Another week, another chapter. I've found that I can completely ignore looking up the source material and get things done in record time when there's no real dialogue to worry about. It also helped that this is basically the last day of little to no workload, so I'm getting this out there quickly.

Don't forget to vote in the popularity contest if you haven't, please, everything except first place is a three to five way tie. Thanks to the 20 people who have voted so far!

Also, prior foreshadowing payoff imminent.

Published February 28, 2012

Give the Dog a Sword

Everyone was teleported to the Faron Woods. They had no idea where to go, especially considering there was an entire province to scour, but being in the general area was assumed to be a good start.

"I shall feel the trees, and they'll determine where we will go," Diababa exclaimed, sliding over to a nearby tree and pressing her face against it.

"That's fucking stupid," Morpheel snapped. "Watch and learn, whelps! I'll show you how one who's great really gets things done!" He rolled over to a taller tree, pressing against it. "Now, once I... urgh... roll up it... herk... I'll get a great... come on... bird's eye view of this place... GO UP!"

"Fyrus make puny ear go up!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TOSS ME!" Morpheel screamed, stopping Fyrus in his tracks. "I AM NOT A TOY, I AM A LESSER GOD, AND YOU WILL OBEY ME!"

"Oh, okay. Fyrus sorry."

Morpheel stared. "Wait, what?"

"Fyrus sorry."

"You... actually stopped?"

"Fyrus did cease activities, yes."

For a moment, Morpheel was speechless. "Well, um, that's very... ahem. Good, you know your place, Fyrus. Unlike some people, you have common sense."

"Fyrus, this is the voice of the goddesses again," Majora piped in. "Throw Morpheel up really high, will you?"

The giant nodded dopily, reaching for Morpheel again. "Fyrus listen to goddesses."

"Wait, what? NO YOU FOOL, RELEASE ME AT ONCE! YOU WILL SUFFER A THOUSAND-" Morpheel was cut off when Fyrus hurled him up into the air, his screams of rage fading within a second. The eyeball was untraceable a few moments later.

"Fyrus do good?"

"Fyrus do good."

Diababa sprung off the tree, bouncing around excitedly. "And now I know where to go. Let's go, guys!" She led them in a seemingly random direction, giving no time to protest.

"Shouldn't we wait for Morpheel to come back down?" Link asked, hesitantly following.

Majora cackled ominously. "He ain't coming back any time soon."

"If we keep talking, we'll never find the sword," Midna interjected. "So zip it and get moving, furry boy."

Link looked back at her, shoulders drooping. "But we don't even know if this is the right direction. We could comb this forest for years and never find it! I've lived here my whole life, I know."

"What did I just say about talking and moving?"

Diababa brought them deeper into the woods, breaking off of the path and travelling into the brush. She seemed blissfully oblivious to how her companions struggled against nature, pushing through branches and being slapped by low hanging vines.

"Ah, smell that sweet, natural scent," the plant woman sighed, inhaling deeply. "It's times like these that make being alive worth it."

Meanwhile, Link was being strangled by a very sticky vine that had wormed its way around his neck. Midna tore him free with her giant hair hand.

The group wandered for at least an hour, following Diababa as she made various turns through the thick brush. By the time Link's ire peaked, they were covered in grime and his fur was stained horribly. "Do you really know where we're going?"

"Of course I do."

"Then where?"

"This way."

Link cried out in frustration. "But where?"

"We're here!" She pushed the branches aside, revealing their destination.

The not-hero just fell over, biting his tail to stop himself from screaming. Midna vocalized his thoughts for him. "This is Lake Hylia."

"Yup!"

"We're not trying to go to Lake Hylia."

"Nope!"

"You're hopeless."

"Yup!"

Midna warped them back to the Faron Woods.

Just as they arrived, Morpheel came crashing down, surrounded by fire, and impacted right on Link's skull, driving both of them into a small crater. "Revenge," Morpheel moaned. "I will have it... someday."

"Throw him again."

"Fyrus obey goddesses!"

