This took much longer to get out than anticipated. The OoT and MM character polls are done, and we have results I've been waiting so long to announce!

With a pitiful zero votes, last place was held by Volvagia, Gyorg, Twinmold, Tatl, Igos du Ikana and Skull Kid!
In eighth place, with one vote, were Ganondorf and Twinrova!
In seventh place, with 2 votes, were Navi, King Dodongo and Kaepora Gaebora!
In sixth place, with 3 votes, were Zelda and Morpha!
In fifth place, with 4 votes, were Phantom Ganon, Goht, and Gate!
In fourth place, with 5 votes, was Gohma!
In third place, with 6 votes, were Majora and the Postman!
In second place, with 9 votes, were Link, Bongo Bongo and Odolwa!
In first place, with a staggering 14 votes, was Barinade!

I think most of us saw that winner coming. Bongo Bongo and Ganondorf were the shockers for me; I wasn't expecting one so high and the other so low. I guess it just shows how I don't know everything about you guys. Also, my god, so many ties... There was a few hours in there with a clear first through fifth, then this happened.

But that's enough of that. I'll be more than happy to carry on through messages, but if the fact that there were 29 voters out of several hundred readers tells me anything it's that most of you don't care and just want to see the chapter. So I shall delay no longer, with a chapter where many characters delve further into the depths of insanity.

Published March 13, 2012

Breaking Points

Zant returned to find his master screaming out the window, an aura of pure rage radiating off the king. "My lord? Are, are you all right?"

"Quiet," he hissed, returning his attention to the outside. "I'm not dropping the goddamn barrier! Burrow or something. There're burrowing owls out there, right?"

"Do I look like a burrowing owl?" Kaepora Gaebora shouted from another tower. "I can't get out unless you put that shield down. You can't kill me. You can't even hit me. If you don't want me here, let me out."

The man growled, shooting a blast of lightning at the bird. Kae Gae hopped up a few shingles, easily dodging. "Come on, you're much more mature than this. Just let me out."

Zant's master turned to the King of Twilight, sighing. "I'm going out for a while. Look after the castle while I'm gone." The woodpecker started jabbing at a nearby painting. "And if you kill that bird, you get the throne for a day."

"Of course, my lord." Zant hoisted the Megaton Hammer up onto his shoulder, chuckling sadistically. "If something needs to be crushed, I'm always eager."

"...Right. That's completely out of character for you to say, you know that, right?"

Zant tilted his head, shrugging his free shoulder. "I've felt quite energetic as of late. Full of life and murderous intent you might say."

The King chuckled. "I can admire that in a man. Keep up the good work, and I may even have a party for you afterwards."

"Please don't, sir."

-Temple of Time-

"HEY, ANYONE HERE?" Gyorg shouted from the grand temple's foyer. "Where the hell am I? Anyone in here?" He flopped around a large statue of a Hylian man, scowling at its smug grin before resuming his search for the exit. The fish wandered into the next room, forcing the door open.

Inside, systematically tearing the heads off every statue in the room, was the two legged scorpion-arachnid Queen Gohma. Gyorg flopped over to her. "Hey, Queen bitchiness! Get me out of here."

"No."

"Fuck you. Do it."

"No." Gohma moved to the next statue.

"Get me out of here!"

Gohma broke the statue's neck, letting out a sigh. After a second of hesitance, she snapped Gyorg up in a pincer and started walking to the exit. "You're never coming back."

"Don't plan to. Hate you."

The arachnid threw open the dimensional door, stepping out and dropping Gyorg in the dirt. She took a second to scan the clearing, noticing an absence. "Where'd the Master Sword go?" she asked.

"No clue. The giant idiot probably had something to do with it. Speaking of which, I need to get going before he gets here."

Suddenly, the door snapped shut behind Gohma. She jerked around, eye widening. "Hey! Armog! Open the damn door!" From where the entrance used to be came a wicked, cackling laugh. Gohma glared at the open air, eyelid twitching erratically.

"Well, have fun with that," Gyorg shouted merrily, already halfway across the glade. "If you need any help, I don't give a shit so don't bother asking."

-Back with our primary protagonists-

"Remember when I told you that smacking people with a shield was setup for another, even better move?" the hero's shade asked Link excitedly.

"Not really."

"Well this is it! Now you can stab people after you smack them."

"I already do that."

"But now it's in the head!"

"Stabbing someone in the head sounds difficult, what with your skull being round."

"That's why you slash them with your stab."

"I don't think you realize what these words mean."

"Of course I do, I'm a sword-man. Slash is slash, stab is stab, uppercut is smacky-up-"

"Uppercut is not a sword term."

