Well, those were some interesting weeks. Playing White Knight Chronicles 2, finished watching the Evangelion series plus End of Evangelion, drew the sharkmobile (this one makes sense in the context of my traditional arts class), and now I'm putting this up.

Last weeks of the semester equals much work being done. But now that we're actually at the good dungeons, my play time will probably go up from here. Also, I'm getting all of my wisdom teeth pulled on the 17th. I intend to use my drug addled mind to its fullest extent on the following days to make what will surely be a chapter of the ages.

Published December 4, 2011

No Good Deed

"YOU SHALL NOT STAND IN THE WAY OF... of... Urgh..." Goht winced violently, eyes running through a plethora of colours before settling on the natural tint. "I told you errors would occur!" she shouted at Diababa, stepping forward. "This is why habble HABBLE HABBLE HABBLE HABBLEHABBLEHABBLE..." The next magnetic floor was just as kind as the last.

Fyrus took the opportunity to shoulder-check the robot. He turned, wrapping a chain around Diababa's face and hurling her across the room.

"What are you people doing?" Volvagia hissed irately. "Are you going to fight back?"

Link ducked under a second chain, barely managing this due to his lack of depth perception. "HOW?" As Diababa flew over him the bow slipped from her grip, falling at his feet. "You can't be serious..."

"Who are you addressing that to?" Midna asked, sitting on his shoulder. "Oh, by the way, he's coming back."

Link abandoned the bow and ran for it, dodging a stomp from Fyrus on his way, and hid behind a stone column. Once Fyrus broke the pillar in half, he decided to just keep moving. "RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING! DRAGON GUY, HELP!"

Volvagia tapped his chin, contemplating to himself. "Mm... no."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"I just got my hair how I want it. He'd mess it up."

"You do have nice hair." Midna began to stroke the mane of fire.

He swatted her shadow away, snarling. "No one touches my hair!"

"Geez, no need to get so snippy about it."

Diababa slid over to the two of them. "Hair's pretty overrated, really. It only looks good when it's covering your whole body, like with wolves or deer. You things that just have one patch are so-"

Link screamed, very high pitched mind you, as one of Fyrus's chains tripped him. The fire giant took this opportunity to grab the not-hero by his arms and start whacking him off the wall repeatedly. "You become tenderized for Fyrus consumption!"

"If I had more power right now, I'd probably help you," Majora casually said to the teen. "But I don't. So I won't. It was fun while it lasted."

Fyrus stopped flattening Link, holding him up to his eye. "Where does strange voice come from? Fyrus hear but not able to achieve visual connection..."

"Hello Fyrus, this is the voice of the gods, er, goddesses... I don't know what you people worship. Take your pick. Anyway, it's really busy being a supreme being and all that, but I'll always have time to check up on my favourite fire retard. How are you?"

"Uh, Fyrus do good."

"Wonderful, wonderful. So, I was wondering if you could put the kid down for now. I kinda need him at the moment, greater plan and all, and it would be super if you didn't kill him."

"All right, voice of goddess! Fyrus will not harm puny nincompoop." The monster softly put Link on the ground, patting him on the head. Link screamed as his skull was made into a ping pong ball between the fire beast's hand and the floor. "Fyrus listen to super voice. Fyrus do good?"

"Fyrus do good, yes."

"How... intriguing," Volvagia hissed, snakelike tongue flicking through the air. "He doesn't even listen to me like that." The serpent took on a satisfied smirk that instilled a sense of dread into everyone around him. "That means he's your burden now, all right? Remember to feed him three times a day, and make sure it's very large quantities. I haven't tested this theory yet, but I assume one Goron will keep him sated for a full day."

Diababa blinked. "Wouldn't that be cannibalism?"

"What's your point?"

"This is all fantastic!" Midna clapped them both on the shoulder, her smile far too wide. "Now someone go grab the Fused Shadow off of him already."

Diababa bounced in place, eye wide with glee. "I'll do it! RAAAAAAAAAAAH!" She tackled Fyrus to the ground, ignoring the flames that ate at her skin, and bashed his face off the floor over and over.

Fyrus rolled forward from his prone position, launching the plant up off of him. "Fyrus no like you!"

His foe cracked her non-existent bones, standing tall. "That's a shame, because I definitely like you!"

"Then Fyrus like you too."

"I'm glad we agree. Meeting new people, WOO-HOO!" She gave him a kiss that almost enveloped his whole head.

"FYRUS FEEL LIKE FACE BEING EATEN!"

"Whoops, that must've been my acid. It must have come back."

