.
The Greatest Fail of All Time
Yori lay wide awake in her dorm room gazing up at the ceiling. She couldn't get her mind off of Monkey Fist. His face was the only one she saw. His body was the one she longed to have next to her, warming her up. Immortals pity her and send to her the Monkey King. She felt a sudden breeze and looked over at the window. The curtains were blowing. Strange, she didn't recall opening them. She sat up, but just then a gust blew, parting the curtain, and she caught her breath.
In the window crouched the figure of a man. Not just any man, but him. "Monkey Fist," she breathed.
He tilted his head slightly, watching her. After a moment he entered the room and approached her determinedly. He sat on her bed and drew her close to his body. She returned the embrace adoringly. "I've come back," he whispered to her.
"Never leave again," she pled, relishing the feel of his arms around her body. He drew back, gazing into her eyes, then kissed her lips firmly and adoringly. She moaned against his mouth, melting in his arms. Her lips were as sweet as honey. He'd never really allowed himself to experience her kiss before, usually too shocked to react.
"Oh gods," he whispered as she pulled back. Immediately he took her lips again. May they never part, he begged. Oh please, let them never part. "I love you," he said in Japanese.
"I love you too," she replied in the same.
Neither of them was sure at which point they'd lain back on the bed, him above her and nuzzling her softly, stroking her cheek. "Come away with me," he begged in her mother tongue.
"How I long to, my lord, but without my brother's acceptance, I cannot," she answered. "It would too be dangerous for you!"
"Forget your brother! I will not survive without you!" he vehemently said.
"What of my sister? Of little Hana? The weapon you so wish to possess," she replied.
"I wish to possess you," he insisted. "Dear young girl, if I must I will steal you away from this place, from this land. No one will stop me. Be with me, Yori my love!"
She sobbed, kissing him yet again. It seemed, she realized, that she could hardly bear to stay away from his lips. Part of her said this was wrong, for he was her enemy. They both knew they had been struck by the Cupid Ray and that this was just… not right! But they couldn't bring themselves to care! Of course, that was because of the mist dulling their senses. It had to be. "You must convince my brother," Yori replied.
"I don't care about your brother's approval! Long have I loved you. I will have you for my wife! Will you marry me, Yori?" he asked. Oh gods, had he just asked her to marry him, some part of him still normal asked. "Marry me, Japan," he begged desperately again, and part of him was kicking himself and screaming at him to shut up, the part that was still, well, him. It was drowned out by all else, though, as if he were drunk with love.
"Yes! Yes, I will marry you! I will marry you!" she blurted joyfully. Oh gods, what words had just departed her mouth, she inwardly freaked? What had she just vowed?! Part of her told her this was all a lie, the part that knew it really was, but that part was overcome by all the rest of her!
Monkey Fist was suddenly kissing her again, passionately and desperately. Neither of them could register, for a moment, what was happening. By the time their minds caught up to the situation, they were both half naked. His shirt, gone now, showcased his every extremely toned muscle. She for her part lay before him stripped down to the waist. He kissed her chest softly, adoringly, gently stroking her side, and sometimes his lips found their way up to her collarbone. She trembled in his embrace and gasped as he softly kissed the side of her neck.
Part of her begged it to stop, for she knew that this was not supposed to happen. She wanted to ignore that part of her, to block it out, but then it called to her screaming that this was not honorable. For her to lie with a man before they were wed would shame her family! Then again, Hirotaka had already shamed it with such actions.
Hirotaka... He would kill her love if ever he found out...
"No… not now," she finally managed to whisper, though the words were so, so difficult to get out.
He paused, looking down at her in hurt and confusion before suddenly catching on, his eyes widening in realization. What of her honor? What of her brother's wrath? He would not bring shame or grief to his future bride, he determined. But he had waited so long already... No, for her sake he could wait a little more. He sighed, a little frustrated, but nodded in understanding. He would respect her wish. Gently he kissed her forehead as she sat up, covering her chest with the blankets and looking miserable.
