Guess what? I got a new computer, yaaaaay! It's much better than my last (aside from battery power), so once I get everything customized I'm sure I'll be having a merry time. My desktop is up to half of what it used to be, and it will be at its full splendor by the end of the week.

On a somewhat related note, I have a side project related to Group of Weirdos. It's over half done, so there's a few chapters, and it won't be long altogether. Who thinks I should put it out now, and who thinks I should wait until the whole thing is written like originally planned?

Also, I'm putting up a poll on my profile page to figure out who the favourite GoW character is, an idle curiosity. Yes, this is the "First Group of Weirdos Popularity Poll". Vote now, and let me know! Up to three choices per person because I don't expect many votes. I'm just full of announcements today.

Enjoy!

Published February 23, 2012

Give the Dog a Bone

Right off the bat, red Twinmold shot up and roundhouse kicked Zant across the head. The king flinched, blasting him away.

"Nice hit," Midna cackled. "How'd you like being smacked by a fairy, Zant?"

"Wait, that's Zant?" red groaned, twitching on the ground.

Before another bumbling argument could erupt, Zant held up his hand. A shockwave fired out from his palm, blasting everyone back through the air. At that moment Lanayru made his entrance by erupting from the water, roaring viciously at Zant. He was shot back in one strike, fading pathetically into a ball of light.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" Morpheel screamed, eye jerking erratically between the two sides. "It's been six seconds since we got here! Why is Zant here? What the hell was that big thing? What are these stupid squares coming out of the ground? WHY ARE THEY TWO DIMENSIONAL?"

The province turned back to twilight. Strangely, none of them were reduced to spirits this time, most likely for conversational convenience.

"The guardian of the third Fused Shadow betrays me," Zant apathetically stated.

"The track record for villainous loyalty is pretty bad," Morpheel piped.

"Fyrus save big light monster!" Fyrus jumped at Lanayru's light, falling through it and sinking into the deep spring. "GLUB GLUB! GLUUUUB..."

Everyone stared at the ripples, unsure of how to move on from that burst of awkwardness. Zant took the initiative. "...Midna. You've defied me yet again, and what a pathetic attempt it is. The Fused Shadows, do you really think such a withered power has the ability to stop me?" The three items they spent so long attaining slipped away, floating around Zant's head momentarily before they disappeared.

"Clearly, yes."

Zant tilted his head mockingly. "Why do you continue to defy your king?"

Midna let out a dry laugh. "My king? You have to be joking! All you do is abuse that old magic and claim that it makes you some sort of monarch."

"Now that's a joke. My power was granted to me by my god! It is the magic of a King of Twilight, and you will respect it!"

In the corner, Barinade and Diababa struggled to move the unconscious Bongo Bongo off of them. "This guy, urgh, has some, hrk, mass," Diababa groaned. "Tell him to lose some weight!"

"That will make him quite angry."

"My stem is breaking, I don't really care about his feelings right now!"

"Trust BARINADE, he will break it further."

Zant pinned Midna in place using more magic, turning his helm to Link. The wolf was basically unconscious, unable to fight back when the King of Twilight approached him. Zant withdrew a black crystal, floating it down and using more magic to insert it in the not-hero's forehead.

"A being of darkness working with the creatures of light that once oppressed her. How poetic."

Before Zant could deal with the traitor, one of Bongo Bongo's hands hurled through the air and crashed into the evil king, punching him across the spring. "A magnificent throw!" Barinade cheered, hi-fiving Diababa.

Zant retaliated with a black ball of energy, hitting their joined limbs. "Hey! We were complimenting each other!" Diababa horked up a stream of acidic juices, spraying them at Zant. He hissed as it burned at him, staggering back further.

In retaliation Zant held out his hand, a shockwave throwing Diababa down into the spring. "So sad, these creatures of light. Come now Midna, return to the sweet darkness you covet so much."

"Eat a dick."

Zant frowned under his helmet. "So that is your choice. Then allow me to return you to the light world you love!"

The twilight squares began to disappear and Lanayru burst out of the spring, returning the province to normal. Unfortunately for Midna, she did not turn into a shadow. Instead, she got a nice dose of very painful light poisoning.

Zant was clearly not done, but he was forced to move when Barinade shot at him with a charge of lightning. "Foolish fool! You stand no chance against the beautifully magnificent, unfathomably awesome, spectacularly sexy BARINADE!" The anemone hurled the Megaton Hammer at Zant. It spiralled through the air, meeting with the king's head just as he vanished. The hammer teleported with him. "What? Wait, NO! NO!"