"It is when I use swords. Now let's get to teaching you the Helm Splitter..."

After a quick exchange of strikes, Link returned to the regular reality with a splitting headache. "I hate your old friend," he muttered to Morpheel.

The eye chuckled dryly. "He is no friend, he was my greatest foe. There will come a time when you must fill the hole in my hatred his death created. Be ready, and be afraid."

"...Why are we keeping you?"

Diababa answered this by cuddling Morpheel. "Because he's so cute!"

"I AM NOT CUTE!"

In an attempt to get them moving, Link decided to walk away. The other followed soon after, following like a pack of sheep just as predicted, and continued with their bickering and insane antics on the move. They reached the vast emptiness of Hyrule Field, starting to plan their next course of action.

"MR LIIINK!" The postman trotted across the clearing, stopping in front of the not-hero.

"What the hell is that thing?" Morpheel asked, recoiling in shock. It was horrifying, but he couldn't take his eye away. "Is that even human?"

"I have four deliveries."

The postman handed the first to Link. He pulled it open, reading the contents. "Telma apparently has a group of adventurers she wants me to meet. Might as well do that first."

The next was given to Fyrus. "Fyrus mom send cookies!"

Morpheel was showed the third letter. "Hey, I won a free recliner! All I need to do is ship my credit card and it will be delivered right to me. This is how you treat a god!"

Lastly, the postman pulled out a package. Diababa was next to him immediately, her eye inches from the parcel. "Is that what I think it is?"

"No."

The package was given to Midna. She hesitantly opened it, but the moment the packaging came undone a boxing glove shot out and punched her out of the air. It happened to have a picture of Zant's helmet glued to the fist. "Son of a..."

-Hyrule Castle Town-

Link slipped into Telma's Bar with Midna in his shadow, Majora in his pack and Morpheel under his arm. He was a bit hesitant on the last one, worried that most people wouldn't take a giant detached eyeball staring at them very well, but he had insisted. "Hello?"

"Ah, honey, glad you could make it," the owner greeted. "How've you been late- Um... is that an eye?"

"I am Morpheel, the mighty Leviathan!"

"All righty. I was just talking about you, good timing. Hey!" she called out to a table near the back. "Everyone, introduce yourselves."

Three people sat at the table: a tidy looking man, a knightly looking woman, and someone with a large helmet obscuring his face. Link lightly waved.

"They're the people I mentioned who are trying to solve all the major problems in Hyrule, and your help would be great."

"Three people?"

"Well, there's one more, but he's checking something near the Gerudo Desert."

"Oh, four people then. That changes everything," his mask said, probably rolling its eyes if it could.

"He's an older guy named Auru, so if you happen to see him, take the time to talk with him."

"He's probably firing chickens out of that cannon again," the woman sighed. "For science and all that."

"Doing anything with science in mind is a worthy goal," the tidy man retorted, raising his glass into the air. "To science!"

She smacked his toast away. "But he's not doing it for science. He's making bets on it, I've seen it before."

"A man firing cuccos from a cannon for money? Link, bring me to this man at once!" Morpheel dramatically ordered, shaking around.

Link ignored him for now, instead approaching the table. "Uh, hi."

"Hello there, Link. I'm Shad, a pleasure to meet you," the fancy man said, frantically shaking the teen's hand. "Would you happen to be a man interested in pursuing the quest of scientific discovery?"

"I... don't see why not."

The woman slowly did a double facepalm. "Dear goddesses, why did you have to say that?"

"Quiet Ashei, we have a man of science on our hands! I want you to help me with an experiment." Shad pulled a shiny red apple out of his pouch, clearly freshly picked, putting it in Link's hands. "Keep this, and tell me how it reacts to various environments."

"O...kay...?" He glanced at Ashei, begging for some sort of clue.

"Just be glad you weren't the test subject for the grapefruit. If I hadn't gotten that lucky hit, it would have eaten my whole arm."

"WHAT?"

"My dear, how many times must I apologize? I didn't know Dodongo DNA got into the mixture."

Link held the apple at arm's length, staring at it intently. "Should I be worried?"

"For your life."

"Not at all! It's perfectly safe this time, I promise."

"This time?" Morpheel questioned suspiciously. "What happened last time?"

Shad flipped open a worn, clearly personal notebook. "The first time, it exploded when exposed to high altitudes."

"Um..."

"On the second, it grew to a hundred times its normal size when placed underwater."

"UM..."

"The third experiment merged with the subject's hand and granted him plant based superpowers in the cold. Then it exploded."

"I'm not feeling up to this anymore."

"The fourth collapsed into a black hole and annihilated everything within a ten kilometre radius."

"KEEP THE APPLE." Link threw it onto the table, backing away.

