This temple sure lasted a while. Lots of content I guess, but I ain't gonna complain. Not much to say today, except so many of the people on Youtube seem to take so long for Stallord's first phase. They can't time those jumps at all!

There's been a lot of people wondering what Stallord will be like, so...

Published June 16, 2012

The Spin God's Might

"Welcome to Dodongo's Variety, we- Oh. You better be here to buy something, I don't do casual gatherings."

Bongo Bongo bopped Kingy over the head. "No. We need to save the world again, and you're coming."

"But... eh, why not. Business has been slow lately and I'm not sure why..." The Dodongo King pulled a giant sack out from under the counter, passing it roughly to the phantom shadow beast. "Now dump all my wares in here."

Bongo Bongo accepted the bag, starting to sweep the shelves into the surprisingly roomy container. On the third, he stopped. "Wait, why am I the one doing this?"

"Because my back is sore, now start shoving Oingo Boingo."

He received a soulless stare, unblinking, that pierced his very being.

"You've overused that. Now back to sweeping, I don't pay you to sit around and look at me! Actually, I should pay someone to do that... like a wife..."

-Back in the Arbiter's Grounds-

"AHHHHHHHHH!" The next chapter of the heroic adventure began in the same way as many others: with Link screaming.

The not-hero was trying out the strange device he found in Death Sword's final-final resting grounds. It was a large, heavy metal mechanism that seemed to be some sort of top. At first, it just rotated slowly in his hands when he turned it on. It was Morpheel who suggested that he click it into one of those tracks on the wall. He hated that eye.

"Today's programming brings us the tamed Link. It is a strange, stupid creature with no self preservation instincts, continuously believing that good things will come to it despite all evidence to the contrary. I'm your host, Majora the mask, and here with me is our special guest Morpheel Balleball."

"I don't have a surname and that's a stupid one anyway!" Morpheel shouted at Link and his sacked companion as they skidded past the starting point again, caught in some kind of upward spiral. "Though I am willing to be your special guest under the condition that I am supplied with four thousand potted ferns, all in peak condition."

"I'll write you a check."

"You don't have checks! Or a bank account! Or money at all!"

"Details, details. Now it looks like-"

"AH!" The spinner flew off its rails, travelling through the air before clunking into another rail circuit on the other side of the room. "WHAT DID I DO?"

"Looks like Link once again continues to toy with devices outside of his understanding. Any thoughts on the matter, Morpheel?"

"Well Majora, I- Wait, I still haven't gotten anything from you! I demand payment!"

"I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE!" Link cried, trying not to move a muscle as he flew down the track. "I didn't even think I did anything!"

"Your payment will come eventually."

"I highly doubt that. You cannot fool one as mighty as me!"

"...Diababa, you've been recruited on Mornings With Majora!"

"I thought it was evening," the plant said, scratching her head.

"Phantom Ganon, you're the new guest star."

"I'm still trying to figure out how to destroy you before the night is done," the ghost said, shrugging.

"You're all really terrible co-hosts. None of you get to be on the reunion special."

Link's spinner reached the end of the rail. It detached, spun for a few more seconds, then fell over. The not-hero stood up, carefully reclaiming it and making sure that he did not attach it to anything else. "I hate this thing... but it just got me through that entire room. Ugh, I'm going to have to use it a lot, aren't I?"

His question was answered as soon as the next door was opened. The vast chamber was entirely a pit of soft, moving sand with spinner tracks whirling their way around the room, several jumps between rails present.

"Once or twice," Majora stated.

"The others won't be able to get across though. We need to find another route."

"Fyrus jump!" With only one leap, Fyrus cleared the vast room and crashed down on the other side. "Yay!"

"If you throw me I SWEAR AH FUCK YOU!" Morpheel joined him. Diababa followed shortly after, using her vines to swing across the room like a kid on monkey bars. With Phantom Ganon hovering above the ground, it was easy to see how he would cross too.

Link sighed, holding the spinner in both hands as he approached the first track. "Looks like we'll do it the hard way."

-Two seconds later-

"AHHHHHHHHH!" The spinner randomly hopped to another track, the boy still unsure as to how he did it. "HOW? WHY?"