-Hyrule Castle-

The moment Zant appeared in the throne room he was smashed off his feet, the hammer bouncing harmlessly on the ground.

"What the hell? You aren't where I expected this level of randomness to come from."

Zant's master helped him to his feet. The King of Twilight managed to stay standing for about three seconds before he crashed to the ground again, mumbling deliriously.

"Shit. Where did this damn hammer... wait... THIS FUCKING HAMMER...!"

-Lanayru's Spring-

"CURSE YOU, ZANT! I WILL RECLAIM THE SACRED HAMMER! BARINADE SHALL NOT BE STOPPED!"

Thanks to the combined efforts of Zant's magic and Lanayru's light, Midna was basically a pale, dying husk of a being.

"Shit, I am so sorry! I would not have popped back up if I knew that would happen!" Lanayru ducked in the spring, making sure no more of his light hit Midna. "Clearly, this is a problem for everyone."

Link came back to consciousness, quickly realizing that he was a wolf again. "AH! NOT AGAIN!"

"Especially those two."

All the companions stared at Link. "Crap, none of you understand me, do you?"

"You're speaking perfect English," Bongo Bongo said. "Why wouldn't we?"

"Huh? But Midna and Zelda said..."

The dying Twili snickered.

"You bitch!"

"Enough goofing around," the light spirit snapped, glaring at all of them. "You have to get to Hyrule Castle. The Princess has a way to deal with both of these problems, so I don't think I need to stress the importance getting to her. I'm a bit weak right now but I can teleport a few of you part of the way."

"We'll be taking our leave," Bongo Bongo interrupted. "I didn't think this Zant was anything big, but getting a few of my old... 'allies' to back us up won't hurt."

"BARINADE must find the hammer!" Barinade shot out of the shrine.

"And he'll be him."

"Fyrus want teleport!" The fire giant started bouncing enthusiastically, shaking the chamber.

Lanayru flinched as cracks spread across the walls of his home. "Aaaand teleporting now."

-Outside Castle Town-

Link, Midna, Diababa, Fyrus, Morpheel and Majora appeared on the outskirts of the city, hidden by the darkness of the night and the blanket of rain. "Stay out here and please don't leave any more impressions on the locals," Link begged to the giants.

"No promises," Diababa cheerfully stated.

"...At least you acknowledged that I said it." Link trudged into the town. He searched for a manhole, knowing that the sewers were the best way to enter the castle. Fortunately, with the night and heavy rain, no one was out and about to report the wolf with a pigmy on its back wandering the roads.

Outside, the trio of bosses sat under a small tree. Fyrus was of course holding it above their heads in a vain attempt to block the rain.

"What's the point of being afraid of rain?" Morpheel scoffed. "The feeling of water on your skin is the greatest thing in the world! And if I were able to control it again, well, let's just say we'd all be in the castle right now."

"Fyrus get cold when Fyrus wet..."

"Can't you use the word 'I'? Come on, say it! 'I'."

"Pie?"

Morpheel's body began to shake. "NO! THAT IS NOT REPRESENTATION OF SELF, THAT IS A BAKED DESSERT! I'm not talking to you anymore. Plant woman, are you sane?"

"Yup!" Diababa responded with an eye-smile. "I'm the sanest sane of all the sane-sanes- Wait... FYRUS, WHY DID YOU TEAR THAT POOR TREE OUT OF THE GROUND?"

"He did that five minutes ago..."

"Fyrus sorry. Fyrus no like rain but Fyrus couldn't fit under tree when in ground."

"But the trees! Fyrus, you need to reconnect its roots! Poor, poor tree. Diababa will make it better, yes she will..."

Morpheel rolled away. "I'm going to hang out with that cricket way over there. He looked like a swell guy. Bunch of nuts. The next boss better be half as awesome as me..."

-Arbiter's Grounds-

A giant skeleton lay dead in the sand. Being dead, it did nothing to convey its personality, effectively making this potential preview a complete waste of space. Here is a scene to make up for this.

-Elsewhere-

Odolwa wiped the sweat from his brow, the last of the monkeys lying dead at his feet. "And that's the end of that chapter of our lives. Sing us out, fishy."

Gyorg tore his foot off.

