Title: Frigid Euphoria

Chapter Five Summary: Her secrets have always left him in the dark

Warnings: None

Disclaimer: I own nothing

I have always been fascinated by secrets. I grew up under a false sense of security with my two sisters and Mongolia, so of course I see secrets and danger everyplace I look. Sweet little Japan who claims to agree with America on everything—still holds resentment towards him for Hiroshima and Little Boy, secretly glade that America is in so much debt he practically belongs to China.

Spain who always offers tomatoes to unsuspecting strangers—trying his best to keep past bloodlust and dark history back into the darkest corner of his mind even though he wants nothing more than to re-conquer his former colonies.

People lie even us Nations. Its instinctive, it's like breathing. We lie because we believe that everyone can see our dirty little secrets.

My sweet little Sunflower lies. Sesel looks me in the eye as she does it. As liars go, Sesel is a genius. She learned how to whisper sweet, silver lies from her father figure Francis…the king of liars and false promises.

I think I had known her for years before I figured out that beneath her sweet façade there lurked a deep web of lies and betrayal. I noticed it in small things first. The way she would freeze up during sex and cling onto me like a child and not a lover. Or the times she would not talk to me for months no matter how hard I tried to lure her into a conversation.

Sometimes, I tried to tease the truth out of her or sometimes I tried to get straight to the point.

"Tell me what it was like being a colony of both France and England? Were they like fathers or dictators?"

She would try to hedge. "Why does it matter? Those days are long gone and they are longer the men they use to be. I have you now and I'm happy…happier than I've ever been in years."

One night, when Sesel refused to come to bed, choosing instead to watch television downstairs, I was feeling edgy and impatient. I was sick of her acting strangely, of being so secretive, and stubborn. She was mine but she wasn't entirely mine…all her secrets were preventing us from fully being together.

I knew her as a country…but as a person I know nothing except what her hobbies were, her hopes, her dreams etc. She claims that she has no secrets to tell me but I begged to differ. To approach the matter more directly was going to be hard but I was not the sort of man to give up.

"Truth or dare," I said.

She finally looked away from the late night show she was watching, brown eyes tired from spending too much time watching the screen. "What?"

"Truth or dare. Come now my little Sunflower you love games."

Sesel stared at me, her brown eyes wary. "I only like to play chess and monopoly. Truth or dare is more of a game that America would like to play."

" I am not America."

"Nor am I."

Sesel sighed and rubbed her temples, her expression stony as she picked up the remote and turned off the television. "Ivan…how about we just go back to bed…I'm so tired."

" Nyet. I am not feeling tired and we have not played a decent game in so long my little sunflower. I did invite you to spend the month with me in my house and as a good guest you must play a game with me da?"

That seemed to finally get her attention and she finally nodded in silent acceptance. "Fine. What do you want Russia."

Whenever she called me by my nation's name, it meant she was either displeased with me or was attempting to emotionally distance herself from me. She didn't like how I always pushed her, but my little sunflower was more than just dark skin and a pretty face. Her country was capable of so much more than tourism and beautiful islands.

"Truth or dare. Just pick. It is not so hard so hurry and choose or I'll choose for you." I sat next to her, close enough so that are legs were touching and her shoulder was pressed against my own. I wore simple pajama pants, socks, and the scarf my beloved older sister made for me.

Sesel only wore a light nightgown and had her hair in a bun. She had long since gotten use to the cold of my home and came to me for warmth, something I was gladly able to give. Wrapping an arm around her, I pulled her closer, noticing her hair was a little damp.

She must have showered and smoothed an almond-scented lotion all over her body. It was a subtle scent, light, clean, but she knew I caught it because my nostrils flared just a fraction, then she leaned away just a little gently rejecting my offer to keep her warm.

"Ivan…"

"Play with me, Sesel. I We love each other. It's not too much to ask da?"

She was going to do it. I could tell by the way she steeled her spine, tried to look brave. She had been putting me off for years. Surely, she realized at a certain point she would have to share more intimate details about her life. I told her my secrets…now it was her turn.

"Dare," she said at last.

"Kiss me," I ordered. "For one minute."

She hesitated. I thought she would get up and go upstairs to the guest room for the night, and I braced myself for rejection. But then she sighed and smiled, ever so softly she smiled. She turned her head to look up at me and closed her eyes, puckering her lips. Of course, I was taller and bigger than she was so I leaned forward and pressed my lips against her own.

She was going to be chaste about it, I knew her better then she knew herself and had anticipated the chasteness of our kiss. And I know that if I tried to be aggressive or demanding, she would shut down. Sesel never yelled at me, never struck me, never attempted to argue with me. She simply disappeared, somewhere deep inside her where nothing I said or did seemed to reach her, until I could be standing right beside her, and I would still be alone.

My girlfriend, my little sunflower respected me. Did not fear me like the rest did. Accepted my bloody history. Loved me. She showed me compassion when I knew full well I did not deserve it. She did her best to spend more time with me and did not talk about politics every time we had lunch together.

Except when it came to sex. We have a very active and healthy sex life, but whenever she became moody or whenever I pushed her too far she would shut down. Call me cruel but I have always loved the reactions people gave me whenever I've discovered their carefully hidden secret.

Only when I tried to dig into her secrets she would stop being physically affectionate with me or stop speaking to me altogether.

I did not open my mouth. I did not grab her thin shoulders; bury my fingers in her dark hair. I did not do anything that I longed to do. Instead, I held back my impatience, and ever so slowly, I kissed her back.

She gave me gentleness, so I returned her sweetness, my breath whispering across her closed lips. She gave me love, so I showered it upon the corner of her mouth, the full expanse of her bottom lip. She gave me respect, so I never once pushed the boundaries she had set.

Nevertheless, I daresay it was still a good kiss. My little sunflower was not naïve or innocent.

When the minute was up, she drew back. But she was breathing harder now, and I could see something lurking in her eyes. Something dark, intense. It made me want to push her small body into the couch and have my way with her until we were both ready to be one, until she stopped clinging onto me like a scared child.

She wanted me too. I could see it from the way she was breathing and staring at me but we still had a game to finish…and I was going to get my prize.

Instead of giving her what she wanted, I whispered, "Truth or dare little one. Your turn. Ask me. Truth or dare."

I could see the conflict. She wanted to say dare. She wanted me to touch her again. Or maybe take off her nightgown. Or trail my large hands across her dark skin and petite body.

"Truth," she said huskily.

"Ask."

"Ivan, why are you doing this?"

"Because I cannot help myself."

"Ivan." She closed her eyes, and for a moment, I could feel her pain.

For a moment, just for a moment, I felt guilty and was going to go back kissing her but I held myself back. "Truth or dare," I demanded.

"Truth," she nearly growled.

"What is the worst thing you've ever done?"

"What do you mean cher?"

"What is the worst thing you've ever done? Come now sunflower. Have you lied? Stolen? Kill anyone? Tell me, Sesel. I want to know more about you. We love each other do we not? Surely you owe me that much."

She looked at me funny. "Ivan…"

"No. No whining, no negotiating, and no more shutting down on me da? Just answer the question. Have you ever done something you regret?"

"…Yes."

"…What?" I asked, genuinely surprised. I always knew that my sunflower was a person who tried to live with no regrets…but to hear that she regretted things she did in life made this game…unsettling.

"Yes I have done things that I have regret doing. But that's not the worst thing I've ever done."

Then Sesel got off the sofa, took me by the hand, and led me upstairs to the room we shared…the game over….

…for now.