KP
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Yori?" a voice called. She and Monkey Fist gasped, quickly looking over.
"Monique!" Yori exclaimed, pale.
"You okay in there, girl?" Monique asked. Neither Monkey Fist nor Yori dared move for fear she would hear.
"I-I am fine," Yori answered.
"You sure?" Monique replied. "I heard a voice."
"I am fine!" Yori insisted desperately.
"O-kay then. Hirotaka's here. Picked up a package for you from the Admin Office," Monique said.
"May we enter, sister?" Hirotaka asked.
"I am not dressed!" she practically shrieked, looking ill and terrified and reflexively throwing a paperweight at the door.
"Yori?!" Hirotaka exclaimed, alarmed at the tone and at the crash against the door.
Monkey Fist almost let out a monkey shriek. He managed to refrain, but replaced the shriek with a string of curses under his breath, which was most ungentlemanly, but needless to say, he was panicked, and panicked was the understatement of the millennia. If Hirotaka caught him in this position with Yori, he was a dead man! In fact, he was dead yesterday! No, a week ago! No, a year ago! "What was that for?" he hissed at her.
"I-I lost myself," she answered, flustered. "Quickly, you must leave." She shoved Monkey Fist off the bed. She'd hoped he would catch himself without falling. Wrong. He tripped and cried out in pain before he could stop himself.
"That was a male voice inside!" Fukushima's voice suddenly exclaimed. Him too?! Monkey Fist gasped, going as white as a sheet. Oh, this was not good. He was dead before this universe had come to be!
"Yori, we're coming in!" Amelia called. Monkey Fist scrambled back to his feet only to trip over a cord and fall back onto the bed with another shout.
The door was kicked open the next instant. Hirotaka, Amelia, Fukushima, and Monique all burst inside and froze, mouths dropping. Monkey Fist and Yori quickly looked over and went white, Yori still holding up the blanket over herself and Monkey Fist still shirtless. "Oh rot," Monkey Fist said, eyes wide.
There was a beat before Hirotaka collected himself, shook his head, and totally freaked. "What is happening here?!" he demanded in outrage, a flood or wrath consuming him.
"We're um, getting better acquainted," Monkey Fist lamely covered, quickly standing up again. Yori blinked blankly and fell back on the bed, double facepalming with a groan. Getting better acquainted? Really? "What?! I hardly heard you coming up with anything!" Monkey Fist heatedly said.
"Bet-better a-acquainted?" Hirotaka repeated in barely suppressed rage. He began to laugh, but Monkey Fist highly doubted it was meant to be a humorous laugh. In fact, it sounded borderline hysterical.
"H-Hirotaka, calm yourself," Fukushima nervously said, backing away. Monkey Fist almost began laughing himself. If Fukushima was backing away and stammering, enough said.
"Calm? Oh but I am calm!" Hirotaka said, eyes glittering as he glared at Monkey Fist, body quaking in anger.
Monkey Fist cautiously fixed his shozoku. He didn't take his eyes off the boy. If he did, odds were very, very good he would end up dead. "Nothing happened!" Yori exclaimed. Monkey Fist was helpless to say anything, so naturally, it was her honor to try and defend him. "We stopped ourselves, brother! I would not shame our family's name as you did!" Hirotaka started and looked slightly wounded before recovering himself. Amelia winced guiltily and hung her head. "N-no, not with you, Amelia!" Yori quickly said. Goodness knew Amelia hadn't been Hirotaka's first traversal into dishonor. Amelia looked a little less upset upon hearing that, so at least that was one thing she'd been able to fix.
Oh the gods themselves wouldn't be able to pry Hirotaka from Monkey Fist's throat if her brother got his hands on him now.
"Would it by any chance save my life if I told you we were engaged?" Monkey Fist dryly asked.
"Monkey Fist!" Yori exclaimed in horror, looking quickly at him with eyes wide. Bad, bad, bad move. She'd done all she could for him at this point. Monkey Fist was digging his own grave now, and now it was officially between him and any gods that might pity the man Hirotaka's wrath enough to save him. She could do nothing more for him.