"NO. I am Morpheel, the most powerful being you will ever lay your petty eyes upon! Every misdemeanour you inflict upon me will be returned a thousand fold!"

"Did you actually see anything while you were up there?" Midna asked, using her hair hand to grab the eye before Fyrus could.

"No! I was spinning the whole time, it was sickening! All I saw was a blur of green, then white, then black, I think I went into a cloud by the way, then green again, and then the back of this idiot's head."

Link was too unconscious to deliver a rebuttal.

-On the other side of the map-

High above the rough sand of the Gerudo Desert, the King of Twilight brought himself to the open roofed chamber containing his most valuable asset. Held high in the air was the Mirror of Twilight, one of the only ways to enter the Realm of Twilight. "So this is where you will come now."

He continued to stare at the mirror. "Now... what was I going to do again? Oh yes, of course." He held up the Megaton Hammer, pushing all of his power into it, and brought the metal to the mirror's centre.

-Back with the heroes-

Another long stretch of aimless wandering met the group. It became clear their instructions to find a grove in the forest were terrible. They were lost again.

Link spat a leaf out of his mouth. "This is great. I'm stuck as a wolf, probably never going to be a human again, and I'm going to spend the rest of my days wandering this forest with a crazy plant lover, a big guy who can't use pronouns, a girl who sits on my back and keeps treating me like a dog, a psychotic mask that loves my suffering and is probably laughing as I say this, and I don't really know Morpheel well enough to pass judgment on him but I get the feeling he'll get annoying fast."

"I do not get annoying! It is you who will grow to annoy me, Morpheel! Don't forget your place for one second, wretch!"

"Right. This is going to be the worst last days evaaAHHHH!"

On the last word, Link found that his foot was landing upon air instead of solid ground. With a scream he fell, tumbling down the cliff and landing in a heap of fur and dirt. "I stand corrected. This-"

"You're not standing, you silly goose," Diababa laughed, her eye popping out of the ground next to him.

"...I don't even have the resolve to finish my sentence."

"I AM ROLLING, STOP ME IMMEDIATELY! SHIT!" Morpheel landed next to him. "What's that rock?"

Link was horrified to learn that they fell right next to another howling stone. "Oh no. No no no no no!"

The golden wolf popped up from behind the stone. "Yup! It's me again, ready for another round of wolf style duets! Ready, Link?"

"No."

"C'mon... Hey Morpha, what's up?"

Morpheel regarded the newcomer, not recognizing him but finding himself unable to shake this feeling of familiarity. It was a sense that sent shivers throughout his body, leaving him with the sensation that he would not be sleeping that night. "Fine... do I know you? I don't think I do, but I want you dead already and that's not a normal first impression."

"Aw, you don't remember me? We went on so many adventures together."

"Adventurers... Wait, are you..."

"Yup!"

Morpheel began to shake, his pupil shrinking to the size of a pinhead. "But...! I don't... WHAT? How are you... wait, why is this surprising me? This is slightly abnormal, but I've seen weirder. So why haven't you moved on yet?"

"That time will come eventually, but until then we can still be buds." The wolf trotted over to Morpheel, plopping down next to him and smiling. "Is it just me, or do you look different?"

"I am Morpheel, Leviathan..."

Midna jabbed Link behind the ear. "Just howl with him, it'll get rid of the idiot!"

"I have barely any dignity left, and I want to keep the one percent that remains."

She twisted his ear roughly, yanking it up to her mouth. "Dignity isn't physical. I can take the physical away, believe me..."

"OW, ALL RIGHT, I'LL HOWL!"

"...and then when I rose from the waters, bearing my gargantuan true form, they knew true fea-"

The golden wolf's attention was tugged from Morpheel to Link in less than a second. "You will? That's great! We'll have so much fun, and I know the perfect song."

"This is a terrible idea..."

The golden wolf howled the Sonata of Awakening, Link reluctantly imitating him. With a happy yip, the golden wolf disappeared. Sadly, this song had the effect of waking up a nearby Skull Kid. The Skull Kid laughed, summoned up a colossal amount of strange puppet creatures, and ran away.

