Ah, the first chapter of the new year. All is well in the world. Okay, that's a complete and total lie when I think about it. There is so much wrong with even the best countries that trying to list all the ways that sentence lied would probably make this note longer than Group of Weirdos: Majora's Mask. But that is completely beside the point.

Let's see, I have the choice between playing Twilight Princess and playing Skyward Sword, using Youtube instead of playing the former. Gee, I wonder what I'm going to chose? Though the first boss made me wonder how I could GoW that game. I soon thought up a solution should I ever get around to it. All is well. I have named my bird Frizzleneck by the way, and should I get to that game it is likely that he will be referred to as such. Just a heads up.

This chapter is basically downtime before the temple, but hey, if we didn't have low points of action then there wouldn't be any high points. Besides, I like how it turned out.

A few notes by the way. I'm glad to answer any questions, but if you ask please leave a signed review so I can actually respond. I really want to respond to some of these, but I don't answer in the author notes for several reasons I won't get into here. Last chapter was where the MS Word document with this story in it passed a hundred pages! I don't care that it's double spaced between paragraphs, it counts. Also, chapter eleven was the one hundredth Group of Weirdos chapter! There will be many more to come, and several already written... That'll keep ya guessing for a bit :V

I know it says "Updated January 2nd" up there but screw that, it's three in the morning here and I'm not in the Pacific Time Zone!

Published January 3, 2012

Little Shop of Avarice

"FIGHT TO THE LAST MAN! DEATH BEFORE SURRENDER!" Diababa roared more enthusiastic battle cries as she tore through the Bulblins and Bulbos which assaulted their wagon, foolishly running to their deaths without a care in the world.

No, really, they didn't give half a damn. Some weren't even paying attention when one of her bulbs turned their body mass into a one centimetre thick slab.

"Hey, did you hear about Chrl?" one asked his wingman.

"No, what about him?"

"Apparently, he made a cure to the common cold."

"Wow, that's pretty neat actually. Think he'll sell it?"

"Nah, I really doubt it."

"How come?"

"Just got eaten by the big flaming monster."

"Oh. Sucks."

"Yup."

Link watched the carnage, mouth agape as Diababa used her three appendages to crush six Bulblins at once. "This is war," he muttered, wincing when Fyrus started making pancakes.

"Not gonna help you buddies?" Telma asked, seemingly unfazed by the bloodshed.

"I think they've got it covered..."

The wagon was hit by another stray arrow, lighting it aflame. Link casually tossed his tornado spewing boomerang, putting it out. "That got old a field ago."

Diababa ate a Bulblin in one bite. "Why are so many of you just throwing yourselves at this wagon? I know it's got a hideous paint job, but really."

"Us? We're just keeping you distracted," a Bulblin said uncaringly.

"From what?"

"The Kargarocs."

Link turned left. The wagon was completely gone, lifted into the air by two dozen giant birds. The horses dangled below it, freaking out as they got higher and higher. "When the hell did that happen?"

He whipped out his bow, stringing an arrow. Taking aim, Link fired the wooden stick at the kidnapping flock. It completely missed, flying over them and coming down in a nearby beehive. The bees took offense to this, as well as Link's very existence, and immediately swarmed the kid so they could bite the hell out of him.

"THIS I KIND OF DESERVED. OW! OW! WHAT BEES BITE?"

"Fyrus help puny green girl!"

"Are you talking about m- NO, THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA!"

Fyrus backhanded all of the bees, incinerating their tiny bodies instantly. Unfortunately, Link was in the middle of said cloud and found himself sent sprawling by the giant's hand. Epona had managed to duck just in time to avoid sharing her master's fate.

"Ta-da!"

Somehow, Diababa had saved the wagon in this time. It was covered in her purple poison water, the wood decaying more with each second, but the fact remains that it was saved.

They brought the remaining planks of wood into the last part of Hyrule Field. Only a bridge and several hundred metres lay between them and the relative safety of Kakariko Village, a gap they were already halfway across by the time that part of the sentence was written.

Then they entered the village, ending the conflict.

"Damn, they've gone into Kakariko," a Bulblin shouted, halting their pursuit. "Retreat!"

"Why sir?"

"Don't question your superiors!"

"But you aren't my superior."

In the village, Ralis was handed over to Renado. Renado took the boy into the house, putting him in the guest room and staying inside to check on the Zora. Diababa poked her head in through the window. "How is he how is he?" she asked, bouncing against the stone building.

"I am trying to find out."

"Oh. Found out yet?"

"Please give me silence."

"Can do, Mr. Ma'am! I will be silent as the grave, but I won't be dead because that would be very bad. Hopefully he isn't dead either. That'd be pretty bad, wouldn't it Midna?"

"I don't really care to be honest."

Renado stood up. "My survey is done. Please proceed to the main room where I will relay the information."