Hirotaka blinked blankly. After a long moment, he icily said, "What?"
"Sensei, may the gods pity you now," Fukushima groaned, rolling his eyes hopelessly at his guardian. "Pray the Yono catches you before Hirotaka does."
"What?!" Monkey Fist snapped.
Fukushima showed no signs of having exaggerated. In fact, the boy glanced at his friend's blank expression, then turned back to Monkey Fist. "Pray fervently…" he flatly amended. Monkey Fist winced. Ooh, this wasn't good.
"The Yono?" Hirotaka asked, voice entirely too calm, casual, and laid back to be completely safe. "The Yono will be the least of his worries. The Yono will be torn to shreds if he dares to step between me and the Monkey Lord."
"Now Hirotaka, let us not fall to barbarism. Think this through carefully," Monkey Fist tensely said, backing away and looking nothing short of terrified. Why he was terrified he didn't know. He was the one with the monkey powers. Look at what Stoppable had done to the Lowardians without practice! So then why did he get the feeling the Lowardians themselves would have fled in terror if they'd seen Hirotaka like this now?
"I am thinking. I am thinking very carefully," Hirotaka replied. "I ponder whether to tear out your entrails or dismember you."
"Right. Of course you do," Monkey Fist replied. To be fair, though, given the circumstances, the choices he'd been given were more than merciful. Much, much, much more than merciful. Now was definitely not the time to ask permission to marry his sister. For the first time since being hit by the Cupid Ray, he felt something other than love. Right now all he felt was, as already established, pure, unbridled, terror.
"Hiro, dude, you're scaring us," Monique said nervously.
"Hirotaka, maybe you should take some, uh, alone time?" Amelia timidly asked.
"Oh, I will," he replied. "As soon as I have washed the blood off of my hands."
"What blood?" Monique tightly asked. She got the feeling she really didn't need to, though.
"His. I killed this man before the universe came to be," Hirotaka calmly replied.
"Oh rot," Monkey Fist said again.
KP
All at once, Hirotaka was across the room. Monkey Fist let out a monkey shriek of terror and literally leapt out the window, Hirotaka hot on his tail. Yori gasped and leapt up, being sure she was still covered. She raced to the window and looked out in horror. Monkey Fist, fleeing in terror, was only millimeters out of Hirotaka's reach!
"This is bad," Amelia said, looking on in disbelief as she, Monique, and Fukushima joined Yori at the window.
Fukushima shrugged, unconcerned. "Lord Fiske will escape," he said. They heard a cry of pain, just then, followed by multiple screams for help, and winced looking out the window once more. They gasped and closed their eyes, hardly daring to peek to watch what was unfolding.
"Is it natural to be able to bend like that?" Monique asked.
"Who are you talking about? Hirotaka or Monkey Fist?" Amelia asked, because both men pretty much looked like a pair of contortionists putting on the greatest and most physics-defying show of all time.
"I will fix this! Do not worry!" Fukushima declared. Quickly he vaulted out of the window and ran to try and break them up.
Monique and Amelia turned to Yori, eyes curious. Yori blinked and withered. "What?" she asked, playing naïve.
"So… how far did it go?" Amelia asked.
"Nowhere!" Yori immediately replied. "It very nearly did, but I did not allow it to go on!"
"Okay, so next question. Engaged?! Girl, you know how wrong that is?!" Monique demanded in appall. Then she grinned right after, excitement springing up. "Girl, when's the wedding? Ooh, are me and Kim bridesmaids?! Are those even part of your culture?" Monique asked in quick succession. Yori blinked at her two friends, then looked nervously out the window again. The wedding would be never, if some deity didn't pity Monkey Fist soon and if Fukushima couldn't pry Hirotaka from the Monkey Master's throat. The rest of the questions would have to wait to be answered until Monkey Fist's fate was determined between the two ninjas and the Monkey Lord.