"HEY! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

-Back in town-

Link barely stopped himself from screaming when he was attacked by a floating ghost, a ghost who happened to be heavily armed mind you, holding a gigantic scythe on one hand. The Poe tried to cut him in two but the wolf dodged, greatly leaning toward 'flight' in this fight or flight situation.

"Pansy," Majora accusingly snickered. "It's a Poe. Just nip on its face a few times and it'll die. Go on, get 'em!"

What Majora failed to mention was how the Poe had much faster reflexes than Link, bashing him over the head when he lunged at it.

"Heeheehee."

Eventually, he tackled it through a nearby window where the Poe met its very toothy end. Link was about to start rapidly apologizing to whoever owned the place, but was immediately transfixed by the piles of gold lining the room and making up its floor. His pupils changed to money signs as he stared, oblivious to his host.

"Um, hello?"

The not-hero jumped in fright. "Hi! Hello, I'm, uh, I'm Link." He looked around, unable to pinpoint the source of the dialogue.

Then a statue of a golden man spoke. "Hello, I'm Jovani. My current form may come as quite a shock, no? You see, long ago, I was cursed by..."

"Less talk," Midna groaned. "Life in danger. Need help. Move forward."

"...and when Mephistopheles tells you not to touch his junk, you do not touch his junk."

"Sorry to interrupt," Link started, "but we really should get going."

Jovani paused. "Understandable. But before you do, could I ask a favour? If it's convenient, could you kill twenty of the ghosts that hold my soul? It might free me and my pet cat Gengle. He's this little thing on my head, isn't he cute?"

"Say yes," Midna moaned. "Need move. Air burning skin. Hate light even when dark."

"Can do."

"Wonderful!"

Link left the house, crawling into a nearby manhole and falling to the sludge below.

-One journey later -

On top of Hyrule Castle, Link was attacked by a giant bird again. He did what any other sane man would do and ran away, leaping through a window to Zelda's tower.

Link landed on top of the shadow beast outside her chamber. "Ow, that wasn't a good feeling," the beast groaned. "Oh, a doggie. Wait, what did my drill sergeant always say to me?"

"You idiot, you just stabbed a commanding officer! Take that out of my gut and give me ten!"

"I miss him..." By the time the shadow beast started paying attention, Link was already inside and blocking the door with furniture.

Zelda smacked him with a newspaper. "Hello, princess here! Who said you could move my stuff? Not me? That's what I thought. Wait, why are you a wolf? We're not in twilight anymore... And why does Midna-?"

"Long story short: Zant attacked-"

"DO NOT INTERRUPT PRINCESS MOTHERFUCKING ZELDA! I CAN DO HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THINGS TO YOUR GENITALS THAT YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM!"

Link went silent.

"Much better. Now, what happened?"

"Uh... Zant attacked us, and... um... I was unconscious for the whole thing, but-"

Majora took over. "Zant kicked their asses, made pretty boy a wolf, then exposed the tiny chick to Lanayru's light. Now everyone's panicking over what to do."

"Doesn't matter why," Midna gasped. "Help now. Fix problem before dead."

"Who the fuck just said the whole story?"

Link revealed the mask stuck hanging on his side. "Hello, I'm Majora. Charmed to meet you."

"...Hi. All right, I'm going to fix all this before it gets even stranger. Link looks like he'll be easier, so I'll deal with him first." The princess held out her hand, the Triforce symbol flashing on her skin. After a few seconds of nothing, she let it fall. "Never mind, you're screwed."

"WHAT?"

"DON'T YELL AT A PRINCESS, SHITHEAD!" Zelda crossed her arms irately, shrugging at him. "A strange magic is holding you in that form. It's beyond my power, so best get used to pissing on trees and eating out of a bowl."

"But... but... thumbs, and..."

Before he could start a tangent, Zelda abruptly snapped her fingers. "Wait, the brilliance of Princess Zelda appears to have come through yet again. What you need is the Master Sword. Go to the Sacred Grove in the Faron Woods and it should be able to return you to your normal form. Evil can't touch it, and evil is keeping you like that, so it'll kill the evil! Ah, it's a good thing I exist."

"Such immodesty, truly you are one worthy of the throne of Hyrule," Majora cackled.

"To me, that's a compliment. Now, about you Midna. I must first inspect the damage done." In clear contrast to her magical inspection of Link, Zelda poked and prodded Midna's fragile form all over, ignoring her outraged cries.

