All three current GoW stories have been getting a lot of activity around them lately. To all current, past and future readers, you're all awesome ^_^

Not much to say about the chapter itself. So... here it is!

Published April 7, 2012

Dickery Knows No Bounds

"Where exactly are we?" Morpheel asked, the eye whirling around. "If you say 'the desert' you die."

"We're at the north part of the desert, very close to a Bulblin camp," Phantom Ganon said. He pointed just under the Arbiter's Grounds, revealing small wooden structures. "They've been active in that place a lot recently. I've been trying to sneak in and see what they're up to, but there's so many that I get seen too quickly."

"Ah." For a minute they traveled without words, the eye held under Phantom's arm and the ghostly double himself floating inches above the sand. "Now, I've been meaning to ask... why were you under the sand?"

Phantom stopped, tilting his head down and delving into the deepest recesses of his memories. "I... don't... know."

"Of course."

-Meanwhile-

"Night time was falling in the Gerudo Desert. The intense heat faded with the light and the air grew chilly. It was during these times that the vast sands became just as hazardous as they would be in midday, all heat vanishing as to allow an intense cold to sweep the lands. But such was the natural cycle, and nature is an unstoppable force."

"Thank you for that Dia. Now does anyone know how much longer this will take?" Link's feet were aching.

"Nope," Diababa joyfully said.

"Fyrus no know," Fyrus mumbled.

"Not a clue," Midna sighed.

"Longer," Majora helpfully said.

"Great."

The trip was mostly uneventful. At one point Fyrus decided that it would be a fantastic idea to eat a cactus. The others tried to stop him, but their efforts were in vain. Unfortunately, his insides were not as durable as his outsides, and the following rampage almost completely obliterated the region's geography. But that's not today's story.

"What's that?" Link asked, staring confusedly to the left.

On a nearby plateau was a very unnatural object, what looked like some kind of solid brick tower. "It's a bridge!" Fyrus exclaimed, running at the pillar.

"That does kind of look like the part of the Bridge of Eldin that was teleported away," Link said. "But how did it get-"

Fyrus grabbed the chunk of rock, tearing it up from the sand and stone. "Fyrus weapon!" He whirled around, smacking Diababa over the head as he did so. She fell quickly.

Link flinched at this. "If you're going to almost kill us, you can't keep that."

"Fyrus sorry. Fyrus learn how to appropriately gauge distances as to prevent such a mishap from mishappening again."

"You know, you were doing good until the end there. Whatever. Let's go."

"HOOOOLE!" Diababa screamed just as he took his first step away, eye rolled into the back of her head. "There's... there's a hole... under the bridge... hoooole... it's a pretty hole. I wanna hole..."

"Could someone carry her?"

"Fyrus carry!"

"...I'd ask if there was anyone else, but Midna's tiny and Majora... we all know how Majora is."

"I'm a prick," the mask piped in.

"That's putting it lightly."

"I'm not tiny," the Twili interrupted, glaring fiercely at the Ordonian. "Normally I'm quite well proportioned, but- shut up!" She crossed her arms, curtly looking away.

In his pack, the purple heart cackled delightfully. "Excellent! You've found a nerve, my apprentice. The next step is to press the might of your words against it in small increments, gradually seeing how much she can take before resorting to physical retribution."

"I'm not listening to you." He started to walk toward the Arbiter's Grounds, an irate interdimensional being and a load bearing giant right behind him.

"C'mon, it'll be fun!"

Link said nothing.

"Oh, the silent treatment, how passé. Bitch, I lived in silence for at least three millennia. You think a hick farmhand not talking for ten minutes will have any effect?"

Link's cheek twitched.

"I think I just found another one of your nerves! Excellent! I wonder if you're also sensitive about your very feminine features. Honestly, if it weren't for the voice and shoulder proportions, I'd think you were a girl with a jaw line like that."

"You love hearing your own voice, don't you?"

"Voice? I don't even have a voice kiddo, I'm just psychically projecting my thoughts to everything around me. I could take on a funny accent if you want to make my taunting more pleasurable to listen to."

Link's pace increased.

-Back with the pre-meanwhile cast-

Morpheel rolled past the tired Bulblin sentries, descending a nearby ledge and falling right into Phantom Ganon's arms. "Well? What are they doing?"

"They're just building buildings," the eye reported. "There were a bunch of ramparts, but that's about it. My question is-"

"Why did they bring all that out here?" Phantom muttered.

"NO! Fool, my question is how did they bring these tonnes of wood out here? It's not an easy place to get to!"

-Meanwhile-

A thought struck Link like a bolt of lightning. "Auru said the desert was hostile lately, didn't he? It hasn't been too bad so far."

"Maybe we came on a good day." Midna shrugged. "Deserts do have on and off times if what I've heard is correct."