KP
"I will rip out your eyes!" Hirotaka screamed at Monkey Fist, literally trying to either claw them out with his fingers or stab them with one of his kunai. Monkey Fist, scowling, fought desperately back. He managed to pin the young man beneath him and yank his arm viciously back. Hirotaka cried out in pain and pushed off, flipping and somehow getting them into a position that really couldn't be explained. One of those 'you had to be there' scenes.
"You will give your sister to me or I will take her!" Monkey Fist yelled back, struggling to keep hold of Hirotaka.
"My sister will never be yours!" Hirotaka shouted.
"Oh yes she will," Monkey Fist snarled. "Even if I have to kill you to get to her!"
"Bring out your monkey power in all of its glory and you still will not defeat me! Gods, guide me!" Hirotaka yelled. Monkey Fist went white. He'd called on the gods! Oh Monkey Spirits the boy had actually called on the gods! Hirotaka's ferocity seemed to double, and in a heartbeat Monkey Fist found himself at the young man's mercy, Hirotaka looking ready to finish what he'd started. The young man stabbed at him, but Monkey Fist dodged out of the way then grabbed Hirotaka and threw him back so the two were rolling across the ground. Even then, though, Monkey Fist felt himself losing ground. Perfect. Now deities were working against him!
"Hirotaka!" Fukushima's voice suddenly cried out in alarm. Hirotaka looked quickly over along with Monkey Fist.
Fukushima was suddenly there, tackling Hirotaka off the Monkey Lord. "Fukushima!" Hirotaka angrily shouted, shoving his friend off him with a scowl and leaping up again. "Stay out of my way, brother!"
"I will defend my guardian to death!" Fukushima replied, eyes narrowed.
"Oh good, then out of my way!" Monkey Fist shot, leaping up and pouncing at Hirotaka, ready to snap his neck. Hirotaka cried out in pain as Monkey Fist tackled him and rolled. Fukushima darted into the fray and pulled Monkey Fist off of his friend, quickly placing himself between the two again.
"I will defend my friend to the death!" Fukushima testily snapped at Monkey Fist. Either way they cut it now, he would be the one to die if they continued this battle. Fortunately, he was also the one thing neither could bring themselves to kill. Yori and Hana notwithstanding.
Monkey Fist and Hirotaka tried to get around Fukushima, but Fukushima continuously stood in their way. Finally, Hirotaka got a hold of himself and relaxed his fighting stance, as did Monkey Fist. Hirotaka glared darkly at the Monkey Lord. "You will not marry my sister. We will find the antidote, and this will be fixed once and for all," the ninja stated.
"What if we cannot, Hirotaka?" Fukushima demanded, looking at his friend.
Hirotaka was quiet. Finally, he sighed and hung his head, closing his eyes. "Then there is nothing I can do short of killing one of them. I will not harm my sister, and you, Fukushima, will not allow me to harm your father." Fukushima blushed a bit at the 'father' remark. Hirotaka looked back up at Monkey Fist, eyes narrowed. "Quit my sight, villain," he bitterly said.
"Gladly," Monkey Fist growled. Immediately he sprang away, quickly disappearing. Hirotaka scoffed, crossing his arms and glaring frustratedly at the ground.
Meanwhile
"You can't be serious! Mom!" Will complained with eyes wide in disbelief. staring in mortification at the man his mother had brought along. Jack looked annoyed with the whole thing as well. He also looked flushed and disheveled like mom, and Will never, ever, ever wanted to know why! All he needed to know was that father had come in looking like he was on cloud nine, and mother had followed him smirking like a vixen while adjusting her clothing.
"Will, your father knows where the ingredients we need are located. He'll be the best guide you can get. Besides, I don't like the idea of sending you on a mission alone with a villain. Your father will be there to act as a buffer," Dr. Director said.
"But…" Will began.
"What did I say about buts?" Betty warned.
Will fell silent and frowned, glaring at his father in annoyance, clearly put out. "Can you keep up, old man?" the boy demanded.