"And everything in the world continues to try to kill me," Link groaned, pushing his face into the dirt.

"Now that's no attitude to take!" A giant sword sliced all the monsters in half. Odolwa leapt into the fray, striking a dynamic pose amidst the pile of broken parts. "Never fear, the Masked Jungle Warrior Odolwa is here!" He sheathed his blade. "Now... who are all of you?"

There was a quick reintroduction.

"Ah, I see. Since you're all here, who wants to help me find and save Gyorg? I mean, I know he's probably suffering and that's hilarious, but it's so much better when I'm the one administering his pain."

Without telling them what they were saving Gyorg from, Odolwa set off. Link decided to follow the swordsman, having nothing better to do with his life at this point.

They were attacked by another group of puppet monsters, easily dispatching them. "This is just like the good old days, killing random enemies with ease alongside a group of assorted monsters..."

"Those days were shit and you know it," Morpheel grunted.

Diababa plucked him off the ground. "Really? It sounds like so much fun! I'd love to have the companionship you guys have. Being able to talk so casually about hurting each other; you're true friends."

"I hate you all."

The Skull Kid was sitting in a nearby tree, legs dangling off the branch. Diababa stopped, forcing them all into a group huddle a few feet away. "We need an attack plan," she whispered.

"Fyrus rip puny tree-"

"NO. The plants just want you to respect them, they don't appreciate being torn out of the ground!"

"We should throw Morpheel at him," Majora cackled.

"I kicked your ass once, mask, I can do it again," the eye hissed, trying to glare at him. "Damn, I need eyelids again..."

The wooden chunk of evil giggled again. "Right, I completely forgot how badly it hurt when Barinade threw you at me. Oh please, great Morpheel, don't ever let me feel that pain again."

"I'm going to pretend none of that was sarcastic and that you're legitimately afraid of me."

"Guys," Link interrupted, "focus."

Midna looked up, sighing impatiently. "He ran away, so I don't think we need to be huddled like this anymore."

"It builds team spirit," Diababa said.

Odolwa hummed contently, deeply inhaling the air around them. "Someone here smells like raspberries. I like raspberries." That and an intense tongue-flicker was enough to break apart the huddle.

"I have an idea," Link said, desperate to get them back on track and away from that terror. "Since Odolwa here has a ten foot sword, he can jump up... and stab the little bastard."

Morpheel scoofed. "And if he trips over his own feet and stabs himself through the neck? I don't trust the idiot not to..." The ball paused. "Actually, go ahead. It's a win-win situation."

On Link's back, Midna rolled her eyes at them. "How about this: we ignore it, and find the sacred grove."

"Fyrus want to crush puny imp man!"

"Find the grove."

They went north for exactly twelve and a half seconds. After those twelve and a half seconds, the group was in some sort of ruins that were overgrown with plant life and just about ready to fall down on them. At the sight of this, Link became legitimately excited. He was very, very close to being human again after all. Unable to wait, he ran further in.

A few of the Skull Kid's puppets blindsided him. "OW. That was a bad idea..."

The bugger laughed, summoning up more to fight them. "You guys just don't give up, do you?"

"Doesn't Give Up is my middle name," Odolwa proclaimed. "My parents weren't very good at the whole naming thing. I don't think they even knew what my name was to be honest." He proceeded to dismember all the puppets with a spin attack.

"Fyrus demolish!" The fire giant tore up a stone column, hurling it at the imp. The Skull Kid disappeared just before it hit him, reappearing atop a nearby ruined wall.

Link ran up the wall, teeth barred, and lunged at him. The Skull Kid hopped over the wolf, swiping the mask attached to his side in the process. "Hey, what's this?" He put Majora's Mask on, shaking his head a few times. "I'm getting sudden urges to kill all life on this planet..."

"HI!" Diababa popped up behind him, smashing her bulbs into the imp's back. He went flying, Majora going back to Link, and crashed into another wall.

"Fyrus obliterate!" This time, Fyrus tore the wall the Skull Kid was stuck against out of the ground, throwing it with all of his might. As this was a substantial amount of might, the wall went far, very far, with the screaming Skull Kid still attached. Just like Morpheel, they were soon out of sight.