"If you want a hostile environment, I can rectify this," Majora calmly said. A dark energy radiated from Link's pack, spreading its evil into the air around them.

Link quickly pulled the mask out, shaking it frantically. "No, stop, STOP!"

The wind spun, sand slowly rising into the air. The field quickly spread, the entire desert shifting to Majora's will. "You know those sandstorms that rip the flesh right off your bone?" the cursed mask said, the breeze intensifying to hostile levels. "Yeah, this is going to be one of them. Enjoy!"

"RUNNING!" Using Majora as a windshield, Link took off in a sprint toward the Arbiter's Grounds. He went straight through the first blockade, ignoring the indignant Bulblin guards ("Some intruders show no respect!") and ran into the main camp.

"Intruder!" a watchman shouted from a tower, pulling up a scarf for his eyes. Then Fyrus and Diababa followed. "Er, intruders."

Phanton Ganon took this opportunity to run up to them with Morpheel under his arm.

"Invasion! There, I've covered all amounts of enemies. If that's not good enough for my supervisor, to hell with him."

"Hello," the ghost said to the team. "Lovely weather, isn't it?"

Link stared quizzically at the newcomer. "Hi... who're you?"

"Phantom Ganon at your service."

"You'll like this one. He's all about what's 'smart'," Morpheel said, rolling his eye. "Whoa, that made me dizzy..."

"Sandstorm!" Midna shouted, pulling at Link's hair. "Flesh from bone! Retarded mask of evil! Get inside!" She shoved him at a building that was mostly finished; it looked like it could easily protect them from the crystallized rock.

Link slipped inside, gesturing for the others to follow. "I don't think this will fit them," Phantom stated, looking up at the hulking Fyrus and his cargo.

"I'm made of flowers," Diababa shouted, head slopping uselessly on the giant's back. "Let's bake some breeead!"

"Trust me, they'll find a way."

-Inside-

The entire group fit quite snuggly through the door, slamming it shut behind them. Midna turned to Phantom, opening her mouth.

"No. Please, don't tell me the logistics. It's better if I don't know."

"Actually, I was going to say that you're probably one of Morpheel's old friends and that I should fill you in on the situation. You're going to be sticking around for a while."

"Oh. There's no need for that though. I don't think I'll be here for too long-"

"Trust me, they all do."

"Oh god, who have you seen?"

Midna groaned, plopping down on the ground. "Too many." He gave her a pat on the shoulder.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DICKHOLES DOING IN THE HOUSE OF KING BULBLIN AND LORD BULBO?" a voice shouted from the shadows. It should be easy to guess who that was.

Lord Bulbo stormed up to them, snarling and stamping his hooves. "BITCH STICKS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE RIGHT NOW!"

"I'm terrified," Link muttered half-heartedly. "How'd you like your swim?"

"GR! You have NOT A CLUE who you're fuckin' with, kid! KING BULBLIN, SHOW THESE GUYS WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!"

Link's face paled when King Bulblin followed up behind his steed, holding in both hands a battleaxe capable of hacking a limb or two off of even Fyrus. Bulblin smashed Link with the blunt side, firing him into a nearby wall.

"Why do all the green kids I know have to make so many enemies?" Phantom muttered to himself. The spectre whipped out his sceptre, summoning up a ball of lightning and smacking it at the big man. King Bulblin bounced it back, and they engaged in a tennis match. "Would someone please HIT HIM!"

With two hands Fyrus smashed his bridge into King Bulblin, hitting him into the same wall Link was imbedded in. The same spot too. "SHI-"

King Bulblin extracted himself from the wall, pulling a large chunk of wood out of his back before returning to the fight. He met the bridge of Fyrus with his axe, both chunks of stone deflecting behind their wielder. Bulblin recovered first, hacking his axe against the giant's knee. "OW!" Fyrus hopped on the opposite leg, holding the wound.

Phantom took this opportunity to dive-bomb Bulblin, stabbing the head of his staff into the bulky warrior's gut. King Bulblin backhanded him into Link.

"YEAH, GO GET 'EM, KING BULBLIN!"

Bulblin stepped forward. He tripped on Morpheel, falling flat on his ass and sending his axe halfway across the room. "HEY! Watch where you're stepping, jackass! I deserve far more respect than this!"

Disarmed and outnumbered, King Bulblin made a strategic retreat. He quickly ran out a nearby door, Bulbo at his heels, and a few seconds later a Bulblin archer set the building on fire.

"HAVE FUN BURNING, DUMBASSES!"

"Here's the plan," Phantom said, taking charge of the situation. "Fyrus, I want you to-"

Link managed to pull himself out of the wall just before the flames reached him. "Someone GET US OUT!"

Diababa whacked down a nearby wall, exposing them to the harsh sandstorm.

"The outside! It burns!" Morpheel cried. "I hate sand! Put us back inside!"

"Or just break the whole thing open," Phantom muttered, the memories of being ignored all coming back.

