I just ordered Makai Kingdom, Xenosagas 1 through 3, and Resonance of Fate. Coupled with Disgaea 4, Agarest War and War for Cyberton, I am going to have way too many games to play. TOO MANY DECISIONS!

A while ago, someone asked how the hell I thought up the idea of Volvagia breathing underwater. It was anonymous, so I couldn't respond, but since I figure more than one person is wondering I'll just say the answer here. Basically, the water temple is after the fire one. There is no reasonable way to get Volvagia in there, but I wanted to develop his character as he was the newest member. "Fuck it, Volvagia breathes underwater now!" was what I believe I said.

Published October 25, 2011

Bulls, Boars and a Black Abyss

Link cantered Epona through Hyrule Field, his mission clear. He was going to Ordon Village to tell the mayor that the kids were all right and Renado was arranging transportation for them. Renado also gave him a stranger request, to get something from Bo that would allow a human to overpower a Goron of all things.

"Faster, you can do better than that and you know it! I know it which means you know it because I know you know I know it!" Diababa was rambling about something for which he didn't care enough to find context.

After a few minutes they reached their first obstacle. The gaping chasm still lacked a bridge, effectively halting all passage. He scratched Epona behind the ear. "This just makes me wonder how you got across..."

Epona bolted, running at the gorge. "NO, I DIDN'T MEAN KILL US ALL! STOP! NO!"

His horse leaped, clearing the gap in two jumps.

"Oh. That was... wait, what?"

Within a few hours they had reached Ordon Village. Mayor Bo looked quite eager to see Link and Epona, not yet noticing the plant monster hidden amongst the trees. "Link? You're safe! Your clothes... what happened these last few days?"

"You don't want to know."

Diababa poked her head out. "I happened! Hi."

"You really don't want to know. Let's talk inside."

-And now for something completely different-

Odolwa and Gyorg hung over a pot of bubbling ooze, tied together, dozens of screeching monkeys surrounding them. "How the fuckity fucking fuck did this happen?" Gyorg roared, rocking their confines.

"Careful!" his cohort warned. "You never know-"

The rope dropped.

-Back to our regular program-

Link finished his cup of tea. "And that's a summary of all you need to know. And that was a convenient segway."

A small smile crossed Bo's lips. "Thank you, Link. Renado's an old friend who can definitely keep them safe. I trust Renado. But you said Ilia wasn't with them?"

"Yes I did. Several seconds ago in fact."

"I see. That ain't what I wanted to hear... But she's a strong girl. I know she'll be fine."

-Elsewhere-

"Are you idiots keeping these poor Bulbos in a sewer? Their coats are filthy! Poor little guys, and shame on all of you! I should kill you where you stand, not for kidnapping me, but for not giving these guys their daily bath! They aren't even on a proper diet! Really, look at how fat this one is. What do you do in your spare time? Do you think you don't have to take care of them? You ride them, if they're unhealthy and not well kept then you're going to crash on your face one day!"

One Bulblin pulled out a club. The others nodded.

-Picking up from where we left off-

"Completely fine... Now, Link, we have other things to discuss. Namely, how I can help."

Link refilled his tea cup. "Do you have some sort of gauntlet that grants the wearer tons of strength, more than enough to overpower a Goron?"

Bo blinked. Then he burst into laughter. "Of course not!" the big man cried, wiping a tear from his eye. "That's just stupid. What I do have is a pair of boots that will make you really heavy and able to stand getting hit by one of them."

"Or make your feet in one place and your head in another."

"But before I give them to you, I must pass on the techniques. Come with me." Bo led Link into his back room. The centre was cleared out letting Link gaze at the medium sized circle placed on the floor. "Now remove your shirt!"

"Huh?"

"Dammit Link, do you want to know the ancient way of the sumo or not? Take it off!"

Link removed his shirt. "Okay, now what?"

"And your pants too!"

"Huh?"

"Do as I say!"

His pants soon joined his tunic, leaving Link in just his undies. "Is that all?"

Bo opened up a treasure chest, tossing the contents to Link. "Now put on that giant diaper!"

"Wait, what?"

"Do you want these iron boots or not?"

"Not really..."

"Put the diaper on!"

Link obeyed, noticing that Bo was now dressed in the same attire. "Any other ways you want me to degrade myself?"

"Yes. We must cover our bodies in this oil so that when we slap each other it will be really loud!"

-Four minutes later-

Rusl stared at the back wall of Mayor Bo's house, abject horror written plainly across his face. He could not stop questioning the sound effects occurring on the other side of the wood.

"Is that all, Link?" Bo's voice shouted from within. "I thought you would have lasted longer!"