"And they're off! Number zero dashes out of the starting gate with all his energy, having no idea what he is doing and moving into a dangerous zone before taking time to check his equipment's functionality - ladies and gentlemen we have a real winner here!" Majora continued to be Majora.

While the not-hero struggled in the background, the other members of the group were deep in a pleasant conversation. "Of course, kettle corn is delicious," Morpheel insisted, body bouncing eagerly. "I'm surprised you've never even tasted the stuff."

"OH GOD WHY?"

"I've lived in a tree all these years," Diababa explained. "The outside world has always been a bit of a mystery."

"PLEASE SAVE ME!"

"Speaking of which, how did you order that package you always pester the devoted postman about anyway? You have no mailing address, and he never goes around that forest."

"THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!"

"I went right to the post office and placed my order there."

"NO, THAT'S WHERE I STARTED!"

"And you say you've never left that forest? Wait, why don't you just go there and pick it up now? You're stupid!"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

"You silly little eyeball, the post office is in another-"

Link crashed into her head, the rough edged spinner doing heavy damage to the poor plant, but at least he was there. "Sorry... Never... again..."

With everyone present, Fyrus smashed open the door/wall. This spinner puzzle went upside-down.

"Oh. COME. ON!"

-A few chambers later-

Link slipped the key into the lock, tearing the chains away as he entered the next room. It was surprisingly tiny, with no other ways out. "Wait, what? Did I just waste this key?"

"Keys are fragile, puny green muskrat must be softer with them," Fyrus muttered, stroking the remains of the newly deceased key. "Unlocker in better place now..."

Only after stepping inside did Link notice what was in the floor: an indentation, one that looked like the spinner would fit in it perfectly. "Here goes nothing..."

Placing the device inside of it, he waited. Nothing happened.

So he tried standing on it. Nothing continued to happen.

So he applied some pressure to it. The floor dropped away, rapidly descending with the kid still on it. "AHHHHhhhhh..." A soft thud resonated up the new shaft.

"Don't worry Linny, we're coming!" Diababa proceeded to unthinkingly leap down, Fyrus immediately following.

"WHEE!"

At the bottom, Link groaned. He hadn't been injured at all, but it was an experience to say the least. Somewhat hearing Diababa's proclamation, he looked up. They were falling at him. "AH!" He barely managed to scurry to his feet and dive into an open doorway just as they crashed into the floor, stone shattering on impact and sending them down through it.

"...We have found... a new room."

Their sequence breaking had indeed found another chamber. Looking through, Link was able to see that they were right next to the boss door. "We just have to find that key then come back here I guess."

The others floated down calmly, Phantom holding Morpheel under an arm. The ghost lowered his head into the hole, looking around. "Actually, I think this is the other side of the door. There's a big arena far over there."

Everyone climbed down, and sure enough they were on the other side of the boss door. Link blinked, taking in the sights. The chamber was gargantuan, most of it filled with a circular pit of sand that sunk in further as it came to the middle. Sticking out of this middle was a massive, draconic skeleton, a single section of its spine the size of Link. Its massive skull had four dark horns and decaying hair jutting straight out the back, quite imposing, but quite dead. It lay still. "Oh..."

In a buzz, Zant faded into sight on the monster's head. "You arrived faster than I expected."

"Why does he have the Megaton Hammer?" Phantom asked, pointing his sceptre to emphasize.

"No wonder some call you 'hero'. Your ability to survive beyond my expectations is astonishing," Zant continued, ignoring the spectre.

"Wait, someone actually calls me hero...?"

Diababa gasped at the audacity of this man. "He just blew you off! You should throw lightning at him. The nerve!"

"I actually agree, if only because we should stop him before he tries anything." Phantom Ganon held up his hand, white light gathering in his palm. With a grunt he hurled the ball at Zant with unrivaled accuracy, the magic burning through the air.

Zant smacked it with the Megaton hammer, firing it back and blowing his head off.

"I really should hold my staff up more often... they all seem to do that..."

"All futile in the presence of a being of my power." Zant shook his head mockingly, heaving the hammer up onto his shoulder. "Truly a bittersweet reunion though, truly! I'm afraid this will be the last time I see any of you alive!"

"Even Fyrus?" the giant gasped.