"It's too late," Ashei said. "He won't give up now. Just watch."

As predicted, Shad forced the apple back in his hands and closed the unwilling Hylian's fingers around it.. "Nonsense, it's perfectly safe this time. Please, I'm counting on you to get accurate results."

Link hesitantly dropped the apple in his pack, planning to dispose of it outside. "Hey, keep that thing away from me!" Majora hissed.

Moving on to the last person sitting at the table, Link approached the man in the iron mask. "Er, hi."

"Hello, Link."

That voice was eerily familiar. "...Rusl? Why are you dressed like that?"

Rusl perched his elbows on the table, tenting his fingers maniacally. "I'm resubmitting my play under the alias of Ulrich von Liechtenstein. I'm thinking they rejected it last time because I was some nobody from the country, but now I have a fancy name."

"And the fact that you insisted that they flood the stage for that one really short scene."

"I could help flood things," Majora piped in. Link punched his bag.

"And," Rusl continued, seemingly not noticing the voice, "if they reject it, I can burn the place down and discard the name. They'll be searching for Ulrich von Liechtenstein for years, oh ho ho..."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that and leave now."

At Morpheel's insistence, their next goal was to find Auru and blast Cuccos out of a giant cannon. They warped to Lake Hylia, immediately noticing that they had found him. Auru and Fyer were standing next to the latter's giant cannon, aiming it to the north.

"That island out there," Auru said, placing a red rupee on the table. Fyer fired, a single Cucco blasting from the top. It fell just short of the island, splashing in the lake.

"Damn." Fyer threw his own red rupee on the table, Auru taking both of them.

Morpheel broke out of Link's grip, rolling over to them. "You two! I find your actions hilarious. I request five Cuccos at once!"

"Hey, Fyer, think you could send this one into the Gerudo Desert?" Auru placed a red rupee down.

"Easy."

"Wait, NO! RELEASE ME AT ONCE! YOU ARE MEDDLING WITH FORCES YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND!" Morpheel was shoved into the cannon's entrance, silencing him. It turned, pointing to the west, and the eye was sent flying. The ball easily cleared the western cliff, entering the desert.

Fyer took the rupee, smiling. "Like I said, easy. I could launch a person that far with this thing."

"Ha! That's I'd like to see."

Link turned to Diababa. "If anyone tries to force me into that, kiss them."

"With pleasure."

The not-hero cautiously approached the two, Diababa merrily hopping next to him. "Um, hello?"

The insane two looked over at him. "Hm? Oh, you're Link, aren't you? Telma told me how you'd be dressed."

"Yes, it's not very dignified."

Auru placed a hand on his chin, stroking it in thought. "This is perfect timing, actually. You've likely heard of the strange happenings in the Gerudo Desert, correct?"

"No..."

"Well, a long time ago the desert held a prison, a place where the worst criminals you could find in the world were kept. The criminals sentenced to death were said to be sent to the underworld with a strange mirror they had, the window to hell as some would call it." Link's shadow began to stir at this. "But now, no one can even get there with how hostile the desert has been. It was condemned ages ago though, so I don't see why anyone would want to. It's said that the ghosts of the people left there still haunt the place. Scary, eh?"

"That sounds so cool!" Diababa shouted, bouncing excitedly. "Let's go, I wanna see the ghosts!"

His shadow shuddered again, a small finger jutting out of it. Following the digit, Link noticed that it was pointing at the cannon. "Oh no."

"Aw, why not?" Diababa pouted, leaves drooping in disappointment.

"What? No, not you. I mean, yes, you, how are we going to get there without climbing the whole thing?"

Auru, Fyer and Diababa stared at the cannon.

"No."

-One cannon flight later-

Link pulled his face out of the sand, coughing up the decimated rock. The unfortunate boy rolled onto his back, forcing his eyes to look for his similarly fated companions. Diababa was sticking out of the ground not far away, like some horrifying flower, and Fyrus could only be seen by his ankles. The rest was underground.

"Link, could you reach in here for a moment?" Majora asked. Link reluctantly reached into his pack, knowing everything was wrong when something wet and sticky latched onto his hand.

"AH!"

The apple had sprouted a tentacle where its stem should have been and was curling around his arm, the fruit itself producing a sizzling sound in its new sentience. Link tugged on it, ripping the suckers off his skin, and threw the fruit on the ground. It proceeded to crawl away, using its single limb to drag its body through the sands.

"WHAT THE HELL? I'm gonna kill him!"

Meanwhile, Shad was physically merging a cannon to a wild deer.

"You know, that really does remind me of the great power Zant used to take over the Twilight Realm," Midna commented, watching the apple crawl through the sands.

