As my birthday present to you all, I hope you enjoy the next boss battle of the series: the fight against the leviathan Morpheel! I know there were people looking forward to this one, so hopefully I did not disappoint.

I feel like there was something else I wanted to say in this note... Eh, if I remember I'll edit it in later.

Published February 2, 2012

Fish Fillet

-Hyrule Castle-

Zant appeared within the brilliant throne room in a swirl of dark energy, bowing lightly to his master. "You called?"

"Yes. I want you to make sure the heroes don't get any further. Intercept and deal with them."

"It shall be done."

"Also..." At his tone and smile, Zant's shoulders drooped. "You didn't come to the birthday party last night."

"I don't like parties. They're too noisy."

"Excuses, excuses."

"Besides, should we kings be so associated with the lower classes?"

"A healthy social structure and the occasional birthday present makes them surprisingly willing to die for you. Hell, Jennifer cried and tried to hug me when I gave him a Jack-in-the-Box. C'mon, have some fun Zant! You're the King of Twilight, make with the parties and ladies!"

"No offense meant my lord, but I'll pass."

-Lakebed Temple-

"AH!" Link let go of the clawshot as it sprung from his hands, retracting to a vine on the wall.

"You need to hold on," Midna sighed, shoving her hand through his eye again. "And now it's stuck up there. Majora, could you grab it for us?"

"No."

The Twili jabbed her hands into Link's bag, hitting the mask a few times with the uncomfortable sensation. "Come on, I've seen you go all tentacle monster on us before. It's way over there and I don't trust Fyrus to bring it back in one piece."

"And I don't care to grab it. It's more fun to watch you squirm."

"I got it." Twinmold dropped the clawshot in the not-hero's hand.

"Technically, that one was thanks to me," the mask grumbled, sinking deeper into Link's supplies. "Now I'm going to sleep. Don't bug me unless someone's already dead."

After this pertinent conversation, Link latched onto a far wall of vines and actually held on, screaming indignantly as it pulled him over. When it got there, it released. He fell to the watery depths below.

"And when you get there, grab something," Midna groaned, facepalming.

On take six, he finally held onto the wall and climbed to the top, finding a locked door in the stone wall. Fortunately, he had a key. Link inserted the key in the lock, pausing as he noticed something odd. "Is it supposed to be bulging like that?"

"Yes," Midna said.

"I don't think it's a good thing."

"You've held us up in this room long enough. Just turn the key and get me that last Fused Shadow."

Link reluctantly opened the lock. The door flew open, blasting him with a flood of water. "GLUB GLUB TERRIBLE IDEA GLUB HATE YOU!"

After dealing with this, he waded through the current. Midna hovered in the doorway, watching him go around a corner. "Well?"

"IT'S A DEAD END."

As he emerged, wet and angry, Diababa's head popped up from the ground. "LINK! We found something." She thrust a compass into his hands, eye-smiling brightly.

"...What is this?"

"It's a compass!"

Bongo Bongo appeared behind him, terrifying the poor boy. "The old Link used to use them to find the strangest things hidden throughout the temples. I was hoping you would have the same talent."

Link just stared at the circular object in his hands. "But it only points north. That's what compasses do."

"Don't question the logic. Just find us a boss key with it."

"But-"

"I'll pop your head like a grape if you don't."

"FYRUS LIKE GRAPES!"

Link started walking north, following the needle of the compass. When he came to a wall, he took a door on the east side of the room and continued his northbound path. Bongo Bongo hovered right behind him constantly, his yellow eye unblinking as it never stopped watching. By the third room, Link was covered in sweat and shaking like he was on a mountaintop.

"Could you not watch me like that? You're behind me and I know it's terrifying."

Bongo Bongo did not stop. "Fear is a healthy motivator."

"It feels like it's taking years off my life, that's not healthy at all..."

"I'll be taking years off your life if you don't keep moving."

Link speedily continued walking.

Midna emerged from Diababa's shadow, prodding the plant with her insubstantial fingers. "Is it just me, or are all the veterans really deranged and violent?"

Diababa looked behind them. The Twinmold fairies were punching, kicking and pulling hair, screaming at each other.

"SHATNER!" Red kicked his brother's jaw.

"PINE!" Blue retaliated with a sharp left hook.

