The apartment felt cold and big without Jace.
Actually everything seemed cold; even her own body. Clary lay buried under a
dozen blankets and duvets, but she was still trembling. She knew it was her
own fault, but she had never thought that it would end like it had.
She pulled his pillow closer to her; it smelled like him. Like sunshine and
spice . She knew that she was pathetic; here she was lying under a
tower of blankets, hugging a pillow so tight to her chest that it was like a
life raft.
Her chest hurt and her head felt clouded, and she had no idea what time it
was. Yet she was strangely aware that the sun was shining from the other
side of the curtains.
She heard the distant sound of the New York morning traffic, the humming
from the cars, and the yells from the people. Her eyes felt sore (she didn't
even know that eyes could feel that way,) and the only thing she wanted to
do was to die, except she couldn't.
She was pregnant, again, and she felt responsible for the little bundle of
life that was inside of her. She hadn't told Isabelle, even though she had
wanted to so badly. When her friend had come to pick her up from therapy
after Jace had left, Clary had just cried. Actually she had cried ever since
he had left her and Isabelle had just let her. Clary knew that all this mess
was her fault; she also knew that Isabelle knew, everyone did, but nobody
said it.
A quiet sob escaped her lips; the sound was almost too much in the silent
space. She pulled the pillow tighter to her chest.
She didn't know how long she had lain in bed when a noise startled her.
It was the faint rustling of keys from outside the door. Normally she
wouldn't have been able to hear. But every door in the apartment was open,
so when the keys were pushed into the keyhole she sat up.
For a moment there were tiny black dots dancing in her vision; she sat there
for a moment and waited for them to disappear. Then just as quickly as she
had sat up she almost jumped out of the bed. She moved as quickly as she
could, since both her legs were asleep and her whole body felt heavy.
She stumbled through the hall and ended in the living room before she heard
the familiar sound of Italian leather shoes on the wooden floors of their
home.
Her breath hitched and she mentally braced herself for what there was to
come. Why did she have to run to him like some desperate high school whore?
Maybe because she was, she thought, desperate not to be a whore.
When he walked in Clary felt her knees getting weak, but not in a good way.
He looked tired, his shoulders were slumped and his hair was messed up,
again not in a good way. He also looked pale; in all the years that Clary
had known him he had never looked pale. Never.
He looked up; his golden eyes looked unusually dull. It felt like she had a
fist clenched around her heart, and it hurt seeing him like this. It was
even worse knowing that it was her fault.
"Clary," he said, his voice sounded strained and hollow.
".Hey," she said her voice mirroring his.
Clary almost took a step towards him, but stopped herself. What if he didn't
want her, she thought, I don't even want myself!
The thought hurt, but it was true. She hated herself for what she had done
to him, but then again she had been so scared.
" talk," Jace finally said, his voice almost a whisper, "I
can't do this any longer. I love you and I don't think I can live without
you, but." his voice broke and he had to take a moment before he continued,
"I don't think I can keep living like this."
Clary's heart stopped, but it wasn't really a surprise. She knew it had come
to this, even if it was the thing she dreaded the most.
"Why did you do it, Clary?" Jace asked, he sounded lost.
"I was so scared, Jace," she was almost begging. "Everyone told me I
couldn't do it and they were right, I ruined it Jace," tears were now
seeping down her face, and a hurt expression crossed Jace's face.
"Who said that, Clary?" he asked "Why would anyone say that?" the last part
sounded like something he was saying to himself.
"My mother," Clary said, the lump in her throat so big that she couldn't
even breathe. "And yours, too," the broken expression on her face made
Jace's heart ache.
Flashback
Clary looked down at herself: the white silk felt like butterfly wings
against her skin. She couldn't help but smile.
In a few minutes the doors in front of her would open and Jace would be on
the other side. She wanted to run to him right now, but knew she couldn't.
Soon her father would stand beside her and lead her down the aisle. The
smile on her face only got bigger.
"Don't look too happy," A voice said. Clary turned her head and saw her mom
standing in the corner, an alien expression on her face.
"Why?" Clary asked, a clueless expression on her face.
"Are you really sure you want to do this?" Jocelyn asked, taking a step
towards her daughter. Clary had always been told that she looked like her
mother. Both had long auburn hair, even though Clary's tended to be redder
in the sunlight; they also shared the same eye color: a bright emerald
green.
"I don't know what you mean." Clary asked.
"Sweetheart, I love you, this really right? I mean look at him; is
this really the life you want?" Jocelyn had never really liked Jace, but
Clary had just always thought that it was her mother's protectiveness. Now
it seemed like something else.
"The man is gorgeous, dear. What if you can't live up to that?" Clary gasped
at her mother words.
"I love him," Clary said, "and he loves me. That's all that matters." Clary
tried to sound strong, but inside of her a tiny voice was telling her the
same thing as her mother.
Could she do this?
Was this right?
What if something went wrong?
"I know," the older woman said, "And so does Celine, but the fairytale isn't
going to last forever, and one day you're going to wake up and think: did I
do the right thing?" Jocelyn smiled a sad smile, one that made her look
older than she already was.
"Don't say we didn't warn you dear; I only want the best for you." and with
those words Jocelyn pushed one of the doors open and walked into the main
room in the church.
Clary was complete frozen for a second; even her heart felt like it had
momentarily stopped. She was pretty sure that no one had ever been told that
on the day of their own wedding, ever. She wanted to scream but was too
shocked to do anything.
Breath Clary, she told herself, Jace loves you no matter what, and that's
all that matters!
"There you are," her father's voice broke through to her and she turned her
head to see the older man walking in, fiddling with his cufflinks.
He smiled at her, but when he saw her expression he stopped.
"Not getting cold feet are you?" he asked, his eyebrows drawn together,
"It's a little late for that, love."
Clary shook her head, pushing all her doubts into a little black box in the
far corners of her mind. "I'm fine," she smiled, or at least tried to, "I'm
just a little nervous."
Valentine chuckled and smiled, "Good, now let's go get you married shall
we?" he asked taking her arm with his.
From the other side of the wooden doors music started playing. Isabelle,
Maia and Camille rushed in from one of the side rooms, putting themselves in
front of Clary. All three girls looked awfully busy, doing the last minute
touches on the bouquets Clary had picked out for the occasion. The doors
slowly opened and the talk died down as the bridesmaids made their way down
the aisle followed by the bride and her father.
End Flashback