Lazy bastard, forgot to do stuff, etc, etc.

Published September 2, 2012

Snow is Cold

-Hyrule Castle-

"Does your back still hurt?" Koume forced Ganondorf onto his throne, not that he'd complain, and pushed him up ramrod straight. She floated in close, scrutinizing his every inch. "I've always told you to put more protein in your diet, good for your bones. They'll be like mine soon, eh heh heh!"

"No Koume, it's fibre that's for your bones," Kotake said, flying over.

Ganondorf sighed, slouching. "Oh boy..."

"No no Kotake, fibre makes you poop! Protein is for the bones, you should know this!"

"Don't be stupid Koume, fibre is what our boy here needs!" They both began to power up elemental magic.

"Actually..." Zant stepped forward, ignorant of Ganondorf's frantic hand motions. "I'm sure what my lord needs is calcium, if his bones are a matter of concern. This may prove difficult to obtain, after the Great Cow Abandonment I read-"

"PROTEIN!" Koume hurled her fireball at Zant, the king barely dodging.

"That was uncalled for!" In retaliation, Zant whipped his hammer around and uppercut the old lady off her broom.

"FIBRE!" Kotake attacked them both with ice. Soon, a battle erupted.

Ganondorf weakly slumped over, groaning.

-Outside the town-

"Hello puny green bloodsack!" Fyrus waved energetically as he stomped through Hyrule Field, rapidly stampeding toward the nearly immobile Link.

"Hello Fyrus." The teen calmly waited for the giant to skid to a stop next to him. "Were you having fun?"

"Fyrus went to talk to puny human girl and became a mailman!"

"A mailman? Don't tell Dia and you should be fine. Did you see Morpheel come through here?"

"Tiny ball? Fyrus did see." He pointed back in the direction his fiery form had come from. "Want Fyrus to take you?"

They started walking, the boy in green already formulating a plan. He trudged up to the giant's side, straining to keep pace. "Hey Fyrus, you know what Morpheel is, right?"

"Morpheel is a monster thing!"

"Well, yes, but I mean the body part that he looks like."

Fyrus nodded. "Of course! Fyrus knows a lot. Fyrus studied-"

"Stay on topic. What body part is he, then?"

"Optical organ!" Fyrus looked down at him with a great smile. "Fyrus don't think he has depth perception..."

"Well, yes, but what is the technical term for what he is?"

"...Sclera?"

Link's heart seized as he grew quickly angry. "No, he's an eye! Come on, I know you've said this before about him. Now say it with me... eye."

"Eel?"

"Eye."

"Eie?"

"EYE!" A soft cackle wormed its way from Link's pack. "Shut up back there!"

"Here!" Fyrus pointed again, this time directing Link at the duo who surely would have seen him coming had they not been caught in their own bickering.

Volvagia lay curled on top of a large rock, head just above Morpheel's level as he bounced up at the dragon. "Come now, is this the best you can do?" His forked tongue shot out, jabbing at the eye on his latest bounce.

"GAH! I'll show you, I'll kick your ass like I never could way back when! I can move now, I've beaten the shit out of people!" He bounced again.

"I don't doubt you have," Volvagia hissed, grinning. "Sadly, beating the shit out of 'people' doesn't hold the same weight when you're talking with a dragon." On the next bounce, he swung his tail forward and smacked Morpheel back down.

"OW. Insufferable..."

Link hesitantly approached them, wondering where his sanity and self preservation instincts had gone over these weeks. "Er, am I interrupting something I really shouldn't be?"

In response, the dragon swung his tail again to hit Morpheel toward the not-hero. "No, I've had my fun with this one. Just as pathetic as always."

"Dragon friend should come with Fyrus and puny green hat!" Fyrus exclaimed, gazing down at Volvagia with hope filled eyes. He was like a child...

"No." Volvagia's head went down to rest on the rock.

"Yes?"

"No."

Nodding, Fyrus stepped forward. "Yes!"

Hissing lightly, Volvagia just closed his eyes. "Look Fluffy, there's a cookie everywhere else but here."

"COOKIES!" Fyrus ran off.

Feeling conflicted on whether it was good that Fyrus had gotten moving or bad that he had to move, Link just said, "Er, thanks. I think." He then went to join his possible friend.

-Snowpeak base-

Majora chose this time to giggle. "I love how the kid's going to a mountain with tights and a skirt."

This was lost on Link the moment he stepped out into the open air of the mountain's base. A cold, snowy wind threw itself against him, his blood freezing solid in a matter of seconds. "Cold," was whimpered.

