Okay, so update on the anesthetic chapter: could not happen. After getting my wisdom teeth sawed out I was basically back to level headed normality by the time I got home. Yes, they gave me some very intense painkillers in case (as in "wow, those could keep a guy out for days with just one pill"), but I never had to use them because, well, the pain was mild to annoying at most. From there I had to lie on my back for eight hours switching an ice pack between sides of my face so I couldn't get much writing or playing done, and coupled with the pain and the fact that my tongue's still a little swollen I was not in a good mood to write anything comedic.

In Twilight Princess news, I hated playing this part. It was just so boring. Then came the part where I had to melt Zora's Domain and I was forced to pull out my strategy guide after a while because the existence of one really hot rock was completely forgotten since it was just a rock. Then I decided to put on very mood inappropriate music and write most of this through my night shift. I'd say it worked out.

Now if you see any mistakes, I demand that they be pointed out. I'm fairly certain I got them all but with something this lengthy it's not a long shot that one or two slipped by. You will be handsomely rewarded with imaginary drugs. Lots of imaginary drugs.

Published December 21, 2011

Goes Unforgotten

"OH MY GOD HE'S EATING US!"

The serpentine dragon rolled his eyes at his next meal. "Now you're being melodramatic."

"What are you doing?" Goht asked, pulling Volvagia out of his Goron massacre.

The dragon smiled brightly, biting down on the Goron. "I'm having a good time. Is there something wrong with this?"

As her sarcasm drivers were updated last week, Goht decided to not dignify that with a response.

-Meanwhile-

"LIIINK!"

The golden wolf jogged up to the group, plopping down in front of the not-hero with his tongue hanging out. "Oh, it's you," Link stated dully.

The wolf nodded energetically. "Yup! And I'm here to teach you a new sword move that only involves your shield. Want to know it?"

"Uh, who's this?" Diababa asked, poking the wolf in the head.

"I'm just your friendly neighbourhood ancient hero who takes corporeal form in the body of a glowing wolf. Now let's do this!" He jumped at Link, biting into his neck. Link dropped, screaming in agony as the blood fired from him like a geyser. "Oops, forgot the magic. Let's try that again." He jumped on Link for a second time and on this take they actually disappeared.

They were alone, the wolf once again taking the form of the hero's shade. "This time you get to learn how to smack people with your shield!"

"That doesn't sound very complicated."

"It is not, but it's the perfect set up for another technique."

"Can I just learn that one?"

"Nope!" The shade bashed Link across the face with his shield. "Now hit me." He shoved his wooden plank in the undead's face, barely budging the skeleton. "You call that a hit?"

"Yes!" Link put both hands behind it, shoving the shade with all his might. He shifted a few inches.

"No, no, all wrong! You have to knock me on my ass!"

"RAH!" Link dove at him, bashing the shield against the shade's face over and over.

-In the real world-

Link reappeared just in time to shatter his shield on Fyrus's shin. "Puny wooden thing no good against Fyrus!"

"Shit."

Now that Link was barely armed, they continued on to the last wall of twilight. It was a long, arduous journey. A battalion of Bulblins and Bokoblins stood between the heroes and their objective, throwing everything they had in a vain attempt to cease progress. But it was all for naught, as the determination of the heroes was simply too powerful for any physical force to stop. They marched on, vanquishing all in their path.

That's what Diababa would tell anyone who asked. Instead, they climbed onto the nearby cliffs and walked around the horde of baddies. "That made this much easier," Midna said. "I'm surprised they don't have anyone up here."

"Their brains are the size of my fist," Link said. "I'm surprised they even know how to hold a weapon."

Eventually, they reached the dark wall. The shadowy imp floated over and disappeared inside just like with the other two. "Just one more to go," said her voice from within. "So I guess this is the last of the twilight you'll see."

"YES! Then I can go home, right?"

"Of course not," Majora scoffed. "This is basically the first act of the story. Once all this is out of the way it's time for the real meat, and then there's the final showdowns to deal with. You're barely a quarter of the way done at most, heh heh heh!"

"You're the best at cheering people up, aren't-" A giant hand shot out of twilight, pulling Link and Majora inside.

Fyrus turned to Diababa. "Now what do?"

"I usually go grab something to eat, and by the time I get back they're done."

"Fyrus like eating food!"

"Ah, but you've never eaten the best food, the food you can only find walking through the meadows of Hyrule. It's time for you to learn, my friend, what true tastiness is!"

"YAY!"

Inside the twilight, Link turned into a wolf again. "I'm so glad I'll never have to go through this after today. I hate being a dog."

