Liz watched from the car as Red shook hands with his contact. They both seemed to be on friendly enough terms as they began to speak to each other while occasionally laughing and using exaggerated hand gestures. She was far enough away that she couldn't hear what was being said, and couldn't read their lips either. So she was forced to guess what they were speaking about; Red had refused to tell her any details, and only wanted her to come along so they could find the next blacklister after he received his information.
She closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose tiredly, then yawned widely as she leaned her head against the passenger side window. It was beginning to get chilly in the car and she wished she could turn the car back on, but that would only attract unwanted attention. The silence was broken by a strange, muffled noise which caused her to open her eyes; then she felt her stomach drop to her toes.
What had seemingly been a friendly meeting, now found Red on the ground holding his thigh with blood spilling out around his hand. She moved to open the door, but then pulled her hand back when she realized that she didn't have a way to defend herself or him; not to mention the fact that she was pregnant. She would die if she attempted to save him.
She sat back heavily and watched as the contact circled Red like a predatory lion stalking its prey. She felt hot tears rolling down her cheeks as Red clearly tried to convince the man to listen to him, but he kept on circling Red, his stride confident and deadly.
Minutes passed as they continued to argue. She felt like her very soul was being ripped away while waiting for one of them to make their move. She rubbed her belly to calm herself as Red's blood continued to pour out of his leg. She could see that he was pale from where she sat, and knew he wouldn't make it if they didn't get out of this situation soon; she needed the father of her baby and the man she loved to live. She couldn't imagine him not being in her life.
Just as she opened the door (to do something), another gunshot rang out. She jumped out of the car and ran as fast as she could towards Red's prone body. She saw the contact in the corner of her eye running away, but at this point she didn't care. Red couldn't die. He couldn't. She wouldn't allow it.
She saw a clear bullet hole where his heart was and let out a strangled sob as she checked for a pulse. There wasn't one. She began CPR just because she didn't know what else to do, but every time she pushed down, blood would seep out of the hole in his chest. She knew it was hopeless. Knew she should be on her phone reporting it. But she couldn't move her hands from his body. He was dead. Raymond Reddington was dead.
Her brain couldn't quite reconcile that fact with her heart. She gave up on CPR and laid her head against his belly, then caressed his still warm, slightly stubbly jaw with her fingers.
She'd never felt so heartbroken. So alone. So deserted. So...nothing.
OOOOOO
"Lizzie! Wake up!" There was a hand shaking her shoulder roughly.
She shot up from where she had been lying on his lap and wrenched her shoulder from his grasp then turned around with tears running down her cheeks. She threw her arms around him and pulled him against her roughly as she tried to calm her breathing. Then she realized where she was, what she was doing, and that he was very much alive... and not returning the embrace.
Embarrassed, she pulled away and sat back heavily against the couch. Red turned his body towards her and wiped her cheek softly with his fingers. "Do you want to talk about it?" His face was full of concern. Damn him.
No. She didn't. That dream just showed her all her fears that she had been keeping bottled up. Something like that was going to happen someday, and she was powerless to stop it. That's why she had run away from him in the first place. If this is what she felt like when he wasn't really dead, then how much worse would it be if he actually was? She would die of a broken heart. It would be so much easier to just leave him now and get it over with. At least she wouldn't have to witness his death.
She was more conflicted than ever.
She sat up a little straighter and pushed his hand from her shoulder. "I just dreamed about something happening to the baby. I'm fine." She forced a smile and averted her eyes. She knew she didn't sound convincing.
"Lizzie." He said warningly.
She took a deep breath and looked at him again. "Really, Red. It just scared me, but I'm ok." She stood up as fast as her body would allow and held a hand out for him to take. He looked at it, then at her with a raised eyebrow.
She wiggled her fingers a little and said with fake light-heartedness, "I feel like doing some sightseeing. Come on."
He took her hand reluctantly and stood up without her having to pull. He still looked concerned and she knew she wasn't fooling him, but for some reason he wasn't calling her out on it. "What do you want to see?"
She let go of his hand and walked to the entryway to slip her shoes and coat on, then turned to see him still standing where she'd left him. "Oh, I don't know. There's a place called Peacock Island that might be fun to go see." As she stood there and watched him watch her, all she could see was his dead body lying on the cold sidewalk with a bullet in his chest. Tears started prick at the back of her eyes again, and she quickly turned around and pretended to zip up her coat. As she fiddled with the zipper and tried to get herself back under control, she heard slow, deliberate footsteps approach from behind her. She closed her eyes and tried to prepare herself for whatever he was about to do.