The plant eye-smiled at Midna. "I think it's charming."

Midna slowly nodded, gradually drifting away from her. "All right I'm going to go talk with... um... crap. We need more normal people."

They eventually arrived in the central chamber, Link's new compass having accomplished nothing. Their greeter was expected. "Incompetent fools! Have you come to free to great BARINADE from this mortal confine yet?"

"For someone in need of rescuing, you aren't doing yourself any favours with the 'fools' comments," Midna dryly stated.

Barinade laughed from his prison. "Regardless of my current attitude, you must enter this room in order to progress! I am to be free no matter my choice of words. You have no hope without the liberation of BARINADE!"

"FYRUS am BARINADE!" Fyrus cheered, pumping his fists into the air. He punched the roof, almost caving it in.

"WHAT? NO! I AM BARINADE YOU FOOL!"

"Oh right, Fyrus is Fyrus." He scratched his head innocently. "Silly Fyrus."

For a second, and just one second, Fyrus managed to make Barinade speechless. "MOVING ON, answer the initial question! How goes your quest to liberate me?"

"We have a compass," Link said, shaking the contraption. "I need to find your key or I'll die, but this piece of shit doesn't do anything but point north! How am I supposed to use it for anything?"

"Are you triangulating?" Barinade asked.

"I- no. You can't just give me a compass and say 'triangulate!' I need measurements!"

"What direction is it facing?"

"NORTH."

As they carried on with this discussion, the other members of the pack got bored and went off into their own antics. Diababa proceeded to talk to the moss on the wall, prompting Bongo Bongo to ask, "So, can you talk with plants or something like that?"

"That's silly Bongo Bongo, plants don't have mouths. They can't talk."

He couldn't believe he was having this conversation. "So... why are you talking to them?"

"Just because they can't talk doesn't mean they aren't lonely. I'm being nice to them to show my appreciation."

Bongo Bongo blankly stared at her.

"You should talk to them too. It's nice to have an ear always there for you."

The shadowy monstrosity disappeared. "I'm going to stay invisible for a while. Don't look for me."

Eventually, Link hesitantly approached his remaining companions. "Barinade-"

"I AM BARINADE!"

"...told me to go to the far east room and down to the bottom level. He said the key would be there."

"Let me guess: triangulation," red dryly stated.

"Let's not use that word anymore..."

They travelled to the east, traversing water and advanced mechanical gadgetry until reaching a system of underwater tunnels. Upon diving in, Link was swarmed by a horde of irate minnows. Their thousands of tiny mouths nipped at him constantly. "AH! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THESE FISH BEFORE!" The minnows did not relent, squirming into his waterproof suit to feast on his flesh.

After that embarrassing incident, he found the boss key in an underwater treasure chest hidden at the back of the cave. "Who put this down- You know what? I don't care anymore."

-Meanwhile-

"The hero has a point," Farore said, incredulously turning to the Goddess of Wisdom. "Why are all these necessary items placed in either such weird corners or a pocket dimension so they can appear when all the enemies of the room are killed?"

"It is to test the hero's wit and endurance," Nayru responded wistfully.

"Din said it would be funny, didn't she?"

"She did. And she was right."

-Back under the lake-

Barinade was already laughing like a maniac before Link even put the key in the door, celebrating his liberty. "At last, freedom is guaranteed!"

When the door slid open, Bongo Bongo made sure to wedge it with one of the many moss covered pillars lining the room. He ignored Diababa's outrage, gesturing at the hole in the middle of the floor. "Down there should be what both of us are looking for. You go first." The phantom just pushed Link in, watching the boy sink like he was wearing iron shoes. He was.

After going down one by one, the whole group was sinking through the largest room any of them had ever seen. It was big enough to fit both gargantuan Twinmolds, if only barely.

Everyone hit the bottom, their foe quickly making himself known. The sandy middle of the floor sunk away, a flurry of strange, watery tentacles bursting from below. In between all of them was a giant, circular mouth with more teeth than a great white shark. An eye floated up inside one of the tentacles, laughing like a madman as it emerged.

Morpheel
Twilit Aquatic
Likes: Water
Dislikes: Burnt toast
Greatest Accomplishment: Briefly God of the Seas

"I am Morpheel!" the eye announced. "Lord Zant has given me the task of killing you all! Prepare to die!"