"But you're so fluffy and cuddly!" Midna started scratching him behind the ears.

He shook her off. "Don't do that! Let's just find those bugs and get this over with, okay?"

Link took off, running down the trail. He ignored the twilight powered bats that tried to pester him, focusing purely on the task at hand. After a few minutes of travel he noticed something brown and rectangular dropped in the middle of the pathway, its position surrounded by dozens of small footprints. Looking closely, it was recognized as the satchel that Ilia usually wore. "So she's around here," he said, sighing. "I knew the day would come when our paths would meet again. I just hoped there would be more time."

"Drama queen."

"Shut up. You're a mask."

"What a sharp comeback, pirate-wolf."

"I'm not a pirate!"

"Ah, but that's how you insult someone. Say something that hits home. Calling me a mask when I'm quite satisfied with that fact isn't going to piss me off. Calling you a cripple because you bashed your face on a table trying to hurt me only brings up bad memories, doesn't it?"

Seeing as he had no leads, Link decided that following Ilia's scent was the only thing he could do. With this terrifying fact in mind he reluctantly pursued the trail, crying inside the whole time. He ran past an army of trumpet headed birds, twilight Bulblins and giant bats, eventually being led to Hyrule Castle Town by the smell.

"Hm, that castle looks familiar, doesn't it?" Midna laughed, ruffling his fur.

Link's ears drooped as he trudged into town, spirits walking aimlessly all around him. "This isn't how this is supposed to be at all. I should be the young, muscular farm boy who all the hot rich girls ogle over."

"Don't be silly," his twili companion said. "What would you rather be doing: going on a life threatening journey to save the world or living in luxury?"

"I want luxury..."

She giggled. "Too bad."

The trail led into one of the back alleys of the town, going up and down every street unnecessarily only to disappear inside a large, well kept bar. Ilia's spirit was there of course, as were the spirits of several other individuals. Ilia and an older woman stood over an unconscious fish-kid, whispering to each other.

"I just now sent for the doctor," the woman said. "But this is strange, a child of the Zoras all the way down here..."

"Hey, Link," Majora piped in. "You should gnaw on her ankle. Let the bitch know who's the top dog in this relationship."

"Will you shut up already?"

Link attempted to continue listening to the woman and Ilia's conversation, but it eventually dissolved into a bunch of nothing that lost all interest to Link. They went off on about how young the kid was and how he shouldn't have to be suffering just because of that, so Link decided to start looking for the next light spirit.

-Lake Hylia-

"Why is this bridge covered in oil?" Link sniffed the surface of the large bridge over what little remained of the lake, noticing that the black liquid all over the stone.

"Looks like an obvious trap," Midna said. "Now what, Mr. Hero?"

Link hopped onto the railing of the bridge, walking along the wide ledge. "Now we don't stand in the oil."

Then a trumpet bird swooped down and smacked him off the bridge. Fortunately, there was a large pool of water waiting for him to fall into at the bottom. Unfortunately, this water was about one hundred and fifty metres below him, resulting in most of his bones breaking on impact. "Suck it up and walk it off," Majora told him.

"I CAN'T SUCK OR WALK! SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME, OH GOD THIS HURTS..."

Midna pulled him to his feet, slapping the wolf across the face with her giant hair hand. She then shoved several hearts into his mouth. "There, good as new. Now let's get going. We should go investigate Zora's Domain up that dried up river."

"How are we supposed to get up there?" Link coughed, gagging on the healing organs.

She just smiled.

-Outside the twilight-

"And that's how you catch a Bokoblin. Your turn, show me what you're made of!"

"Fyrus is made of fire! RAH!" Fyrus ran at the group of absent minded Bokoblins, crushing all of them in his charge. He then continued to run, disappearing from Diababa's sight.

"I don't think he got the point..."

"Fyrus trample puny rock people!"

-Back with Link-

If he were currently capable, Link would express all of his hatred for Midna, Majora, and everything else in the world. He wasn't sure how he would do this, whether it would be more satisfying to rip them a new one with words or physical violence, but either would work.

At the moment, he was preoccupied with not falling to his death again. Midna's brilliant idea of reach Zora's Domain consisted of climbing the dried up, near vertical river with his bare paws. Midna floated just below him, making great use of her hovering abilities to taunt him into continuing. "Put your knees into it! No, that rock's going to break off the second you grab onto it, stupid! Now this is just embarrassing. Majora, you feel like taking over?"