Hands wrapped around her upper arms, then his lips were on the shell of her ear as he pulled her against his chest. "Lizzie, I want the truth. We won't ever be able to work anything out if you can't even tell me what you dreamed about."
Liz couldn't help but notice how good he smelled as she held herself rigid against his body and contemplated what to tell him. He would probably understand and try to make her feel better, but anything he said wouldn't be the truth; because the truth was that he lived a dangerous life, and he could be killed at any time. She didn't know how to accept that. Ignorance had been bliss before, but now that she had a vivid picture of his death, she couldn't get it out of her head.
He kissed her ear, then the spot front of her ear as he waited for her to say something. She cleared her throat and tried to pull out of his grasp, but he held her in her place. "Please..don't," she whispered.
He wrapped his arms around her middle and splayed his hands on her belly while nuzzling her hair with his nose. "Don't what, sweetheart?"
"Don't toy with me. I know what you're trying to do." His thumbs began moving in soothing circular motions as he contemplated what to say.
He sighed close to her ear, his warm breath moving across her jaw. "I'm not trying to do anything devious. I'm not trying to manipulate you. I'm trying to make you comfortable enough to tell me why you're acting like you're suddenly afraid of me. What happened in your dream?" He said a little more forcefully.
The baby kicked one of his hands and he let out a quiet huff of surprise, then moved that hand around to try to get the baby to kick him again. Her arms still hung at her sides as she watched his attempts. She could tell he already loved the baby, and she knew he would be a great father, but he was dangerous. She kept repeating that in her mind over and over but yet didn't have to strength or the courage to push him away like she knew she should.
"I don't want to talk about it, ok? Can't you just accept what I already told you? Why does everything have to be so damned difficult with you!" She could feel her heart start to pound as anger coursed through her
He suddenly pulled away and turned her around to face him, then gripped her shoulders tightly. "Tell me." He was angry now. She flinched as he moved his face close to hers. He'd never turned his anger on her like this, and it was a little scary. She knew he wouldn't hurt her, but it still struck fear in her heart.
She clenched her jaw and put her hands on his chest to push him away; he didn't move very far. "Fine. You want to know what I dreamed about? I dreamed about you dying. Right in front of me. I was pregnant and I couldn't do a damn thing to save you. I watched as some vile man shot you in the heart then left you to die. I ran over as soon as it was safe, but it was no good. You were already dead. You want to know how I felt? I felt like my heart was breaking in two. That my soul was being ripped from me. That's what I dreamed about, ok? Any questions?" His grip had gone slack on her shoulders during her explanation, so she took the opportunity to pull away and walk into her bedroom without another word. She closed the door, then slid her coat and shoes back off and laid down on the bed. She felt like crying, but the tears didn't come; so she stared up at the ceiling fan and waited for him to come in her bedroom and try to tell her that her dream didn't mean anything.
He never came.
OOOOOO
She must have fallen asleep, because when she woke up the light was low in her room, indicating that the sun was setting. She glanced over at the clock and was surprised to see it was already past 5:00 PM. She'd been asleep for over three hours, and Red hadn't come.
"What the hell?" She mumbled as she stood up from the bed with a groan and used the restroom, then opened her door and walked quietly down the hallway. When she reached the living room area, he was nowhere to be found.
Knitting her eyebrows together, she proceeded to search the rest of her apartment with no avail. He wasn't there. He'd left her.
She walked into the kitchen and took another couple of bananas off the bunch sitting on the counter, then sat down at the table to eat them. As she chewed, she spotted a note sitting on the counter by the fridge. She stood up and walked over to it, then read his short note
There are things we both need to think about. I'll return when I have some answers.
~R
She read the note three more times, but couldn't seem to wrap her brain around the fact that he'd left. Just left without telling her when he'd return. She pushed back the tears that threatened once again. There was no use in crying, but she felt abandoned, and imagined that that was how he had felt when she'd done it to him. She sighed and held the note in her hand as she sat back down and finished her bananas. She didn't feel hungry; but knew she needed to eat for the baby's sake.
