Shade whatsit."

Midna motioned for Link to grab the relic. He cautiously picked it up, breathing a sigh of relief when it didn't explode in his hand. After a second a crash sounded from the door, shaking the room. It only took one more kick for Odolwa to smash down the stone, hopping in on his other foot. "You got a Fused Shadow!" he declared. "Gather them all and you might be able to match the power of the king of twilight himself! By the way, we should go. I freed all the monkeys and they learned Gyorg stabbed their leader through the face. Now they're organizing a lynch mob. So, uh, bye!"

Odolwa took off, bounding across the chasm in one leap. Gyorg flopped out from behind a log, jumping up and down. "Leave me and I fucking swear I'll track you down and stab my horn so deep into your nuts-"

"Less talk, more me running!" The jungle warrior grabbed him by the tail and ran. As he passed a generic door a horde of monkeys emerged, screeching and flinging their feces at his running form. "Crap! Those simians have a wicked fastball!"

"I NOTICED."

Back in the boss chamber, the trio of newbies watched their companions flee until out of sight. "They'll be fine," Diababa grumbled, slowly raising herself upright. "He's green, meaning he's the colour of nature, and nothing bad can happen to nature."

Link could hear the monkeys returning. "As great as this conversation is, I think we should go."

-Outside-

"And we've gone."

Link walked out of the temple, Midna hidden within his shadow. Diababa's head popped out from behind a nearby tree, lowering to his side. "Hi."

"...Hi?"

The boy and the plant stared at each other. Link began to inch away. Diababa retreated into the tree and rose out of the grassy ground, effectively scaring Link. "So where are you going now?"

"...Places."

"Sounds cool. What kind of places?"

"...Home."

"No, you aren't." Midna shot out of his shadow, mocking the act of bumping him over the head. "We're going to get the other two Fused Shadows. I may tell you what they are when we get them all, or I may just show you."

"But I want to go home..."

"C'mon. You look good in a skirt!"

"You've clearly refined your persuasive abilities."

Link and Midna's banter eventually petered out. The two decided to visit the light spirit one last time before leaving to Hyrule because why not. That's usually how these things work, isn't it? Yes it is.

Link was starting to reluctantly accept that he had to do this. He was different, the twilight was not affecting him as it had everyone else. He was the only one they knew who stood a chance of fighting back. Unless they found someone else who could battle in the darkness, he was their sole hope. "I hate myself."

"She's still there," a voice said from his shadow.

Link glanced over his shoulder. Diababa's stalk poked out of a bush, the yellow eye staring into his soul. "Hi," perkily greeted the plant.

"...Hi."

-Faron's Spring-

The light spirit revealed itself again, lazily hanging from its orb. "Welcome back, heroic- No, wait, you're the anti-hero, aren't you? I sense that you have been successful in your purging of the evil from these woods."

Link pulled out the Fused Shadow. "Does it count if we're holding onto it?"

Faron shrugged. "I never said you had to remove it conventionally. Take it as you go."

From a tree behind Faron, Diababa snaked out and raised herself behind the light spirit. "So where to next?"

The greater being jumped in shock, losing grip on the light orb and falling into the spring in an undignified heap. The orb shimmered and fell, bouncing off the possum's face on the way down.

"Whoops, sorry about that."

Faron did not move. "Go east," it calmly said, too calmly. "Talk to Eldin. My fellow spirits are still in need of their light. Doomed land, twilight all over, be the beast, et cetera. Go get it for them, immediately."

"Okay," Link squeaked, fearful of its wrath.

"I did not tell you to say anything. Go."