Fortunately, they had just encountered the missing monsters upon arrival. As such, Diababa was happy to slide over and wrap a leaf around him. "There you are, Linny! Just stick close and I'll keep you warm."

"T-this is p-p-p-pa-paper th-thin..." The next gust froze his eyes open.

"Fyrus heat cold mountain!"

"NO! If you just start melting everything you could cause an avalanche!" Midna quickly argued, stopping the giant from igniting.

"But Fyrus..."

Majora made itself known, silencing Fyrus. "As hilarious a game as it would be to see them all try to outrun an avalanche, it may kill my main toy here a bit too early. Save it for later."

They started travelling across the snowy mountain base. Fyrus had it the easiest, the thick layer of white not even coming to his ankles. Stallord was a close second, lacking the need to touch the ground but finding the winds to be more annoying. Diababa had been confident at first, but the rising level of white fluff was forcing her to put more force into it. By shoving against the snow, she completely forgot about Link and ended up dragging him along in her leaf, unintentionally running him face first into the crystallized water.

"This is not bad at all!" Morpheel just rolled along in Diababa's trail, using her to block the wind.

Fyrus was the first to catch sight of a human figure ahead, overlooking a frozen lake. "Fyrus see puny person-person!"

This person-person, dressed completely in a warm, furry suit of what looked like yeti skin, turned around at his shout. They instantly yanked out a sword, stepping back cautiously as the giant monsters made their way over.

Around this time, Link managed to escape from Diababa's grip and stumble out, colder than ever. "GAH!" He shivered, face developing a blue tint.

"...Link?" Still not lowering the sword, the person removed the headpiece of her getup, revealing it to be the warrior Ashei.

"Can someone tell me if we kill her or not?" Stallord questioned.

"N-no!" Link snapped as best he could.

Glancing at the many monsters one more time, she approached Link. "What are you doing here? Especially in something so... exposing. You're turning blue already. This mountain has been colder than normal ever since Zora's Domain froze over."

"S-So... th-this isn't n-n-n-normal mountain t-temperature?"

"No. But it will get much, much colder the farther out you go. But first things first: glad you survived Shad's experiment, but... what's with..."

"Allies. Most of the t-time. W-When they d-d-don't try to be he-helpful."

"I... see... Are you... all... here because of the stories?"

"S-s-s-st-st-tories?"

"A no then. Apparently, the beast that lives around here has been seen frequently in Zora's Domain. I was curious, so I came and waited, and just like they said, a giant showed up right down there." She pointed toward the area just on the other side of the small lake.

"Did you kill it and soak your clothes in its blood?" Stallord asked gleefully.

"Nnnnno... I sketched a picture of it."

"Laaame."

"I didn't come to kill it!"

"Well what did you come for?"

"To see it!"

"LAAAME."

Sending the skull a last glare, she returned focus to Link. "Apparently, it's been stealing fish from the village. This is what the creature looked like..." She holds out the sketch, showing off a drawing with very many details and shading for what was apparently a quick job. "From what I can tell, it's holding a reekfish, a fish so illusive that not even most Zora can catch it. Apparently, Prince Ralis is the only one skilled enough to do it."

"My faith in future generations is rewarded," Diababa announces, nodding to herself.

"R-reekfish you say?" Link repeats, ignoring his companion.

"Yeah. I'm a bit surprised by the claim since they live in the main lake of the domain, you'd think they'd develop strategies like cornering them or using nets after a while..."

"S-strategies you s-s-say?"

"I think we're going fishing!" Stallord squealed in delight.

-Several minutes later-

"SWIM FOR YOUR LIVES WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

Everywhere, fish men and women fled from their domain, some leaping down nearby waterfalls, others jumping out of the water and trying to escape on foot. The cause of their problem was obvious: Fyrus had invented an effective fishing method of hurling boulders the size of carriages into the water. The throws that hit created gigantic waves, sweeping unfortunate Zora away. Many missed, the giant overshooting the water greatly.

After one of his bombardments, Fyrus reached into the water and retrieved a large, red, dead fish identical to the ones in the drawing. "Fyrus catch reekfish! It smells good."

Far behind him, the others emerged from the protective cocoon of vines Diababa had created. "Very good," Midna said, deciding to be the first one brave enough to venture out. "Now what are you going to do with that?"

"Fyrus smell it!"

She turned to the rest of them. "So... why did we even do this?"

"...To sniff it?" Morpheel hesitantly suggested.

"Could go up the mountain now," Diababa said, shrugging.

Link narrowed his eyes at her. "Weren't we gonna do that already?"

"Yeah... But now we have a fish, like the one the thing had."