"With pleasure. Link, have you ever been split down the middle by a giant laser shooting sword before? Because I have, and it is not fun. Sure, I was trying to crush the world with the moon but that's no excuse. I'm glad that-"

"I... AM BARINADE! This pathetic slope is no match for the likes of ME!"

The spirit of Barinade crawled up the rock wall next to Link, mocking the inanimate stone the whole time. Bongo Bongo and the Twinmold fairies floated up after him, looking bored out of their minds. They all disappeared over the next ledge.

"That was eventful," Midna stated. "Now back to work."

Three hours later, Link emerged over the final cliff of the river. He was at the top, in the icy hellhole known as Zora's Domain. "Zora's Domain is frozen again?" Majora sighed. "How derivative."

"What are you talking about?" Link asked, glaring at his pack.

"Things far too intense for your tiny brain to pick up on. Just keep going, wolfie."

Sadly, with Zora's Domain in its frozen state, Link was forced to spend another thirty minutes climbing to the top because of the lack of pathways. "Why do the fish people put all the important stuff so far out of water?" he groaned, once again reaching the apex of the obstacle.

"Foolish monsters, this is what happens when you challenge the unstoppable killing machine known as BARINADE!"

"But we didn't challenge OH MY GOD STOP IT!"

Up top, the spirit Barinade was having plenty of fun massacring the Shadow Beasts that would have proved annoying to Link and co. "So much for neutrality," Bongo Bongo sighed, shaking his head.

"Oh boy, I can't wait until he gets a look at you in human form," Majora cackled, shaking eagerly in Link's bag. "Hurry up and get all those light bugs or whatever."

"We haven't even found the light spirit yet..."

"Right, right, go do that!"

"Why are all the Zoras frozen down there?" Bongo Bongo asked, rapping his knuckles on the sheet of ice. True to his word, the whole block of ice was full of fish-men.

"Whoa," Midna gasped. "That's... a lot of Zoras."

"The correct plural is Zorae," Majora chimed.

"They are frozen because I, BARINADE, have yet to assist them!" Barinade brought up the Megaton Hammer, laughing maniacally.

Link slowly started to back up. "This does not bode well..."

But he was not fast enough. The electrically charged anemone brought the hammer down, bashing the ice over and over. In just a few hits it shattered to release a torrent of ice cold water and fish-men. Link and the Zoras screamed as the current immediately fired them all downstream, giant icy chunks bashing them around like ping pong balls. "THIS IS A TERRIBLE-" A ball of ice bounced off Link's face, silencing his catch phrase.

"HAHAHA! NO ICE CAN STAND THE METAL OF BARINADE!" Barinade seemed content to be washed away with them.

"This is why we don't bring him places," Bongo Bongo muttered.

"Among other reasons," the blue Twinmold added.

"Like the time he tried to solve poverty by killing half of the starving children and feeding them to the other half," his red brother laughed. "Oh boy, that was hilarious."

The spirit of a very human looking Zora appeared, confused. "Hello? Is the person who freed my people here?"

"Long gone," Midna said. "Got washed away. If you listen really hard, you can still hear him laughing."

"Oh... If you see him again, could you ask him to find my son Ralis, he should be in the Hyrule Castle area, and make sure he was able to get there okay?"

"We found him dying in a bar," Midna happily told her. "Does that count?"

"No. No it doesn't..."

After a long, painful trip, Link washed up on the shore of Lake Hylia conveniently next to the last light spirit's spring. He pulled himself out of the freezing water, ignoring the hypothermia setting in, and trudged into the cave. As usual, a giant ball of light sat where it should have been. "Hey," Link grunted. "You're Lanayru, right?"

"Yes. Are you all right? You look... beat up."

"Never better. Can I have the magical bug catcher now? I want to get this over with."

"Yeah, one second. I'm sure you know what to do at this point, so I'll let you get right to it as soon as I find this thing... Here we are!"

The storage device floated from Lanayru, placing itself in front of Link. He snagged it, reluctantly beginning his hunt. The third and final search began with as much enthusiasm as the last two: none.

-Sometime later-

"Heeey."

"Noooo."

"Come ooooon."

"Noooo. Oooo."

The golden wolf ran in front of Link, sitting down and smiling widely. "You know you waaaaanna."

"No I don't."

"Come on, just one quick howling session..."

"NO."

"It'll be great! I know the perfect song. I learned it from a skeleton ghost in a canyon a while back, and it's so catchy."

"What do I have to do to convince you that I never want to do this?"

"You can't."

"...Look, something shiny."

