The last few chapters sure have been longer than average, eh?

And I love time and a half holiday pay. That is all today.

Published December 27, 2011

Lesser of Two Evils

"I think I'll duck out for a bit," Midna giggled, slipping into Link's shadow. "You know I'm not a big fan of the light. See you later!"

He only got a few seconds of peace. "I don't think you need this anymore." A tendril slipped out of Link's pack, yanking the eye patch off just when Lanayru rose in a pillar of light. Link screamed as his sensitive eye was bombarded by the brilliance. Majora laughed. "I've been waiting to do that for hours."

"SON OF A BITCH!"

"Now what did I say about hitting home with insults?"

Lanayru took the form on an enormous serpent, holding its ball of light within its great mouth. It rose before Link, its luminescence healing all wounds of flesh. "Thank you, hero, for returning the last of the light to this land. Your quest is nearly over."

"YES!" Link pumped his fist into the air energetically.

Lanayru slowly nodded. "Yes indeed. I am impressed by your determination. May I have your name so that I can call you more than 'hero' for the duration of our conversation?"

"I'm Link."

"And I'm Majora," the mask interjected.

"And I, big snake man, have been dubbed by my parents with the forename of BARINADE."

Lanayru paused, tilting his head to peek around behind Link and Majora. A large, three legged mass of flesh stood one long tentacle behind him, using his other two to blast electricity dramatically into the air. "Yes you are."

"I get the feeling that you're the sensible spirit," Link said, scooting away from Bariande.

"I like to think that way. Now Barinade, before you go into some sort of insane babbling tangent like your type tends to do, please let me get my speech out of the way first. I have a few things to tell Link."

Barinade plopped down and pulled out a deck of cards, laying out a game of Solitaire. "I shall allow this!"

"Thank you. Link, you seek the final piece of the Fused Shadow, yes?"

Link shrugged. "Midna wants it. I want to go home and lie down for a few weeks."

"Good enough. I have something to tell you that I never want you to forget. I would try to use a moderately eerie visual medium to work at burning it in, but instead I will talk in a voice that will scar you to the soul."

Link whimpered, cowering as far from the being of light as he could without being near Barinade.

"A forbidden power has been locked away at the will of the goddesses we spirits serve. It- hleck!" Lanayru broke into a coughing fit, its tail bashing off the cave wall and almost causing a collapse. "Okay, that hurts my throat. I'm not doing it anymore."

"Thank Din..."

"Long ago, when the world was but chaos, the goddesses descended and gave order to the ruined world. They granted power equally to all who lived in the world's light and then returned to the heavens when their duty was done. The lands where the goddesses descended came to be known as the Sacred Realm."

-Meanwhile, in the heavens-

Nayru sighed. "I'm starting to think that we need to drop an exposition manual in front of every new hero. I don't want to have someone explain the background every single adventure."

"Agreed," Farore said, nodding. "I'll get Din on it once she finishes setting your possessions on fire."

"Wait, what?"

-Back with Link-

"To summarize, people heard of the Triforce, got greedy and started killing each other for just one wish, some magic people came up and tried to do evil things, you guys got pissed off and sealed them away, and now we have Fused Shadows to find," Majora said after Lanayru's explanation finished.

"Yes. Be very, very careful with the Fused Shadow. It's what little remains in this world of their power and it can very easily-"

"This tale bores me!"

Lanayru shuddered, glaring at Barinade. "You're not even supposed to be here! If you don't want to hear, leave."

"I have business with the skirt-boy!" Barinade proclaimed, patting Link on the shoulder.

Link moved away very quickly. "Who are you?"

"I AM BARINADE!"

"All of you, SHUT UP!" The cave went silent at the light spirit's shout. "Have your shits and giggles outside once the grown up talk is done, all right?" Everyone nodded quickly. "Good. Now Link, do you know what exactly your companion is planning to do with the Fused Shadow?"

Thinking back to all of Midna's dialogue so far, he said, "She's planning to kill the king of twilight I think."

"I see. Try to make sure no one is able to abuse its power, will you? The last piece is deep in the Lakebed Temple of Lake Hylia, far under the water. I assume that you'd best find some way to breathe before going down there. Your kind is generally not adept at doing that underwater." The serpent retreated into its spring, the light leaving the cave. "May your journey have a safe ending."

"Bye..."

With that, silence reigned. No trace of the great being lingered after its departure, only the dripping of water from the rocks on the roof.

Then Barinade grabbed Link by the head and started walking out of the cave. "AH! PUT ME DOWN YOU CRAZY TENTACLE FREAK!" He swore that he heard Lanayru groan. "DIABABA, FYRUS, SOMEONE HELP!"