"Especially Fyrus, yes!" Zant held up his free hand, a thin, withered piece of flesh, and a twisted greatsword appeared in its grasp. With a heave, he stabbed it into the beast's skull. A light spread across the bones from where the blade was stuck, fading almost as quickly as it appeared.

"But Fyrus don't want to die! Can you die for Fyrus?"

"Alas, it cannot be that way. Farewell, heroic traitors." The evil monarch bent his spine in a taunting bow, disappearing just as he returned to being upright.

Everyone stared at the bones, at the ready. The moment this thing came at them, it would experience the full force of this group of miscreants!

"It's not moving," Midna stated, staring at the inanimate skeleton.

"Just wait, it'll get up!" Morpheel glared at the compilation of bones with as much intensity as an eye without lids could muster. "Such a huge body. How I loathe you..."

Link lowered his weapon cautiously, looking from the supposed enemy to his companions. "I think she's right. Zant messed something up."

At that instant, its eyes lit up in a dark yellow and colour returned to the dull bones. The monster rose, balancing on its spine and staring down at the group.

Stallord
Twilit Fossil
Likes: Social gatherings
Dislikes: Dirty cowards
Greatest Accomplishment: Died a valiant death

"Don't let me talk anymore," Link squeaked.

Stallord slammed his claws on the stone around him, releasing a ferocious, spine chilling roar even though he possessed no lungs to do so with. By the end, Link was glad he had emptied his bladder in a pot a few rooms back. He squeaked again.

The undead monster backhanded Link across the room, the only thing that saved him being a comfortable backpack full of hard, angular objects that cushioned the impact. Stallord faced the other massive members of the group, nostrils naturally flared.

"Linny, NOOOOOO!" Diababa lunged at Stallord, coiling her vines around his swinging limbs. The skeleton opened his mouth wide, a blast of fire exploding in Diababa's face. She fell back, sizzling. "Didn't know you could do that..."

Stallord leaned back, now resting far out in the middle of his sandy domain, and slammed both hands down. "KILL..." his deep voice boomed, echoing through the massive chamber. Instantly, bony figures rose from the yellow slopes, decked out in fancy armour, and tried to move up to face their foes. However, with the descending ground they only succeeded at moving in place. Stallord blinked. Shaking his head and wondering why he even bothered to do that, the dragon went back to beating on Diababa.

Once he reclaimed his head, Phantom threw a ball of lightning and pegged the beast in the eye. He growled, facing the ghost. "Let's play." Another attack was thrown, Phantom readying himself to smack the ball on return.

Stallord thrust an arm forward, going through the magic orb and smashing the spirit to bits with his palm.

"Well played..."

Link returned from his brief unconscious period, blinking to clear his hazy vision. "Ugh, how, ow..." He sat up, noticing that the others were engaged in combat with the beast. The foe was shaking off everything they hit with, even going as far as catching the Bridge of Eldin between both hands and slamming it downwards, cracking the already broken bridge in half on the head of Fyrus.

Midna appeared next to the terrified kid, leaning in closely. "He's not paying any attention to you," she whispered. "All of its movements are being based around that spine poking up from the sand. You need to get down to its base quietly and smash it."

"Ah- YOU WANT ME TO GET CLOSE T-" She punched him in the teeth, silencing him.

"You've done worse, stupid. Besides, our resident demigod won't let you die so easily, will he?"

The mask imitated the sound of sucking in air, an obvious ploy due to it being an animate mask that didn't need the stuff. "I'm going to sleep for a bit. Your clawshot poked my eye when we smacked that wall and it hurt. Night."

"YOU BASulk!" Link's tongue met Mr Lower Jaw and Mrs Upper Jaw when Midna gave him a nice uppercut.

Giving in, the not-hero staggered to his feet and began to approach the edge of the sand pit, frowning as he took in the enormous distance as well as all the armed undead between them. He stepped up to the edge, looking down and trying to think of a way to solve this problem... then he saw the spinner tracks lining it. With a grin, he pulled out the device.

"I'll get some momentum for a second, then fire myself past everything and peg him in the spine," he said to himself.

Poor guy.

"AHHHHHHHH!"

The battle came to a standstill when Link grinded past everyone on his spinner at half the speed of sound, crying and screaming. Even Stallord stopped to watch, magical glow-eyes blinking as he took a second to comprehend the sight.