"OOO, SHINY!" The wolf ran at a light bug, tearing it to shreds. Link scooped up the tear it dropped, sending his blood hound after the next. This had proven to be the most effective method of gathering the energies.

Sadly, it did nothing to keep the golden wolf quiet. "I remember coming up the Zora's River way back when, and boy have things changed! For one, it's on the other side of the country now. I have no clue how that happened, probably global warming, but man is it weird! There was also a really fat Zora who couldn't even move more than an inch without strenuous effort. I liked him! It's a shame he died when he mweeped too far and fell onto a dry patch of land. He died of dehydration two days later. It was really, really sad. There's no funny ending to this story."

"That is pretty dark."

"On the other hand, his daughter was psycho! Did you know that she was in love with a female fairy?"

"Really?"

"None of us wanted to call it love though. The way she talked about it made her sound like a creepy stalker. Then they got married."

"Wait, what?"

"I think. I may have started to make up my own reality when I died. It's still hard to tell."

"Interesting... Hey, Majora, I'm surprised you've been quiet this long. Is something horribly wrong?"

"No, no, I'm just holding back insurmountable rage right now. You may continue with your pointless conversation."

After a lot more killing, only one tear of light was missing. Seeing as they had scoured the whole area, including Castle Town, Link was very confused as to how they had missed one of those fluorescent monsters. "Back to the start I guess." The wolves hopped into the river, letting the stream take them back to Lake Hylia on a voyage that was much less painful than the last.

That was where they found the last bug swollen to about a hundred times its normal size. It easily dwarfed both canines, barely looking like it could hold itself up with how bloated its body was. "WHAT THE FUCK?" Link screamed, trying to back as far away as he could. "THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL! GET IT AWAY!"

"Ew," the golden wolf said, cringing at the bloat. "That thing could give Uglo Buglo a run for his money."

In the world of light, Bongo Bongo's hands ached for the feeling of crushed flesh.

Back in the twilight, Link jumped from one sheet of wood to another as the bloat tried to ram him with its electrically charged body. He had to stay out of the water or it would just shock him.

"This is where all my teachings come back to help you," the golden wolf cheered from the sidelines. "Remember what you've learned..."

"I'VE LEARNED HOW TO FIGHT AS A PERSON, NOT A DOG!"

"Wolf. You're a wolf."

The bloat took a moment to breathe, giving Link some thinking time. In this thinking time he leapt onto its face, biting as much flesh as he could fit in his mouth. It screeched, swaying nauseatingly through the air until throwing him back down. "Good job," Majora cackled. "You really showed that one who's the boss."

Link climbed out of the water, watching the bloat fly closer. "I don't see you doing any better."

"Oh, but I did. Do you see the eye it's missing? That was me when you weren't looking."

Link hopped to the side, narrowly avoiding an electrical sweep by the monster. He waited again, planning to repeat the stratagem of jumping up and gnawing the shit out of it whenever it got tired. It worked once after all.

Just then, Midna finally located the polymorph. "So this is where you've been this whole time. What did I say about holy shit what is that supposed to be?"

"Last evil bug in the world. Needs to die."

"You don't need to tell me twice. Get on it!"

Having never learned, the bloat turned off its electricity so it could hover in place and regain energy. Link acted immediately, lunging onto it and ripping whatever he could get his teeth around. The bug faltered, crying out as it crashed down on one of the wooden platforms Link had made into a makeshift battle arena. As it fell, it happened to catch the not-hero between its body and the wood. This hurt.

It rolled into the water belly first, drowning soon after. "You did it!" the golden wolf shouted, jumping into the air. "Good job! You're the wolf-man! I always believed in you!"

Majora groaned. "Why does he still exist?"

Link slowly forced himself to his feet. He ignored everything except his objective, making a beeline for a final blue tear. This was the last time he would ever have to collect these useless trinkets...

-Meanwhile-

Zant waited in his master's throne room, tapping his fingers impatiently as he waited for the man to return from his outing. He had been gone for hours.

The twili's urges were satisfied when his boss entered the chamber decked in a new suit of armour. "Well? How's it look?" he asked, holding out his arms and grinning. "I've been waiting to spend that birthday money for a hundred years."

"It looks fine. My lord, we've received reports that the twilight in Lanayru is beginning to weaken. I fear that they have already begun reassembling the light spirit."

Shrugging, the man plopped down in his throne. "It's no matter. Send some beasts to claim Ordona."

"My lord?"

"Lightning can strike twice, my dear pupil. You just need to time it right when it can be the most painful. This time is now."