After she finished, she walked around her apartment aimlessly while continuing to hold his note. It felt to her that if she put it down, he would disappear from her life forever. She couldn't think about that.
She didn't know what to do. What had she done before when he wasn't in her life? All she could think about was Red. He consumed her thoughts the rest of the day, then all night as she dreamed about him. The dreams were happy dreams of them as a family, and she woke up the next morning craving his presence. She needed him like she needed air, and hoped he would return soon.
He didn't. He didn't return for many days.
OOOOOO
Two weeks passed without him coming back to her. She had tried calling him multiple times, but he never answered. She searched the streets for him, but didn't have any luck. So she gave up calling and searching for him and just went through the motions. She ate and slept like clockwork, but didn't find any joy in any of it. She just was.
Today she had her twenty-four week appointment. She didn't want to go. Didn't want the doctor to lecture her about her weight and how she ate. Didn't want to see their baby without him there. But she forced herself to shower and dress, then rode the bus to her appointment. She sat in the waiting room for them to call her back and stared down at her clasped hands lost in thought. The front door of the doctor's office opened and closed, but she didn't bother to look up. It was probably just another patient.
Someone sat down in the chair next to her. She heaved an annoyed sigh and looked up to say something, but froze with her mouth half open. It was him, dressed in grey trousers and a blue button down shirt with a grey vest. She tried not to stare.
She blinked a few times, but couldn't seem to get her mouth to work as they continued to stare at each other. He was the first to break the silence. "Lizzie." His voice was full of an emotion she couldn't identify. She felt like slapping him, but at the same time wanted to throw herself into his arms and kiss him senseless.
She settled for punching him in the arm. Hard. "What the hell, Red?"
He grimaced and rubbed his arm. "Did you not see my note?"
She shook her head incredulously. "Of course I did, you bastard. I thought you would be gone for a day, maybe two. Not two weeks!" She punched him again and continued to shake her head angrily.
Red glanced around the room, then leaned close and said, "Let me at least ex-"
"Melinda?" A pleasant voice interrupted their conversation, and they both shot back from each other like they'd been caught making out.
She put her hand over her racing heart and looked at the nurse. "Sorry."
The nurse smiled and gestured for her to follow her back, but hesitated when she saw Red. "Will he be coming back too?"
Liz stood and looked down to see Red biting the inside of his cheek as he looked at her. He clearly wanted to go back with her, but didn't want to ask. She rolled her eyes, then turned to the nurse and nodded. "If that's not a problem?"
The nurse shook her head. "Oh no, we have husbands come all the time. He is welcome."
She didn't bother to correct the nurse as she followed after her then heard Red's quiet footsteps following behind. They were led into a room, then left alone to wait for the doctor.
The tension between them the quiet room was uncomfortable. She didn't want to feel like that around him, but he owed her some answers; but unfortunately, now wasn't the time.
He sat next to her in one of the two chairs and put his arm on the back of it hers. She could feel the heat of his arm, but refused to lean into him. She kept her hands to herself and stared at the table in front of her, wishing the doctor would come.
As they continued to sit in silence, he crossed his legs and began to run his fingertips across her back lightly. She wanted to pull away and tell him to knock it off, but it felt good, so she allowed him to do it, but didn't react; she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.
Another few minutes passed, then the doctor walked in with a smile and a "Good morning."
Liz finally found an excuse to move away from his hand as she reached out and shook the doctor's hand. She looked at Red and said, "Who's this?"
Liz contemplated how to answer her, then opened her mouth to say something, but Red sat forward and held his hand out. "I'm her husband, Jack. Nice to meet you." Liz internally sighed, but vowed not to show her annoyance to the doctor.
The doctor shook his hand, then turned to Liz and asked her to sit on the table. Liz moved over and sat down, then laid down and let the doctor measure her belly. Then she sat up and answered questions about how she was feeling. Liz gave all the standard answers while ignoring Red's eyes on her, it was unnerving.
The doctor seemed satisfied with her answers and asked if she would like to see the baby. She would never turn down an offer to see him, so she nodded and laid back down as the doctor drug the ultrasound machine over. Red stood up from his chair and stopped near her hip, then smiled down at her. She tried to smile back, but it was more like a grimace as the doctor pulled her shirt up and squeezed the gel on her belly.
