I wrote this and a lot of the next chapter in one session, so it shouldn't take too long to update.

By the way, one of the words in this title is a lie.

Published October 19, 2011

The Wise Old Owl

Kakariko Village was the perfect definition of a ghost town: silent, empty, and the host of a single tumbleweed. Link quietly walked down the main road, eyes darting in search of any movement. His partner did not share his anxiety.

"Ah, you're too tense. It's making your back all rigid. Calm down a little, will-"

"SH!" the not-hero hissed, cutting her off. "As long as we make no noise, nothing will find us. Everything is hiding and the moment we give any sign that we're here they'll jump out."

Midna happily stood up, easily balancing on his spine. Clearing her throat, she let out a mighty shriek. Windows broke. A certain dog fell to the ground, writhing in agony. An avalanche could be heard on the nearby mountain. But nothing attacked them yet.

"See? You're being paranoid."

"I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"

She shrugged.

On cue, three shadow beasts emerged from a nearby alleyway. One pointed at them, hissed irately. "They don't look very happy..."

"Did you deduce that all on your own? Good boy! Want a biscuit?" Ignoring her, Link reluctantly went to work on the shadow beasts. He soon discovered that he could use magic twilight powers to spear his body through all three of them consecutively, effectively stopping their revival powers. This was perceived by the not-hero as awesome.

They approached the town's spring, seeing a giant ball of light floating just above the water. Link sat at the pool's edge. The spirit hovered quietly. Link cleared his throat.

The spirit snapped awake. "Eh? Oh. Hello. Who're you?"

"Link. Not the hero, just a poor guy forced into adventures far beyond his control."

"Oh. Link, sounds like a fine name. Your mother must be very proud of you."

"My mom's dead... I think."

"Oh. That's... that's not... good..." The spirit went quiet. Link's sensitive ears caught a softening in its breathing.

"AHEM!"

It snorted loudly, yawning. "Eh? Oh. Hello again. I am the spirit Eldin. Great big bird, fantastic to look at. Well, I used to be. I'm not much now. Who're you?"

"Link."

"Oh, yes, yes, I knew that. You told me, didn't you? Did you? Maybe... Can you help me get my body back? My light seems to have been taken. I can't believe someone took my light, that wasn't nice at all. Can you help me get my body back?"

"Please say yes. Quickly."

"For once I agree with you," Link sighed. "Yeah, I'll get right on that."

A snore escaped Eldin.

"HELLO!"

"Eh? Oh, hello. Terrible weather, isn't it?"

-Several minutes later-

Link tore another bug in half, its body dissolving into light. "How many more?"

"A lot. One's running into that house, you should chase it. Go get 'em, boy. Mush!"

Taking a page from Santa Claus, Link climbed onto the roof and dropped down the chimney. This proved a painful endeavour when he got stuck almost immediately, spine bent 180 degrees. "Midna... Help..."

"Heeheeheeheehee."

"SHUT U- OW. This was a horrible idea..."

Midna teleported above him, contemplating her options. The Twili settled for dropping from fifty feet in the air over and over, gradually shoving him further down the duct. By the time he was free, the former human never felt so happy to be covered in ash and filth.

There were familiar spirits in the house. Talo, Malo, Colin and Beth were huddled together beside two unknown but very strange looking figures: what appeared to be a young girl sporting a fashionable bowl cut and an adult man... woman... something.

"I dun see can't not see dem dere o' them black brutameguys no more ma see," another spirit said, a middle aged man with a welding mask who was crouched beside the window.

"Thank you, Barnes," the indeterminable it said, annoying Link with its gender neutral voice.

"Now ask me ya do 'nd I bet I'd bet to ya dat all dem brutameguy whatsits ain't no gonna not keep in de open no nots it then FEAST once no more their prey does go 'nd themselves in a hole to hide and not," Barnes continued.

"Renado, what's he saying?" Talo questioned.

"You do not want to know," it, now identified with the gender ambiguous Renado, answered. "Just know that we are safe here. There is no way that they can break through the chair I pushed under the doorknob."

Barnes wasn't done however. "Now I dunno what you gone and thinking you thinks ya think, bu' way back gone when dose brutameguys went and came to now the place here that's here and all dat, ma boomsticks weren't not can't even 'ut a chicken scratch back on the thighs."