"Okie dokie, can do!" Diababa ducked out of the room. Immediately, Renado closed the window and locked it, going back to the examinations.

Outside, Link was trying in vain to teach Fyrus proper linguistics. "I am happy."

"Fyrus happy?"

"I. Am. Happy."

"Ike... gone... toilet?"

"No! That's not even close! You got worse that time!"

"Fyrus sorry."

"I am sorry."

"It okay. Puny green cricket not need to be sorry."

Link let out a frustrated cry, pressing his face into his hands. "Let's skip to lesson two: DON'T HIT ME AGAIN!"

"Fyrus said Fyrus sorry. Fyrus only wanted to kill wee little bumblebees."

"Heeheeheeheehee."

Link pushed his bag of items off a crate. "Shut up Majora."

"I think you just armed all the bombs," the mask said.

"Shit!" Link grabbed the bag and hurled it across the village, only realizing he had been tricked by the sound of Majora laughing its metaphorical ass off. "The world hates me, I swear."

"Stop hating Fyrus friend, stupid world!" Fyrus stomped on the ground. This caused a tremor that reached a huge hollow space below Kakariko Village, the ground breaking below Link and causing him to fall screaming into the darkness. "NO! World ate puny green monkey because of Fyrus impudence! Fyrus sorry world, give friend back..."

"Help me, please," Link shouted out from the hole. "There are things down here and they're gnawing on me..."

"No we aren't. Now stay still and taste better."

Renado had finished the analysis by the time the not-hero was rescued. The local ignored the hole, instead directly facing the group. "I have determined what ails the boy."

"Is he homesick?" Diababa asked.

"He is suffering from exhaustion, severe epidermal dehydration, a concussion, and a case of mild boneitis. He will need weeks of treatment to recover."

"That's depressing."

"He also continuously mumbles deliriously about his mother. Would you know about her at all?"

"Dead," Majora immediately answered. "She got herself hanged, drawn and quartered by Zant's people I believe."

Link pulled the mask out, glaring at it. "How do you know this?"

"It's an educated guess."

"In addition," Renado continued, "it seems your friend Ilia is suffering from amnesia. She does not remember anything but the language she speaks. All that can be done is to wait for either a trigger or for the trauma to wear away."

"Me and horses didn't work," Link said. "We're gonna wait."

They looked over at the girl in question. She stood near the door of a random house, looking around the town in wonderment.

Colin walked past her. "...Hi."

Ilia jerked to attention. "Colin! I remember you now!"

"...Yay."

"And there's Talo! And Malo! And Beth! Yes, we're all from Ordon Village, aren't we? It's coming back en masse!" She cheered, hugging the confused child.

Link's eyebrow twitched. "All right, never mind that." He left the group, being sure to go around the hole with a wide berth, and approached Ilia. "Remember me yet?"

She stared at him, happiness turning to confusion. "No, I'm sorry."

"WHAT? At this rate you'll remember Billy the Goat before me!"

"Billy! He's that little scamp who used to eat all of my dad's tomatoes before he got neutered. Poor guy, he's never been the same..."

"OH COME ON!"

"Hey Link!" Diababa popped out of the ground between them, eye-smiling brightly. "Telma just finished telling me that she's part of a group of Hylian freedom fighters and that she wants us to stop by in her bar sometime soon and that there's a secret passage into the castle somewhere in her bar! Cool, huh?"

"Fascinating. Now-"

"Also, there's a ghost behind you."

"AH!" Link whirled around, learning that there was in fact a giant Zora ghost floating to his rear. The ghost said nothing, only drifting away.

"We should follow her," Diababa suggested.

"Ha ha, no thanks. I'm not getting dragged to hell for a second time today."

"What about tomorrow?"

"I'm not going!"

In response to his reluctance, Midna popped out of his shadow and said, "That's actually the Zora queen who talked to me back in twilight. I think she had something she wants to show you."

"My death, right?"

"Just go already!" She put her shadow hands through his eyes, waving them around.

"AH! ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING. Don't do that again." Link begrudgingly followed the ghost, convinced that whatever happened would not be in his best interests.

-Kakariko Graveyard-

"A graveyard. How reassuring," Link grunted, glaring at Midna.

"Keep going."

The ghost drifted to the back of the lot, disappearing through a stone wall. As she did so, one of the tombstones faded away to reveal a hole small enough for Link to crawl through. He had Fyrus carry him over the cliff instead.

On the other side was a large body of water, deeper than it was wide, possessing a gigantic tombstone on the opposing shore. The ghost hovered over the stone, waiting. "And this is where the minions of hell drag me to a watery grave."

Midna stuck a hand through his head again. "Get over there."

Link slipped into the water, swimming to the far bank. He almost drowned several times due to his equipment burden but was able to pass without losing his life in the end. He looked up at the ghost, crossing his dripping arms.