"Why does he insist on using that wretched device over and over?" Morpheel asked without trying to hide his resentment.

Diababa picked him up, cuddling the eye against her face. "You're just angry because you were caught in the gears!" she cooed.

"DO NOT-" Both received half of the bridge in their faces via Stallord's arm.

"OH GOD WHY?" Link was fired from the rail, airborne until the spinner collided with a skeleton's head and launched him back into place. "HOW DID THAT WORK OUT?"

In his fear, he accidentally fired himself off again. He passed the first wave of undead, bouncing off a later one. From there he became a pinball, deflecting off skeleton after skeleton until he had left a small track over most of the arena.

"SOMEONE HELP!"

Stallord slammed a hand down in front of him.

"THIS MIGHT HELP MORE THAN YOU WANTED IT TO!"

He bounced off the thumb, then the pointer finger, and was repelled into the air just long enough to land on the hand and grind his way up the arm. Stallord tried to grab him with the other hand, but Link was already long gone.

"I'm really not sure what's going on anymore, but I think he's winning," Phantom's detached head muttered.

Link went up to Stallord's shoulder, catching on his collarbone and swerving to the spine. As the beast was leaning forward, he was able to grind down the entire vertebrae, leaving a widening crack in his wake. By the time he reached the bottom, the whole thing was breaking to bits.

"HOW DID I DO ANY OF THAT?"

Stallord let out one more roar before falling backwards, sinking into the sand. Just as Link was about to celebrate, it began to drain while he was still in there. The teen predictably screamed as he sank along with it.

Once the sand fully drained, Link was left at the bottom of a hundred foot deep pit with Stallord's lifeless skull sitting next to him. "Fyrus coming to help you!"

"NO! There's a spinner slot down here, I'm going to work that first!"

"Okay! Fyrus send puny eyeball fairy to help!"

Morpheel quickly rolled back. "If you throw me I swear I shall- YOU BASTARD! WHY DOES EVERYONE DO THINGS TO ME MID SENTEN-" He landed next to Link, bouncing over to the wall. "Play with your damn switch..."

Link put the spinner in, pressing down on it. As he did, the centre of the room began to rise up, becoming a column with just the not-hero and Stallord's skull on it. Morpheel was left at the bottom.

"COME BACK HERE!"

Eventually, the pillar reached equal ground with the rest of the room. Link got off and put his spinner away, staring at the rest of the group from across the very deep moat between them. "I think-"

Then the skull rose up and delivered a headbutt from behind, pushing him back into the chasm. With a toothy grin, Stallord floated down to check on his prey.

At the bottom, Link sadly forgot his training. He did not roll on impact, and so he was in a lot of pain. "Shit, he's coming again..." He tried to get up, groaning weakly, but fell right back on his face. "OW. Very bad..."

Morpheel rapidly rolled over to Link, unsubtly crashing into his head. "Get out your spinner!"

"Okay..." Link pulled it out, dragging the device next to the eye. "Are you-"

"I SHALL SHOW THE MIGHT OF THE MIGHTY LEVIATHAN! ALL SHALL WAVER UNDER THE INTENSE PRESSURE OF MORPHEEL!" The mighty Morpheel rolled onto the spinner, then pushed it into the track that was spiralling up the central column. After giving another insane laugh, he shot off.

This was the sight that Stallord was greeted by: a laughing eyeball riding a mechanical top up a rail system. Seeing nothing better to do, he shot a fireball at Morpheel.

The spinner fired from the track, landing on one on the opposite wall. "All right, how the hell did I just do that?"

Undeterred, Stallord shot again. Morpheel once again repelled off that wall and landed back on the central column, still moving upwards. "Someone tell me how I'm doing this! I don't understand and I feel it is something I desperately need to know!"

This time, the fireball hit. "I TOLD YOU!" And he fell back to the bottom, spinner landing on top of him.

"Are you okay?" Link was now sitting up, sipping a red potion.

Morpheel bounced, pushing the spinner back into an upright position and rolling onto it victoriously. "Ha! All damage I face is inconsequential!"

"You did take a greatsword to the, er, eye, without a scratch, so I see what you mean."