"I think I caught a little of that one," Beth piped in.

"AH!" Barnes hurled a bomb out the window, the blast incinerating the town's tumbleweed. "Aw, can't no good 'at can't be..."

A sharp tug on his ear caught Link's attention. He turned back, getting a face full of Midna's cheeky grin. "Look at that. You found those kiddies, how sweet."

"Yaaay! They look tasty."

"THE HELL?"

Midna smacked him not so lightly. "Use your indoor voice indoors."

-A few bugs later-

A fiery storm surrounded Link, the house he was inside being completely engulfed in flame. Explosives were going off left and right, rafters crashing to the ground. Midna had retreated out a nearby window once the situation got hot, bailing while she could. "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

-Several minutes of pest killing later-

"Hm? What's that?" Midna pointed him in the direction of a glowing gold obelisk, standing out amidst the twilight bloom effect.

Link poked his nose around the statue. "I'm feeling a strange urge to howl at it. Make it stop!"

"Mmmm... no. You must give in to your beastly urges. It will amuse me."

"Yeah! Mount that statue and show it who's boss!"

"NO! I'm not howling at it and I'm not humping it!"

"Aw, really?" From the dark shadow of the stone popped the golden wolf, effectively scaring Link. "We can have a duet, it'll be so great! I'll be howling, you'll be howling, and we can howl this song I learned way back in the day. Wow, I feel so old..."

"WHEN DID YOU GET THERE?"

"I'm a myyysticaaal gooolden wooolf, oooOOOooo... I can be anywhere."

"...I'm still not howling a song. It would sound terrible like this."

The wolf's head dipped. "You're no fun. Come meet me again when you're back to normal and I'll teach- Ooo, shiny!" The golden wolf shot off at maximum speed, requiring no acceleration, and snatched up one of the bugs. The gears in Link's head began to turn.

"You know, there are a lot more shiny bugs than that one."

The wolf's head jerked back at them, eyebrows almost shooting into the sky. "Shiny?"

"Yes, shiny."

With their new pest hunting machine the trio, or quartet depending on your views, continued their hunt. The gold wolf was good at finding the shiny bugs, tracking them with record time. "Man, this brings back memories," the wolf said. "I once hunted fairies with two ogres, and it was just like this except we used hands instead of faces and put them in a sack instead of tearing them in half."

"What exactly did you do in your past life?" Link asked.

"I was a great hero!" The wolf struck a pose. "I saved the world three times! Though no one really remembers the first one because it didn't actually happen, but I did it! Well, the first two weren't actually saving the world. I stopped a totalitarian monarchy from usurping the current totalitarian monarchy. The difference was that ours is better. They said we could have cake!" Link and Midna just stared.

"You should gut him."

-Soon after-

In a flash of light, Link and Midna were teleported back to Eldin's spring. The light they gathered congregated around the luminous sphere, forming the light spirit's body. Twilight faded away, returning Link to human form and reducing his cohort back to a shadow.

"Tee hee, enjoy the spirit!" Midna cackled, dropping into his silhouette.

A gigantic owl faded into view, perching on top of the light. "Oh? Hello, I'm Eldin. Who're you?"

"Link."

"Oh yes, Link, Link, right, yes, how forgetful of me. I am Eldin, spirit of Eldin Province. It's named after me. Now down to business. As you may be able to tell, a mysterious twilight has fallen over my land and I need your help to fix it, Hero of Twilight."

If it was possible, Link would have dropped dead from disbelief right there. "Eldin, the twilight's gone."

The great bird tilted its head, taking in the surroundings. "Oh, it is. Well look at that, the twilight's gone! Now I can go back to sleep, yes I can."

"Before you do that, can you tell me where I can find something called a Fused Shadow?"

It looked off vacantly, closing its eyes. "Fused Shadow? Mmm... I have no idea."

Letting out a sigh, Link turned away. "I thought not. I'm just going to that big volcano. This is probably the fire stage, so it must be in the hottest spot."

"Oh, yes, good luck with whatever. I'm going to sleep, good night." The owl folded its wings, fading away with the light.

"I feel like I've made a terrible mistake in reviving that one."

The door to Renado's house opened, revealing the curious children. Upon seeing Link they rushed at him, whooping and cheering fanatically.