"ACID?" Link slipped, failing to stand up. "YOU HAVE ACID IN YOUR MOUTH? YOU COULD'VE KILLED ME! TWICE!"

"Three times actually."

"WHAT?"

"Oh well, no harm done. Slipped my mind, eh heh. I'll make sure to check next time."

"THERE WON'T BE A NEXT TIME!" Diababa sucked the acid off of her main bulb, eye-smiling down at him. "NO. NO, GET BACK! GET BACK!"

Midna floated back, taking it all in. Link was trying in vain to get Diababa away, Goht was twitching in a corner, Fyrus was gnawing on a chain, and there she was hovering next to Volvagia. "You want to get me the Fused Shadow?"

"Little girl, if I wanted to do anything it would already be done."

Off to the side, the female bull's eyes flashed. "Reboot complete. Pain modulators: compressing circuits. Residue carbons: draining ninety-eight percent complete. Unit online. I am back, what have I missed?"

Midna gestured toward the content fire giant. "Get me the Fused Shadow."

As per usual, Goht evaluated the situation. Seeing that the monster was not on the magnetic floor, she proceeded to ram him in the back of the knees. Fyrus wobbled, the chain falling from his mouth and crashing down on Goht's back. "Error 2.22: damage has exceeded ninety-eight percent of working limits. Restarting program." Playing a mellow jingle, she dropped again.

"Fantastic."

His attention divided, Fyrus caught sight of Diababa chasing Link around. "HEY! You no hurt little baby man! Fyrus protect!" He ran forward, using his full weight to slam Diababa into the wall.

"And they're at it again," Volvagia hissed, rolling his eyes. "This was funny at first but now it's just repetitive. I'm going to pester some of those Gorons outside. Will they miss their elders?"

"Probably not."

The dragon's shoulders drooped. "Oh well, it'll at least confuse them." He unwrapped from the pillar, flying out the open door and out of sight.

After a few more scuffles, the conflict finally died down. Midna negotiated with Majora, asking the mask to get Fyrus in a cooperative mood for them. "I will, but you owe me a favour down the line," it responded, giggling wildly. Midna's eyebrows rose, but she shrugged nonchalantly, agreeing to its term.

Link hesitantly plucked the evil relic off of Fyrus's unlit head, quickly moving back. "That's it?"

"That's it," Midna confirmed. "Two down, one more to go!"

The not-hero was distracted by the drooling fire monster that was busy staring at him. "So... shouldn't he turn back or something like that?"

"Why would he?" the twili absently queried, inspecting her nails.

"Oh, well, uh, I thought..."

Link screamed mid-sentence as Diababa crashed in front of him, eye inches from his. "You thought WROOOOOONG. Have a nice day."

-Outside-

"It is good that we managed to work all that out," Renado said, smiling up at Gor Coron.

"Completely excellent!" the elder laughed. "And both of us got exactly what we wanted."

"With no detriments to either side."

"What a perfect resolution to this issue."

"Fyrus no like puny door! Fyrus rectify issue by manufacturing larger door!"

"WHAT? NO YOU IDIOT, DON'T!"

The wall behind them exploded, raining death and debris down on the unfortunate peoples. As the smoke cleared, the residents gained sight of the hulking and smiling Fyrus. "Hello."

Panic quickly ensued.

After that was dealt with, everyone present gathered to further ponder on the current situation. Many still sent Fyrus wary glances every few seconds, jerking their heads away whenever he smiled at them. Diababa sat off to the side during this meeting, mocking the barely conscious Goht as she repaired. The machine was annoyed, to say the least.

"So you say there is no way to return chief Darbus to his original form?" Gor Coron asked.

Link shook his head sadly. "Not that we know of."

"RAAAH!" Everyone jumped when the whole room shook, dust falling from the ceiling. Fyrus was punching at a bird that snuck in, missing every time.

"It pains me to see our great leader in such a state," Gor Coron whispered, still too scared to talk at full volume. "I suppose he's yours now then."

"Yeah... WHAT?"

The Goron elder roughly slapped Link's back, laughing like a madman. "Don't worry, my one eyed friend! I'm sure he'll grow on you."

"I DON'T HAVE ONE EYE! NOR AM I YOUR FRIEND! AND I DON'T WANT HIM!"

The rock man's smile was unnerving Link. "We'll let him decide. Oh Fyrus, who do you want to live with? Me, or Link?"

"Fyrus prefer puny green man to former associate. Me confident in your leadership skills during my absence."

Link fell to his knees, feeling faint. "No..."

"YES!" Fyrus roared, dancing in place.

"NOOOOOOO!"