Liz took a deep breath as the doctor began to move the wand over her stomach. She watched the screen with wide eyes as their son showed up on the computer screen. He was awake and moving around. She grinned widely, then glanced at Red to see that he was doing the same; it was a beautiful sight.
His hand was resting near hers, and he moved his pinky and hooked it with her thumb as they continued to watch their son. She didn't try to pull away, but she didn't encourage it either. She was still angry at him.
The doctor told them with a smile that everything looked normal and that she was the proper size for how far along she was. She nodded, then felt disappointed when the doctor pulled the wand away and handed Red a towel to wipe her belly off. He didn't attempt to give it to her, and instead wiped the gel off for her, then helped her up. She nodded her thanks as the doctor handed her the pictures she had printed out, then told her she wanted to see her in six weeks and left.
Red helped her off the table, then suddenly leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. He pulled away after a moment and she watched as his cheek twitched. She could tell he hadn't meant to kiss her, but had done so anyway. "I apologize, I..." He trailed off, seemingly at a loss for what to say.
She sighed tiredly, not in the mood to fight with him, and she had secretly enjoyed feeling his lips on hers. So she nodded her head in acknowledgement of his apology, then squeezed his forearm as she passed him and walked out of the room; he followed close behind her. They didn't touch or speak again, and Liz didn't know how to begin the conversation that they needed to have. She felt like there was a chasm between them that was even farther apart than before.
She made her next appointment, then bade the receptionist goodbye and walked out of the office. It was a dull, cloudy day, and supposedly it was going to snow later that day. She hoped to be home before it started.
They walked side by side to the bus stop; their hands occasionally brushing, but never connecting. He seemed content to let the silence continue, and it annoyed her to no end.
He followed her on the bus and sat close to her, then reached over and laced his fingers with hers. She turned look at him with narrowed brows. She was sick of his continued refusal to begin their conversation. "What are you doing?"
He look at her with pursed lips, his eyes unreadable behind his sunglasses. "I'm holding your hand."
She sighed. "You know what I'm talking about, smartass. Why are you following me? Why come back now after two weeks away?"
He squeezed her hand, but kept his eyes on the seat in front of him. "Because you needed time away from me, that much was obvious. I needed time to think, too." He shrugged, her eyes darting to the wide expanse of his shoulders; she'd always loved them.
She leaned closer to his ear so they wouldn't be overheard. "So you needed two damn weeks to think? I only needed two hours. What the hell made you think I would need that long?"
He turned to look at her, his features pinched in anger. "It's not always just about you, Lizzie."
He was right of course. She was being selfish, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Sometimes she wished her life was different, this was one of those moments.
She pulled her hand away from him and crossed her arms over her belly, as if she was protecting herself and their baby from him. He didn't seem to notice as he clasped his hands and stared out the window next to him.
Their conversation hadn't made things better, and the ever widening gap between them grew.
The bus rumbled to a stop, and she stood up as quickly as she could and walked down the narrow aisle, not waiting for him to follow. She stepped off the bus and began the five minute walk to her house, and sighed when she heard his familiar footsteps. She didn't slow her gait, and he seemed content to follow behind her. Her back and shoulders ached from holding her body so stiffly as she walked. She didn't like that he was following her, but she couldn't tell him to go away, because he wouldn't.
She reached her apartment and unlocked the door, leaving it open for him, then strode inside and walked into the kitchen to find something to eat; she was starving. She made herself a bowl of cereal and sat down at the table to eat it. The door closed quietly, then she looked up to see that he had removed his sunglasses and was stuffing them in his vest pocket. He sat down next to her and toyed with a paper that was sitting on the table. They sat in silence, the only sound coming from her mouth as she continued to eat.
After a few moments, he finally sat up straight and put his hand over hers to still her movements so she would look at him. Once she did, he rose his eyebrows and said, "Are you ready to listen to what I have to say, or are you going to continue to be selfish?"
She winced. Ouch. He really knew how to hurt her when he wanted.
She bit her lip and nodded. "Talk away."
AN: So this chapter was a struggle..I apologize if it came off that way. Writer's block sucks. Thanks so much for the reviews/follows/favs for this story. I do this for you guys, and I appreciate the support. I would love to hear what you think! Thanks for reading. :)
Special thanks to FrostyFingers for going the extra mile and helping me out more than she realizes. 3