"Mmm, you'd better believe he can," Betty said, smirking dreamily.
"I can go on and on," Jack growled, wrapping his arm around her waist and nuzzling her with a grin. Will looked appalled, mouth agape.
"The way yer behavin', lassie, Ah'd guess Jack's endurance and stamina could leave yer wee laddie en the dust," Killigan said to Betty, grinning coldly at a dumbfounded Will.
"Shut up, shut up, all of you shut up! No more mental images, no more! I beg you!" Will pled, snapping out the shock and dropping to his knees literally begging.
Betty winced. Oops. Alright, in retrospect perhaps they'd been a little... obvious. "Right. Come on, Sport, we're going on a scavenger hunt," Jack said, placing a hand on Will's shoulder.
Will looked vulnerably up at his father. "No more adult discussion?" Will hopefully asked.
"No more," Jack promised, smirking. Will hesitated, looking unconvinced, but then stood nervously and nodded.
"He will no' talk, but Ah will," Killigan said.
"Fair warning, Mr. Killigan, don't push your luck," Jack warned, smiling cordially though his eyes were glittering dangerously, cold as ice. Killigan shrugged. No promises, but he would definitely have to be careful how far he pushed, he knew.
Upperton
"Global Justice contacted Master Sensei and asked for us?" Monique incredulously asked.
"Kim-san informed them she was out of the country and recommended us," Fukushima said. "She expressed a desire for Hirotaka and Amelia to be there as well, but well..."
"Right. The appointment with the shrink," Monique said, hopelessly rolling her eyes. "Guess it's just you and me then. Any idea what she wants?"
"Perhaps Dr. Director was able to get the antidote from Jack Hench. Or at least the recipe to make it," Fukushima said as they turned down the alley they were to meet the woman in. Monique nodded.
Two men, walking down the alley towards them, muttered a couple of lewd comments accompanied by gestures to Monique. Fukushima was on top of them in an instant, but Monique quickly pulled him back. "Easy boy, ignore the jokers. They ain't worth your time," she said.
"They will treat you with honor!" Fukushima argued, but Monique continued dragging him away from what might otherwise have been a bloodbath depending on whether the two jerks were armed. They rounded a corner that led into a branching alley. Suddenly a figure stepped out from inside a doorway. Fukushima and Monique gasped. Fukushima quickly got in front of Monique and dropped into a fighting stance in case of a threat.
"Easy, it's just me," a familiar voice said as the woman stepped into the light. Dr. Director. Fukushima relaxed and stood up straight again.
"Girl, you almost gave us a heart attack!" Monique said.
"Apologies Miss Jones," she answered.
"Do you have the antidote?" Fukushima asked.
"Unfortunately the antidote that broke on the roof was the only one HenchCo had produced thus far, but I do have a list of the ingredients they need to make more," Betty said, handing over said list.
Monique took it and looked through it. "Great, so we just grab these and we're golden," she said, looking back up at Dr. Director and passing the list to Fukushima, who scanned it.
"Ooh," Fukushima said, grimacing.
"What's 'ooh'?" Monique suspiciously asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
"These are very rare ingredients found only in certain areas of the world. They are not easily obtained," Fukushima said. Luckily he knew where to find most of them.
"Precisely. Jack, Will, and Duff Killigan are dealing with half of the list. This half is your half to gather," Betty said. She held out two devices to them. "Communicators, to keep in contact with Will, Jack, and Killigan. Inform each other whenever an ingredient is gathered. If you follow the lists in order, you all should end up meeting in Ireland. Good luck out there. Of course, GJ will supply you with transportation and anything else you might need."
"Great, we're officially a roll reversal," Monique unenthusiastically said, rolling her eyes. "Fukushima is Kim and I'm Ron."
Fukushima smirked at her and took her hand. "I am better," he boasted. "Hurry, Tigress, we should start right away. Arigato, Dr. Director." Betty bowed to the two, smirking.
Elsewhere
"I do not need a psychologist," Hirotaka insisted.
"Trust me, it'll be good for you," Amelia said.
