So, big break there for many reasons, one of which being me getting caught up in Dark Souls. Because of this, I didn't want to play Twilight Princess. That's not the only reason, I didn't want to play Twilight Princess, but still. Also, semester start with lots of work.

FUCK YOUR TAIL, SEATH! Er, ahem... Let's ignore that. I have problems.

Remember, for every mistake you report you get... um... an imaginary giant robot bodyguard. Yeah. One of those.

Published January 17, 2012

The Two Groups

Link wasn't sure if he wanted to ask, but he knew that he was obligated to find out. "Okay, so... someone explain."

Diababa chuckled nervously. "Weeeell, we found the Lakebed Temple while you were gone and decided to try to get a head start on the puzzles."

Link nodded. "That I can see."

"So Fyrus decided to go in first."

"Also able to see."

"And now he's stuck halfway through the tunnel underwater, probably drowning."

"Right."

"GLUB GLUB FYRUS GLUB GLUB!"

Link sighed. "Go pull him out."

"Aye aye!" With a salute, Diababa dove into the water. Link considered running at this point. Maybe he could use the river to escape faster now that he had the underwater armour.

Eventually, Fyrus was saved and they could enter the temple. Using one of the very expensive water bombs he was able to make the entrance Fyrus sized, allowing the fire giant to follow them underwater. On the way, giant clams tried to attack Link ("WHY ARE THEY SO HUGE?") but they were easily dispatched.

The Zora Armour, previously seen as being super tight, was completely waterproofed. The only open parts were his hands and eyes, the latter being constantly battered by low sea debris and plant life. Fortunately, the tunnel came to an end and returned their feet to land.

Fyrus was first up, shaking himself dry and bursting into flame. Diababa popped to the surface, scanning the cavernous room they had stumbled into. "Hey, a chest!"

Link opened the chest, pulling out ten water bombs. First, his left eye started twitching. Next, his arms began to shake. Then he screamed and hurled a bomb at the wall.

"Wow, that's ten free and you paid how much for those five?" Majora asked tauntingly.

"TOO MUCH."

"I thought so."

The first room was an interesting one. It was a mixture of natural and man-made pathways, a cavern full of ledges and broken bridges. "Look at the natural curves of these walls!" Diababa slid to the wall, rubbing up against the rough stone. "Do you have any idea how long it took the water to wear this down?"

"Nope," Link said.

"Crap, I was hoping you did. I have no idea."

The whole room started to shake, stalactites breaking off the ceiling and crashing to the ground. One hit Fyrus over the head and he didn't even notice.

"Well that's dangerous," Midna commented. "Ah, the joys of being a shadow. Have fun crossing!"

-One fun later-

Link tearfully crawled through the doorway, receiving a sympathetic pat from Fyrus as he lay limp.

"NO! YOU STUPID FOOL!" A door slammed shut somewhere below them.

"Who was that?" Link groaned, closing his eyes.

"Sounded like Bongo Bongo," Diababa said, yanking him to his feet. "YO! BONGO! YOU GUYS DOWN THERE?"

"Who was that?" red Twinmold loudly asked.

"IT'S ME! DIABABA!"

"Who the hell is Diababa?"

Bongo Bongo and the Twinmold fairies hovered up from the depths, popping their eyes above the bridge the current group was perched on. "Oh. It's you," blue said.

"Hi."

"What's going on down there?" Midna asked, peeking over the edge.

Bongo Bongo let out a great sigh, closing his eye. "So we found a boss key right next to the big door, and Barinade decided to unlock it. That's fine enough, right? Well being the big asshat that he is, he opened the door and took the key out. When he went through, it closed behind him and locked again. And he still had the key."

"IT IS QUITE DARK IN HERE," Barinade shouted from his prison. "There appears to be some sort of hole in the ground. I shall investigate at once!"

"NO! Stay put until we find another key," Bongo Bongo ordered, punching the wall for effect. "Here's the deal: you lot help us get in there, and we'll help with whatever it is you're trying to do for a bit."

Link shrugged. "We're going in there too, so it's on our path eventually."

"Good. I'll look on the lower levels, you check the upper parts. Take blue with you, and if you need to talk with us tell him. These two can telepathically communicate I've learned."

"I'll come with you guys!" Diababa exclaimed, leaping off the bridge. "WEEE- OW!"

"There are more bridges right below you."

"If I keep jumping, I'll hit water eventually! WEE- OW! WEEE- OW! WEEEEEeee... That drop didn't hurt." Bongo Bongo groaned, lowering back out of sight with the red fairy following.

"Can you really talk telepathically?" Midna asked, eyebrows raised.

"No," blue said. "But we've convinced him we can. Just go along with it and I'll give you a purple rupee."