"A ten point throw," Diababa exclaimed, hi-fiving the giant.

"Yay!"

"Less talk, more moving," Link said, walking past them.

Midna scratched behind his ear. "That's surprising to hear from you."

"I want two legs again."

Their next trial came in the form of two statues standing next to each other as though guarding the blank wall between them. "If you wish to enter the Sacred Grove, you must pass our trials," the left statue said.

"And if you fail, we will CRUSH you like a little baby man!" the right laughed, bashing its hammer off the ground.

"No, we won't," the left snapped. "We'll let you try again until you give up and go home, isn't that right?"

"But I wanna CRUSH their bones to dust and use them to bake bread..."

"No."

"C'mon, just one CRUSHing..."

"No!"

"See the little eyeball? He looks like he'll CRUSH into a wee little pancake, then we can pour syrup on him and eat him like breakfast, yeah?"

"If you so much as approach me, I will annihilate you!" Morpheel roared.

"Aw, the wee little eyeball man thinks he's threatening."

"Wee little eyeball man? I am Morpheel, the great Leviathan, and if you don't learn to respect me then I will have to force you to!"

"Go ahead, force me."

Link cleared his throat, getting the statues' attention and nudging Morpheel away. "If there's no penalty for losing, can we start this trial?"

"Of course, chosen hero," the left statue said.

"Not a hero. Just a poor sap who's almost out of this forever."

"Whatever you say, Mr. Not-Hero."

The arena changed, morphing into a pit with a series of floating blocks positioned throughout it. Link was in the middle, a statue in front of and behind him. "Return us to our starting positions," the front statue said. "We will move as you do. Should you have any questions or wish to restart, we will happily oblige."

"And if it's a stupid question, I'll CRUSH every bone in your body and suck up the pasty mush that remains through my butthole!" the other shouted.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Don't ask that," the sane statue sighed, shaking his head. "I've been trying to figure out for fifty years."

Link jumped left, noticing that one statue went left with him and the other right. With this in mind, he began to formulate a plan.

"LEFT!" Diababa shouted. "Go left! Wait, no, right! No, left!"

"Stop trying to help!" In his moment of distraction, Link ended up in a corner with the statues facing him on both sides. "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

"Want to restart?"

"Can I kill you?"

"Yes and NO."

"Can I not kill you?"

"N- Er, yes?"

"Can I not not not kill you?"

"You can't kill me!"

"Is that a challenge?"

"I don't want to die, period!"

They reset the puzzle, starting over. Link tried to get them in the right places again, but somehow ended up with one of the stone giants standing on top of him. "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

"Want to restart?" the sane statue asked, seemingly not caring that he was crushing poor Link's bones.

The other statue rubbed his hands together, laughing maniacally. "CRUSH, CRUUUUSH, yesssss..."

"I want to tag out, actually..." He hobbled away from the puzzle, collapsing in front of his companions. "Someone take over, ow..."

Odolwa cracked his fingers, approaching the problem. "Easy enough."

-One minute later-

"Like I said, easy." Somehow, Odolwa was hanging from the edge of the block, a giant latched on to each of his legs.

"And this is why you don't jump diagonally!" the sane statue roared, sliding another inch down his ankle.

"Pull me up!" the psychotic one cried, his whole body wrapped around the jungle warrior's knee. "I don't want to die!"

Link raised an eyebrow. "Well well, the tables have turned..."

-One recovery later-

It was time for Fyrus to take a go at it. With an excited cheer, he jumped onto the first block and started to traverse them in a completely random order. "Knowing my luck, he'll get it on the first try," Link grunted.

"He's just jumping back and forth between the same two blocks now," Midna said.

"Scratch that."

Morpheel was next up. "As great as I might be, HOW DO YOU RETARDS EXPECT ME TO JUMP?"

It was soon Diababa's turn. She bounced from one stone to another, moving with intense vigour. The statues struggled to jump along with her and quickly became confused, lagging at least three steps behind. "Slow down!" the sane one shouted, almost falling in his haste.