-Somewhere in Hyrule Castle Town-

"Fyrus sorry. Fyrus not mean to set inflammable houses on fire. No doing again."

A town guard shakily nodded at the colossus and his plant friend. "A-as long as you're sorry," he whimpered, too afraid of them to move. "All's f-forgiven."

The fire giant slapped himself on the chest, holding his head high. "Fyrus will work to repair damage! He wookie man!"

"NO, no, that's not needed..."

"Oh come now, that's no way to react to a friendly offer," Diababa said as she sent the rookie an eye-smile. "With our great natural prowess, we will make new, naturally produced homes for all those people! To the trees!" She spun into the ground, the surface closing above her cheers. Fyrus began to clap and ran off to the south with no clue as to where he was going.

-Back in Lake Hylia-

Link's screams and nonstop insults meant nothing to Barinade. "Cease that racket!" the anemone snapped at his hostage. He shook Link around by the head, temporarily silencing the teen.

"W-who are you anyway?" Link slurred as he regained his senses.

"I am the incarnation of perfection-"

"He's Barinade, an eccentric idiot who thinks he's some sort of god," Majora quickly said. "He's also an unmatched narcissist who I get the feeling is actually very insecure about how there's nothing that would ever find him visually attractive and thus tries to force his presence onto others to accommodate for this shortcoming, so unless you want a huge speech about how he's the best thing to ever exist then you'll never ask that question again."

"And I see you're unchanged, mask," Barinade grumbled, giving Link one last shake before continuing up the river.

"Still an unholy force bound to a piece of purple wood. So yup, nothing new."

Thankfully, Barinade was merciful enough to hold Link out of the raging current as they travelled upstream. None of the Bulblins positioned along the banks tried to attack them, all either confused by the sight or afraid of the giant electrical monster that bashed most of them up just an hour ago.

At the river's midpoint were Bongo Bongo and the Twinmold duo, the former's large eye twitching as Barinade gleefully approached him. "What is that?"

"This is Link!" Barinade dropped him in front of the eyeball monster. Link stared, unable to make a sound in his terrorized state.

"Link...?" Feeling the urge to crush something into oblivion, one of Bongo Bongo's detached hands grabbed the nearby howling stone and turned it to dust in a second. "You look... exactly like him."

Link squeaked.

"He's already got more common sense," the red Twinmold chuckled, crossing his arms and sitting down on the farmhand's hat. "And his hat is so much cleaner."

"Hey, it's Twinmold one and two!" Majora chimed. "How are you guys? Liking the fairy form?"

"YOU'RE DEAD! WHERE ARE YOU? YOU NEED TO DIE!"

"Oh come on, I opened a new word of possibilities for you."

Ignoring the bickering duo, Bongo Bongo moved closer to Link. The Hylian in question felt his heart stop beating. Sensing his plight, Midna popped out of his shadow. "He's not the Link you're thinking of. We've had this problem a lot already."

"I... see. That's good. That's very, very good."

"FYRUS CANNONBALL!"

The former Goron chieftain came out of nowhere and slammed into the water, drenching everyone with his shockwave. He jovially climbed out, his skin reigniting a few seconds later. "Found you!"

Then Diababa's face popped out of the dirt in front of Link. "...Hi."

"Great," the blue fairy sighed. "More wacko names to add to the list. And I thought we had finally maxed out the world's supply of crazy."

Diababa fully emerged, happily looking over the newcomers. "You guys are totally veteran adventurers, right? Want to come help us save the world?"

"No," Bongo Bongo answered without hesitance. "We're already doing something."

Link sprung up, grabbing a vine from Diababa and a chain hanging off of the fiery idiot's ankle. "Sorry to bug you then, we'll just be going away now."

Diababa wiggled the petals around her eye. "Why Link, I didn't know you were so frisky."

"GAH!" He let go immediately.

"Ha, just kidding. That wasn't even part of me, it just got caught on my arm underground. You're so silly."

"Okay, can we go now?"

"One second dear. Fyrus is making a friend."

He knew it was only going to hurt him. But he decided to see what she was talking about anyway.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade roared, shooting electrical charges into the air dramatically.

Fyrus pumped his fists, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "YOU ARE BARINADE!"

"YES! You are an educated man, friend." Barinade and Fyrus bumped knuckles/knuckle equivalents. One had found someone who could understand him and the other now knew someone that could shout things really loudly. "Now scream your name over these mountains! Declare yourself, and let the world know who is going to stir things up!"