"I'm not done yet!" Link snapped. "I did not strip down like this just to lose! I have a stake in this now."

"Another round left in you, eh? I like that! Get over here and take this like the man you are!"

After a short silence, another series of slaps struck Rusl's ears.

"Urgh! You're getting better. I didn't think a kid like you could put me in a position like this so quickly..."

"There's more to me than meets the eye."

Rusl shook his head, forcing his legs to take him away. "Some days I wonder..."

Inside, Link had just succeeded in ejecting Bo from the ring, winning the round. "Well played," Bo grunted, sitting up. He spotted Link pouring a barrel of water on his oily body. "You have skill, but that alone won't be enough to beat the Gorons. That's why you can find an iron pair of boots in that chest over there."

Link put the barrel down, satisfied. "Any chance of some iron gloves so I don't dust my fists when I hit them?"

Bo immediately broke into laughter. "Gloves? Made of metal? All those hits to the head must have finally caught up! Heh, metal gloves... Really, Link?"

As he dressed back up Link snatched the iron boots. Despite being able to weigh him down while worn, the boots did not cause any slowness when put in his pack. "Watch it, those things are heavy!"

-In the forest-

"AHHH! IRON BOOTS! REALLY HEAVY! WEAR THEM AND YOU CAN STAND STILL HARD! OH NAYRU IT BURNS!"

-Back with Link-

As he left Bo's house, Link heard a wheeze. Pausing he looked around. Aside from a few people going about their everyday lives and Rusl staring blankly into the sky, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

He heard it again. Narrowing his eyes, Link tried to trace the direction of the sound. It was behind, no, below him. "Midna..."

"Can't breathe," Midna rasped from his shadow. "Laughing so hard, nothing left, air, I need air..."

"I'm not even going to ask." He mounted Epona and set course for Kakariko Village.

Back in Kakariko, Talo and Beth were discussing current politics in the streets. "The totalitarian monarchy we have right now will only drag this country down if we keep it," Talo stated. "Putting the rights of the people in one person's hands can never go well."

"Maybe, but there's a better chance of one ruler remaining uncorrupted than a dozen rulers," Beth countered. "With a diplomatic regime, it's entirely possible to buy out more than one senator, whereas a king or queen will be impossible for even the rich to buy out. It's the best that we can get at the moment."

Their discussion was interrupted by a rumbling, the sound of heavy hooves closing in. From around the corner rode King Bulblin and Lord Bulbo, their posse just behind. "WOO, HELL YEAH! We are gonna FUCK YOUS UP!"

The two children took off in a run, but Lord Bulbo was faster. The steed was quickly closing in, the rider's hand outstretched.

Suddenly, Colin walked outside. "...What's-"

King Bulblin snatched him up.

Just as this was occurring Link rode into town, still terrified by his excursion over the crevice. It was not difficult to notice Bulblin. "Who the hell are you?"

"WE'RE LORD BULBO AND KING BULBLIN, BITCH!" Surprisingly, it was not Bulblin but Bulbo, the boar, who said this. Bulblin remained silent.

Link blinked. "Uh, okay. Lord and King-"

"DIPSHIT! YOU DO NOT ADDRESS KING BULBLIN. YOU ADDRESS ME SO I CAN ADDRESS KING BULBLIN!"

"Whatever! Just tell me what you're doing with the kid."

Bulbo smashed a hoof on the ground, snorting in rage. "DO NOT ADDRESS KING BULBLIN AND LORD BULBO WITH SUCH LITTLE RESPECT!"

Link turned to Diababa. "Thrash 'em."

"Aye aye, captain!"

Diababa lunged forward, launching an arm at the duo. Bulbo reacted by running off, barely dodging her initial strike. The plant squealed, pursuing with glee. Shrugging, Link followed.

Epona swerved down the gorge, the trail eventually opening into Hyrule Field. Bulblin had lashed Colin to a large pole and mounted it on Bulbo's side so he could swing his axe at Diababa. It sliced into one of her petals, pushing her back.

Now that he had some breathing room, Bulblin blew into his horn. Almost instantly back up arrived in the form of several dozen more riders, all doubled up on their mounts. Diababa immediately lost focus on her target, going straight at the reinforcements.

Bulbo snorted, stomping his hoof. "Look, it's the green retard! LET'S GET HIM!"

"Epona, run!"

The chase began. Link circled the field, randomly throwing his boomerang back at Bulblin in the hope that he'd stop chasing the not-hero. Bulblin was relentless however, taking every opportunity to swing his axe.

"Epona, run faster!"

The horse stopped, bucking him from her back. She then ran off, able to go faster without his weight.

"GET BACK HERE YOU BITCH!"

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE, HA HA!" Bulbo trudged up behind him, the boar and his rider smiling down at him.