Link also stared at the sin against nature. "How?"

"He has many powers that you've seen. There's manipulation of dark energy, flight, pulling and pushing people, converting the light world to Twilight, tearing a hole between the two worlds; but the one that allowed him to truly conquer our people was the summoning of a gigantic... thing with lots of tentacles."

"Um..."

"It just tore right through everything, yup."

"What exactly are we up against?"

"Don't worry, as long as you can stab him through the face it'll be fine."

-Meanwhile-

"AH! There's sand in my eye! Wait, I'm just an eye... AHHH!" Morpheel flailed wildly, shaking himself out of the dunes.

Suddenly, a hand burst from sand next to him. "AH!" An arm followed the hand, then a shoulder, then a head, then a torso, then another shoulder, then the other arm, then an abdomen, then the hips, then the first leg, and finally the last leg.

-Back with Link-

"And that's the Mortal Draw," the hero's shade said, nodding happily. He picked up the top half of Link's body, shaking a bloody hand. "Congrats, you're almost done! Just two more to go, and boy are they good ones. See you in a bit!"

The halved sap was returned to the real world, thankfully whole again. "I hate him. I hate him so much... Why have I been seeing him so much more lately?"

"If you hate him, why do you keep saying yes to 'want to learn a new move?'" Majora asked, likely actually rolling its eyes this time.

"He'll bug me until I do, you know that. I'll get hurt anyway, so I might as well get it out of the way."

"You're such a joy to be around."

"And you're a sadistic bastard."

"This is why we get along."

Their Twili companion cleared her throat, placing her hands on her hips and glaring at them. "Stop making out you two. Mirror of Twilight. If you're going to let your mouths run, at least put them on your feet first."

"I don't have a mouth," the mask said, cackling joyfully. She shoved them, putting Link's legs in gear.

The desert was harsh, the searing ball of nuclear fusion's cruel rays undeterred by the sandstorm that was building up around them. Every step was a task, Link's feet constantly sinking into freshly turned sand and, before he could pull them out, being covered in even more by the wind. Pulling up the collar of his tunic he trudged onward, constantly cursing this fate.

Right behind him, Diababa was happily bounding through the cutting winds, eye wide with glee. "This is all natural guys! Can you feel the lack of man's touch? No? That's because it ain't there to not feel! I could get used to this, mmm..." She jumped into the next dune, waggling around until all that stuck out was her main stalk. "Don't you guys love this?"

"Hate," Link growled. "All I feel is hate and contempt for those around me."

"Fyrus like hot ball! Fyrus want!" In his attempt to claim the sun as his own, the fire giant's jump and subsequent landing created a massive shockwave, effectively dispelling the storm around them. Link would have been the first to declare his appreciation had he not also been blown away.

"AHHHHHHHH!"

This lessened his enjoyment.

Once the not-hero pulled himself out of the large ravine Fyrus knocked him down, their journey continued.

"Fyrus."

"Fyrus?" the second boss responded.

"Fyrus. We have a ground rule to add."

"Fyrus listen."

"You will no longer perform any physical action until gaining my permission. Do you agree to these terms?"

"What terms?" the mask interjected. "You just gave him an order. That's not very kind of you, Link."

"I know. Fyrus, do you agree?"

"Does Fyrus agree?"

"That's... Is it a yes or no?"

"Yes it is a yes or no."

"Well which one?"

Fyrus pointed ahead of them, grinning. "That one!"

A quick glance told Link he was pointing at nothing. "I need you to answer me with a yes, or a no. Choose yes or no, please..."

"Why can't Fyrus have both?"

"Because life sucks and you don't get nice things. Now tell me!"

"Okay!" Fyrus kept staring at him.

"GAH!" Link threw his hands up, kicking a clump of sand into the air. "WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN IDIOT?"

"Fyrus sorry..."

"NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

"Also true."

In the midst of his rage, Midna happily plopped on Link's shoulder. She grabbed him by the head, pointing it to the right. "If you're done taking another year off your heart's lifecycle, take a look over there."

The Arbiter's Grounds poked over the dunes in the distance, standing tall like a monument to some long forgotten civilization... even though it was abandoned recently by a still existing society. It was a good simile.

"Let's just get there already..."

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

Last chapter was originally going to be the group wandering the forest for 2500 words, getting lost constantly and going through the usual zany antics. They were then going to stumble upon the Master Sword, completely skipping the puzzles and Skull Kid, and that would be that. But I wanted the Skull Kid to suffer a little, so I had them fight it. Then I got the ideas for the block puzzle, and wrote that. This has been a look into my pre-writing process. I change my mind a lot. It has hopefully been informative.