Link scooped the eye up, making a run for the big stone coliseum nearby. As the others followed, Diababa was flayed by the ripping sand. Fyrus was barely phased, probably due to his obliviousness. Phantom was completely unaffected, already having no flesh to tear off his bones.

Once they sprinted a few dozen metres, the group was able to enter the gigantic Arbiter's Grounds. While there was more sand inside the dark stone hallways, it at least wasn't flying into their eyes.

Morpheel looked at the sinking, whirlpool-esque sand pits, knowing from basic experience that he would drop like a rock if he fell into that thing. "If any of you drop me into one of those, I will find some way to murder you. You won't know how, you won't know when, you won't even know... crap what do I have left... you won't know where, but it will happen, and you will die."

Link nodded, barely listening. "Noted. Okay guys, what are we doing?" Midna popped out of his shadow. "Yes, Mirror of Twilight, but where and how?"

"Some sort of execution site should be either at the top or the bottom," Phantom said. "Let's keep going forward, try to remember where we've been, and search for important looking rooms." For his ideas, everyone stared wide-eyed at the ghost, shocked beyond all words. "What?"

"Where have you been this whole time?" Link whispered, his eyes watering from a combination of joy at Phantom's presence and the sand that tore his pupils in half a minute ago.

"Um... I was under a sand dune, but I'm really not sure why." He smacked his own skull, more sand dripping out of the ear.

-Four minutes later-

"PULL ME UP! FASTER! FASTER!"

Morpheel may not have liked having the clawshot stabbing into his sides, but it was better than falling into the gaping maw of sandy darkness below them. It retracted to Link's hands, though the fact that he was hanging on to a ledge with four fingers did not put either of them in a better situation.

"HOW DO I END UP IN THESE PLACES?" Link screamed, arms shaking. The ledge was just a wall sticking out of the middle of the sand trap.

"We'll save you!" Diababa called from across the death zone. "Hold on!"

"WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO DO?"

"...Let go?"

"JUST HELP!"

Phantom hovered to just above them, pulling Link up by the wrist and putting him down on some solid ground.

"You're very handy."

"Thank you, but don't make me do it again, please. My arm almost popped out of its socket, and with me that's a hell of a lot worse for you." He rolled his arm around, the joint cracking several times. "By the way, I've been meaning to ask. Why do you have Majora's Mask?"

"Well-"

The floor broke away, sending Link tumbling back into the sand.

"AH! HELP!"

And then beetles came out of the sand, crawling around him.

"AH!"

"They're just scarabs," Phantom said, sighing as he pulled the kid out. "They're dung beetles. Just shoo them off, they were probably scared out because you disturbed the sand."

"I don't care what they are, I don't want them on me!"

A few rooms later, the group entered a large hallway. Pillars rose to the ceiling around them, and far away way a gigantic doorway. A haze filtered out of the emptiness, blocking all vision of whatever lay beyond. Around the door were four lit torches, their blue flames burning brightly.

"This doesn't look hard at all!" Diababa happily piped. "Let's go!"

"Wait!" Link held his hand up, stopping the group. He didn't follow up on this order.

"Gonna... explain?" Midna asked, propping her elbows on his head.

"This is way too easy looking. And now that Dia's said that, something's bound to happen!"

"Wow, you're right! Thanks for stopping me, Linny!" Diababa happily said, eye-smiling.

"...Linny?"

"You call me Dia, and I call you Linny. It's like we have pet names for each other, isn't it?"

"I... sure. Now don't move."

Yet nothing occurred, and Link had them look down the dark hallway for several minutes.

"This is stupid," Morpheel said. "You're stupid. Let's start moving."

"...You first."

"Pansy." The leviathan started rolling forward. He crossed all the way to the base of the frame and stopped, looking back. "Whew! That sure was a workout! What a strenuous task!"

"Well- Shut up!" the hero shouted.

At that moment, four Poe lanterns hovered out of the mist. They floated to the torches and scooped them away, darkening the hall. This caused the door to slam shut, the shockwave firing Morpheel back like a cannonball. "YOU DARE- OW!" He hit Fyrus.

"Gee, never seen this one before," Phantom muttered, watching three of the Poes fly away. The fourth stayed to taunt them, invisibly spinning its lantern in a mocking manner, but it learned that strange things scare Fyrus.

"AH! FYRUS SMASH!" And with one bridge it was defeated. The flame returned to its brazier, leaving them in a slightly more well lit chamber.

"It looks like we need to defeat all four of them to get through here," Phantom said. "It's happened before, trust me."

"FYRUS SMASH PUNY BIG DOOR!" The giant stormed up to the stone slab, pulling his fist back.

"Or just break it..."

Fyrus threw a punch, a crack echoing through the chamber. "...Fyrus hurt now."

"What do ya know, I was right about what needs to be done for once. It feels good."