The next room was a sort of central antechamber, a gigantic chamber full of ledges with a pivoting staircase in the middle. To the side was a single Tektite walking into the wall. It did not react to their presence.

"All right, this place is weird," Link stated. "Let's keep moving."

They passed the bug, sparing it one more glance. Further along, Majora brought up a suggestion. "Link, do you think if you jumped out and hung onto that handle then the stairs would turn?"

They all looked at the handle in question. It hung from the roof, dangling firmly above open water fifty metres below. "Let's not find out and say we did."

"Fyrus thinkis that handle looks like complex mechanical device with moving parts that lead in direction of puny stairs. Puny green ninja should try!"

"I said no!" Link snapped at the giant. "Why don't you do it?"

"Fyrus gargantuan weight will tear puny handle out of place."

Twinmold floated up to Link's shoulder, giving him a firm pat on the ear. "Don't worry, you'll be fine. I know for a fact that the stairs will spin so that your feet will be no more than a foot from the ground when you let go."

-Meanwhile-

"And that's how I saved Christmas."

Bongo Bongo nodded, oozing complete and total fascination at Diababa's exciting story. "Fascinating..." Now for a statement not full of sarcasm: he heard a girlish, high pitched scream.

"Did someone kick our new fairy boy in the nuts?" red Twinmold wondered, floating forward and looking up.

Link was dangling above them, legs swinging wildly as he hung from a stationary gold handle. "SOMEONE GET ME OFF OF THIS! HELP! HEEELP!"

"Why does everyone believe everything I say?" blue Twinmold muttered, smiling gleefully at his pain.

Diababa bounced under him, opening her mouth wide. "Don't worry, I'll catch you! Just let go!"

"NO! THAT'S AN AWFUL IDEA!"

"Yank on it, it's stuck," blue suggested.

"YOU DON'T GET TO TALK ANYMORE! FYRUS, GRAB ME!"

Fyrus walked over to Link, stepping into midair and plummeting straight onto Diababa, sinking them both.

"THERE'S NO FLOOR THERE. WHAT WAS THAT?"

The handle dropped a little, terrifying Link. Before he could scream again, the stairway began to turn, the top coming closer to him. "It's a bit high," he said, noticing that the walls of the platform went up to where his hips were hanging. "No no NO NO NO NO NO NOO!"

"What is happening? WHAT IS BARINADE MISSING?"

After that disaster, the two sides continued on their own paths. Bongo Bongo refused to talk to group A before leaving.

"How do they function in society?" the shadow beast muttered.

Red Twinmold nudged Bongo with his ankle, jerking his head at Diababa. "I don't think they do."

His au naturel companion was hopping after a Tektite, her drool burning holes in the floor. "Come back Lunch- er, Lurch! I just want to hug you with my mouth!"

Bongo Bongo brought his hands to his face... eye... whatever. "I swear, these guys better not be on a world saving adventure."

"Of course they are. Why else would another Link be gathering a group of freaks? Every time it's happened, they've saved the world."

"I'm getting urges to snap his neck again."

"Those aren't urges, they're evolutionary instincts."

-Back with the heroes-

"GET ME DOWN!" Link dangled from another handle, this one hanging jovially above solid stone floor.

"I don't understand why you keep jumping on these things," Majora sighed, exasperated.

"YOU SHOT ME AT IT!"

"Oh, right, I did. That was funny."

The handle dropped, opening a nearby barred door. Fyrus safely lowered him down and the not-hero reluctantly proceeded into the unknown.

The unknown looked an awful lot like a Lizafol smacking him in the face with a shield. Fyrus proceeded to try to make friends with it, killing the ill-fated lizard. He was saddened by this loss of potential.

"Don't worry, someday you'll make a real friend," blue Twinmold said, moving to pat the flaming giant on the shoulder but, upon experiencing contact with his common sense, deciding against it.

"Fyrus have real friend! Puny green girl is Fyrus friend."

"I AM A BOY AND MY NAME IS LINK."

"Puny green boy have very feminine jaw line and nicely plucked eyebrows. Fyrus is jealous of puny green boy's grooming."

Link shook his head, focusing on other topics. The most prevalent one was the fact that they were now ascending a spiralling ramp that seemed to go at least fifty metres upwards, just spinning around and around until reaching, you guessed it, a handle at the top. He skipped this arduous walk with the help of a very enthusiastic Fyrus fastball. No one asked the giant to do it, he just did.

Link climbed to the handle. It was in the centre of a causeway at the top of the room, smooth floor just a few feet below it. "If this makes the floor move away, I'm making sure I land on you Majora."

"And I'll make sure I'm spikes up."

He jumped up to the handle and let his weight pull.

Fortunately, the floor did not give away. Instead, a floodgate opened behind them, deploying a massive amount of water in Link's direction. The wave crashed into him, tearing his grip off the handle and sending him screaming down the spiralling path. He came to the bottom nearly unconscious, twitching lightly in the newly formed pool of water.