"I am deeply grateful to you for aiding my son in his time of need," the ghost said. "You were right to bring him here. Kakariko Village is a sacred place for our people. It is where we come for our final rest."

Majora snickered at this. "You come to the other side of the world? I can see why you end up dying on arrival."

"And why are you grateful that we brought him to a place where every one of your people ends up dying?" Link added.

"Quiet, I'm dead."

"What's that like?" Majora asked. "I've never had the chance to have a discussion with a ghost I haven't made, and they tend to curse me more than they answer questions."

"It's unpleasant. Now take the garments that have been left here by my husband. He created them specifically for the chosen hero, to allow him to last underwater as though a Zora."

The grave slid back, revealing a small alcove housing a set of blue and gold armour. Link uncertainly picked it up, hesitating to put it on.

-In the Faron Woods-

Odolwa kicked the last monkey out of the tree, getting a few more minutes of peace before they came at him and Gyorg again. "I can keep this up all week!" he shouted down. "Also, Link just got the Zora Armour. That armour was handed down through the Zora royal family. If he has it equipped, he can move freely through the water, but will be more vulnerable to fire and ice attacks."

Gyorg stabbed him through the neck with his horn.

-Back in Kakariko-

"That's a pretty nifty set of armour," Midna said, watching Link struggle to put it on.

"Yeah, but it was not made for me," he grunted, shimmying the chest piece over his head. "It's a bit tight."

"Yes, that's very nice. I'd say it's time to go get that final Fused Shadow, wouldn't you? It's nice that you found you last friend, and I use that term very loosely, but until we kill Zant no one's really safe."

"Except Zant," Majora said. It was ignored.

-Sometime later-

"Welcome, welcome, WELCOME to Dodongo's Variety! We charge two hundred times more than everyone else, but fuck you there's no one around here who sells the same shit!"

Link, Midna, Epona, Diababa, Fyrus and Majora had left Kakariko behind, glad to escape the village which caused nothing but pain and suffering. Immediately after, they needed to get supplies. Rather than going back they decided to just keep going and pray that some form of civilization was between them and Lake Hylia. As it turned out, they had missed a shop just past the Faron-Lanayru border during the escort.

The most prominent question was whether the current location was better or worse.

King Dodongo laughed at their twitching faces, tenting his claws on the giant counter. "Don't stand there looking shell-shocked. Buy something!"

"It's better than nothing," Link muttered. He started to browse the wares, scanning the shelves for anything of value. On the second row, something caught his eye. "Water bombs?"

"Yup, the only ones in Hyrule."

"But I thought Barnes-"

"Not anymore!"

"Right. I'll take a few."

As Link paid for his purchase, Diababa nudged Fyrus and pointed at a trio of large, golden triangles sitting on a shelf near the roof, elevated by a golden pedestal. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Fyrus no know what Diababa think it is."

"It looks like the Triforce."

King Dodongo poked his head between them, almost crushing them against opposing walls. "That it is! What you see before you is the one and only artifact of the three goddesses, hidden from mortal hands for centuries! Being the benevolent dinosaur that I am, I'm letting any consumer who can pay two million rupees get their hands on it."

Diababa was practically drooling over the obvious fake. "Link, do we have two million rupees?"

He checked his wallet. "I'm one million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and thirty-six short."

She quickly snatched the wallet from his hands, holding a 'hand' up to silence his protests. "This is going into the Triforce Initial Trust Savings."

"T-I... Do you have any idea what acronym you just made?"

"A simple one, that's what! Any money we get will go right to my savings account, then we can buy the Triforce and wish for all the money back."

"I like the way you think," King Dodongo commented, nodding approvingly. "You know how to handle money: take it all and keep it to yourself."

"Yay!" Diababa gave him an acidic kiss.

King Dodongo licked it off his lips. "Mm, tasty."

Link sighed, jabbing Diababa's side. "That's not the real Triforce," he said.

"Totally is," King Dodongo retorted. "Why would I sell it for so much if it wasn't?"

"He has a point," Diababa said, still ogling over the fake.

"No he doesn't!"

"Fyrus want pogo stick!"

After buying Fyrus a pogo stick and telling Diababa that she'd make no money by wasting time in the shop, Link was able to get the group moving forward to their next objective. They returned to the great bridge, looking down at the full lake below.

"Now how do we get down?" Link asked, slipping his iron boots on so no one would push him. "Safely."

"Fyrus cannonball!" Fyrus jumped off the bridge, plummeting to what would have become a red mess if he were a normal being.

Link glanced at Diababa. "You're going to jump too, aren't you?"

"Yup! Yip-yip-yah-hoo!" She bounded over the edge, disappearing.

"What about you?" Midna asked. "Planning to echo their insanity?"

"No thanks. I think I'll go upriver a bit and put this new armour to use."