"And away I go, to regain lost honour!" Morpheel spun onto the track and shot off again. "Now, how do I do that launch thing? Wait, no, I am not ready yet, cease your charging at once! YOU WILL OBEY ME, OR I SHALL UNLEASH-" And he fell back to the bottom, again.

On his fifth try, the irate eye was lucky enough that the god of spinning took pity, activating his toy just in time to avoid five fireballs in a row. Stallord growled, growing frustrated with how this thing simply would not die.

"And I thought you were supposed to be a mighty foe! Ha!"

Stallord flew in closer, hovering not a foot away from Morpheel as he spun up the track. He opened his mouth, energy gathering.

"BRING IT!"

The spinner detached from the rail, launching and hitting Stallord dead in the teeth. While Morpheel fell back down, the skull was repelled into the opposing wall. Unable to recover, he went crashing down to the bottom with the victorious ball.

Midna rose from a nearby shadow. "While he's stunned, let's get that sword out!" She wrapped her hair-hand around it, pulling with all her might. It did not budge. "Gr! What is everyone else doing?"

-Up top-

"I spy with my little eye, something that is grey!"

Fyrus jumped in place, waving his hand with a goofy grin. "Air!"

"No silly, it's Phantom's hand crawling across the ground and trying to pull him together again. What a silly answer, air. We can't see the air..."

-Down bottom-

Stallord shook Midna off, growling as he took to the air again. She watched him rise up and went back to her shadow form as he fired off a fireball in her direction. "We need a plan for next time."

"My greatness is our plan!" Morpheel shot off again, laughing like a madman. "LET'S DO THIS!"

He spun upwards, watching intently for the skull to appear ahead of him. "Any time is fine, you cowardly bastard..."

At that moment, Stallord came from behind him, once again a foot away from the ball.

"AH!" He shot off out of reflex, pegging the skull between the eyes and downing him.

Midna pulled the mostly healed Link to his feet. "Come on, take your sword out and smack it a few times!"

Link stared incredulously, arm limp in her grasp. "You want me to use my sword to smack the bigger sword. Now might not be the best time to lecture you on how this world may not be the same as yours, but I should give it a shot. See, when something strong hits something stronger-"

"It's the Blade of Evil's Bane and that's a magic evil sword, so get with the smacking!" She shoved him at the stunned foe, glaring fiercely.

"Smacking, now don't kill me..." He withdrew the Master Sword, running at Stallord.

"MY MIGHT IS THE PLAN, HAHAHAHAHA!"

Morpheel and the spinner flew from the track, pegging the magic evil sword at the perfect angle. It was ripped out of the skull, whirling through the air and stabbing into the floor and inch from Link's foot. The construct started to disintegrate.

"...Oh."

Stallord's eyes grew wide, dull yellow becoming a bright white. He rolled over, rising a few feet off the ground and cracking his jaw. "Ow, pegged me in the teeth a few minutes back. Nice shot..." he said in a surprisingly soft voice.

The spinner came to a stop just next to him. "It was precisely aimed!"

"And that's why you were crying out 'how do I use this thing' the whole time, wasn't it?"

"ARE YOU, THE LOSER, TAUNTING ME?"

Stallord's eyes brightened. "Yup!"

"INSUFFERABLE..."

The newly awakened head scooped Morpheel up on top of him, searching around for Link. Spotting him, he shot to the not-hero's side. "So, you're the leader of this group then? Everyone seemed to toss all the duties to you."

Link blinked. "Huh, they do do that... Weird... But yeah, name's Link."

"Link, eh?" He smiled again, eyes twinkling with mischief. "Looks like the screaming coward's got a name after all! They call me Stallord."

Link blinked again. "I'd argue, but your analysis is spot on."

"Of course it is, I know these things. Now hop on that gadget and meet me topside, mkay?"

"As long as you explain up there how you're suddenly alive and how you can talk when we get there, fine by me."

"Suddenly alive? I was always alive," Stallord said with a scoff. "I was just sleeping. My kind stores all our necessities in our heads, so I didn't need that body to survive."

Link picked up the spinner, carrying it to the track. "Really?" he asked, looking back.

He got another smile. "Of course not. Not only are you a wimp, but you sure are stupid! And awaaaaay we GO!"