Hirotaka grimaced. Somehow he doubted it. "Amelia, I do not trust their mind games," he said.
"If you don't think it's helping, we'll leave," she said.
"I do not like this," he said, a little nervous. Frankly, he didn't think he wanted to know what was going on in his mind.
"Think of the fun you could have playing with his mind right back," Amelia tempted. Hirotaka blinked, then smirked a bit. She had a point. If the psychologist didn't impress, he could have his own fun with the man. As long as he didn't make himself sound insane, he should be fine.
KP
"Lay back, Hirotaka, relax," the psychologist said. Hirotaka did so. "Now, I want you to empty your mind," the doctor ordered.
Hirotaka obeyed, closing his eyes. "Now what?" he wondered.
"Wait five minutes, then I'm going to show you a series of ink blots. Tell me what you see," the man told him.
Hirotaka glanced doubtfully at the man, but let it go and closed his eye again. When five minutes had passed, Hirotaka opened his eyes once more and the psychologist showed him the first blot. "I see ink," Hirotaka said. The psychologist blinked blankly at him, grimaced, then showed another. "Ink," Hirotaka said again. What was he supposed to see?
"All right, try to see images in the ink," the man said. He showed a third.
Hirotaka looked at it a long moment, trying to see these 'images' that were supposedly in them. "All I see is…" the boy began.
"Don't say ink!" the man ordered. "Look harder."
Hirotaka sighed. This was going to be a long session. He tried hard to see pictures again. "I see nothing," he stated.
"Try again," the man prompted. The young man saw nothing? That could be promising, depending on what else he learned about his patient in the future.
Hirotaka looked again. Finally, he decided to simply say what came to his mind first. "Ninjas," he said.
"Good. We're getting somewhere. And now?" the man asked, bringing out another.
"Honor and tradition." The man blinked and looked at the ink blots. What could possibly embody that? He showed another to the boy. "Fate and destiny," Hirotaka said. His eyes became troubled and he added, "It is all very bleak and disturbing."
"Mmm hmm," the man said, putting the blots away. This would really be quite fascinating and challenging, he determined. "I'm going to get a few materials for our session. Wait here a moment and I'll be back shortly."
The man rose and left. Hirtoaka watched after him then immediately turned to Amelia. "This is most unfortunate. Amelia, I will be sent to an asylum if this keeps up!"
"Asylum's went out of fashion a long time ago, Hiro. Now it's called a psychiatric hospital," she said.
"Dressing something up in pretty packaging does not change what it is at its base," Hirotaka said. "He will not understand anything! I am spoken to by gods!"
Just then a throat cleared and the two gasped and turned, eyes wide. The psychologist had returned! "Ooh, um, wh-what did you hear?" Amelia asked worriedly.
The doctor was staring at Hirotaka in shock. "My, my, this is indeed a disturbing problem. You say the gods speak to you?" the man asked. Hirotaka could hardly squeak. "Amelia, perhaps I should have some time alone with Hirotaka."
"H-he was kidding!" Amelia exclaimed, terrified of what the man must be thinking. Paranoid Schizophrenic, probably. Or psychosis.
"And I believe you, my dear. However, these sessions can be very private," he said, clearly not believing them. Amelia looked uneasily at a stun-locked Hirotaka. Reluctantly she rose and headed out, giving him as reassuring a smile as she could muster. "Okay, maybe this had been a mistake after all. Something told her she'd definitely have to make this up to him later.
Amelia left the room and Hirotaka's jaw twitched as the doctor approached him. The man sat down behind his desk looking intrigued, and Hirotaka looked nervously over at him. "Um, I can explain," he lamely said to the man.
"I know, son, I know. Now, how long have the, err, 'gods' been speaking to you?" the psychologist asked. Hirotaka groaned and lay back on the sofa. This was going to be a disaster and a half. As if he didn't have enough to worry about already. His sister and Monkey Fist were probably planning out a wedding behind his back as they spoke! He shuddered at the thought.