"We don't need to go that far... I don't have a problem with you taking the kid, really. In fact, I'm all for it! I got pulled into this completely against my will. Can I be on your side?"

Bulblin raised his axe.

"Seeing as negotiations are over, I'll just go..." He ran.

Bulbo was easily catching up, snorting in laughter the whole time. In a blind attempt to give himself some time Link tossed his boomerang back, likely failing in his endeavour. There was a bridge ahead; maybe he could find some fortification in the structure at its edges.

He heard Bulbo slowing down. "What the hell is that?" There was a dust cloud on the mountain, what looked like an avalanche, descending speedily in their direction. It could have been considered one if it didn't keep going on the ground, getting closer and closer. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

Diababa rose up behind Link, plopping her head on his. "It's her."

"Eh?"

"I know it's her."

"Who?"

"Her."

"WHO IS SHE?"

"That one whose name I don't know."

"THAT DOESN'T HELP!"

In the end, she was a gigantic mechanical bull going by the name of Goht, lured down by the sight of the riders running around. She had not run in many years and was eager to show all these slow simpletons who was the fastest around.

"Initiating . Maximizing efficiency levels. Closing . Negative, do not reopen . I said negative, not affirmative. Negative. Connecting connectors. Speed at its limit. EXTERMINATE."

Goht plowed through three riders, eyes focused on King Bulblin and Lord Bulbo. The former signalled the latter and they went running, making for the bridge and leaving Link alone. He would have been relieved if the giant mecha running at him didn't make the sweat flow twice as fast.

She slowed down, stopping next to Link and Diababa. Red eyes turned to the taller green one. "Database D reminds me that you do not fully appreciate the values of technology. Please fill the blocks by informing me of why this is, Diababa."

"It sucks," the plant said, glaring. "The coldness of steel is no match for the brrrrilliant flow of natural beauty, the soft feeling of grass on your flesh, or the untameable joy of drowning someone in a natural spring." Link began to step away from her.

"Your logic is incomprehensible."

"Okay, I think I've learned more about your hobbies than I needed to," Link loudly said, clapping his hands. "Those two are getting away in case no one noticed."

Goht's eyes lit up like a fanned flame. "They will not outrun me." She leaned over, her horn picking up Link by the tunic and plopping him on her back.

"Wait, what? NO, I DON'T NEED TO- AHHHH!"

The new steed accelerated quickly, tearing through the wooden gate at the bridge's edge. For a moment Goht stormed down the bridge; she suddenly stopped, staring down their foes. King Bulblin and Lord Bulbo were at the other end, facing back at them.

A Bokoblin in the middle rang a handy bell. "In one end: he's big, he's smart, and he's got a hostage, he's Kiiiiiing Bulblin! The challenger: she's hard as metal, thinks in megabytes, and has some weird green growth on her back that should really get looked at, she's Goht!"

"What's going on?" Link asked.

The Bokoblin rang the bell again. "Ready? GO!" He then jumped off the bridge, falling to his death.

"BOO YAH! WE'RE GONNA FUCK YOUS UP!" Bulbo shot forward fearlessly.

Link tried to stand up. "All right, I'm going to get- AHHHH!" Goht met Bulbo's charge, forcing Link to either sit down or fall very far. It quickly became obvious that this was rigged to Goht, what with her being over three times as tall as Bulbo. "I think we've got this."

Bulblin ducked, bending Colin's stick as well. They disappeared under Goht, coming out back a second later with wiring caught on his axe. Goht stopped, her eyes turning bright blue. "System damaged. Entering diagnosis mode." She dropped to the ground.

"Uh, oxy?" She did not move. "Goit or whatever your name is? You there?" The response was the same. "Epona? Diababa? Someone?"

Bulblin and Bulbo were already charging back at them. Link climbed behind Goht, watching them grow closer with every second. "Oh boy, this is going to suck," he muttered, closing his eyes as Bulblin raised his axe.

They were almost there. "SOMEONE WANNA HELP?"

Goht's eyes glowed red. "Diagnosis complete." A leg jerked out, kicking Bulblin in the face. He grabbed the pole Colin was on, trying to stabilize himself. After a moment of wobbling he fell off Bulbo, bouncing off of the Eldin Bridge and into the pit below. He was still holding onto Colin as he fell, by the way.

"KING BULBLIIIIIIN! I'M COMING FOR YA!" Bulbo ran off the edge as well.

Link watched the antagonists, as well as the hostage he set out to rescue, disappeared into the darkness. "Let's not talk about this one," he murmured.

"Faiiiluuure."

And because everyone keeps saying things about it, remember that I said no returning bosses would permanently join. Just clarifying that.