"Let's go up the mountain already..."

They took the path to Snowpeak's base, again, Fyrus munching on his fish while cooking it at the same time. On the way up, they crossed paths with Ashei as she was taking the return trip. "I heard a lot of screaming back there. Is everything all right?"

"We were fishing," Link grumbled, already feeling the cold breeze on his thighs.

She stared, waiting for further details. The irritated not-hero stared back. "Right. Anyway, if you're really going to take your chances with Snowpeak, I'll show mercy." Her furry cloak was removed and handed to the boy, his hands already warming just from holding it. "I want that back after, so if you could stop rubbing your face in it I'd be thankful."

Link stopped, not even realizing what he was doing. "Uh, sorry... Felt really good though..."

"It's quality fur. Good luck, and don't ruin that." With a nod of goodbye she went on her way, giving wide berth to the monstrous members.

When the cold breeze of the mountain hit, Link could already feel the difference. That cloak made his every cell radiate heat, it took away the frigid mountain's air-

Midna poked him. "Link, face is rubbing in it again."

"Uh, oops. It really is a good cloak though..."

"I don't doubt that. Now get walking."

It quickly became apparent that having several giant monsters stomp their way across a frozen lake was not the smartest move to be made, especially after it broke apart one step in. Link dug his nails into the ice, his lower body hanging over the edge of that particular chunk, fur cloak just inches away from the icy water. "WHY DID WE NOT SEE HOW TERRIBLE THIS IDEA WAS?"

"You're slipping," he heard Majora chime from his rear.

"You're going to get wet too!"

"Yes I am. But I'll get over it, I'm the quirky sidekick character, I'm in no danger."

"THERE ARE NO CHARACTERS, JUST WATER."

"Touchy."

He was soon saved by Diababa and they began their ascent. Travelling up through the chilling wind and deep snow, Link was able to see why he enjoyed living in a forest. It wasn't because of the temperature, he had that covered, but working through snow above his knees, uphill no less... not fun.

"No no NO NO NO!" Morpheel was rolling again, building up speed as he tumbled down. "STOP THIS AT ONCE!"

"You can yell at the world as much as you want, won't change physics," Stallord was happy to shout down as he collided with a protruding rock.

The eye shook off the snow that built up, wishing he had eyelids to glare with. "Those are the words of one who has never had the power to try! I will- WOLVES!"

"What did Fyrus tell tiny eye about crying wolf?"

Link's head turned his way so fast that they all heard a snap. "There's that word! Say it again."

"Wolf?"

"THEY'RE CHEWING ME AND I AM UNABLE TO STOP THEM!"

"No, before that."

"Fyrus?"

"OW OW THEY ARE TRYING TO SHOVE THEIR CLAWS INTO MY PUPIL!"

"After."

"Wolf?"

"WHAT ARE- THANK you Stallord."

The skull leaned forward, front half covered in blood. "Heh heh heh, so many fleshy bits in these ones, and their bones are so flexible..."

Morpheel decided to roll back up to the others. This rolling proceeded as usual up until their path was blocked by a giant vertical slab of rock, a cliff as some might say. This cliff was defeated by the power of teamwork! Fyrus hurled Link and Morpheel up then climbed, Diababa dug through the ground, and Stallord floated. The only kink in the plan came in that Fyrus was very obviously unable to control his own strength and so the duo of green and bally overshot their destination.

"Fyrus no see puny ones," the fiery giant said, rotating in a circle as he tried to locate them.

"Maybe they went ahead without us. That's not nice!" Diababa huffed.

"I don't see any tracks... maybe you threw them too far?" Being the voice of reason, Stallord's suggestion was quickly misinterpreted.

"Oh no! Fyrus KILLED them by throwing too hard!" He dropped to his knees, tremors shaking the peak. "What has FYRUS DONE?!"

Stallord tilted his head to the side. "Not what I meant, but when you put it like that it's kinda hilarious. Let's go find the bodies and see how much is left! I wonder if he landed head first and his brains are all spread everywhere... Before the wolves guys, get moving!"

Far up ahead, Link slowly climbed out of the deep snow with weary arms. Digging his fingers in, he barely pulled himself out of the hole that Fyrus' throw had made for him. Fortunately, the cloak was warm enough that not even his fingers were cold from doing this.

Sighing, he flopped down and lay still, breathing heavily as he let his eyes close. "Never... again."

"Whatcha doin'?"

Link's eyes shot open. A glowing, golden paw was a foot away from him. Up from that was the smiling face of the golden wolf, panting down at him. "Eh?"