Fyrus clapped and cheered. "Fyrus want turn!"

"He's drowning," Midna sighed.

Fyrus tried to run up the ramp, slipping on the wet and flat surface.

"Fyrus, please pull him out before he dies."

The big guy tried jumping up the path. He slipped and fell on impact, laughing as he rolled back down.

"Fyrus!"

Twinmold waved his hand through her upper arm. "Isn't he wearing that water-breathing suit?"

"Oh... right." If she had physical cheeks, they'd probably be red. "Shut up." Or maybe purple, or even green. What colour is Twili blood, and how transparent in the skin on their faces? Perhaps it wouldn't show at all.

"Fyrus think Midna blush be ORANGE!"

That's completely possible. This mystery shall be solved as soon as the Master Sword is claimed.

Link's head jerked up. "The what sword?"

Midna shoved her hands through their eyes. "MOVE ON ALREADY."

-Sometime later-

Link took note of the temple's architecture, quickly growing confused my some of the design choices. "What's with all the giant gears that don't do anything?"

"They look to be providing power to the temple's mechanics and devices," blue Twinmold said.

"So, it powers itself."

"Yes."

"Doing these marvellous things like opening closed doors, and creating waterslides."

"I never said it was in any way productive."

At the bottom of the slide, the water flowed through a hole and into the next room. It proceeded to stream down a system of aqueducts, spreading through the temple and giving it power.

"Is anyone else getting flashbacks to Great Bay?" Bongo Bongo asked the rest of Group B.

Diababa blinked. "Great what?"

Twinmold had a more volatile reaction. "FUCKING GREAT BAY... This is why I need to be a giant sand worm again, then I'd be able to crush the shit outta this place! This bullshit fairy body can't do anything but play with itself, and these hands..."

Bongo Bongo quickly smacked him. "Do not get into the hands again! Boo hoo, you have a fully functional bipedal body capable of sustained flight. Well guess what? I've got hands, a torso and an eye. I'd kill, hell, I have killed, to have everything else! So suck it up and accept what you've got."

"I think we just got great insight into the warped psyche of Bongo Bongo. I shall make note of this development."

"...Go back to complaining."

"I will, thank you."

As this poignant conversation occurred, Link's group was engaged in combat with a rambunctious Bari. "I know your boss!" Link cried, slowly backing away from the electrically charged jellyfish. He ripped off an iron boot and threw it at the creature with a mighty scream.

The boot flew a grand total of two feet, clunking noisily. Link bowed his head in shame.

"Fyrus help!" He grabbed at the Bari but it immediately zapped him. "OW! Fyrus help! OW! Fyrus help! OW! Fyrus help! OW!"

Twinmold retrieved Link's bow and shot an arrow through the Bari, killing it. "Did you see what I just did?" he asked as Link took the weapon back. "I used a sharp thing to kill the baddie. Maybe you should do that too! Imagine the thought for a second."

"You're a riot." Link pulled open the next door, slipping inside. Something grabbed him the second he cleared the frame. "OH MY GOD NO! AHHHH!"

Inside, a gigantic Deku Toad had Link coiled in its tongue, lazily attempting to pull him down its throat. The not-hero had a firm grip on its lips however and was using all of his strength to keep from becoming dinner. "HELP! HELP! ONE OF YOU HELP!"

"Fyrus help!"

Fyrus shoved his hand in the Deku Toad's mouth, moving past Link and further down. He yanked out a large, colourful organ. "Fyrus get kidney!"

"THAT DOES NOT HELP!"

"Hey, Link, hey..."

"WHAT IS IT MAJORA?"

"Heeheehee... He's trying to deep throat you."

"...WE DIE TOGETHER." He let go, allowing himself to be swallowed along with his mask shaped nemesis. The toad swayed, shaking as it seemed to choke on the duo.

As this happened, Twinmold floated around to its rear and began kicking the toad's tail. After three kicks, it groaned and dropped dead, ejecting Link and Majora in a stream of saliva.

Twinmold blinked all three eyes separately. "Um, what?"

"Puny blue twinklie do good!" Fyrus held up his hand for a hi-five.

Twinmold took note of the kidney in his hand. "Ah. That answers that question."

A chest also slid out of the corpse. Link stood up, slipping in the goo and falling on his teeth immediately. He then crawled to the chest and tossed it open. "What the hell is this?"

He pulled out a clawshot. "Looks like a handle with a claw," Midna said. "By the way, good job with that frog. A valiant effort."

The clawshot went off, sinking into a nearby wall. The chain caught and retracted, yanking itself out of Link's hands and flying through the air. Twinmold was hit midway through the trip.

"Sorry..."

Is it just me or were a lot of people getting stuck this chapter?