"I FYRUS!"

"Almost. I AM Fyrus! Shout it from the top of your lungs!"

"I CAN FYRUS!"

"...CLOSE ENOUGH. Now go get 'em, make me proud!"

Fyrus pounded his chest, taking off in a run down the river. "Fyrus eat puny world! Make it taste like carrots!" His companions followed, making sure to take a less lethal route.

-Later-

Link, Midna, Diababa and Fyrus stood on the bridge that towered over Lake Hylia, looking down at their new source of problem. "Now we need a way to breathe underwater," Link said. "Anyone know any tricks about that?"

Diababa began bouncing in place, scaring Link into thinking that the bridge was going to collapse. "That Barinade was a water based life form. I'm sure I could ask-"

"NO! He's, uh, doing more important things."

"More important than saving the world?" Midna laughed.

"Can we stop talking about those other guys and focus on us for now?"

"MR. LIIIIINK!"

The postman came running down the bridge holding a bunch of letters. "Hello," Link greeted calmly.

"I have two letters for you!" The postman picked two envelopes from his pack and slid them right into Link's fingers. "And I have one for you, Mr. Fyrus." He then handed a nicely sized package to the giant.

"Yay! Cookies from mama!"

"And my parcel?" Diababa hissed.

"As per usual, ma'am."

Link opened the letters, flipping through them. "Ads and more ads. Great. I'm on the road and I still get junk mail. Wait, bombs that will go off underwater? How does that even work? The powder would be soaked!"

"Ah, the beauty of nature. As hard as you try, nothing can stop it from doing what it's meant to." Diababa wiped a non-existent tear from her eye. "Now let's go get Barinade."

"NO!"

"I have a better idea," Midna said. "Why don't we go find that Zora kid in Castle Town?"

Contemplating his options, it wasn't difficult for Link to make a decision. As much as he was annoyed by Ilia, she was at least a normal person who didn't scream her own name and drag him by his face... most of the time. "Fine..." Link whistled Epona over, mounting the horse. "It's by far the lesser of two evils."

They set off, crossing back across the oil drenched bridge and through the vacant meadows of Hyrule Field. As the group disappeared around the high cliffs, two Bokoblins emerged from the nearby brush.

"They're gotta be coming back here," Wwvr cackled, rubbing her hands together.

Hykl pumped his fist into the air, shouting, "Let's tell King Bulbo and Lord Bulblin!"

"Yeah!" The siblings hi-fived and ran off, already making plans for Sunday's dinner. It was to be Kargarok eggs.

-Several minutes later-

"And that's how you do the Back Slice," the hero's shade said, nodding down at Link contently.

Link lay on the ground in the strange void, his back gouged open and his life liquids splattered across the area. "Gvrdrfrgrg..." He started coughing up a new pool of blood. The shade started dabbing the red off his clothes. "I... hate you so... much."

"You don't mean that!"

"Yes. I do. I really, really do."

"But... but... I don't hate you..."

"Too bad."

"Will it make you feel better if you can cut my back?"

"NO."

"What about if I get Diababa to kiss it better?"

"NO! Let me go home!"

"'Kay!"

With a fade cut, Link was back in Hyrule Field and feeling perfectly fine. He grumbled about childish ancient heroes and continued trekking toward the bar. "You two should probably stay out here," he said to his giant, idiotic companions. "You might cause a bit of a panic."

"Nah," Diababa said, waving her bulbs. "We've already made ourselves known. They're cool with us."

A soldier on the city's wall saw them coming from a mile away. He froze, blood stopping in his veins. "CODE GREEN!" the terrified man screamed, and instantly an alarm blared across the settlement. Someone pulled a lever, opening a gate in the side of the town wall. A horde of boars shot out like bullets, instantly drawing Fyrus's feeble mind into a predatory stance.

"Running things must be chased! FYRUS RUNNING!" The giant ran after them, giggling like the enormous man-child that he was.

"CRISIS AVERTED!" Trumpets played.

Diababa, however, happily bounced into town alongside Link. The streets immediately became barren, not even a stray dog crossing their path. "Now you have to wait outside," Link said, pointing at the tiny door that was their destination.

"Lies!"

"Just stay out here." He slipped inside, slamming the door shut.

As before, the focal point of everyone in the room was the dying Zora child laying on a makeshift bed. A doctor had arrived, a decrepit old man with a nose longer than his chin and glasses as thick as a baby's fist. Link arrived as he yanked one of the Zora's eyelids open, putting a match dangerously close to his unfocused pupil. Nodding, he pulled back. "That's a Zora all right, mhm."