The golden bent down and prodded at the side of his face, starting to bounce like an eager little kid. "Wanna howl? I know you do, let's howl! Wheee!" He did a spin.

"I'm a bit sore right now..." Link rolled onto his back.

"I know just the remedy!"

Link's body screamed, as did his mouth, when the wolf leapt up and pounced onto his torso, almost literally tap dancing on his ribs. He managed to shove the idiot off. "NO! WHY WOULD YOU...?"

"It's just like what Bongo Bongo did to me when I was feeling sore, except I don't have as big hands to smash down like he did so I'm using me!"

"THAT HURT!"

"Yeah, it'll really hurt but once you get better it'll all feel great!"

"I'LL GET BETTER ON MY OWN."

"Fine, fine. Wanna howl?"

"NO."

"Pleeease?"

"NO."

Twenty one seconds later, Link stood opposite him in wolf form. "Let's get this over with..."

The golden wolf howled some horrible bastardization of what Link was sure was a good song.

Link repeated it, actually doing a much better job at singing the Bolero of Fire... Then in a flash, he found himself in a fiery, completely different location surrounded by lava on all sides. "AH! WHAT THE HELL?!"

A few seconds later, the golden wolf appeared next to him. "Man, that was a really good job! You make me proud, Link IV."

"WHERE ARE WE?"

"Death Mountain."

"WHY?"

"Bolero of Fire!"

"TAKE US BACK!"

-Back on Snowpeak-

"Hi puny ocular observer!"

Diababa watched him take off, waving vigorously. "Fyrus that's-"

"Shh, I want to see how many times he does this." Stallord chuckled as Fyrus stopped, realizing yet again that he had only seen a slightly rounded rock.

"Hi tiny spherical compatriot!" He took off running again, passing over a ridge.

"What's he at?" the plant lady asked, following.

"Eight. Two more and I get a free breakfast."

"Make sure Fyrus doesn't cook it."

"Does he always overcook it?" Stallord snickered again.

"No, he burns up innocent plants as he heats it! I always tell him that he's being so indifferent to the fragile flora, but he never listens!" With a huff, Diababa hopped over the ridge. "Oh, who's that?"

Next to their dim minded ally stood a being matching the intricate drawing done by Ashei, at least to those who bothered to look at it (none of whom stand at that scene). Huge, furry, big eyes, a long under bite, a weird bulging ass-thing that could be a tail; a nice looking guy, altogether. Some weird metal mask sat on his head and a gigantic fish in his hands. Above them both was a dull, wiry tree, a dozen large iced leaves, frozen solid and the size of Fyrus' foot, hung from it.

"Hello, more visitors!" the yeti exclaimed, waving his free hand at them kindly. "I see you not often, uh. Why come to snows?"

"We're here to kill things," Stallord answered.

"No things to kill here but wolfs and Yeto, uh!" The giant said, jabbing his thumb at his own chest. "And since I no want killed, you choose bad spot. Why you really come here? You look for something, uh?"

"Fyrus here to deliver!" A letter was pulled out from Fyrus' inventory and thrust into Yeto's hands, the fiery giant smiling like a kid. "You invited to dinner party!"

Yeto's eyes widened, excitement shaking his whole body as the letter was accepted. "OOOOOH! Dinner party?!"

"Hey, I wanna go to a dinner party!" Diababa slid to Fyrus' side, trying in vain to snatch one of the letters held just out of reach.

"Dinner mailed to guests only. Fyrus and puny everyone will have own dinner party after all is said and done, okay?"

"Mailed...? Wait, are you... a mailman?"

While this went on, Stallord hovered over to Yeto and leaned in. His skull was about the size of the yeti's body, especially with the horns. "We're actually here for this magic dimension mirror bit, so if you've seen it around somewhere that could be really helpful and I won't kill you."

Scratching his lower back, Yeto nodded a few times with an innocent grin. "Uh, uh, uh! You make good floating climb, lucky to meet me. I found shiny mirror piece. Same you look for, uh?"

"Possibly. Shall we find out?"

"This mean you no kill me?"

"Indeed."

"Hooray!" Yeto slammed the giant fish against the nearby tree. One of the crystallized leaves snapped off instantly, falling softly to the snow in front of Yeto. "Come to my house, I show you, uh. My house far away, we slide there. Do like me, uh." Hopping up onto the leaf with one foot, he kicked off. The yeti slid down a short distance before jumping a gaping crevasse with his makeshift snowboard, continuing on his way.

"I don't know about you two, but I think I'm set to get there." Stallord spun upside-down and back to show off a bit. "So get sliding!"