"I- WAH!" The psychotic giant tripped, landing face first on the next block. Diababa hopped on top of him, moving on without a care.

"Wee! Come on, where's your natural spirit? We need to jump like there's no tomorrow!"

"We're magic statues, we ain't natural!" The sane statue eventually stopped, trying to catch his bearings. "Now where-"

The plant wrapped her arm around the other statue, plopping him next to the sane one. "There! Back in your original spots."

"I... whatever. Go on in, take the sword, and please don't come back."

"Cruuuuush..."

"Shut up."

-The next area-

In the centre of the giant clearing sat the Master Sword, sticking firmly from a block of carefully carved stone. The blade of evil's bane gleamed even with the lack of sunlight, drawing Link and the others closer. "So... this will make me a human again?"

"Of course it will!" Morpheel shouted, wobbling around. "It's the fabled Master Sword! It's quite well known for its ability to... uh... reverse lycanthropy...? Does it do that? I don't remember it ever doing that."

Odolwa scooped the ball up, sagely nodding his head. "Everything is worth a shot so long as you have an arrow to spare."

"Uh, it's my life. I don't have a spare."

Midna held up a bottled fairy.

"I guess I do have one to spare..."

Link climbed up to the sword, looking at it from every angle he could. Seeing nothing else to do, he reached up and tried to yank it out with his paws. This failed.

"Put it in your mouth," Majora suggested.

"I'm never doing anything you say I should."

"Put it in your mouth!" Diababa shouted encouragingly.

"Or anyone except maybe Midna and Morpheel."

Midna propped her feet up on his head. "Put it in your mouth, furry-boy."

Link continued to pull on the sword, pushing his hind legs against the stone base. It didn't budge.

"Stop pulling sideways and lift!" Morpheel snapped. "Come on, you're supposed to be the smart one!"

"It's hard being a wolf!" Link put his paws under the hilt, lifting the blade toward the sky. It slid out with ease, and in a flash of darkness he was a person again. "YES!"

The darkness turned into the crystal Zant used to make him that form. Midna tapped him with it, turning him back into a wolf.

"NO!"

She took it away. He became human.

"...Yes?"

"You got the Transformation Crystal Thing!" Odolwa exclaimed. "Use it to transform back into a beast at anytime. Its dark energy is of a completely unknown origin, so be careful with it."

Midna slipped the crystal into her helmet. "Thank you for that."

Across the clearing, the rest of the monsters were inspecting the area. "It's strange," Morpheel said. "I could've sworn that thing was left in a standing temple near the middle of Hyrule."

"Fyrus think shiny sword wanted better view, so shiny sword hopped to forest and stabbed rock. Poor rock, Fyrus feel sorry for rock."

"...You know, I was never close to being the smartest member of the old gang. But next to you two, I feel brilliant."

Back with Link, the not-hero was taking the time to inspect his new sword. He gave the steel a few hesitant swings, finding it satisfactory for a blade that had been sitting in the forest for who knows how long. "It's official. You're the hero," Odolwa said, patting him on the back.

"No I'm not."

"You've been chosen to wield the most sacred sword in the world, have a reason to personally dislike your main antagonist, and it's all just in time for stage two of your adventure, which I will sadly not be able to join you on. If you'll excuse me, I think I hear the sound of a fish suffering."

"No." Link sheathed the sword. "I'm going home, and none of you are going to stop me."

Midna popped up right in front of him, hands on her hips. "Now hold on. We need to get to the Mirror of Twilight. It's the last connection to Zant, and I'm not letting it slip through our fingers like the Fused Shadows!"

"No. I was contracted to get the Fused Shadows, and I did. Now I want to go home where everything isn't trying to kill me!"

-Ordona border-

Link stared up at the wall of twilight, mouth agape. His neck twitched every so often. Of course, Majora was cackling unendingly at his shocked state. "I... but... how... why... when..."

"So..." Midna took a seat on his head, half-heartedly inspecting her nails. "Mirror of Twilight then?"

"...Mirror of Twilight."