"You know what the problem is!" Midna shouted, trying to shoo her hands away.

Zelda backed off after her curiosity was satisfied. "I'd say you have five minutes to live at this rate."

"Great..."

"But, being me, I have the perfect solution. I-"

"So there's a solution for her-?"

"IF YOU DON'T WANT A SPEAR WITH A HEAD THE SIZE OF YOUR HOUSE RAMMED UP YOUR BLEEDING ASSHOLE, YOU'LL STOP INTERRUPTING ME!" Link backed into a corner. "Now don't worry about what I'm going to do, it's perfectly safe for both parties. It may not seem like it at first, but we'll both be fine."

"Confidence... falling."

Zelda placed her hand on Midna's shoulder, her whole body letting out a radiant glow. The light transferred to Midna, slowly restoring the colour, well, shade, to her skin. "Remember, safe!" Then Zelda disappeared, the light fading away. By the time it was gone, Midna looked perfectly fine.

-In the Sacred Realm-

Farore let an eyebrow raise. "Hey Nayru, yours just disintegrated herself."

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, I don't think she had any idea what she was doing. Used her own life force to make some Twili able to exist in light. Now she's gone."

"DO NOT WANT! UNDO, UNDO!"

"The goddess of wisdom, reduced to such a state," Din sighed, shaking her head. "This is something I'll bring up every day for the rest of time."

Nayru threw her fists into the air, screaming, "MUST FIX!"

-Back with the group of misfits-

Link, Midna and Majora warped from one of the twilight wormholes, popping down in front of the others. The sun was just poking over the horizon, the rain clouds almost completely dispersed. The not-hero trudged to his companions, head down.

"Looks like you're still furry," Morpheel said. "Anyone want to explain what that's about in the first place?"

"We have to go to the Faron Woods," Midna said, ignoring him. "If we're going to get Link out of his cuddly form, we need to get him something called the Master Sword. Anyone heard of it?"

"Aw shit, that thing again," Morpheel groaned, bashing his eye off a tree. "First an idiot, now a coward. So who gets the ultimate weapon next? Do we want to stuff a gorilla in a tutu and hand it the blade of evil's bane? Or maybe a banana tree! Wait, what am I saying? That's perfect! Our next hero will be Link, Hero of the Bahamas! This must be the next plot, the Leviathan has spoken!"

No one had time to comment on Morpheel's fantasies. A giant tetrahedron sprung up around Hyrule Castle, the transparent barrier blocking all access. "They must have caught on," Midna muttered. "It's a good thing we don't exactly need to go back in there anytime soon."

-Two days ago-

A woodpecker flew in through the royal bedroom's window, landing on the inhabitant's wooden dresser. It stared at the sleeping man for a moment, clearly thinking over its current choices. Most birds were prone to fleeing in the presence of human beings, or occasionally other humanoid individuals, so this would clearly be the most preferable choice. It kept them alive after all. But this bird was different. It was on a wooden dresser, and it wanted to peck wood. To add to the temptation, the dresser was made of mahogany. Mahogany. So peck wood it did.

A ball of dark magic barely missed the bird, shattering the bedroom mirror into a thousand shards. The woodpecker fled, barely avoiding a better aimed second shot.

-One day ago-

Because the window was closed this time, the woodpecker was forced to peck right through the glass to reach its mahogany prize. This was much more annoying to the sleeping king. He fired two blasts of magic, both missing in his half-awoken haze, but the woodpecker was wise to his scheme. It fled yet again.

-This morning, two minutes ago-

Zant's master should have known that filling the opening with bricks would do nothing to stop the dedicated woodpecker. This was mahogany after all. The woodpecker brought along a friend, a gargantuan owl known by the other birds as Big Brother, to tear away the pesky stone and mortar.

"Birds have changed since the old days," Big Brother sighed, shaking his head. "I was a figure of power. People took my advice seriously, okay most people took what I had to say seriously. Then that idiot came along and shot me-"

The woodpecker cawed.

"Fine, fine."

The owl ripped the wall open with one swipe, exposing the bedroom to the harsh morning light. The man screamed, jerking upright with lightning flowing from his fingertips.

"Oh, him. I should go." Big Brother dropped out of sight.

"These fucking birds! That's it, no more ANYTHING gets in here!" He summoned up the giant shield around Hyrule Castle. "THERE. IT'S ALL LOCKED OUT. FUCKING DONE."

The woodpecker pecked at his dresser.