"We knew you'd come!" Talo exclaimed.

"...Yay," Colin said.

"Good job, Link!" Beth congratulated.

Malo began rubbing his hands together. "Yes, now that they are dead I can TAKE OVER THE WORLD, HA HA HA HA HAA!"

Talo laughed nervously, stepping away. "Yeah, he's been like that ever since we got here. No one knows why."

"It's just a phase," Link said, shrugging nonchalantly.

As he was horded by the kids Link noticed Renado and Barnes were approaching him. It was taller than expected, towering over the not-hero. "Are you the one from Ordon they kept talking about?"

"Sadly, yes. How would you like to be the new hero?"

Barnes rolled his eyes. "This 'ne kid her wit got now that there and stuffin' can't no 'ay be 'ne guy who save and killed and saved ma tewn," he scoffed.

"Quiet, Barnes," Renado sighed. "I am Renado, shaman of this town. You can tell this because of my robes and how I never use contractions."

"Understandable. I'm Link. Can I ask how these guys ended up all the way out here and not eaten?"

"Ha! I fought off those monsters singlehandedly!" Talo began swinging his fists around like he had broken into his father's liquor cabinet again, likely trying to imitate fighting.

"What Talo certainly means is that I found them outside the town," Renado said, quickly cutting him off. "The beasts appeared to have abandoned them."

"Well that's stupid. They should have torn those brats limb from limb and feasted on their innards then and there! You may have noticed that I don't like children, especially blondes. That one needs to suffer..."

"Times have grown dark quickly in this small town." Renado was apparently continuing. "The dark beasts emerging was a shock, but even worse was the sudden change in the mountain dwelling Goron tribe. They had long been our friends, but now treat us as though foes, refusing to let us near their mines." It shook its head, sighing again. "It strains the limits of belief to think that they could change so suddenly..."

"I shink jabe gont wanna kaput whan da witz." Blood trickled out of Link's ear, his eye rapidly twitching.

Renado nodded. "For once, I agree with you, Barnes. Now Link, you must take these children and flee this village as soon as possible. There is no telling when those beasts could return."

Even though he had no clue whether Renado was a man or a woman and the question was haunting his every thought, Link felt Renado was his favourite acquaintance so far. "Gladly. Let's go. Preferably before I get assaulted by a kissing plant monster."

As soon as the words left his mouth, the not-hero felt a sense of dread wrap around his bones. A loud neigh to the west confirmed his suspicions: Epona was here, and she was angry.

His horse easily cleared the gate to the village, two Bokoblin latched onto her back in a vain attempt to capture the beast. "This one's insane!" Hkyl screeched.

Wwvr was screaming and began to punch her brother for no discernible reason.

"I deserve this!" the brother yelled before they were both flung from Epona's back.

The horse turned her eyes to Link, staring him down. "Heh heh, nice horsey. It's me, the guy who feeds and grooms you. You don't want to hurt the guy who feeds and grooms you, do you?"

Epona let out a ferocious roar and then made a beeline for his head. He quickly lunged to the side, narrowly avoiding imminent death. Epona skidded to a stop, rearing up on her hind legs.

Inspiration struck. "This is a terrible idea..." Link ran forward, jumping onto her back and holding on tightly.

-Moments later-

Link's hat was drenched, along with the rest of his body, when Epona fired him into the light spirit's pond. She followed up by trampling him repeatedly, eventually calming down. "Good... girl..." he choked out.

"LIIIIINK!" Diababa popped up in front of him and, before he could object, planted a sloppy wet one that engulfed his entire face. "Hi."

Link shoved her back, repeatedly dunking his head in the water. "I can't believe I need to teach you this. That is not how people say hi to each other! We say 'hi' and don't have a root shoved down our throats. Stick to the 'hi'!"

His nature-flavoured partner chortled. "That's being melodramatic, and we don't like that in these parts. It's just a greeting. I greeted your horse the same way."

"I think I understand her reaction now."

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

I'm sure I've told a lot of reviewers this already, but for those who don't know the bosses from Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask were going to permanently join Link's party. Eventually, I realized writing for 18 or so characters at once in Majora's Mask was damn hard and adding eight or so more would push too many personalities into the background. So that was canned to put more focus on the new guys.