"I AM BARINADE! Hello, Morpha. We have been searching for you for decades, my friend!"

The tentacles froze in place. The eye shot its pupil in their direction, shaking intensely. "What are- WHAT? NO! I am Morpheel, Leviathan of the Seas!"

Bongo Bongo rolled his eye. "Call yourself whatever you want, but you'll always be our cute, ineffectual little pet."

"INEFFECTUAL?" Morpheel swung a tentacle, his enraged cry dying when Bongo Bongo simply backed out of range. "That was good, I'll give you that, Uglo."

"Uh, not to intrude," Link hesitantly began, stepping forward, "but you guys know each other, right?"

"He was the team pet back in the day," Barinade said, reminiscing the old days. "I threw him a good amount of times..."

"Right. So, does that mean he could just give us the Fused Shadow so we don't have to fight?"

Morpheel broke into laughter at this, bouncing giddily in his safe area. "You're right to be afraid! But no, I'm going to kill you all anyway!"

"WHAT? WHY?"

The eye started shaking again, this time in unadulterated rage. "Long ago, I was considered a weak amusement by these bastards! I was thrown, stepped on, kicked, put down, laughed at, and whenever things started to go my way they made sure to ruin my hopes beyond all repair! But now, I'll crush every last one of them! I'll show them just how mighty I've become!"

"GLUB GLUB!" Fyrus cheerfully proclaimed.

"That's pretty mean," Diababa said to the ball. "You should learn to discuss your problems in a calm, civilized-" A loud slam from above signalled the destruction of the pillar keeping their door open. "The moss! NOOOO! Give 'em hell, Morpheel!"

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?" Link screamed, already pulling out his sword and shield.

The ground shook again, more of Morpheel's body emerging from the sand. A worm-equse form grew, getting longer and longer until the above Twinmold comparison began to appear to be a legitimate system of measurement. The eye sunk into a single socket near the worm's head, Morpheel's new eyelids letting him genuinely glare at them. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to kick some ass! Depending on his fast you move, this can be quick and painful or slow and extremely painful."

Link screamed, curling up under his shield and hoping that the sand would let him hide under it.

As the main protagonist cowered, Fyrus cheered and jumped up, swimming to meet Morpheel head on. "GLUB GLUB BLUG GLUB!"

"What?"

"GLUUUB!" Fyrus spun around, slowly kicking Morpheel in the mouth. It may have lacked force thanks to the water, but it still hurt like hell. Morpheel whipped his tail forward, brutally smashing Fyrus against the chamber wall.

Bongo Bongo grabbed Link, throwing him into the fray before quickly following. "Get up there! This is your fight, so get it done."

"How is this MY fight? YOU antagonized him!"

"I said fight, not conflict."

With Fyrus temporarily dispatched Morpheel swam at them, his round mouth shaped in a sadistic grin. Link tried to get away again but Bongo Bongo shoved him back. "Get a grip! He's not nearly as deadly as he looks."

Morpheel whirled past them, circling the duo. "Hey Bongo, guess what? I'm a fish."

"Well Link, you're on your own."

"WHAT?"

"I'm allergic to fish. I don't want to touch him now."

"YOU BASTARD!"

One of Morpheel's tentacles wrapped around Link, hurling him forcefully through the water. "Isn't he?"

As the snake came at him again Link quickly equipped the iron boots, dropping below him and removing them to swim away. "Clever bastard. But all you're doing is delaying my-"

"I AM BARINADE!"

Morpheel easily took Barinade's Megaton Hammer with his nearly impenetrable skin, slapping the anemone around for a bit. With one last headbutt he was sent spiralling to the bottom of the arena.

"Baarinaaade..."

Morpheel turned his attention back to Link, searching for the kid. "I know exactly where you are, whoever you are. I've filter fed on this water for six months and any disturbance or change is completely noticeable!"

"Bullshit!"

"Maybe, but you just told me where you are." He swung his tail downwards, smacking Link. This had the side effect of waking up Majora.

Before Morpheel could continue beating him around, Diababa, Fyrus, Barinade and Twinmold launched a coordinated assault on the sea monster. Fyrus latched onto his head, yanking all the tentacles together and holding them tightly. Diababa coiled her vines around his midsection and dripped acid all over his skin. The fairies started punching his eye.