-Shortly thereafter-

Fyrus was adjusting well to the group. By the time they reached the foot of the mountain, he had stepped on Link twice and almost buried them in a landslide. It was an accident, of course, but that didn't stop the resentment.

"Fyrus sorry."

Link rubbed his temples, ignoring the violent twitching. "Fyrus, I'm going to teach you about pronouns. When you're talking about yourself, you use 'I' and 'my'. Instead of saying 'Fyrus sorry' you say 'I'm sorry'."

The giant smacked himself in the jaw. "Fyrus confused already!"

Midna sighed overdramatically, shaking her head. "And to think you'll all be fighting Zant..."

Link clung onto a chance to escape from a conversation with Fyrus. "So what's this Zant guy like anyway?"

"He's a selfish bastard," Midna shrugged. "He calls himself the king of twilight, but he's no king to me. I don't even capitalize his title when I say it. He also has no sense of humour or a single social skill in his bones. The guy's a creep, and that's all that matters."

"A creep like me?" their disembodied voice piped in.

"Not as much as you."

An unexpected face greeted them at the bottom of the mountain. Colin Vengeanceson stared blankly into the distance, not even shifting his eyes to acknowledge their presence. Link glanced awkwardly between his compatriots, eventually approaching the child. "Colin?"

"...Hi."

"Um, are you okay?"

"...Yes."

There was a brief silence.

"If you don't mind me asking, how are you still alive?"

"...I'm not."

"Eh?"

"...That incident killed me inside."

Link blinked. "Really?" He didn't seem any different from normal.

"...Yes. I have seen the deepest depths of the darkness."

"I see." He started to back up.

"...And I rolled when I hit the ground."

"Ah, right, right, the unfailing method of avoiding fall damage. I'm going to, you know, go now. We got a new guy and I need to show him around."

"...Revenge is inevitable."

"Mhm."

"Kid," Link's mask spoke up, "if you want revenge I recommend hitting him where it hurts. I don't mean the junk, I mean emotional damage. Destroy everything that means anything to him, mentally cripple him. Once you've done that, don't move in for the killing blow quite yet. The suffering's only just begun, heh, it's time for torture!"

"O-KAY!" Link swung the pack containing Majora over his shoulder, smashing the mask off his shield. "I think we've reached the end of this conversation."

Majora was undeterred. "If you need any advice, you know where to find me!"

"...Thank you." The worst part was that Link could see a gleam in the child's eye. Sighing, he trudged over to the village.

"NO!" Diababa shouted, latching onto Fyrus. The fire giant was reaching toward the wooden bomb shop, and did I mention he's covered in fire?

All was normal with the group of weirdos.

"Oh, Limp my boy, you're back!" Eldin rose from the Kakariko spring, shining brilliantly. "I was talking with Faron and we agreed to send you north, into Eldin province so you can help that useless bird thing. Really, what sort of animal is that guy supposed to be?"

Another spirit appeared, kicking Eldin out of the way. "Go north into Lanayru province," Faron said. "You will find the last piece of the puzzle you seem set to complete, as well as an old friend who you seek."

"Oh hello Faron, I was just talking to you about Link!"

"Farewell." The forest spirit quickly vanquished. Eldin followed, intent on continuing the painful conversation.

"The spirits who watch us make me die inside every day," Renado sighed, stepping toward its house. For a moment, Link considered asking what gender the thing was, but decided against it.

"Oh come on. Speak your mind, don't go through life being so reserved, damn pansy," Majora chided, shaking around in his pack.

"I never thought I'd hear legitimate advice from you of all things."

"Hey, I can be legit whenever I want."

"You want me to get hurt, don't you?"

"Broken beyond repair, yes. There's an overarching plan you know."

"Thought so. So what gender are you supposed to be, oh mighty Majora?"

"I'm a mask made of invincible wood, indestructible paint, and insurmountable evil. It's a bit difficult to assign a sex to that."

Link was about to concede when Goht approached them. "Twenty-four years ago, a debate on your gender occurred. The result was a six to four majority toward female."

"I'm a mask," Majora stressed, sighing. "Why can't you people-"

"VOICE OF GODDESSES IS FEMALE, FYRUS KNOWS IT!"

"It makes sense," Link said, making sure to tie his pack closed as tightly as he could. "She does seem to be on a constant period if you ask me."

The mask laughed dryly. "Really, if you think you can get to me with my own methods then you're a lot more green than I thought. But seriously, I'm a mask! Do you people give a gender to your chairs? Actually, don't answer that. The fewer words you inflict upon the ears of the world, the better."