"The top of his class," the barkeep muttered. "So what's wrong with him?"

"No idea, nope! Zoras aren't my forte. Goodnight." He hobbled out the door, his scream of surprise cutting off as it latched shut.

"That was a tip jar well spent."

"Now what do we do?" Ilia asked, seemingly looking right past Link. The farm boy hesitated, trying to comprehend why she didn't seem to recognize him. Maybe it was the skirt. He didn't like it. He'd take it off, but the tights were even worse. They rode up on his crotch. He had a feeling that the light spirits didn't make this garb personally fitted to him.

"Ilia?"

"I know someone in Kakariko Village who knows more about caterpillars than that guy knows about people. If there's anyone who can help, it's that person."

Ilia nodded enthusiastically. "Then we should take him there!"

"That is too dangerous!" A group of town soldiers made themselves known, jumping to their feet from the small corner they occupied. "We cannot allow the two of you to travel all the way to Kakariko on your own. How about we accompany them, men?"

The armour clad men burst into cheers, swinging their weapons randomly through the air. One particularly ecstatic newbie smacked the rafter, weakening it enough to collapse half of the roof on the lot of them, burying them in rubble.

"The protectors of our city... Hey, you, thanks for volunteering," the barkeep said, smiling at Link.

"Wait, what?"

"You're going to help protect us poor civilians on our way to Kakariko Village I believe."

"I don't remember ever saying that."

"Please sir!" Ilia clapped her hands together, pleading.

"Wait, what? What's wrong with you? Did a horse kick you in the head when you tried to wipe its ass?"

"Did you say horse? I love horses, and any animal really. Especially Bulbos. They have these cute little snouts and those tiny feet-"

"Now I'm genuinely worried," Link interjected. "Kakariko really isn't that far, so my friend can help bring you there. She's waiting outside, and let's just say that she has a bit more presence than I do..."

-A few minutes later, outside Castle Town-

"And that's how Fyrus done and save festive holiday four."

Sadly, Fyrus had quickly caught up to the boars and broke them beyond repair during their first play date. While he was disappointed, this was quickly mended when the not-hero emerged from the west gate with Diababa and a wagon in tow. He filled them in on his latest exploits without delay.

"Thank you for telling us," Majora said. "You're a credit to our team, and don't forget it ya big lug. Now give Link a hug."

"No hugging! Hey, Telma, why aren't we going out, you know, the gate that's like two minutes from Kakariko?"

The barkeep adjusted the reins on her horses, performing the final checks to make sure they were secured. "We could've, but the big guy broke the bridge to Hyrule Field on his last visit."

"Fyrus not sorry. That was mean bridge and it got what was coming. That was Fyrus foot."

Link felt a headache tearing its way into his brain right through his eyes. He swatted it away, focusing on the task at hand. "Right. Let's go."

They set off, Diababa taking point. Telma drove the wagon with Ilia and the Zora Prince Ralis right behind her, with Link tagging alongside it atop Epona. Fyrus was left to his own devices. It was for the best.

It was a short trip to their first obstacle. Atop the great bridge that crowned Lake Hylia was an old duo of foes, ready to reclaim lost honour. "FUCK YEAH, YOU BITCH FACED TARDS ARE GONNA DIE!" Lord Bulbo was just as before.

They stopped the caravan of misfits at one end of the bridge, staring incredulously at their enemies. "How are you not dead?" Link shouted out.

"King Bulblin rolled when he landed, asswipe!"

"And you?"

"I'm fucking awesome!"

"Figures..."

"AND NOW..." Bulbo snorted loudly, spitting on the oily bridge. "WITHOUT THE BIG BULL BITCH, WE'RE GONNA FUCK. YOUS. UP! WE'RE THE B AND B, AND YOU GUYS ARE SHI-ET!" He started charging across the bridge, his rider pulling out an enormous axe that was not meant for polite conversation.

Link looked at the runners. He then dropped his eyes to the oil that drenched the rock. Pulling out a bomb, he lit the fuse and lightly lobbed it forward.

At the rise of a rapidly spreading fire, Bulbo expressed his reconsideration of the method of attack. "...Clever bastard."

He tried to turn around but seemed to forget that the bridge was no more than ten feet wide. Like Goht in Snowhead Temple, he swerved and ran head first into the wall. Bulblin was sent flying over the edge, the boar tumbling after. "SONOFABITCHTHATWASDUMB!"

Link nodded contently, smiling as he heard the splashes. "And now we wait."

Telma poked him in the side with a long stick. "What do you propose we do about the flaming bridge we need to cross?"

"And now we wait."