Then Barinade came in shooting electricity, the charges easily frying everyone except the anemone himself. He just laughed.

Morpheel used this opportunity to slam his body against the wall, crushing them again. "Face it, you idiots can't do anything against me! I don't just splash you now, I smash you to bits!"

Then Link's clawshot dug into his eye. "OW OW OW!" Link was yanked down to him, grabbing on Morpheel's eye lid. "Do none of you ever learn?"

Link held up his sword.

"...No, no, NO, NO..."

Link slashed him across the eye.

"OW."

The not-hero slashed him again.

"OW!"

He got in one more slash before being thrown off. The irate leviathan grabbed Link with a tendril, rapidly descending to the ground and throwing him just before impact. Link crashed hard, half submerging in the sand at last. Morpheel jabbed at him, roughly pushing him further down until he was basically buried alive. "Now stay down there. I need to have some old friends for dinner."

Barinade dropped from above, landing on top of Link's shallow grave. "I, BARINADE, have not had this much fun in years! I commend you for your valiant effort, Morpheel. But I'm afraid the battle has yet to reach its climax! Now we shall fight!" He threw his hammer, hitting his friend square in the injured optical. Morpheel recoiled, his eye twitching violently.

"You die first."

Morpheel opened his mouth wide, sucking in the water holding Link and Barinade. The latter quickly lost his footing, desperately struggling to stay grounded on the moving mud. Link, on the other hand, began to lose a significant amount of items from his pack. First all his arrows came out, flying down Morpheel's throat. Then the bombs followed, harmlessly detonating inside him.

Following those, Majora got sucked up. Morpheel didn't seem to notice that he just ingested an artefact of pure evil, continuing to torture Barinade with his jet stream. After a moment he stopped, blinking at a strange sensation. "Did you have some rotten bread or something? Bleh, something tastes like shit!"

He twitched, his eye popping out of its socket and drifting away.

"Wait, what? NO!"

Majora pulled itself into the empty hole. "Hi Morpha. This is pretty cosy. You had a nice thing going until I came along."

"When the hell did you get here? Wait, NO!" Morpheel swam back at his body, feebly ramming the mask as the rest of the beast began to dissolve. "NO! NOT AGAIN! I DON'T WANT TO BE A BALL! GET OUT OF THERE! AHHHHHH!"

His body faded away, dead without him to use it, the Fused Shadow floating to the floor.

"...FUCK."

Before he could enact revenge on the mask, Barinade plucked Morpheel from his place. "He looks even cuter than ever!"

"I am not cute! Just because I've been reduced to this lesser state doesn't mean I can't kill you all at any time! Don't tempt me..."

"You're so vengeful, Morpha. I missed your innate, rampant screams of hate."

"I AM MORPHEEL! Get it? It's like Morpha, but-"

"Yes, you stuck 'eel' in there because you looked like an eel. Very witty," Majora interrupted as it drifted back into Link's pack.

As Barinade played with his new toy, Link swam over to Bongo Bongo. "So, did you guys come just to find him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"There was nothing else to do. Boredom does funny things."

"He's so cuuuute! I want him!" Diababa tackled Barinade, wresting Morpheel from his tentacle and delivering a sloppy, acidic kiss to his pupil.

"AHH! YOU BITCH! I am not cute, cuddly, adorable, or any other variation of the word! That includes scrumptious, so never put me in there again!"

Ignoring his enraged cries, she hugged him and said, "We're going to get along so well! I'll make you feel right at home, a real part of the team!"

"Ha, I'd be far more of a credit to this team than all of you combined! In fact, because I know from experience that I'm not going to get a day of peace from this point on if I try anything else, I shall come with your gang, kick every ass, and then kill you all!"

Red floated to Barinade, thankful that he could conveniently breathe underwater. All fairies could do it. "This is exactly what happened last time, isn't it?"

"Indeed! Except I was hit a bit more this time. BARINADE IS OUT OF SHAPE."

"Or you just suck."

"BARINADE does not suck!"

"I'm opening a portal out of here," Midna sighed, a circle of light appearing beneath her. Everyone crowded together in the teleporter, letting it warp them back to the outside world.

-Lanayru's Shrine-

Upon arrival, the group was greeted by a polite nod from Zant. "Hello."